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With remorseful husband like yours, it will take few months when you start feel better. But please, stop torturing yourself with those dirty details whether OW got week knees over this and that.
For Schlag - try to be less brutal with your answers, you dont have to tell your BW about OW-s reactions in such insensitive ways!
Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
Married 22 years
2 Children 20 and 22 years
Last D-Day for me: May 2009
Last D-Day for her: October 2008
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Also, should I force FWH to expose the affair to the OWH? She SAYS (6m ago when he contacted her on FB chat) that they are doing through a divorce but she is a liar and can't be trusted. And that only makes it easier for her to contact him if she wants to. I think her H has a right to know- divorce or not. Also- he knows her sister too and probably her parents. How many people should this be exposed to on her end?
ME: BW
Schlag: FWH or WH... who knows. 2 PA's, many EA's and other issues.
1st D-DAY and false recovery: 9/11/09
2nd D-DAY 10/15/11
D filed on 11/22/11.
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Ok, I brought this up to him and he said he doesn't trust OWH to not be so enraged that he would come kill us or something. Also, the OW is a cop and he says he wouldn't trust her to not do something stupid either with the resources she has.
Excuses or valid?
ME: BW
Schlag: FWH or WH... who knows. 2 PA's, many EA's and other issues.
1st D-DAY and false recovery: 9/11/09
2nd D-DAY 10/15/11
D filed on 11/22/11.
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Also, should I force FWH to expose the affair to the OWH? She SAYS (6m ago when he contacted her on FB chat) that they are doing through a divorce but she is a liar and can't be trusted. And that only makes it easier for her to contact him if she wants to. I think her H has a right to know- divorce or not. Also- he knows her sister too and probably her parents. How many people should this be exposed to on her end? Of course OWH must be told - but it is you who should tell him, Amy. Your H should not be making contact as it is a kind of vicarious contact with OW. If your H ever decides to send that man a letter of apology, however, you ca oversee that. Don't listen to Schlag's nonsense about him coming after you. As far as I know, you live in a state and nation which has laws making it illegal to attack people. OWH is not a criminal with no regard for the law. Exposing to OW's family would be a good thing. You need to read Dr Harley's Exposure newsletter in the Newsletter's forum.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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So, if they are divorced (would confirm with public records) would it do any good to expose it to the OW exH? She's even scarier to me now that she's a free woman. I know he was suspicious of something because when I caught them chatting 6m ago and she covered up for my H, she told me that there was one good thing about divorce and it was not having to lie under the suspicions of someone any more. Gee........
ME: BW
Schlag: FWH or WH... who knows. 2 PA's, many EA's and other issues.
1st D-DAY and false recovery: 9/11/09
2nd D-DAY 10/15/11
D filed on 11/22/11.
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Ok, I brought this up to him and he said he doesn't trust OWH to not be so enraged that he would come kill us or something. Also, the OW is a cop and he says he wouldn't trust her to not do something stupid either with the resources she has.
Excuses or valid? Does he mean that OW is going to get all her cop buddies to come after your WH because you told her BH? I don't think it would happen. I would be willing to bet that OW wants to keep it a secret. It certainly is not going to help her career path. As for the BH, I agree that he is more likely to be enraged that everyone knew but him. How would you feel if the tables were turned. OWH needs to hear it from you so that he gets the true story. Waywards have a habit of downplaying everything. This man deserves to know the truth about his life. There is a good chance that this A is the cause of his divorce.
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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Actually, Pariah's WW's OM was a cop (if memory serves). I WOULD be a little careful about things...
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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So, if they are divorced (would confirm with public records) would it do any good to expose it to the OW exH? She's even scarier to me now that she's a free woman. I know he was suspicious of something because when I caught them chatting 6m ago and she covered up for my H, she told me that there was one good thing about divorce and it was not having to lie under the suspicions of someone any more. Gee........ I would most certainly tell the OWH all about the affair. This is information he has a right to know since it affected his life. I am listening to the call today and do I have this right that the REASON your husband sang like a canary is because you threatened a polygraph?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Amy, I will just tell you right now that your husband is NOT serious about recovering your marriage. He is serious about getting out of trouble.
Any wayward who runs from facing the consequences of his adultery is NOT SERIOUS. His REFUSAL to allow you to tell his victim, the OW's husband, is a reflection of his lack of remorse and repentance.
And I will tell you right now he is not serious. You are not safe with an unrepentant WS.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ok, I brought this up to him and he said he doesn't trust OWH to not be so enraged that he would come kill us or something. Also, the OW is a cop and he says he wouldn't trust her to not do something stupid either with the resources she has.
