That will be an interesting conversation when it happens. I love your line "I feel sorry he has lied to you.".
I am writing that down!

Another detail that you may embellish a bit is saying something like "OMW told me he'd been trying for months to get her to agree and/or consider moving here....now that I've talked to her she knows why and she's NOW not going to agree to it. I asked her if he'd move here on his own and she said "not in a million years. He's threatened but always comes back with the next trick trying to convince me to move...his kids are way too important to him to leave on his own".

Make it seem that exposure just this week quashed the fantasy of him moving there.

Sidenote...there's a fine line between out and out lying which I don't recommend and merely embellishing a story a bit for maximum purposes. This is a war for your family. I think most things are pretty fair in love and war. I'd lie to save my wife and kids...but that's me....I'm a shield and sword kind of guy. You just don't want to get caught lying or embellishing so staying close to the actual storyline is wiser. Remember..anything you say about OMW and OM are going right back to OM sooner or later.


Even if she contacts him....in the back of her mind she knows he's a lying cheating bastage so asking him questions about this purported move and him merely answering mean nothing. She can't trust him and unless he packs up and moves the next day....she'll be upset and lovebusting. She'll actually believe you over the OM (thought she'll never tell anyone that until much later on).


You see...in my mind...although she's "no contact" she hasn't really ended the affair. She's just waiting on her job, moving out and him moving to town. So I wouldn't fret over whether she calls him again. You MAY actually need that to happen a bit before the affair ACTUALLY ends (so they can lovebust each other and break up for reals). Don't get me wrong...it would be great if she never spoke to him again the rest of her life starting last week....I just don't think that's what's going to happen.

Until the affair is dead...there is no recovery.

Mr. W

I have to tell you, after last night's discussion with WW I was not feeling real good about our working through this mess we are in. I was feeling like I was battling a couple of different things. The A was one thing but these other issues WW was bringing up. I was asking myself, how I could possibly come through all of that. I was really having a hard time coming up with my "best case scenario". WW is very convincing, she has been consistently saying from the beginning that she was feeling stifled and uninspired and all the rest. So, I did have doubt walking away from that chat about a continued future together.

I hope you are right. I suspected that this might be fog babble and I guess time will truly tell whether that is in fact how WW feels. I felt real good about how I handled things. Real calm and I tried to offer up some alternative points of view without telling her she was just plain wrong.

I feel like I should also mention that among everything else that is going on, WW and her mom are working on sorting some of their issues out. Right now they are focusing on boundary issues. I know during the research and discussion between WW and her mom that this mess WW and I are in is coming up and she is thinking about how things relate to one another. I think this is a good thing, I just hope WW doesn't get overwhelmed by all of the talk.

I told the WW that I was happy that she was finally able to have some clear air space to do some thinking now that OM was given a time out. She agreed but also told me I was probably upset that she wasn't coming up with the answer I was looking for. I told her that time will tell what the right answer is.

Keep up the good fight, shortsleeves. We're rooting for you.

I love your line of thinking about this "challenging her" and me trying something new. I think it also shows that I am not just waiting for something to happen on its own. I am taking some control over what is happening.

This is too much to try to process in one sitting, SS. You've got a couple of different issues here, and they deserve to be addressed one at a time:

1. Kill the A and defog the WW.
2. Recover and rebuild the M.

Do No. 1 first. Learn about No. 2 here so you've got tools in place to repair your M when recovery begins.

Yes, the A is not over by any means. WW told me last night that as soon as she moves out she intends to start things back up with OM. I will be doing everything I can in the mean time to cast doubt in her mind about what OM really is going to do and whether he is actually going to follow through with what he is telling her.

Thanks.

I was trying to explain to the WW last night that our future would not be friendly and cooperative like she imagines. I think that train of thought and discussion got away from me a bit and I got ahead of myself. I am a planner and I like to try to anticipate possible outcomes way ahead of time so that I can think about what might be the best course of action and make a wise choice. I will try to focus just on killing the A and defogging WW right now. That is what is most important right now.

I can't add any new or better advice except you have gotten some good advice over the last two pages.

Keep up the fight. You are getting close to the point of things turning.

Not sure what I did wrong with that last post. My message got incorporated with Mr. W's post. I will figure this out someday...

Good job telling her!! Hopefully some of these people will contact her?

Is she with the OM this weekend?

Here's your inspiration:

DS 5
DD 3

I confirmed with OMW that he will not be with WW this weekend. He works Saturday and get this, OMW will be with OM on Sunday. OM and OMW are seperated but he will come over regularly and stay at the house with his wife. OMW just let me know that OM has an on-line dating website profile. Can't wait to pass that information on to WW.

What can I expect from WW at this point? She is real pissed right now. Does this generally last real long?

So true.

I have been consistently surprised at how much emotional support I have gotten from my 5 year old. He will come up to me and say something like "Papa, you seem sad. Why are you sad? You look like you need a hug". This was more before I started plan A. I haven't "looked" sad very much since then.

I would expect them to be together this weekend. The OM will, of course, make excuses to his wife. Why else would a person to go spend the weekend somewhere to "study?"

SS, have you exposed the affair to the OM's parents and family?

ITA. OM and his BW are separated. Don't expect him to keep any promise he's made to her about being with her on Sunday if he thinks he has a better offer with WW. All he has to do is call OMW and tell her he isn't feeling well and won't be coming over. Then it's off to WW.

I'm sure that plan is in place. OMW just doesn't know it yet.

I was feeling the same way. I can say this, OM is 1000 miles away, WW is starting back into a job soon (3-4 weeks) in a technical field that she has been away from for 5 years, and she is easily distracted by everything going on at the house including everyday life that she has had a hard time getting any work done. I have asked the OMW to "keep an eye on things" at her end. At the very least I would be very surprised if the NC continues this weekend.

That I have not done. I did ask OMW to. I will check in with her to see how that is coming along.