I have exposed to 3 close co-workers this morning that know both me and WW very well. They all ask the same thing. What should they say to WW when they talk to her. I have been telling people to not avoid WW, they should be supportive of my point of view if they agree and to impress on WW that they are disapointed with her and that she can still change the course she is on. I am contacting WW's cousin after work today and will give it one more stab at tracking down OMW before I go after a PI. What else should I be telling people that I have exposed to?

Great post! Thank you. Yes, 6 months is not long at all.

Thank you. I was wondering that last night when I was searching on-line.

By the way, I hope you realize your posts scared me more than the thought of telling my wife to NC with OM. Thanks! I have heard from a couple of people that WW was impressed that I "finally grew a pair" when I demanded she NC OM. It doesn't make her want to change her course but...

I'm not so sure it's your job to coach them on what to say or do. If someone has any type of good in them, you shouldn't have to tell them to do something. Your goal, i guess, is to make others know that you're fighting for your family and that your wife is being unfaithful.

They may do nothing. OR they may go and ask your wife what's her problem. Just like you can't control your wife, you can't control how those to whom you expose will react and respond.

I have tried to be vague with any guidance when I have been asked. I feel like that the conversation if there is one should be between the WW and the friend/family member. I have told people that it was important to me that they hear of things from me first and not WW.

SS, I'm glad you're taking action. Don't slow down. Keep it going before she starts the spin machine. The spin machine is usually like this:

"My husband is crazy. He thinks I'm having an affair. Don't believe him if he talks to you."

The thing I have going for me in that regard is that people know me, they know the person I am.

Stupid question: Do I tell WW about the extent of exposure? Some of the people I have told have fairly infrequent dialogue with WW so I am thinking that some of this exposure will really have no affect on WW and the A.

Don't tell her anything about the exposure. You'll hear about it from the ww if someone confronts her about it.

So, I just got off the phone with the OMW. We compared notes for about an hour. What we could figure out was that we are both being consistently lied to. Surprise. It appears that the NC is working and is being honored. OMW thanked me for stepping up and making that happen. Bad news is that OM was out this way in September which was news to me. We believe they were possibly looking at places to live. It sounds like OM has been telling lies all around. He has told WW that he is ending his M and they are just waiting on a court date. OMW has no intention of D. They have had papers for a long time but they aren't signed or anything. He has been with his wife all summer being wishy washy - one minute wanting out of the M, the next minute wanting to make things work. I encouraged OMW to continue to expose and not to give up. I told her to basically plan A as best she could. OMW's assessment of the A was very similar to mine. WW and OM have absolutely nothing in common. Neither of us can envision a scenario where this could possibly work.

It sounds like WW and OM have dreamed up some fantasy where nobody divorces and we all just get along. They would move to our area and everything would be happy. We would all go out on Friday nights for beer and pizza. OMW and I are on the same page on that one. No flipping way is that an option. The idea to me of an open, married relationship just does not work in any form.

We agreed to keep each other in the loop as far as what any changes we saw.

I also exposed to a cousin and two other friends of WW today. I feel like short of taking an ad out in the paper, I am starting to run out of people to expose this to.

Thanks for the encouragement and direction everyone.

It is a very good idea to ask them all to use their influence to persuade her to end her affair. That is the whole point of the exposure so it is hoped that they will call. He needs to have as many as possible calling her up and expressing their disappointment. That is the GOAL here.

This is why it is important to ask them all to contact her. The point of exposure is to get as many people as possible calling her. Someone may get through to her.

In all of the written exposures I have had to make when I did not have phone numbers or could not get hold of the person I was trying to contact, that was pretty much the wording I used. I went and copied parts from the sample letter from the forum here. I talked about how the person I was writing to was very significant to WW and they asked them to use their influence on WW to get her to end the A. To me, if you expose to someone and the WS never hears from them, that doesn't really do anything for killing the A. It pretty much just gives you support (which is still important).

Great job!! Now wait a day or two and see if your wife finds out. If not, TELL HER about your call!!

In the meantime, ASK THESE exposure targets to call your wife. You should be asking each one to "please use your influence to persuade WW to end her affair. The more people who call her up the more likely someone will get through to her!"

This weekend, be sure and tell her to WHOM you have exposed and tell her all about your discussion with the OMW! Make sure she knows that you and the OMW will be staying in touch to kill the affair.

That's correct. Which is why you want to tell her yourself if she doesn't find out from them. You want her to know that EVERYONE KNOWS what she is doing! Everyone!

As soon as she finds out about ONE exposure she will come to you steaming mad and want to know all the others you've exposed. As I mentioned before (I think)...it's quite handy to be able to tell her "everyone", lest she tries to use her ADDED anger in an effort to manipulate further silence. You'll have enough anger to deal with in the first place.

