(sorry this post is so long)

Thought we were just in a tough spot in our 20 year relationship and 17 year marriage.

I�m leaving-you-day was October 7.

May/June this year, when the wife had stated that she was not happy in the marriage and was thinking of separation, I didn�t want that at all. I thought we could do better, but thought we were trying together. She was back in our bed. She didn�t mind my snoring as much and we were having regular relations again. But the damn cell phone and texting was always taking her attention from me.

Then five or six weeks ago she abruptly left our bed for the couch again.

She cleaned out the joint account of all her contributions to our two income financial survival. I lost my cool and couldn�t understand what she was doing. I couldn�t pay Mortgage on time and have been struggling with all the other bills these past few weeks. WW hit me with the I�m leaving you because a whole host of crap that amounted to I suck.

But she definitely let me know she was not in love with me anymore. My response was telling her about our vows, how it doesn�t have to be like this, I was in this for the long haul� Blah, blah�Think of the devastation to our family, I still Love You, and why can�t we work through this?

Coming home from work she had basically stopped doing anything and just watching me do all the dinners, laundry and dishes every night while she caught up on face book and texts in between watching TV all night. Basically not leaving the living room all night other then baths and work. This went on for a while but I was feeling that things were starting to get better while she was tapering off the high dose of medication..

Just this past Thursday after I went grocery shopping just to make sure we had enough in the house to eat for the next few days. She asked what am I doing? As I�m putting groceries away and starts asking questions of me as to what my future plans were? Is she getting an apartment or should she try to refinance the house? I�m feeling devastated again and go upstairs and we talk more. I�m still doing everything wrong asking for another chance at this and finally pull out the gift I bought her a while ago but hadn�t had the reason or occasion yet.

She breaks up crying and finally tells me about the affair!

Man, what a fool I was. The lies and betrayal have me even more devastated. Why didn�t I see this? I guess I was just walking the walk of death to our marriage. So I finally find out that this has been an EA with the Om that has turned into a PA. Turns out this POS is an old F-ing boyfriend from High School, before we even met . And he is married with two children of his own .

This damn EA/PA has been going on since the beginning of this year and they were consoling and counseling each other with how each others relationship has been. I finally know now that it was way more than a kiss from Om BS and probably EA/PA before I even was talked to in May about her unhappyness. Supposedly they were both cooling off and trying to work on their own marriages before the PA, but I�m sure that�s all BS.

She told me that only her and I know about the affair and that was BS. Even my own kids knew about the EA from the messages she read on mommy�s phone. Of course mommy put a password lock on her phone promptly after that. I�m thinking everyone of her friends knew and so does her family and no one told me! I feel so used and stupid.

I asked for NC and Wayward spouse agreed, however has changed mind and has not broken off the affair/contact and willing to be committed to the marriage. Has not stopped talking and texting this POS. She is still his friend on face book.

Neither the WW or me can really afford the house alone and I�m torn as to what I should do concerning the financial situation as well. Most all the debt is in my name only except for the house, for I was a fool and put most in my name for better finance charges. I know I should get myself together and start moving on. It�s just so hard to realize everything I had counted upon has taken such a nose-dive. My girls say they hate what she is doing, but she is still their mom and WS says she doesn�t want to put the screws to me, but I can�t believe anything she says anymore. She has moved past the point of caring what me or the kids want.

Please, will someone stick a fork in me? Am too late? I think I was doing the 180 during our reconciliation period because I didn�t understand why we could not connect sincerely and actually drank more into my own depression.

Now since I know about the EA/PA, I see now that I did everything wrong. It feels like I have lost her now. Before she admitted A, I cried and apologized for all the hurt I put her through over the years due to her laundry list of items she could just recite at will. Half true and half not so true, but I didn�t care, I took the blame. I feel as though I wouldn�t have done everything so wrong if I knew about the EA/PA up front.

Someone hit me with some 2 x 4�s! I�m still sick and am still wanting this marriage to work even though I�m kidding myself.

She is going out with her close F best friends to another darn bar band concert this Friday and expects me to watch the kids again like before and already told me I can�t come.

Thinking I need a spine here, but I realize my drinking was a sin against her as well, and I do still love my wife. I also have bad feelings that she is even getting coached by someone close to her but not the Om. Maybe SIL (who doesn�t like me) or WSBF (who keeps taking her to these bars all the time.

I still keep trying to repair the damage in our marriage because we are still living somewhat together in the house because she knows I really don�t have anywhere to go and I just don�t want to leave.

I�m still trying to talk and she is just moving too fast for me. It�s been almost a month now, (and I know it will take forever)of me still trying to prove that I can be a better husband and even though I feel I at least owe this to our marriage, to at least do positive changes for me and the family, that she notices but is still moving on with her agenda of not continuing with the marriage.

I want to save my marriage. I'm trying very hard to show her this is not the best thing for herself or for our kids. If any of you can offer support, your help is appreciated.

Hi and sorry you're here. I gather your WW has an EA/PA with an old HS BF, promised and broke NC, and is otherwise acting classically wayward.

Can you possibly condense that down to about 3 paragraphs? Not many here are going to read all that, and I know someone is going to ask you anyway.

Married 17 - how old are you both? How old are your kids? Any history of infidelity in the relationship before this?

"WW has an EA/PA with an old HS BF, promised and broke NC, and is otherwise acting classically wayward."

Exactly! Why didn't I write that?

I will try to edit out my rant...

No history of infedelity before.

Married 17 years
Me 44 years
WW 42 years

D 12 years
D 15 years

UD99,

I am sorry you are here, but you've come to a good place.

Classic Wayward actions. Here are some questions you will need answers to....

Is OM married, does he live in your town, do you have contact information for OM, how much do your children know(you said they read a text), does she want to save the marriage?

Keep posting.

1) Is OM married?
Yes, and I decided to contact Om BS and she knew.

2) Does he live in your town?
Not same town, but only 10 or 15 minutes away.

3) Do you have contact information for OM?

Home number and address.

4) how much do your children know(you said they read a text),

They know now and WW is having big fights with youngest and eldest is bottling up. Everyone tells her it is wrong and she doesn't really seem to care. Tells them when they are older they will understand and more bull like how she would do anything for them. The kids will always love her because she will always be mom. But they are hurt as well and they know it is not anything about them.

5)does she want to save the marriage?
No she does not. Seems only I do. She says she does not love me.

It seems this whole thing started as an emotional affair through facebook. Would it be a bad idea to try and get her to fill out an Emotional needs questionnaire at this point? Even if under the impression that it could help me understand what happened as to how I was not meeting those needs?

Stick around and the vets will be here soon. They are putting out a fire on a different thread.

I know they will tell you the first thing to do it expose which will be hard and you will not want to do it but it is the first step to breaking up the affair. You cant get through to her at all untill the affair is gone and she is finished with withdrawl.

Thanks. And to the others input, thanks. I seem to have lost my manners.

I feel that most her side of the family and friends knew we were having issues and she was not happy. But I do not know who or if anyone knew about EA/PA infedelity. That she was killing our marriage without giving me a real chance to work on our problems.

Om BS said to me that she didn't want everyone to know in her end.

Hey, you dont have to have manners here....
This is where you can yell, scream, hollor, and cry. We wont tell.

I think Marital will be here soon with her starter kit..lol She is good so listen to what she says and read everything she links you to and you will see how to make progress.

Here is a video to start you out.
Here

Here is a link to the Carrot and the stick plan A. Good Reading.
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...flat&Number=2400725&#Post2400725

Welcome to Marriage Builders, UnderDog. I'm sorry you've had to find your way here.

Your WW is in an affair. You've told her AP's wife. Your children know.

What did OM's wife say? How is she dealing with the A on her end?
Your WW refuses to end the A. Have you let her know that you will not put up with this? Let her know that you won't live with this. Do not allow her to contact him in front of you. Tell your children that their mother is doing a bad thing right now, but you're going to try to help her. LOCK UP ALL OF YOUR MONEY. NOW. She's already shown you that she will take money to finance her affair. Do not give her access to family money. Shut down accounts that you both have access to - take the money out and put it in a new account that only you have access to. Leave just enough (50.00, maybe) to keep the account open.

Close all of your joint credit cards. If you have balances on the accounts, tell the card issuers that you want the credit limit to be the balance owed. Tell them you want to be alerted to activity on the account. Close any other accounts she can access to get money. Waywards will bankrupt their family in order to finance their affair.

Skip trying to educate her with the ENs questionnaire. You can't educate a wayward when they're fogged up in an affair.

