"Even some of the people (friends and family) that are on my side don't think it was such a good idea to expose to the Om's family and friends."

And, they have how many years of experience? Notta. I wouldn't fault them just yet...people are uncomfortable with what they perceive as confrontation and "dirty laundry". Don't worry about this. You'll see who will net out as an friend to marriage and who doesn't.

That probably is of little comfort to you right at this VERY moment, but it will be in the near future. Let this message and reality resonate. Ignore the scoffs and accept the help.

Underdog, stop second guessing yourself! You absolutely did the right thing! Exposure is the most potent weapon against an affair and is the MAIN PART of Plan A. You did not get that idea "off the internet," you got it from Dr Willard Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders. He has specialized in infidelity for 40 years and he says:

here





Thats ok. Most people don't know how to save a marriage from an affair. You can't expect everyone to understand what you are doing. That is an expectation.


If your wife were serious about reconciliation, exposure will not EVER stop her. She wants the apartment because she is angry about exposure.


Remorse for what? You have done nothing wrong. It is wrong to have an affair, it is not wrong to expose an affair. She will use your remorse as a weapon against you.

Please stop allowing others who don't know or care about your marriage to affect you. You did something that has been instrumental in saving hundreds of marriages on this forum over the years. Dr Harley is not some guy on the internet, he is a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in infidelity.

Stop second guessing your self!!!

No, exposure is not a "selfish demand." It is the CORNERSTONE of Plan A. Listen to Dr Harley in these radio clips to other betrayed husbands about exposure.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2815

and http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2850

And, there you go.

This isn't some "random website" blog or chat room for you to bit-h about your spouse or "blog" about your troubles.

This is a plan, based on Harley's principals, to save your marriage, my friend.

Stick to it.

I was going to say (Melodylane beat me to it)
exposure is part of plan A. The stick part.
You are still IN plan A.

Ride out the venom (tantrums from WW and any others who tantrum about it) and continue onward.

If you had not recieved attacks on your action of exposure, it would have been MORE of a concern.

Stand strong and tall and CALM no matter what now.

UD,

I felt the SAME WAY before/during exposure!

Now, we're @ 8 months out, and I can tell you:

*the angrier your WS, the more damage you did to the affair. You will have killed it.
*you burst the fantasy they were living in. The affair looks a whole lot uglier to alot of people now...the light will kill it
*getting OMs family invilved is huge -- there was no one on our side that OM had to explain himself to, but I suppose he had a whole lot of 'splaining to do to his mommy, sisters, coworkers, etc. rwgarding his activitied with a married woman w/ 2 young children...

You done great!

Other people are mad that you exposed your WW and OM because it shows that THEY knew something about the affair and didn't do anything to stop it. It makes THEM look bad.

It's not always easy to do the right thing, but it must be done, always.

Now, do you need any help with Plan A?

Under;

You need to change those conversations -- you shouldn't be talking about what YOU did wrong (or implying agreement that exposure was wrong) you should be talking about how that was your only option to STOP HER AFFAIR.

C'mon, really? Nobody thinks having an affair is a BAD thing?

Stop worrying about what SHE SAYS. Only be concerned about what she DOES. Of course she's going to blather on and foam at the mouth!

She's trying to use anger to diffuse you.

Now, do you need any help with Plan A?

Yes! I do. I'm not sure where the line is to be drawn.

I used to write her poetry letters in our past. This would be a big no in plan A, right?

I cooked dinner last night and was nice and respectful. I brought her her plate and it really bothers her me doing things for her. Is this wrong in plan A.

I just want things to be calming and relaxed, especially in front of the kids, but it hurts a little to see the girls and 'mommy' interact as if nothing has changed and there is no big deal. Don't get me wrong, I want the kids to maintain a healthy relationship with 'mommy' for thier sakes even if my WW and me are having this problem. It's just hard because they know most everything.

She seems intent on getting the apartment she looked at at the end of this month if I do not move out. I cooked dinner last night after comming home from being out a bit to just calm the house. She does seem more relaxed about the exposure now and only complaining about all the calls she is getting. But not another word today.

I did call her today to make sure she remembered to find out about her idea to refi the house in her name and buy me out.

I know I can't pay all the bills by myself when she leaves and I have made a few calls this morning to get some FREE legal advice about what my options are if she leaves because it is looking like she has me by the short hairs. She can leave the house and get an apartment in our area to keep the girls in our district and I'll be trying to pay the mortgage while falling behind on the credit payments in order to keep heat in the house.

It seems in order for absolute divorce I need to have proof of adultry and even then it doesn't seem like a real winner to save me from financial ruin. It seems because the WW has a larger extended family, aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents that live in the area that have been part of the girls lives since the day they were each born WW would have a greater claim on keeping the kids.

I am job searching for a higher income and trying to maintain my current employment.

There is just so much I have to do and so little time at hand that it all seems overwhelming.

Please stop doing this. You are contributing to your own demise. EVERY WS threatens to move out and "get a divorce" when the affair is exposed. RARELY do they follow through. It is a THREAT designed to get you back under her control. By acting like you did something wrong, you have handed her back control of your family.

STOP doing that, UD. GEt control of your self. Stop talking about divorce. Tell her if she wants to file for divorce, she will have to do that herself and you WILL NOT COOPERATE.