Be prepared for "That's it..NOW I'm really gonna divorce you" as if THIS was the straw that broke the camel's back. Please don't laugh at her but it's all so predictable.

Mr. W

I expect that WW hears some feedback from some of my exposure targets before the weekend. FB makes communication too easy.

WW and I had a long talk last night. The NC seems to be helping her to clear her mind. Not as many emotional influences I think. Well, she told ms last night that A or no A it is becoming very clear to her that she does not want to be married to me. She first gave me the "there is no chemistry" which I responded to her by telling her that I have a plan to regain that lost chemistry. Thenshe went into how she was done caring for 3 kids (me being the third). I asked her if she still really believed that and that I was unable to care for myself and the kids considering the changes I have made in the last few months. She admitted that I was doing much better but still wasn't there. Then she said that I was too smothering. She feels constantly oppressed while in the house. Next she went on to say that I do not challenge her. She is tired of being the one that has to knock me out of my comfort zone to do something new. Or something like that.

WW feels very strongly that she needs to be on her own. I explained that an open relationship would not work for me and the fantasy that she has of us all being friendly and cooperating with the kids and other life issues was not realistic. I asked WW what she envisioned for how things would look say 2 years down the road. She didn't really have an answer. I pointed out that the feelings she had right now were real. That she was being honest with how she feels today but tomorrow, next week, next month, 6 months from now she couldn't predict how she was going to feel about things. I pointed out that the loss of constant exposure to the kids was going to affect her and that living on her own was going to affect her. She told me that she was not going to stay in a M just for the kids.

We talked about whether we needed to move forward with legal papers (separation or D) and I told her that I thought that was premature for that.

I told WW that I did not want to live alone, this separation thing wasn't going to work for me long term. WW then suggested that I start dating! I told her that I do not in any way think that would be acceptable behavior considering we are still married. I don't operate that way. That statement is wrong on so many levels.

How much of what WW is spewing is fog, withdrawal, truth? I have no idea anymore. I repeated many times that I still have hope for us that we can recover and make a better M than we had before because I have a plan. I just needed her to want to try. Right now I have no clue where things are headed. WW still has no want to try yet. Granted she has not "left" OM.

Sheesh. Sorry for all of that.

The trouble you have caused in the affair has caused her to have second thoughts. You handled this very well. You were polite yet you painted a picture of her bleak future. I can't wait until she finds out you have spoken to the OMW and you tell her all the lies she has been told. When you do that, I would act very sympathetic. Tell her "I am so sorry he has lied to you."

You are doing a good job standing up for your marriage!

Well, she told ms last night it is becoming very clear to her that she does not want to be married to me....She first gave me the "there is no chemistry"...Then she went into how she was done caring for 3 kids...Then she said that I was too smothering....She feels constantly oppressed while in the house...Next she went on to say that I do not challenge her... She is tired of being the one that has to knock me out of my comfort zone to do something new. Or something like that.

Do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do

(Rod Serling voice) You have entered "Wayward Zone", where sight and sound are unlike any other place. Do not attempt to adjust your picture!

SS, the vast majority of exposed and flattened contemporary WWs do EXACTLY what yours is doing, and have been conditioned to do since childhood.

Forever, they've been raised to understand that NOTHING is their fault, their "opinions" and "feelings" are important, and there are no absolutes.

And now the dawn is breaking upon the wreckage they have created in their families' lives and (very slowly) in their own intrinsic worth. Whereas culturally cheating males have gotten the break of "boys will be boys", females know that "good girls don't do that", and since she did that, she cannot be a good girl! Unless, of course, she can fabricate a compelling reason that she was "driven" to her infidelity by external forces ("No absolutes" thereby granting permission.), and then save her own self image, ie, "Yes, I did it, but I HAD to!"

Bob Fosse expressed it in the song from "Chicago":

He had it coming, he had it coming,
He only had himself to blame!
If youd-a been there, if youd-a seen it,
I tell ya you woulda done the same!

Keep refudiating (Thank you, Ms Palin!) her every excuse, quietly and calmly. Eventually they'll drizzle down to the trivial ("You didn't change my car's oil every 3,000 miles"), and then cease.

I love it.

When push comes to shove in the upcoming explosion over the exposure you've done...you can give her some fog responses:

"Well...I thought I was 'challenging you'. I also thought you'd be proud of me for trying something new ...a different tactic"

All that stuff she's saying is run of the mill fogtalk and it sounds like you did a good job of what I call "charging neutral". You were calmly making your points while listening to her fogtalk (engaging in conversation) without really internalizing anything she said.

Be ready...it's about to get worse. She very likely will break no contact after she finds out you exposed which sucks but is common. It's not all bad though as the conversations aren't romantic in nature rather acts of desperation and mistrust.

Mr. Wondering