If she starts flapping her gums about divorce, let her know that you have no intention of divorcing. And if she pursues that whole silliness, you will pursue complete custody of your children, will not pay alimony, and WILL NOT GIVE HER THE HOUSE. She will be ON HER OWN.

You can kill this thing, UD. Don't be a wuss and be afraid of her anger. Be MORE afraid of life without her. She's addicted now. You need to help her with her addiction.

Hi underdog, welcome to Marriage Builders. The most effective weapon you have against the affair is exposure. Everyone should know of the affair, your parents, her parents, the OM's parents, friends, family, children, and the OM's facebook friends.

See, affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposing them ruins the fantasy. It is no fun having an affair when everyone is looking.

My suggestion would be to expose the affair in the same day to create a tsunami effect. Additionally, you should DEMAND that your wife end her affair NOW. Cancel her cell phone, cut off the internet, tell her under no circumstances is she to contact her scumbag in the home of you and your children.

To expose, I would make up a list of her parents, your parents, family, friends, the OM's parents and other key targets and call them all. Tell them about the affair and ask them to use their influence to persuade the adulterers to stop it.

Go to the OM's facebook page TODAY and copy and paste all his contacts into a WORD document for safekeeping. On the day you expose, send a private message out to all his facebook contacts [SPACE ALL YOUR PRIVATE MESSAGES OUT 60 SECONDS APART SO YOU ARE NOT SHUT DOWN FOR FLOODING]:

UD,

Listen to the last two MB and ML are two of the best. You have got to read SAA. Get that book here or at a local book store. Your wife, just like mine was is addicted. You can and have intervened, this will help kill the affair. Until then, be pleasant, be firm, be strong, and take care of yourself.

1) Expose.....

Keep posting. The next few weeks are going to be a roller coaster ride of emotions. You have help here.

What did OM's wife say? How is she dealing with the A on her end?
She seems stronger than me.
Om's wife stated that she is devastated as well and that she wants her marriage but says she is keeping her house and the kids and the Om (42) will live with his parents. Om told his wife that he had no intentions of living of marrying my WW.

Your WW refuses to end the A. Have you let her know that you will not put up with this? Let her know that you won't live with this. Do not allow her to contact him in front of you.

I wish I had read this before tonight. I stated to her that I wanted to make things right in our marriage and that I would do anything to make this marriage work like my quitting drinking. But I needed her to stop all communication with this person. We were already having problems but now WW is telling me that the talking and texting started in February.

WW didn't tell me seriously about not being happy in the marriage until springtime and we were going to work on it together. SHe was texting him in front of my face for months and even texted her goodnight, tonight while I was speaking with her. SHe stated that she was not willing to stop seeing this guy and that she loves him. She couldn't remember why she stopped with him over twenty years ago. She thinks she was just young and dumb she stated. Man if she could see how dumb she is now. But I guess I'm dumber for giving my heart. Ugh.

Tell your children that their mother is doing a bad thing right now, but you're going to try to help her.

OK
LOCK UP ALL OF YOUR MONEY. NOW. She's already shown you that she will take money to finance her affair. Do not give her access to family money. Shut down accounts that you both have access to - take the money out and put it in a new account that only you have access to. Leave just enough (50.00, maybe) to keep the account open.
I have done that already. For years she would spend every cent in our jiont account until I woke up one day with a mortgage and 50,000 in credit card bills all late and no money to pay them. I had to get a seperate account so bills would not bounce. It used to be that I had some money and could cover that stuff but she tapped me out and we have been kind of living on the edge here lately. But I'm not rich anyway.
Close all of your joint credit cards. If you have balances on the accounts, tell the card issuers that you want the credit limit to be the balance owed. Tell them you want to be alerted to activity on the account. Close any other accounts she can access to get money. Waywards will bankrupt their family in order to finance their affair.
She has been trying to bankrupt me for years and I took a lot of debt that she refused to pay on her credit cards atill theywere all 29.99% interest with klate fees and wrapped a lot of them into my name with a lower interest like 4 - 9% for the sake of our family. But she would always get more and would spend again. Right now I am still carrying about 30,000 - 40,000 all in my name. She just got a loan against her 401K to pay off some of her latest ones and 8,000 on one of mine. I talked her out of a new car and tried to get her focused on our debt.
Skip trying to educate her with the ENs questionnaire. You can't educate a wayward when they're fogged up in an affair. She didn't want to anyway and stated that she should go to her sisters after she did.If she starts flapping her gums about divorce, let her know that you have no intention of divorcing. And if she pursues that whole silliness, you will pursue complete custody of your children, will not pay alimony, and WILL NOT GIVE HER THE HOUSE. She will be ON HER OWN. SHe stated that she wants divorce and is willing to get an apartment if need be and has already started to get the house appraised to see if she could buy me out. SHe is kind of nuts.
SHe says that I have already WON the kids because she thinks they hate her and want to live with me. I can't pay the mortgage and this debt all by myself. Tommorrow is her payday and after her withholding family finances last month, I just can't take another hit and keep things floating.You can kill this thing, UD. Don't be a wuss and be afraid of her anger. Be MORE afraid of life without her. She's addicted now. You need to help her with her addiction.I'm thinking I did everything wrong. I have made life more pleasing here and the kids notice, but she does practically nothing here to clean or fix up the place. She has me by the do-dads big time. If I made more money I would have kicked HER out by now. SHe thinks she is doing me a favor by giving me a couple of months to figure all this out.

She can be very delusional when it comes to realistic finances. Did I mention she is on 300 mg of Effexor? I thought she was tappering down to 225mg but she said she went back up. Ugh!

Thanks for your advice.

I got all the facebook friends from Om scumbag's page. I'm not sure what will happen with wife's family and friends being that she had everyone all feeling sorry for her just 3 weeks ago because she was so unhappy with our marriage. I'm not sure if them finding out about an affair now would even phase them even if it was starting way back in February. But I will do it if it might help.

I had talked to Om scumbag's wife already.

Thanks.

I'm new *edit*

Insider - I don't think so. New, yes. It appears as though you are not familar with MB materials and principles. Have you read any of the material on this site or have you just jumped into giving your uninformed reactions and opinions to people who are really hurting and looking for answers?

Underdog, you are getting input from the most experienced people on here. They have a proven track record of busting up affairs and getting marriages on the road to recovery.

AM

*edit*

You have no experience, just reading things doesn't make you an expert or 'informed'.

Insider, I am leaving up the only part of your post that other posters need to see so they know to be careful when reading your advice. You have been warned about continuing to disrupt threads with advice that is contrary to the concepts of this site. We will not permit you to post damaging advice to our members.

Continued violation of the Terms of Service on this site can cause a permanent loss of posting privileges.

Well, wife asked if we were paying mortgage today because she gets paid and has stopped making deposits into our joint account.
I asked if she could put what she could into the joint account so she does not spend the money until I can come up with the rest.

It seemed as if she was worried I will spend it on other things. This from the person who contributed $500 to our 3,000-3,500 monthly bills last month.

I had to wipe out what little money I was saving just to make ends meet last month and let her know that.

Of course she hates to talk about money. She always has and I had tried to make it easy on her over the years by always covering. I used to always contribute everything I made for years and years. Now I can't cover her lack of contributions to the family budget and am thinking I need to get another job, if I can. It's hard to even think about when I'm trying to be home more for her and the kids and also maintain the business I have now.

My daughter mentioned that she thinks my WW's best friend that she is going out with knows about the Om because she thinks she heard them talk about him before. So I'm pretty sure that this bar band concert thing Saturday is basically also a date for my WW and the Om.

I want to smash that phone of my WW and the face of the Om.
But I will not.

Do you know where they are going? I would leave about 15-20 minutes after them and show up. hang in the background and see what I could find.

It's time for your WW to have a dose of reality regarding the family bills. She is apparently laboring under the delusion that your current finances will cushion her affair. Disabuse her of this notion. This could deliver a seriously damaging blow to her fantasy.

It also appears that OM is less committed to WW than he may have led her to believe, which is usually par for the course in an affair.

Does your WW know that he told his wife that he had no intention of marrying her?

I would certainly not think less of you if that phone was to inadvertently find its way into the toilet...oops!

And then let her buy her own replacement. But don't let her treat you like a doormat, by texting and talking to him in front of you!

We can't help you if you won't expose the affair. Your wife's family is feeling sorry for her because she LIED to them. Did you read my post? The longer you wait the less effective it is so you need to get it done this week.. Don't put this step off any longer. It is very hard to save a marriage when you become an enabler and hiding her affair for her is to ENABLE the affair.