Tell her you will not refinance your home to help her fund an apartment. Tell her you will only sell the house if court ordered. And if she files for divorce, TELL HER YOU WILL COUNTERSUE ON GROUNDS OF ADULTERY.

Please stop going along with her fogbabble and take some control of your emotions, my friends. You are allowing your feelings of FEAR to dictate your actions and that is a huge mistake.

So, go tell her you won't be cooperating wiht any divorce schemes and won't be refinancing the house. If she wants to move out, you will take legal action to ensure she continues paying the mortgage. See, a spouse cannot just abandon their family and stop paying the bills.

Take back control and stop operating on fear!! Settle down and stop being so reactionary.

You are doing good.

Sorry ML, we must have been typing at the same time.

If you file on grounds of adultery, they will subpeona their emails and cell phone records in discovery. They can also subpoena the OM's wife, the OM and any other witnesses to give sworn testimony. You likely will never get that far, but you need to be painting a very ugly difficult picture of divorce to her.

By rolling over and playing dead, you are only contributing to your own demise. You are making it easy. You are cooperating with a falling down drunk right now. And her goal is the destruction of your marriage and family. It is up to you to STOP that. If you cooperate with someone whose goal is the destruction of your marriage, you will end up with a destroyed marriage.

UD,

I just caught up on the end of your thread. You�ve exposed, which is good.

Now you have to ride out the storm. She�s going to huff and puff, but you have the most challenging thing to do in this mess at this point, which means that you must act like you�re calm and cool and totally sure of yourself.

That will do more for you than you can possibly imagine.

But you must stop any and all talk that feeds her fantasy of a amicable divorce. That means that if she asks if you�re moving out, you respond, calmly, �I�m not going anywhere and neither are the kids. If you want out, you know where the door is. I�d rather talk about how you�re going to end your affair and work on our marriage.�

Repeat as necessary.

YOU don�t need to be the one to move.

I also saw that you�re making some very common, but mistaken assumptions about custody and dads. She doesn�t have anymore of an advantage than you do. You will both need to work if there is a D. You will both need daycare services. You will both be approached in terms of what is in the best interests of the kids.

If she moves out, I�d file first for abandonment and sole physical and legal custody. I�d go into a dark plan b.

Many men here were afraid. Many men here thought they couldn�t win custody. Many men have won custody and saved their marriages.

Your job at this point is to stand your ground and be the lighthouse. Don�t feed her fantasy of D. If she talks D, let her know that it won�t be pleasant or easy. Let her know that you won�t be friends.

You won�t. Any thought that you might be is a big fantasy and it�s one that is fed by both betrayed and waywards when they waiver on fighting for the marriage or not.

Fighting for your marriage is the only option for you. Don�t lay down.

UD,

My W attacked me after exposure...said I didn't show much 'care' for her by making the affair public, threatened divorce, she'd get the house, I'd pay through my a--...all the usual fogbabble.

I stated I'd do whatever I felt necessary to fight for my marriage, our family, and that we would NOT be friends after, and that I'd counter file on grounds of adultery, which would include subpeonas for OM and his family, etc, phone bills, cards, other 'evidence', etc. of the affair.

I do believe that was that last time (Sat., March 12th?)my W ever mentioned divorce.

Now we're in recovery.

[color:#000099]I�ll try. Thanks ML[/color]

She does not know what she wants because she is fogged out. She is high on the fumes of an affair. You HAVE TO STOP LISTENING TO HER AND TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY. IT is like taking seriously the rantings of a falling down drunk. As a falling down drunk, I was "very serious" that I wanted to kill my husband. Until I sobered up.

See what I mean? Your wife is HIGH. So stop paying attention to her. You need to pay attention to your own agenda, not hers.


But if she re-fi's, won't that give her the money for the apartment?


That sounds like an AWESOME IDEA! It will force her to make payments and protect you and your kids financially. I think that is a great idea. And she will also know you are serious.

PLEASE GO DO THIS!!

Please stop second guessing yourself, my friend. You are doing a great job. The only problem is that you allow others to whisper bullcrap in your ear which makes you question yourself. Please stop. Those of us who are posting to you are not just "people on the internet." We are people jsut like you who have SAVED OUR MARRIAGES USING THESE PRINCIPLES. The people whispering in your ears have never saved a marriage and many are actively enabling your wife. Dr Harley is a leading clinical psychologist and published author. He is not just some guy on the internet.

I thought the idea was trying to stop divorce. Now it's an awesome idea for me to file?

ML, forgive me if I don't understand. Reading the other posts it seemed that:

'It is up to ME to STOP that. If you cooperate with someone whose goal is the destruction of your marriage, you will end up with a destroyed marriage.'

????

What this would do is protect you financially while you buy some time. You don't want to end up divorced, but if she is going to stop paying her share of bills, you want to take steps to prevent that. You have an obligation to protect yourself and your kids. You could get a temporary financial and custody agreement in place and then DRAG it out. Chances are you could outlast the affair and then DROP the divorce. See what I mean? The goal is not to end up divorced, but to protect yourself financially.

Her goal is to destroy your marriage. But yours IS NOT. Yours is to protect yourself and drag this out on YOUR TERMS.