OK I see now. I deleted that part of my post due to FEAR!

Thanks ML, and thank you to the others that posted that I have not responded to yet. You know I read every post and am really grateful for the help, comments and advice.

UD, you are doing just great, friend! I know how hard this is for you. Your greatest enemy right now is your FEAR and self doubt. Stick with it and you will be fine!

Do you think you can file for divorce as the paralegal suggested? Can you make that happen? That would take so much pressure off you.

She is getting apartment tomorrow now. Something seems off. Watching her with the kids last night, with the clossness, doesn't make me feel like I could make that happen, ML. I spent a lot of time reading about the laws in my state and my burden of proof and what judges really look for which makes me think this is why the other advice I received in consultation did not suggest that route.

This is just crazy since she knows I can't pay for everything. I gather that in her mind this will force the house to be sold and is a win-win for her even if it could risk our biggest asset.

[quote=UnderDog_99I did call her today to make sure she remembered to find out about her idea to refi the house in her name and buy me out.

[/quote]

Why send a message pushing her to end marriage when trying to save it?
You can't educate a WW.
And, WW knows the house will default. She is justy choosing to ignore the fact.

As melody pointed out time to lawyer up and tie up her money to pay the joint bills.

The person that files first has certain advantages as well. They get to go first presenting their case and judges are people too and first impressions are sometimes swaying and the party that goes first gets to appear on the offensive side of the ball versus going second and appearing "defensive". The judge may not even listen to the party that goes second. Judges rule by gut-feel more than people think. They decide early on which way they want to rule and look for facts to support their decision within the law as the matters proceed from there.

Plus...sometimes...in some States...the person that files first gets more opportunities to delay the case and drag it out. Judges and courts are more lenient to extending cases upon the motions of the person who started the case versus the person who was sued and appears to only be avoiding prosecution (so to speak).


Finally...like ML said. If she doesn't counter-sue...you can completely drop/dismiss the case before it finalizes and make her restart the entire case from the beginning. It's expensive to do this...but it's an option.

Mr. Wondering

I know it sucks to lawyer up, but it�s really the only way you can force her to meet her financial obligations both as a wife and a parent.

I would also get an order that the children are to stay in the marital home.

Time to call her bluff.

She is FORCING you into this action.

Dr Harley and Joyce address anger over exposure in this radio clip, go to 4:40: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3358

Melody - what day is that clip from?

It was from Yesterday, Nov 7th.

SPeaking with WW last night she metioned she is qualified for apartment. She brought home more boxes in her car. We talked a little about the refi on the house. I know I should not have asked about that before, but was trying to slow down the apartment process. She stated that she would be willing to sign over the house to me if I could refi the house because that would make me happy. I wanted to tell her what would make me happy, like her wanting to work with me on the marriage, but that is part of the reason she stated one of us has to leave. SO I didn�t.

Am I sick for wanting to send her flowers and tell what would make me happy when all she does is state she doesn�t want that? Even if I can refi I will not qualify for a few more weeks until I can get more income proof. Even then I do not see how it is to my advantage other than reducing the monthly payment.

After talking with a retired State�s attorney briefly, my prospects of getting what I wanted didn�t sound so good and basically sounded like I just might as well move out of the house. Needless to say, I didn�t �lawyer up� today. Also, WW says she wants joint custody and to make this all as painless as possible using her example of how easy her BGF�s divorce was. I�m not sure if I want to mess that up even though I don�t want any of this.

I can�t afford a lawyer at all right now or in the foreseeable future, so there are only certain days I can get advice from the family law office and I didn�t go today due to pressing matters at work. She seems to be nicer to me, but that is because everything is working her way I think. She is looking forward to living on her own.

Last night the wife asked me to pick up a pizza even though I wanted to get ahead on some work so I could maybe go today to another job interview and seek the advice or file. I got the pizza and did the dishes from the previous night. Didn�t talk any more of the issue with the WW last night because I�m just so drained.

I didn�t have the will to act today after the conversation with the retired state attorney.

Anymore plan A advice?

UD, most attorneys will advise you to roll over and play dead. If you do that, you are dead. They are always looking for the easiest, softest way and if you just roll over, that makes it real easy for all. On the other hand, we have lots of husbands here who didn't roll over. They filed on grounds of adultery and told their attorneys to go after custody and possession of the house.

Many attorneys will actually defend you even though you might be a man and don't choose to be a doormat. And they will take their payment out of your divorce settlement. That is the route I would take.

And no, I wouldn't send her flowers. That makes it seem like you don't mind her abusive behavior very much.

I would explain to her that she has to continue paying the mortgage even if she doesn't live there. A spouse just can't stop paying the bills.

Get a lawyer. Force her to get a lawyer. File first. You are going to accumulate some debt. Sorry, but that's the truth.

In her brain, she thinks this will all go swimmingly. You and she will be great neighbors and friends, co-parenting happily ever after. Assure her that it will not be that way. Everyone will know she destroyed her family by having an affair.

Are all of the family bills in your name? How can she afford an apartment? If she moves out and refuses to continue to help financially, can you sue for abandonment?

DO NOT, under any circumstances move out yourself. You and the kids stay in the marital home.

Is there anyone else you can expose to? Did you call OM's parents?