Asking us to help someone who won't expose is like asking us to help you push a car up the hill with the parking brake on. We can't help you push unless you take the brake OFF. Your best hope of saving this marriage is to expose the affair.

Expose the affair, my friend. Listen to the radio clips about exposure here: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2518985#Post2518985

here

Have you spoken to the OM's PARENTS to see how they feel about the affair? Speaking to his parents might throw a wrench into his plans.

CV, I know where they are going. She still is pretending that it is just to see he best friend and the other girls to hang out. I think this best friend has known about this affair for a while though and might even be promoting such a thing. I'm not sure.

WW told me exactly where it was and the last few times she has told me where and when and I would trust her before I knew about the Om.

I think I wouldn't know what to do if I saw WW and Om there together. I have a negative vision of having to endure watching her kiss him and even though I know it happened before, watching it transpire would just rip my heart out.

Then she would think I was stalking and maybe not tell me next time where and when.

I'm still waiting to see about if she contributes to the family funds today or if she is going to hold me hostage.

I feel if I start the exposure process to her friends and family today, she will leave me holding the bag again.

I'm still not sure if the family and friends know of Om or not, but thinking that some do.

This BF of the WW has a husband who lets her do whatever she wants and they don't have kids. WW BF goes out for entertainment all the time and my wife said she missed being able to hang out with her because she was trapped with the kids for years because they were so young before.

All smoke and mirrors I think to facilitate seeing this Om.

UD,

My WW used a friend to help cover up her PA....they were in it together. They spent hours complaining about each others H until my WW found OM. Her "friend" actually wrote a letter to OM telling him how happy he made my WW. I found letters, could have smashed them both with the phone.... I didn't either.

I would request, if not demand your WW not go. If she does go, tell her how much that hurts you and the children. Probably won't do much good, she is in deep fog, but you need to start placing your EP in place.

The next few weeks, expect to see or find more instances of her sneaking around. These are the worst time.... It Sucks. Be strong, take care of yourself.

Are you sleeping and eating?

Holding what bag? Like you're not holding a bag right now?

UD, exposure is your best move for killing the A. Do it all at once. To as many people as you can who are in a position to influence WW and OM to end the A.

Ok heres the deal. You said you cant afford the bills without her and that is where it is heading so you cant lose by exposing and maybe getting your wife back from the alien that has taken over her body.

Seriously, that is what happens in an affair. They are not the person you know and love. They are what we call in the fog and will do anything to anyone to keep up the high.

Kill the high and the fun of the affair and you will do wonders on killing the affair itself.


Your daughters are old enough to decide where they live if you guys split so dont let that be something you need to worry about right now.

ALSO, DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT TAKING A 2ND JOB TO FINANCE HER AFFAIR !!!!!

UD,

I just read your last paragraph again.... Does your WW's BF husband known she has been helping hide an affair? If he doesn't, tell him. He will probably be less likely to let his W hang out with your WW.

Expose to everyone who may have influence to end this fantasy. Call OMW and let her now about possible meetings. Call OM parents. Pull the curtain off this PA and let the light of truth destroy it.

Listen to ML and CV.... They have helped me more than I can ever express or repay.

Let her get a second job. Less time for her OM.

I would request, if not demand your WW not go. If she does go, tell her how much that hurts you and the children. Probably won't do much good, she is in deep fog, but you need to start placing your EP in place.
I should maybe ask her not to go, but this was part of her 'selfish' speach she gave me before she decided to tell me she wanted a seperation. She felt trapped about not being able to hang with her friends and she is still trying to pretend that it's just for the band and the 'girl' friends.

I'm debating on calling this best friend to try and talk to me about the situation but know that no matter what this BF will have my WW's back on whatever.

Forgive me for not knowing what EP means or how to get it in place.

The next few weeks, expect to see or find more instances of her sneaking around. These are the worst time.... It Sucks. Be strong, take care of yourself.
Yes. It sucks now. I'm feeling the more I talk about the situation, the more I am pushing her away. She has it in her mind that she is a bad person but does not care. SHe stated she was a selfish person and did not care. All these things that she assumes I said and gives me a hard time about why now, why do I care about us now? I just didn't know and still don't, how to make things better for us. She wont let me in her heart and our trying to work on the marriage before was a sham she said. I agreed since this Om was in our family (through the phone) and sneaky meetings.

Are you sleeping and eating?

I am sleeping, but not enough and have lost 35 pounds in the last month. I have been trying to eat more fruit during the day and will eat some dinner when I cook it for the family. but there have been plenty nights recently where I just could not eat. You know.

Holding what bag? Like you're not holding a bag right now?

I know this and would just like to have the feeling that the mortgage will be paid for at least another month. I don't think I can scrape up enough money this time without her help this time.

So are you going to do nothing then?
I'm not sure what your PLAN is.

Is this just a "oh-bummer-my-wife-is-having-an-affair" thread?
Or do you want to bust up the affair and save your marriage?

What state do you live in? Have you researched whether having evidence of an affair would give you a better divorce settlement?
Its a wild card you might want in your hand. If that would benefit you, then send a PI to the club she's going to -- or ask a friend with a good camera to go.

Next, stop worrying about the mortgage payment today. If you are not successful in busting up this affair, you are likely going to sell the house, right? Can either of you afford it alone? Its time for WW to start looking at some black and white consequences. And a big one is that her daughters standard of living is about to take a big drop.

I would get those girls in your corner. Explain that their mother is having an affair, and you are doing your BEST to stop it and keep the family together. They are at ages that could help you. They have voices. Their disapproval, and their rejection of OM could do LOTS to break up her fantasy of replacing you with OM. Your daughters should know EXACTLY who OM is. Because he is an ENEMY to your family.

Ask your friends and family for their support, help, and prayers for your family. Explain that WW is involved in an affair with OM. Ask them to use their influence with WW to end her affair.

Expose to OM's side too. His parents should know exactly why he's being put out of his out to move in with them. And same, thing -- ask his parents to use their influence with him to stop destroying your family. Tell his parents you have 2 daughters who want their mother to stay home.

Underdog, were you interested in saving your marriage?

"She is going out with her close F best friends to another darn bar band concert this Friday and expects me to watch the kids again like before and already told me I can�t come.

Thinking I need a spine here, but I realize my drinking was a sin against her as well, and I do still love my wife. I also have bad feelings that she is even getting coached by someone close to her but not the Om. Maybe SIL (who doesn�t like me) or WSBF (who keeps taking her to these bars all the time."


2 things from your initial post...

1) tell her you can't watch the kids. You already have plans.

2) Get a spine. She's already admitted to an affair and you are letting her do this. Why?!?!?! C'mon man... Put a stop to this already.

In answer to your thread question, you are not making progress.. you are stalling out. Inaction enables affairs.

This is all a distraction from the real work it will take to save your marriage. If you can't put together an exposure plan here and stick to it, I don't give this much hope.

1. EXPOSE THE AFFAIR WIDE AND FAR

2. DEMAND THAT SHE END HER AFFAIR TODAY

3. IF SHE LEAVES TO SEE HER LOVER, THEN GET ON THE PHONE AND CALL THE OMW AND THE OM'S PARENTS

Seriously... Do it.

I just read your last paragraph again.... Does your WW's BF husband known she has been helping hide an affair?

I think he might. I am not sure how to get in touch with him either. We would talk at family and social functions but not really exchange phone numbers and all. I will work on that.

If he doesn't, tell him. He will probably be less likely to let his W hang out with your WW.
I will try to find out. The husband of the BF is a second husband and he lets her do whatever she wants. He will let his wife go out and party it up and then go pick her up so she does not drive drunk. He is a reformed drinker and drug user.
I never could understand how he puts up with that but starting to see a little clearer now.

Expose to everyone who may have influence to end this fantasy. Call OMW and let her now about possible meetings.
I did give OmW my number if she needed to call me. maybe I should call her to see what she knows. I had left a facebook PM to her account when I first found out from my WW but deleted it when I found a phone number. The messege still went through somehow and OmW left a message on my account. I think my WW saw that. My WW asked if I had contacted OmW last night. I wanted to tell WW hell yeah I did but could only manage to say 'Don't you think I should?'I thin and Call OM parents. Pull the curtain off this PA and let the light of truth destroy it.

I will try my best. What advice about OmW wanting to only let a few people in her family know because of ther kids she stated. I guess I should be in contact with her again.

Underdog, if you can get yourself focused enough to stick to a plan we can help you with an exposure strategy. But endless commiserating is a distraction from solving the problem.