Excuses or valid? Excuses
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I have to agree, he didnt tell the whole story we finally got out of him on the site to the Harley's. It came out about the false recovery toward the end of the call.
Me -BS 40
Him - FWH 34 (dtl)
3 D-Days from 12/25/10 to 01/06/11
NC - 01/09/11
02/20/12 done beating my head on that wall.
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Ok, I brought this up to him and he said he doesn't trust OWH to not be so enraged that he would come kill us or something. Also, the OW is a cop and he says he wouldn't trust her to not do something stupid either with the resources she has.
Excuses or valid? Funny how this was not his concern when the payoff was some free STD nooky.... But when it comes to manning up and apologizing to his victim he has all sorts of excuses. His reluctance to expose this affair to the OWH makes me wonder if he is still seeing skanky? Are you absolutely certain his affair is over? Because I will just tell you that when a wayward fights THIS HARD to keep an affair hidden, it is almost always because the affair is still on.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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OWH needs to hear it from you so that he gets the true story. Waywards have a habit of downplaying everything. This man deserves to know the truth about his life. There is a good chance that this A is the cause of his divorce. This is the most awful thing on the planet. How can someone live with themselves knowing they destroyed a family. My WH's OW feels no remorse for the bomb she detonated under my family. She is the lowest form of life on the planet and I am happy there is a warm place in HE!! for her. I cannot imagine the devastation the BH is going to feel knowing his divorce was caused by adultery. I pray he has the best wife on the planet today, and she is nothing but sweet lovin' for him. Tough
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i have a feeling he is still having an affair with this woman. I can think of NO other explanation for his FRANTIC REFUSAL to confess his affair to the OWH.
I think he is covering up an affair. Amy, did your H actually TAKE that polygraph that scared him into these recent admissions? If not, you need to make him take the polygraph.
I BETCHA THIS AFFAIR IS NOT OVER.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Polygraph should be scheduled for Friday or Monday at the latest. You need to see an attorney ASAP. You need to make sure you have all the evidence secured.
The evidence will protect you - you need to get CS and alimony secured ASAP.
Even if the marriage survives you need to be protected until he can make you feel safe.
Tough
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Amy,
Be strong. The pain does go down. Are you sleeping and eating? Take care of your health. If you haven't, see a Dr. about some AD meds. I am on them, and it has made my anxiety much less.
Me (BH): 42
Her (WS): 39
Married 19 yrs
DD: 16, DD: 11, DD: 7
D-Day: 7-5-2011, Caught searching 10-15-2012
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Amy,
You ask how long it takes to start feeling a bit normal?
If your husband were to start working for you, and if he were to really get on board with a recovery plan, it begins to start feeling more normal slightly every day. It sheds a tiny bit each day, and over time you begin to settle out.
The first couple of months are the very hardest. If your spouse is into a trickle-truth approach it makes it drag out, though.
Hang in there. Come here and vent. We are here to get you through it. Try not to make big decisions unless you have to .
Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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I am listening to the call today and do I have this right that the REASON your husband sang like a canary is because you threatened a polygraph? No...I didn't tell him I was planning on giving in a polygraph. I talked about it to my therapist because I believed there was more than what he was telling me. He spilled the whole truth 2 days later and I gave him the poly to make sure the whole truth was out 5 days after that. He called the OWH at work tonight but they were closed, so he's going to do it first thing in the morning.
ME: BW
Schlag: FWH or WH... who knows. 2 PA's, many EA's and other issues.
1st D-DAY and false recovery: 9/11/09
2nd D-DAY 10/15/11
D filed on 11/22/11.
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[
He called the OWH at work tonight but they were closed, so he's going to do it first thing in the morning. Amy, Dr Harley suggests that the betrayed spouse informs the OWH. This way he is certain to get the full truth and you can verify it is truly the OWH. How do you know he was calling the OWH? It is not uncommon for a cornered WS to pretend like he is calling someone and all along it was someone else. How will you verify this is the OWH? In the polygraph, were questions asked about current contact with the OW? I am very alarmed at how hard your husband resisted exposing to the OWH. I have NEVER seen such resistance from someone who claims the affair is over.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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i have a feeling he is still having an affair with this woman. I can think of NO other explanation for his FRANTIC REFUSAL to confess his affair to the OWH.
I think he is covering up an affair. Amy, did your H actually TAKE that polygraph that scared him into these recent admissions? If not, you need to make him take the polygraph.
I BETCHA THIS AFFAIR IS NOT OVER. Mel, I agree there is still contact, but there is another option. Seen it from dozens of guys... Some men are just cowards. These are men that are nice at work, nice in public and with their friends, even on the passive side, but at home they are angry towards their wives and even their kids.
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