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wledena Offline OP
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Last week when I was away on a work trip the younger guys I was with wanted to go to a strip club on our way back from a brew pub that was some 30 miles from our hotel. I am new to the job and the work site but these guys are regulars to the site (and the club apparently)... I told them I didn't want to go - I am a happily married man but it was 20 miles from our hotel and I didn't want to be the fun police and have them drive me back to the hotel (we only had one car)... I figured it was harmless enough and so long as my wife didn't find out it would be fine (bad attitude I know...) Well she did find out (I don't know how)!!! When she asked me about it I confessed. Now she is mad as all hell hasn't talked to me for 5 days and is sleeping in spare bed... (She has been away on a girls w/e this w/e so that has been some respite for both of us.)

To make matters worse she had a hysterectomy about 4 weeks ago so is feeling bad about that too..

We had a really good relationship until now. We met about 5 years ago when both of our first marriages had just broken up and we married this past April. We spend basically all of our spare time together. The only thing I typically do without her is the odd game of touch rugby and go on bike rides occasionally (we even bought a tandem that we ride together now...) I very rarely go out without her (happy hour once every couple of months but she is always invited anyway as most of my friends are her friends too). I'm not the kind who does lots of stuff without her or regularly frequents clubs and stuff - this is the first time I have been to a strip club since my early twenties (now 47). Our sex life is normally really good - I am more than happy with what I have at home.

I know she thinks I look at other girls too much - even when we are watching stupid shows on TV but its not like I want to go hook up with them - I know she looks at other men too but she always says that's different - its only like music stars (Tim McGraw...) and stuff and she knows she would never have a chance with them...

I don't to make up for this indiscretion - it seems like it is going to break us up as she is never going to forgive me (let alone forget it...)

Any suggestions on how I should make it up to her would be appreciated...

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Originally Posted By: wledena
Last week when I was away on a work trip the younger guys I was with wanted to go to a strip club on our way back from a brew pub that was some 30 miles from our hotel. I am new to the job and the work site but these guys are regulars to the site (and the club apparently)... I told them I didn't want to go - I am a happily married man but it was 20 miles from our hotel and I didn't want to be the fun police and have them drive me back to the hotel (we only had one car)... I figured it was harmless enough and so long as my wife didn't find out it would be fine (bad attitude I know...) Well she did find out (I don't know how)!!! When she asked me about it I confessed. Now she is mad as all hell hasn't talked to me for 5 days and is sleeping in spare bed... (She has been away on a girls w/e this w/e so that has been some respite for both of us.)

To make matters worse she had a hysterectomy about 4 weeks ago so is feeling bad about that too..

We had a really good relationship until now. We met about 5 years ago when both of our first marriages had just broken up and we married this past April. We spend basically all of our spare time together. The only thing I typically do without her is the odd game of touch rugby and go on bike rides occasionally (we even bought a tandem that we ride together now...) I very rarely go out without her (happy hour once every couple of months but she is always invited anyway as most of my friends are her friends too). I'm not the kind who does lots of stuff without her or regularly frequents clubs and stuff - this is the first time I have been to a strip club since my early twenties (now 47). Our sex life is normally really good - I am more than happy with what I have at home.

I know she thinks I look at other girls too much - even when we are watching stupid shows on TV but its not like I want to go hook up with them - I know she looks at other men too but she always says that's different - its only like music stars (Tim McGraw...) and stuff and she knows she would never have a chance with them...

I don't to make up for this indiscretion - it seems like it is going to break us up as she is never going to forgive me (let alone forget it...)

Any suggestions on how I should make it up to her would be appreciated...




I see lots of red flags here but first please answer one question. Were you both divorced when you met?

Also, you should click notify and ask the mods to move this thread to Marriage 101 or maybe even to Surviving An Affair if my hunch is right.


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Your wife is feeling threatened by your behavior of looking at other women. She feels as though she is not meeting your needs - in terms of sexual fulfillment, and in terms of attractiveness. Also YOU are not meeting her needs in feeling admired and in making her know that she is an attractive mate for you.

Read on this site about how to go about making her needs be met. Look particularly at the Emotional Needs section. Read about them, and figure out what her emotional needs are, and which needs you have not met of hers. MEET THEM. You need to understand that her worries are that she is not meeting yours - and your viewing of other women is a slap in the face to that - you have virtually confirmed this to her. She has expressed to you that she has this fear, which should tell you that you are not meeting her need to be validated that she is doing a good job of being attractive enough for you. Help her with this.


Read the emotional needs information!


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Originally Posted By: wledena
)... I figured it was harmless enough and so long as my wife didn't find out it would be fine (bad attitude I know...)


Its pretty clear to me that the approval of your peers is more important than your wife's feelings. And that you believe lying to your wife is ok. Your wife, no doubt, understands that now and is rightly upset about it.

Did your relationship start as an affair?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted By: wledena
I figured it was harmless enough and so long as my wife didn't find out it would be fine


It is "harmless" to lie to your wife? crazy Harmless to whom? Certainly not your wife.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: wledena

I know she thinks I look at other girls too much - even when we are watching stupid shows on TV but its not like I want to go hook up with them -


Why don't you just keep doing that, then? See how long your wife stays in love with you. Why would you continue to do that if your wife has told you it bothers her?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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wledena Offline OP
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I was separated - my wife had left me - I was willing to try again but she wasn't so we never got back together and divorced after the mandatory separation period. My current wife was "estranged" - her husband was in the spare room but hadn't actually moved out - he finally got around to getting his own place and moving out a few months after we met.

I have read some of the needs advice and the surviving an affair - good advice - I'm gonna have to offer up some compensation...

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Why did your 1st wife leave you?

How much did lying play in your first marriage?

Are you being 100% honest on this forum today?

How much of your day is filled with fantasizing about porn, prostitutes, and women other than your wife?

You do realize your marriage was based on adultery?


Last edited by itistoughlove; 11/08/11 11:12 AM.
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I would also move this thread to the SAA forum by clicking notify below. You will get 1000x more help.

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First, I think you probably know that going to a strip club was a really bad idea. It was an even worse idea to be dishonest/try to hide it. Deception is never a good thing.

However, this thread is no longer nor will it be again about making amends to your wife for the stripper incident. You have just posted on this particular site that your and your wife were not officially divorced when you met.

So the help part of your help thread is over. You are now an adulterer. And that will be the sole focus of the rest of this thread.

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allaloneagain is only partly right.

Affairs have a very low success rate. Affairages have an extremely low success rate. Dr Harley himself has stated that although he tries to save affairages, he hasn't found success with them.

Affairages are built on foundations that are made from selfishness, dishonesty and a freeloader(at best a renter) mentality. This is the largest obstacle that DrH has had in trying to save these types of marriages.


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