The OM is not going to leave his wife over some cheap piece on the side so you have the advantage here. You just have to man up and use it. Raise holy unmitigated hell in his life and run him off. He will dump your wife.

Open up the gates of hell on this affair TODAY. Stop wringing your hands over the mortgage because you won't have her money anyway when you get divorced. And you are headed for divorce NOW because nothing has been done to save this marriage.

You need to inform the OM's parents, family members, and married friends via facebook using the sample letter I gave you. I would also inform the OMW after you do this and tell her that it would be a good idea to tell her children before they hear it elsewhere. Children should ALWAYS be told about the affair. YOUR children should be told by you too. [those that are over 4]

I would then move onto to calling your wife's parents, family members and any CARING friends. [I don't mean her losertard girlfriend that cares nothing about her] Call the loser friend's husband.

When you call her family and friends, tell them all about the affair, that you are trying to save your marriage and ask them to call your wife. Tell them they are an influential person in her life and ask them to use their influence to persuade her to end her affair with this married man. And be sure and tell them all the name of the man.

ML, yes I want to save my marriage.

CV, OK exposure! Should I start with the people I think might know or the people who might not?

Lexxx, I need a plan. Mine have all failed so far.

Whether or not they know doesn't matter. Contact everyone who is in a position to influence her to end the A.

ML, I have contacted OmW and she knows. My marriage was having dificulty before the affair and my WW would cry about it all to her side of the family for years. I will try to recruit as many as I can to help.

Yep. FB friends, family, Everywhere. FAR AND WIDE.

Make a list first.. one column of those whose contact info you have and one of those you need to get.

CV

Start with her family members by order of importance. Call them up and and inform tell them what I said. Then move onto the OM's parents and other facebook friends.

Do this all today so that it has a tsunami effect on your wife and the OM.

And also set your kids [those over 4] down and tell them about their mom's affair.

When your wife gets wind of this she will call and try to SCARE you into stopping it. Don't take her calls until you finished.

She will be furious and will make all sorts of threats: "I was going to work on the marriage, now I'm not," "I am filing on Monday!" blah, blah, blah, yip and yapola. Just ignore it. She is the falling down drunk who just got cut off at the bar. Just tell her you are sure sorry she is upset but you felt everyone should know.

\
I understand the OMW knows, but you will want to call her later today and update her on your exposure actions when you are done. Tell her there is a plan for the affairees to meet tonight.

It sounds like she is a timid woman who does nothing to control the situation but you should still keep her informed of every development.

Tell them ALL about the affair. You never know who will or won't help you. You might be surprised.

Actually the bar band concert is Saturday night.

The person with the most influence is her sister who has been married three times and feels she finally found the right guy.

She wont be on my side and I think she knows. Her sister is where she keeps saying she will pack up and go to. Just like she did on the night my WW told me she wanted a seperation.

I thought the idea was to keep my WW in the home where I can have time with her to try and repair our marriage.

I just talked to the wife a minute ago about how the kids want me to pick up thier friend to come over to our house because they are all off school today. I was trying to ask her opinion on the matter so as to include her.

I really suck at this. She was so pleasing on the phone even though she was obviously busy at work.

How are your exposures going?

Tell them ALL about the affair. You never know who will or won't help you. You might be surprised.

OK.

That is just fine. You can still tell her. She might not be supportive of you but that is ok. Tell everyone in her family.


The idea is to kill the affair so you have a marriage to save. You won't have a marriage if you continue to enable her.


Ask her opinion about WHAT? Are you getting distracted from exposure? I am not clear on why this was posted?

Also -- get a GPS on her car PRONTO.
Get some spyware in place immediately.

Keylogger on home computer.
Voice Activated Recorder in car.
Spyware on cell phone.
GPS on cell phone or car.

You need this in place before you lose track of things.
Because your wife will try to placate you with promises or assurances, and you need the TRUTH.

You need to be really prepared to IGNORE everything she says.
Her words mean absolutely nothing. When you expose, she will come at you like the Exorcist (head spinning and green goo spewing...) but it means absolutely NOTHING.
Be ready for it.

When she rants and raves just hear blah blah blah blah.
Don't give any credence to her threats, crys, or tantrums.
They mean NOTHING. Got it?

She will also try to take it farther underground so plan for that. A VAR in her car would cover if she gets a 2nd phone so you cant track her texts.

[i][/i]
Have to agree with this. You have had a wife that likes to spend you into the poorhouse and for years you just enabled her by covering up with money that you needed for other bills, never mind for savings. Now you've finally taken action and shortly after your wife is "unhappy" and has an affair. She felt entitled to do whatever she wanted to for years because you didn't do anything. Now that you are limiting her ability to hurt you financially, you are rolling over and letting her get away with not only having an affair, but doing it in your face.

You need to create an entirely new marriage with a whole new set of ground rules, but to do that will take actions on your part that will be outside of your comfort zone. You need to stand RESOLUTE and determined to see your course of action through.

One thing that I would do is to see a lawyer and a financial counselor to see what you can do to limit the damage to your credit rating and finances. You'd be surprised how much creditors will work with you when you are straight up with them and don't just stop paying withoout an explanation.

UD,

The boat is sinking. You need to take some drastic actions to save things. That means you must expose. Exposure will bring the affair out of the shadows and into the light.

The only thing that is guaranteed is that the affair will continue without exposure.

You don�t strike me as a totally afraid BH. You�re unsure about exposure, which is normal. But you need to act, my friend. You have nothing to lose by exposing. She�s telling you you�re done, no matter what, and she�s being �generous� and kind by giving you time to work things out.

I heard the same garbage. My greatest regret was not exposing.

Get OM�s friends list and send them all a message telling them that he�s having an affair with your wife. Then, expose to your family and her family. Expose to your friends who can put pressure on the affair.

Look at it this way: What do you have left to lose? There is nothing to lose.

Let her know that divorce will neither be nice or friendly and that all debts will be divided equally (which they will).

Tell her you�re not going to do a damn thing to either file for a D or make it easy.

My friend, if you want to save your marriage you have to set aside your fear and act. Think James Bond. Be cool, but be a man of action.

UD,

Did you expose today. I know about the fear....I waited too. The best thing is to expose. The OMW should also be of some help. She could give you names and numbers for his friends and family.

EXPOSE, EXPOSE, EXPOSE! No one who shouldn't know. Do not be afraid.

Would you want this to happen to your son or daughter? Would you be a man and stop that BS..... Stop this one, Kill it, by Exposing. Act know time is running out.

Congrats on the weight loss.....The affair diet.

Stay strong. Everyone here is pulling for you.

Guys. I started the exposure and was still going through the Om's friend list and he contacted the WW before I am even done. I still haven't finished trying to contact her side of the family.

SHe came upstairs and yelled at me how this was wrong what I did.
How this will never save our marriage.
Proves to her that she should have left a long time ago.
SHe took the kids and is going to see about an apartment today.

She told me that she had been unhappy for years and had AMPLE! AMPLE! opportunities to cheat on me and never did.

However, when she finally did she realized it was something wrong in our marriage that allowed her to do this and that she is done.

She blamed me for never wanting to go to marriage counceling and not listening to her desires. I told her I wanted to go to work on the marriage now.

SHe said she realizes that she can never stay here now because I'm going to keep on trying to fix the marriage.

I'm thinking I did the wrong thing here guys. I think I was getting closer to melting her heart to me by keeping her under the same roof and showing how I could be a better husband and father to the family in her eyes.

Man, I'm so feeling washed up now.

She said she was sorry she ever told me about the affair and should have just left me thinking it was all about our BAD marriage because she says this is why she is really leaving and nothing I can do can change her mind.

That is great!! Just continue with your exposures and get them ALL DONE TODAY. You need to do enough to hopefully kill the affair. But get this done so you can move onto next steps. Don't drag this out.

FINISH UP!!

And let her know she can't take the kids out of the home without a court order. If this goes to legal action, tell her you will be filing on grounds of ADULTERY and will have the OM subpoenaed into court to give testimony under oath about the affair.

You are doing great!! Don't LET UP!!

You should feel GREAT!! The madder the WS, the more harm your exposure inflicted on the affair!!! You hit the affair HARD!!

Just don't let up while you have them on the ropes!!

UD,

You have done the one thing she didn't want you to do..... Kill the affair. She is angry...so what. Keep going. You are one thenright track.

You are not washed up, you are Washing Up your marriage from the sin of your WW.

So proud of you Man!!

'
You don't understand. She is having an affair and planning on leaving you for her OM. THAT is not "getting closer to melting her heart," that is her affair getting stronger by the day while she enjoys having 2 men meet her needs. You thought this was progress AND IT WAS NOT.

You were headed for divorce yesterday because of an ongoing affair. Today you have a CHANCE because you have inflicted a huge blow to the affair.

See, the goal here is to save your marriage, not to avoid her wrath at all costs. Avoiding her wrath was costing you your marriage. Your marriage can survive her temporary anger over exposure, it cannot survive an affair!!

So, keep on with your exposures and don't stop until you are done. Get er done!! You are doing great!!

Facebook keeps telling me there is a problem with sending my messages. I think maybe the Om contacted them. I dunno. I'll keep trying.

make sure you space them out properly, otherwise it is called flooding and you get blocked for spamming.

Your doing great! Listen to Mel, she's the source!

UD....

Keep going.... If some block you, move on to the next one. Ask each of them to help you. If you haven't seen the letter, I'm sure it will be posted here if you need it.

You are throwing water on the wicked witch...it will melt away.

Great job.

Were you sending them 60 seconds apart? If so, it might have shut you down for flooding. In that case, you might fire up another facebook account and finish up that way.

ALSO, be sure and change your facebook pic to one of you, the wife and your kids.

Did you reach the OM's parents yet? That is the key target in exposure. And what about your phone calls?

UD, really FOCUS on finishing this up so you get it done today. You want to get it done so you can move forward in this process. When your wife attacks you, just tell her that you are so sorry she is upset, but you felt everyone should know about the affair. Offer her a potato chip.

Don't let her scare you or intimidate you into stopping. Don't fight with her. Just stay strong and take back control of your marriage!

I'm ok now with FB. I'm still feeling a little sick though.

I have not even got to the her family yet.

She said she was going to pack a bag when she got back and leave for good.

She said what are you going to do now? Shoot me? That's all you have left.

Ugh..

Plan A reply:
"No. I'm not going to harm you. Can I bring you something from the kitchen? Tea?"

Kiss her goodbye and smile sweetly!

Now, get back to the business of exposing and get this done. Call up her family members and tell them all about the affair. Explain that you love your wife and want to save your marriage. ASK THEM TO USE THEIR INFLUENCE TO PERSUADE HER TO END HER AFFAIR. <------ASK FOR THEIR HELP!

You want them all to be calling her up today to try to persuade her to end her affair.

Don't allow your wife to make you lose focus. If she is coming home, then go somewhere else to make the rest of your calls so you are not disturbed.

Give her family the NAME AND PHONE # of the OM and tell them it would be helpful if they called the OM and told him to BUZZ OFF. Be sure and let them know this loser is a MARRIED MAN. Your wife is having an affair with a MARRIED MAN.

I would pass around the OM's cell phone # wide and far and encourage folks to call the loser.

p.s. and I would sit your girls down and let them know what you have done. Make sure they understand that you are not standing for their mothers affair WITH A MARRIED MAN. They need to see a responsible adult taking a stand against this travesty. Encourage them to speak to their mother about their disappointment.

Also, tell your wife she has to end her affair. DEMAND she end all contact with the OM. ALL CONTACT FOR LIFE. Tell her this will go to divorce unless she ends all contact for life. Tell her you are willing to give her an opportunity to EARN your forgiveness if she does certain things.

Tell her that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you are not willing to settle for less; you won�t stay in a loveless marriage. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:

1. End all contact with the OM for life - immediately - send him a no contact letter that is approved by you

2. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

3. no more opposite sex friendships

4. complete honesty about her affair<s> � passing a polygraph

5. commit to a program of recovery that restores the romantic love in your marriage

Tell her "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on her willingness and ability to make radical changes. Her lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. She must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now she has failed. Unless she makes a 180 degree turn in her approach to what it means to be a wife, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if she won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.

This is great news ~ it means that what you are doing is WORKING!

Keep in mind that a wayward that is having the crackpipe snatched out of their hands (what you are in the process of doing now) will DO and SAY anything to get you to back down.

Finish up those, exposures. You are doing great! Keep going!

I have only the home phone and not his cell. I have never tolked to this sneaky jerk ever. I think his wife will be the one to answer there and she didn't want me to expose.

I'm not feeling good about this but trying to stay strong on this mission. Her family will have her side for sure. My WW has been on depression medicine for years and they all know she has not been happy. I just couldn't reach her sometimes and she would shut me out. I feel like this will make the divorce even worse and stop her from ever thinking about our marriage even if the affair stops.

Depression does not cause adultery.

ML, I just read your post and it sounds like what I want, but she is the one that wants divorce and I have stated several times that it needs to stop all together and there needs to be no contact for us to work on this marriage.

SHe just doesn't want the marriage anymore she says and that this Om is a good friend that she will not stop contact with.

All those points you wrote sound great, but I'm not where those are even on the table. As a matter of fact, those agreements seem further away than ever at this moment.

It is in the OMW's best interest for him to hear from people about his affair. Just because the OMW wants to enable the affair by keeping it secret does not mean you have to.


If her family has her side they will encourage her to stop acting like a skank and will defend you and your kids. Even if they don't take your side, you need to call them up and ask for their help. Most people will not support you or take your side, THAT IS OK. The exposure is still effective because it embarrasses the WS. They need to ALL KNOW that she is having an affair with a married man.


Adultery causes depression, so doing your best to kill the affair will help her depression. And yes, you should divorce her unless she ends her affair and EARNS your forgiveness. Let her know you would be willing to give her that opporunity but it will take alot of work on her part.

Let her know you will no longer accept or allow the status quo, that she needs to make alot changes.

I understand this. But you need to give her YOUR conditions. Tell her yes you agree that you do not want the marriage as it is. You do want a divorce too as long as things remain as they are. Then you tell her what you expect. She will be shocked that you even have conditions.

SHE BELIEVES SHE IS IN CONTROL AND IS HOPING YOU WILL BEG HER TO STAY.

See, you are setting the agenda now, NOT HER. I don't give a rip about what she wants, it is irrelevant. What matters is what you want.

I already told her that I could be a better husband and we could have a better marriage and didn't want her to leave a few nights ago. But that she had to end the affair completly and no contact. I guess she already got her begging. I really messed that part up.

What does the OMW know about the affair EXACTLY? And what is she doing to bust it up? It is very unusual for a BW to tolerate this.

Tell her now that you only want to continue the marriage if she becomes a better wife. You are not willing to settle for less but would be willing to give her a chance to EARN YOUR FORGIVNESS. She may look at you like you are on crack, but you need to say this to her and SAY IT OFTEN.

How are your exposures coming along?

Finished Om's facebook friends.

I'm going to FB most her family I can with the other text.

Is this good/OK?

deleted for privacy

PERFECT!! I like the letter very much.

UD, you are doing great. I know you are filled with anxiety and want to applaud you not allowing fear to stop you from doing the right thing. You are standing up for your family and if your wife comes out of the fog, she will thank you for doing that.

What you are doing today is the most effective way to kill an affair and save a marriage. While there are no guarantees, this is your BEST CHANCE.

Stick with it and continue the fight!!

ROFL love how they clap in unisense

Perfect way to end it !!!

<~~~ just one (unlike some people)

ROFL

me too.
Unisense it so awesome!

better the unisex

Good job Underdog!!! Now sit back and get some popcorn. She will be spitting nails mad, but you know what will happen next. You got the WS playbook, courtesy from us.

She will have NO SOFT PLACE TO LAND with the om. His wife, friends family along with ww's friends and family WILL ALL KNOW what she's up to, and they will feel the heat of their "wonderful situation".

It's really ironic but when their "good news gets out" they suddenly feel like they did something bad. They suddenly realize that their secret fantasy HARMED PEOPLE and that they can't ever have that fantasy.

You see, when the fantasy of the affair pops, when the bubble bursts, it's not so pretty anymore. It's easy in the dark, sneaking around, to lie and to make promises and to be self-indulgent to the max. That's what they do in an affair. It's only exciting because it's a shhhhhhh secret.

But when it's all out there, hanging out in the open, families are hurt, children hurt, their spouses hurt, and they realize that THEY.DID.THIS.

Of course some are so foggy that they don't care. But it's ok. for those idiots, exposure has a second benefit. The second benefit is that even those who support them, the enablers, SEE THEM FOR WHAT THEY ARE. Their lives aren't the same as long as they're "with" that stupid affair partner.

So either outcome is good, but in most cases here, I see the exposure being the final nail in the affair coffin.

I spent so much time with exposure that now I'm here watching the kids while she goes out tonight.

Talked with the BGF who she will also be going out with tonight.
SHe also told me how wrong the exposure on facebook was and how I made things worse. She seems to not get this at all about how I need the affair to stop in order to have the marriage improve.
The BGF seems to think I need to fight for my WW but my demanding the affair to end and the exposure is selfish on my part.

This is the mentality she will be hanging with tonight? I still have not finished with the family on her side, but getting there.

This all seems to be blowing up in my face so far. I hope you guys right

It's all according to the wayward script.

Have you secured the family finances?

I am sorry she is a stupid woman. How in the world does she imagine it is "selfish" for you to demand that your wife be faithful? That is stupid.

It is not blowing up in your face!! Just because some people are affair supporters does not mean your exposure failed!

You just stick to the plan and don't veer.

Have you spoken to the OMW today and let her know that your W is going out tonight so you can compare notes with her?

There are no family finances other than 40,000 in her retirement and 35,000 of credit card debt. The house is really the only asset and we still owe about 110k on that.
It should estimate for at least 225k-250k. But who knows in todays market. At one time it was worth 375k. LOL

I was just paying the bills off with her help year after year hoping that we could pay off the credit debt one day and maybe use the house for a little help if the girls go to college.

I really have no retirement or stocks to speak of now.

No I have not spoken with the OmW today. I did speak with my wife before she left. I let her know that I wasn't happy with her going tonight if the Om was going to be there. SHe assured me that he would not be. (I dunno)

However, she told me that most everyone in her side of the family knew about the Om now. I don't know what to believe but she listed of the names of the members of the family that knew.

She stated that she everyone knew she was leaving me anyway.
I told her that we could still work on this marriage and make things right.

She doesn't want to try and stated that maybe it might have worked in the past, but today she doesn't want to work on the marriage and that she doesn't want it anymore.

I'm thinking maybe I'm a lost cause here.

I don't know what to do anymore. I hope the affair is busted up anyway. But I'm sure they will still be talking to each other at least on the phone tonight.

I'm still trying to be a better husband but all she wants is for me to make sure I'm here for the girls.

It's getting harder to fight for our marriage to work when she shuts every door available to recover. "Too little too late" is all I keep hearing about our marriage.

She is buying the girls gifts as well and winning them over from me. This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with in my life.

UD,

It will be the hardest thing you've ever done.... It has for me.

Don't listen to all the hate and threats today or tomorrow. She has been delivered a major blow to her fantasy world and is reeling. Stay positive, calm and let everyone know that you want to keep the family together. She will have to explain to her children why "mommy" has left daddy for another man. Remind me, how old are kids?

My daughters are 15 & 12 years old. They knew about "mommy" texting another man before I did. They went with the wife to check out apartments today. The youngest didn't like the fact that there were no dogs allowed.

My WW told me she wanted a separation almost a month ago now but did not tell me of the Om till last week. The kids are already tore up enough. They just want to heal now and "mommy" has explained to them today that even if there was not this 'sleazy back door jerk off' in the picture, she would still be wanting to leave me because she wasn't happy.

I'm actually getting a little tired of the WW acting as though all this is my fault and it was going to happen no matter what.

The WW actually got a little bit of a shock today when she realized how much apartments are going for today. The kids were not really happy about having to share a room when they are with her. I'm going to have to really get serious about looking for more work. I need to be able to replace her income and kick her out.

She seems to think she can refi our house and buy me out. I'm thinking I would be ok with that at this point but it isn't realistic. The house needs repairs and upgrades I was working on even today, but it's really hard to fix up the place when I feel like I won't be living here anymore.

I'm quite the pack-rat as well. :-)

I would love for this Om to see what kind of house keeping my WW does these days. It sucks that they get all the others attention and thoughts and we BS get all the real life and daily grind.

Thanks for your reply.

UD,

Some of the Vets will tell you this, so let me see if I get it right. She wanted to leave before to keep her fantasy alive, she thought she could move out and have the best of both worlds. She won't have that now. A couple of days without her girls, and paying for all her needs. OM won't keep doing that for long. Keep applying the pressure on family and friends to have her stop the PA. You daughters should be old enough to know that mom wasn't just texting. She spent time and money away from family to have sex with this man. Ask your girls if that sounds right to them. Mommy is going to break up the family, hurt their future. Her gifts are bribes, they know what they are worth to her..... Would she choose them or OM? She has already made that choice once.

This next week will be tough. Be ready, take care of yourself, and your girls.

Ok, have you exposed to all these people on her side? Have you PERSONALLY exposed to them all and told them she is having an affair with a married man? I don't care what your wife told you about this, what matters is that YOU expose the affair to her family and ask for their support.

THAT NEEDS TO BE DONE TODAY.

Please don't lose your focus, UD. Stick with your plan and STOP getting distracted until you are finished.

Did you expose the affair to your daughters? Have you called the OMW to tell her that your wife plans on leaving for her husband? And compared notes?

STICK TO THE PLAN AND FINISH YOUR EXPOSURES!

Go and sit the girls down TONIGHT and tell them all about their mothers affair. Explain that she wants to leave the marriage so she can carry on her affair with this married man. Tell them you will do everything in your power to save their family.

UD...

Listen to Melody. She is spot on.

I love you Melody. In a motherly kind of way!

Girls are both gone now. Mommy told the eldest she could go to a party with her boyfriend but had to be home by eleven and youngest is sleeping over at her friends. Mommy said it was OK while she is out to party.

Both my girls know that 'Mommy' is having an affair now. We went through all the I hate you mommy and this is wrong what you are doing last Saturday. Needless to say it has been a rough week and everyone is wore out.

They know what she is doing is wrong, but they are just as powerless to stop her as I am. WW picked Om over them but is buying them off with gifts and saying yes to everything they ask for.

They have not met the Om yet or felt the impact of the reality of what mommy is doing, but they Know it hurts.


They have also been raised knowing that mommy is... how you say... SICK! Mommy has been on SSRI's since they day they were born practically.

Could someone find my nads for me/

My girls have facebook themselves and were in the car with Mommy while she was talking on the phone about my exposure. Eldest daughter told me that she agreed with telling Om wife, but not all the friends and family. I told her the reason for exposure but working from behind again. I'm sure my daughter overheard the same crap about how what I did was wrong over and over again in the car.

I still need to get in touch with my wifes sister, who holds the most influence with my WW. But she won't answer the phone for me.

I'm thinking my WW has already talked with her about my exposure.
And almost positive she knows about the affair.

Will keep trying though.

So you going to the club to see when the OM shows up? Or if you wife is there at all?

What about the letter you posted here? Why not send it out en masse and get this over with? Do you see why it is so important to get this done in one day?

Also, did you call the OM's wife to compare notes about tonight? The OM's wife needs to know your wife is talking about leaving to be with her husband.

EXPOSE to all these people:

Nope it sure doesn't, and it's a lame excuse too.

Exposure day is hard, I know. Just dont let the venom that is spewed your way get to you, it is hard, I know. Keep trucking along for your girls, yourself and your marriage.

Guys, I think I'm regretting going full exposure. Some of her family members are shocked but not surprized and others refuse to talk to me. It seems many people agree that my exposure was wrong to do to the Om and people are feeling sorry for HIM!

WW's close GF, who is part of my problem due to her constantly comparing me to GF's ex husband and the way her relationship crumbled, stated that whatever sympathy she had for me was GONE now after what I DID! And has been talking with my WW about what a jerk I am. Good Grief!

I'm thinking I should have stuck with Plan A a lot longer to have had time to show how much better the marriage and our home-life could be before I did the exposure. I feel like I was getting a better response. I dunno.

Even some of the people (friends and family) that are on my side don't think it was such a good idea to expose to the Om's family and friends.

WW is absolute on getting an apartment now and there will not be any chance to get closer to her now in my mind. She states that I will always be about trying to work on the marriage and she doesn't want to talk about that.

I know this is just the internet and I made the decision to do what I did on the exposure. I'm just really feeling sick about all this and feeling a little remorse.

I feel like I have lost the moral high ground now. Also, I'm a little surprized at her family but, the WW makes a good case about how awful I was/am. I'm imperfect as everyone else.

Reading Dr. Harley's advice again from the front page, I'm thinking I made a selfish demand and jumped the gun on the exposure while not implemating plan A enough.

No, you did a great job. If your message had said 'WW is getting a jug of milk at the store', would that have upset them? So it is not you telling the truth that is the problem, but the behavior that you spoke about.

This initial lash out always happens, but dies down quickly, and then the effects will turn on WW. There are 2 reactions to exposure; the people who do something or will say 'I wish I had the guts', the honest and moral people. And then there are the people who are horrified, they are the ones who have something to hide and would have hated that to happen to them.

The more anger from WW, the sooner their affair is killed. Nobody is going to like seeing them together, all of a sudden the fantasy is burst.

And exposing to the OM's family will help you greatly in the end. WH rarely leave their wives, and he is now going to be too busy saving his family and has no time for WW, a big LB. You just keep your calm and be loving. Tell her over and over again you did this to save your marriage, that you actually love her enough to fight for her.

We have seen this type of anger thousands of times on here. The key is reality.

Sure - your WW's toxic friend can spew all kinds of vitriol about you, about the situation, but the bottom line is it WILL NOT make your WW happy.

The key to remember in all of this is the selfishness and selfcenteredness involved. It will destroy all relationships. Your WW is selfish, your WW's toxic friend is selfish, and your WW's family is selfish.

Anyone who doesn't stand up to a marriage isn't anyone you want in your life. Sure they can demonize you, but in the long run they are destroying her.

Don't listen to their words, only view the actions.

Tough

Your regret and sadness are normal thoughts. You love your wife. But, I'd guess you'd feel the same hint of regret if you'd exposed your WW as a crack addict and sought help in a loving way from anyone who has influence to stop her addiction, right? That includes the "dealer" and his family. And, how long would that regret last? See?

The "shock and awe" will subside (it really will), and what you'll find are people that will support you and your WW's marriage, and some that will not.

Try not to worry about that "what people think of YOU" aspect of exposure.


Accept the help of those who offer to influence WW to end the A, period. And, for those that feel sorry for OM? Well...I don't want to get censored by the mods.

Stand tall and proud.

"Even some of the people (friends and family) that are on my side don't think it was such a good idea to expose to the Om's family and friends."

And, they have how many years of experience? Notta. I wouldn't fault them just yet...people are uncomfortable with what they perceive as confrontation and "dirty laundry". Don't worry about this. You'll see who will net out as an friend to marriage and who doesn't.

That probably is of little comfort to you right at this VERY moment, but it will be in the near future. Let this message and reality resonate. Ignore the scoffs and accept the help.

Underdog, stop second guessing yourself! You absolutely did the right thing! Exposure is the most potent weapon against an affair and is the MAIN PART of Plan A. You did not get that idea "off the internet," you got it from Dr Willard Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders. He has specialized in infidelity for 40 years and he says:

here





Thats ok. Most people don't know how to save a marriage from an affair. You can't expect everyone to understand what you are doing. That is an expectation.


If your wife were serious about reconciliation, exposure will not EVER stop her. She wants the apartment because she is angry about exposure.


Remorse for what? You have done nothing wrong. It is wrong to have an affair, it is not wrong to expose an affair. She will use your remorse as a weapon against you.

Please stop allowing others who don't know or care about your marriage to affect you. You did something that has been instrumental in saving hundreds of marriages on this forum over the years. Dr Harley is not some guy on the internet, he is a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in infidelity.

Stop second guessing your self!!!

No, exposure is not a "selfish demand." It is the CORNERSTONE of Plan A. Listen to Dr Harley in these radio clips to other betrayed husbands about exposure.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2815

and http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2850

And, there you go.

This isn't some "random website" blog or chat room for you to bit-h about your spouse or "blog" about your troubles.

This is a plan, based on Harley's principals, to save your marriage, my friend.

Stick to it.

I was going to say (Melodylane beat me to it)
exposure is part of plan A. The stick part.
You are still IN plan A.

Ride out the venom (tantrums from WW and any others who tantrum about it) and continue onward.

If you had not recieved attacks on your action of exposure, it would have been MORE of a concern.

Stand strong and tall and CALM no matter what now.

UD,

I felt the SAME WAY before/during exposure!

Now, we're @ 8 months out, and I can tell you:

*the angrier your WS, the more damage you did to the affair. You will have killed it.
*you burst the fantasy they were living in. The affair looks a whole lot uglier to alot of people now...the light will kill it
*getting OMs family invilved is huge -- there was no one on our side that OM had to explain himself to, but I suppose he had a whole lot of 'splaining to do to his mommy, sisters, coworkers, etc. rwgarding his activitied with a married woman w/ 2 young children...

You done great!

Other people are mad that you exposed your WW and OM because it shows that THEY knew something about the affair and didn't do anything to stop it. It makes THEM look bad.

It's not always easy to do the right thing, but it must be done, always.

Now, do you need any help with Plan A?

Under;

You need to change those conversations -- you shouldn't be talking about what YOU did wrong (or implying agreement that exposure was wrong) you should be talking about how that was your only option to STOP HER AFFAIR.

C'mon, really? Nobody thinks having an affair is a BAD thing?

Stop worrying about what SHE SAYS. Only be concerned about what she DOES. Of course she's going to blather on and foam at the mouth!

She's trying to use anger to diffuse you.

Now, do you need any help with Plan A?

Yes! I do. I'm not sure where the line is to be drawn.

I used to write her poetry letters in our past. This would be a big no in plan A, right?

I cooked dinner last night and was nice and respectful. I brought her her plate and it really bothers her me doing things for her. Is this wrong in plan A.

I just want things to be calming and relaxed, especially in front of the kids, but it hurts a little to see the girls and 'mommy' interact as if nothing has changed and there is no big deal. Don't get me wrong, I want the kids to maintain a healthy relationship with 'mommy' for thier sakes even if my WW and me are having this problem. It's just hard because they know most everything.

She seems intent on getting the apartment she looked at at the end of this month if I do not move out. I cooked dinner last night after comming home from being out a bit to just calm the house. She does seem more relaxed about the exposure now and only complaining about all the calls she is getting. But not another word today.

I did call her today to make sure she remembered to find out about her idea to refi the house in her name and buy me out.

I know I can't pay all the bills by myself when she leaves and I have made a few calls this morning to get some FREE legal advice about what my options are if she leaves because it is looking like she has me by the short hairs. She can leave the house and get an apartment in our area to keep the girls in our district and I'll be trying to pay the mortgage while falling behind on the credit payments in order to keep heat in the house.

It seems in order for absolute divorce I need to have proof of adultry and even then it doesn't seem like a real winner to save me from financial ruin. It seems because the WW has a larger extended family, aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents that live in the area that have been part of the girls lives since the day they were each born WW would have a greater claim on keeping the kids.

I am job searching for a higher income and trying to maintain my current employment.

There is just so much I have to do and so little time at hand that it all seems overwhelming.

Please stop doing this. You are contributing to your own demise. EVERY WS threatens to move out and "get a divorce" when the affair is exposed. RARELY do they follow through. It is a THREAT designed to get you back under her control. By acting like you did something wrong, you have handed her back control of your family.

STOP doing that, UD. GEt control of your self. Stop talking about divorce. Tell her if she wants to file for divorce, she will have to do that herself and you WILL NOT COOPERATE.

Tell her you will not refinance your home to help her fund an apartment. Tell her you will only sell the house if court ordered. And if she files for divorce, TELL HER YOU WILL COUNTERSUE ON GROUNDS OF ADULTERY.

Please stop going along with her fogbabble and take some control of your emotions, my friends. You are allowing your feelings of FEAR to dictate your actions and that is a huge mistake.

So, go tell her you won't be cooperating wiht any divorce schemes and won't be refinancing the house. If she wants to move out, you will take legal action to ensure she continues paying the mortgage. See, a spouse cannot just abandon their family and stop paying the bills.

Take back control and stop operating on fear!! Settle down and stop being so reactionary.

You are doing good.

Sorry ML, we must have been typing at the same time.

If you file on grounds of adultery, they will subpeona their emails and cell phone records in discovery. They can also subpoena the OM's wife, the OM and any other witnesses to give sworn testimony. You likely will never get that far, but you need to be painting a very ugly difficult picture of divorce to her.

By rolling over and playing dead, you are only contributing to your own demise. You are making it easy. You are cooperating with a falling down drunk right now. And her goal is the destruction of your marriage and family. It is up to you to STOP that. If you cooperate with someone whose goal is the destruction of your marriage, you will end up with a destroyed marriage.

UD,

I just caught up on the end of your thread. You�ve exposed, which is good.

Now you have to ride out the storm. She�s going to huff and puff, but you have the most challenging thing to do in this mess at this point, which means that you must act like you�re calm and cool and totally sure of yourself.

That will do more for you than you can possibly imagine.

But you must stop any and all talk that feeds her fantasy of a amicable divorce. That means that if she asks if you�re moving out, you respond, calmly, �I�m not going anywhere and neither are the kids. If you want out, you know where the door is. I�d rather talk about how you�re going to end your affair and work on our marriage.�

Repeat as necessary.

YOU don�t need to be the one to move.

I also saw that you�re making some very common, but mistaken assumptions about custody and dads. She doesn�t have anymore of an advantage than you do. You will both need to work if there is a D. You will both need daycare services. You will both be approached in terms of what is in the best interests of the kids.

If she moves out, I�d file first for abandonment and sole physical and legal custody. I�d go into a dark plan b.

Many men here were afraid. Many men here thought they couldn�t win custody. Many men have won custody and saved their marriages.

Your job at this point is to stand your ground and be the lighthouse. Don�t feed her fantasy of D. If she talks D, let her know that it won�t be pleasant or easy. Let her know that you won�t be friends.

You won�t. Any thought that you might be is a big fantasy and it�s one that is fed by both betrayed and waywards when they waiver on fighting for the marriage or not.

Fighting for your marriage is the only option for you. Don�t lay down.

UD,

My W attacked me after exposure...said I didn't show much 'care' for her by making the affair public, threatened divorce, she'd get the house, I'd pay through my a--...all the usual fogbabble.

I stated I'd do whatever I felt necessary to fight for my marriage, our family, and that we would NOT be friends after, and that I'd counter file on grounds of adultery, which would include subpeonas for OM and his family, etc, phone bills, cards, other 'evidence', etc. of the affair.

I do believe that was that last time (Sat., March 12th?)my W ever mentioned divorce.

Now we're in recovery.

[color:#000099]I�ll try. Thanks ML[/color]

She does not know what she wants because she is fogged out. She is high on the fumes of an affair. You HAVE TO STOP LISTENING TO HER AND TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY. IT is like taking seriously the rantings of a falling down drunk. As a falling down drunk, I was "very serious" that I wanted to kill my husband. Until I sobered up.

See what I mean? Your wife is HIGH. So stop paying attention to her. You need to pay attention to your own agenda, not hers.


But if she re-fi's, won't that give her the money for the apartment?


That sounds like an AWESOME IDEA! It will force her to make payments and protect you and your kids financially. I think that is a great idea. And she will also know you are serious.

PLEASE GO DO THIS!!

Please stop second guessing yourself, my friend. You are doing a great job. The only problem is that you allow others to whisper bullcrap in your ear which makes you question yourself. Please stop. Those of us who are posting to you are not just "people on the internet." We are people jsut like you who have SAVED OUR MARRIAGES USING THESE PRINCIPLES. The people whispering in your ears have never saved a marriage and many are actively enabling your wife. Dr Harley is a leading clinical psychologist and published author. He is not just some guy on the internet.

I thought the idea was trying to stop divorce. Now it's an awesome idea for me to file?

ML, forgive me if I don't understand. Reading the other posts it seemed that:

'It is up to ME to STOP that. If you cooperate with someone whose goal is the destruction of your marriage, you will end up with a destroyed marriage.'

????

What this would do is protect you financially while you buy some time. You don't want to end up divorced, but if she is going to stop paying her share of bills, you want to take steps to prevent that. You have an obligation to protect yourself and your kids. You could get a temporary financial and custody agreement in place and then DRAG it out. Chances are you could outlast the affair and then DROP the divorce. See what I mean? The goal is not to end up divorced, but to protect yourself financially.

Her goal is to destroy your marriage. But yours IS NOT. Yours is to protect yourself and drag this out on YOUR TERMS.

OK I see now. I deleted that part of my post due to FEAR!

Thanks ML, and thank you to the others that posted that I have not responded to yet. You know I read every post and am really grateful for the help, comments and advice.

UD, you are doing just great, friend! I know how hard this is for you. Your greatest enemy right now is your FEAR and self doubt. Stick with it and you will be fine!

Do you think you can file for divorce as the paralegal suggested? Can you make that happen? That would take so much pressure off you.

She is getting apartment tomorrow now. Something seems off. Watching her with the kids last night, with the clossness, doesn't make me feel like I could make that happen, ML. I spent a lot of time reading about the laws in my state and my burden of proof and what judges really look for which makes me think this is why the other advice I received in consultation did not suggest that route.

This is just crazy since she knows I can't pay for everything. I gather that in her mind this will force the house to be sold and is a win-win for her even if it could risk our biggest asset.

[quote=UnderDog_99I did call her today to make sure she remembered to find out about her idea to refi the house in her name and buy me out.

[/quote]

Why send a message pushing her to end marriage when trying to save it?
You can't educate a WW.
And, WW knows the house will default. She is justy choosing to ignore the fact.

As melody pointed out time to lawyer up and tie up her money to pay the joint bills.

The person that files first has certain advantages as well. They get to go first presenting their case and judges are people too and first impressions are sometimes swaying and the party that goes first gets to appear on the offensive side of the ball versus going second and appearing "defensive". The judge may not even listen to the party that goes second. Judges rule by gut-feel more than people think. They decide early on which way they want to rule and look for facts to support their decision within the law as the matters proceed from there.

Plus...sometimes...in some States...the person that files first gets more opportunities to delay the case and drag it out. Judges and courts are more lenient to extending cases upon the motions of the person who started the case versus the person who was sued and appears to only be avoiding prosecution (so to speak).


Finally...like ML said. If she doesn't counter-sue...you can completely drop/dismiss the case before it finalizes and make her restart the entire case from the beginning. It's expensive to do this...but it's an option.

Mr. Wondering

I know it sucks to lawyer up, but it�s really the only way you can force her to meet her financial obligations both as a wife and a parent.

I would also get an order that the children are to stay in the marital home.

Time to call her bluff.

She is FORCING you into this action.

Dr Harley and Joyce address anger over exposure in this radio clip, go to 4:40: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3358

Melody - what day is that clip from?

It was from Yesterday, Nov 7th.

SPeaking with WW last night she metioned she is qualified for apartment. She brought home more boxes in her car. We talked a little about the refi on the house. I know I should not have asked about that before, but was trying to slow down the apartment process. She stated that she would be willing to sign over the house to me if I could refi the house because that would make me happy. I wanted to tell her what would make me happy, like her wanting to work with me on the marriage, but that is part of the reason she stated one of us has to leave. SO I didn�t.

Am I sick for wanting to send her flowers and tell what would make me happy when all she does is state she doesn�t want that? Even if I can refi I will not qualify for a few more weeks until I can get more income proof. Even then I do not see how it is to my advantage other than reducing the monthly payment.

After talking with a retired State�s attorney briefly, my prospects of getting what I wanted didn�t sound so good and basically sounded like I just might as well move out of the house. Needless to say, I didn�t �lawyer up� today. Also, WW says she wants joint custody and to make this all as painless as possible using her example of how easy her BGF�s divorce was. I�m not sure if I want to mess that up even though I don�t want any of this.

I can�t afford a lawyer at all right now or in the foreseeable future, so there are only certain days I can get advice from the family law office and I didn�t go today due to pressing matters at work. She seems to be nicer to me, but that is because everything is working her way I think. She is looking forward to living on her own.

Last night the wife asked me to pick up a pizza even though I wanted to get ahead on some work so I could maybe go today to another job interview and seek the advice or file. I got the pizza and did the dishes from the previous night. Didn�t talk any more of the issue with the WW last night because I�m just so drained.

I didn�t have the will to act today after the conversation with the retired state attorney.

Anymore plan A advice?

UD, most attorneys will advise you to roll over and play dead. If you do that, you are dead. They are always looking for the easiest, softest way and if you just roll over, that makes it real easy for all. On the other hand, we have lots of husbands here who didn't roll over. They filed on grounds of adultery and told their attorneys to go after custody and possession of the house.

Many attorneys will actually defend you even though you might be a man and don't choose to be a doormat. And they will take their payment out of your divorce settlement. That is the route I would take.

And no, I wouldn't send her flowers. That makes it seem like you don't mind her abusive behavior very much.

I would explain to her that she has to continue paying the mortgage even if she doesn't live there. A spouse just can't stop paying the bills.

Get a lawyer. Force her to get a lawyer. File first. You are going to accumulate some debt. Sorry, but that's the truth.

In her brain, she thinks this will all go swimmingly. You and she will be great neighbors and friends, co-parenting happily ever after. Assure her that it will not be that way. Everyone will know she destroyed her family by having an affair.

Are all of the family bills in your name? How can she afford an apartment? If she moves out and refuses to continue to help financially, can you sue for abandonment?

DO NOT, under any circumstances move out yourself. You and the kids stay in the marital home.

Is there anyone else you can expose to? Did you call OM's parents?