Feeling down in the dumps today. Little EN met, little POJA occurring..... She seems to have retreated to solitude and depression. I feel trapped, by the love I have and know is there and her emotional state and lack of efforts.

4 months tomorrow, that could also be a trigger. The calendar is not a friend of mine......

Not giving up.....marathon is not over.

God Bless.

Tex, be strong pal. She may also be triggered by the calendar.

CV

4 months since DDay..... Not a great day. Stayed busy and kept company around so I wouldn't be alone. We are going out tonight, if she feels up to it.....

I keep asking, how has it been 4 months..... Then why hasn't this gone away, it's been 4 months! Crazy talk I know.

She is still foggy, her meds seem to have slowed her down and mellowed her to the point she is tired all the time. I have my down moments, but never down to the point of leaving. Trying to stay positive in Plan A. Looking forward to seeing the light at the end of this tunnel.

God Bless for the support.

You're doing a good job Tex. You're on a rough road.

CV

Was a keylogger ever installed on the home computer/s?

TTS, I couldn't sleep early this morning so I skimmed through your thread and wrote that quick question about the keylogger but some more thoughts...


It sounds very much like there is/has been some form of contact. Especially since there was a short period of time when she seemed like she was coming around and then very suddenly went back into being distant. That is a huge RED FLAG that should not be ignored..

With a foggy WW, you MUST have your i's dotted and t's crossed in terms of the monitoring to be sure. I hope you will answer the question about the keylogger and also let us know what type of phone your W has and whether you have some sort of spyware on that as well.

What do you mean that OM's image is removed from facebook? That means you blocked him? Please be aware that it takes two seconds to remove those blocks and that would keep your W stuck. FB is a terrible terrible idea for a foggy WW who used FB to connect with the OM to begin with.

Lastly, it is concerning that you never heard back from the OMW. Can you tell us what your FB letter to her said? Did you tell her that you had evidence of the A that you could provide?

Susie,

A key logger was not installed on our laptop. I keep it and she has to ask to use it. It is password protected, so she does not use the laptop much.

She has an iPhone, huge mistake I know. I track every call and text she makes and receives. Since OM lives far away, the area code is easy to spot. All outside area codes are questioned. I have tagged her sister, mother, and a few girl friends, anything other than that get a long look if not a call from me. She know this.

Her Bi-Polar has had some effect as well, she has changed meds twice in 4 months.

As far as OM and OMW,
They have gone silent. His # has changed ( I called it ), and OMW hasn't posted on FB in more than a month. I have blocked them both from FB on wife's account. If wife unblocks, it takes 24 hrs to re-block, and I would find that. I believe there has been no contact, she knows the penalty for such an action.

My main issue is her work on my EN. She starts, then withdraws. Says she doesn't know why she lost her love for me. Says she is happy with our marriage, just doesn't want SF or any physical touch. Loves to talk, be alone, take trips, ect.... Just no physical touching. Even used the words "my personal space" when I tried to give her a kiss. I can't get past her unwillingness to work with me and her willingness to have SF with OM......I'm not unattractive, not over weight, not unkept..... She just feels no attraction towards me. 4 months past DDay is not long, but time seems so slow. I fear my will to stay will waiver if we don't start meeting my needs. Even while she was deep into the EA and then the PA, she met my needs. Now that the PA is over, she has not.

Fog and meds seem to be my biggest obstacles. OM is gone.

Not having a keylogger is a mistake.

Not having spyware on her iPhone is a mistake.

That's why we typically advise these measures for the WS who conducted their affairs mostly online.

Just looking at his info through the internet will keep setting her back. She may also have a secret email account, would be very very easy for her to maintain through the iPhone.

I think you are not being very smart by not taking these fairly easy measures to ensure that there is not any further contact happening especially given that you have said yourself she is still very foggy...

I asked what you wrote to OMW and if you offered her evidence. Did you?

You realize that many times the OM will "spin" the story to the OMW (my high school FB friend's H is crazy jealous and has accused us of having an A even though she lives 300 miles away!) especially if your W told the OM that you knew of the A and you did not expose right away.

I am guessing if you didn't hear back from OMW that this is what happened. This is important because you need her watching OM from her end to ensure NC.

Yes get some spyware installed on the phone also.

Either way you mentioned she is willing to have SF with OM and not with you. If I got that right, its not medication oriented lack of interest with you then.

Does she know you are going to watch her and understand that? Is she willing for you to do that to protect yourself?

Who does she blame for her affair? Is it still you?

You should lock down this site also from her because unless she is willing to participate she is just gonna go for control again.

She created this situation and you are a Bigboy and can have your own friends.

OM could have a cell number in your area code. Either a contracted one or a prepaid....yk.

Just a quick history...

OMW found out about the EA last Nov., she call my WW and gave her the what fors..... OM and my WW knew the call was coming and had a story worked out. They convinced OMW not to tell me and that the contact would end.

When I found out, I pretended to be my WW while texting OM to verify details my wife had told me. In the end, I told him it was me, I knew his #'s and his wife's #. I didn't.... But he was scared sh*% less. He tucked tail and ran. I then went to find his wife. Found her on FB. Wrote her to tell her she had been lied to by both, and that the EA had become a PA. Told her to let me know if she knew of any contact from then on. We communicated via FB for a couple of weeks, but she has been silent for some time. She removed OM pic from her FB, that is what my WW would look at. She had no pics of her own, I have been threw her phone. She uses the same iTunes account, so no where to hid them there. I sorted pics by date on laptop, nothing.

My guess is OM and OMW have gone silent and are working on their marriage. The last thing I sent her was a link to this site. My hope was she come here for help.

We are several hundred miles away, he would have a difficult time getting a phone with this area code, but I will watch. She has slowed down dramatically on her calls and text.

It is a lack of attraction for me that keeps her from meeting my SF needs. She "blames" my inattention to her needs as the cause. But then says, I love you and want to stay married, always have. Says they never spoke of leaving marriages and living together. He confirmed that in my text. She is just a mess......screwed up from all the effects of what she thinks she wants. I stay believing we can be a better couple. I cling to that....through all the pain.

God Bless. Thanks for the post. Sorry this one is so long.

Hey Tex no worries on the length of your posts, this is your thread.

Ok so you know by now it was the trickle truth that kept her mixed up right?

Entertaining the idea that there can be more than two in you marriage leaves her confused, and in the area of a renter, when she should be a buyer. Yeah still foggy and fooled into believing everything is OK.

I just want to warn you not to let up on this for her own good. Yes she made a choice to cheat, and yes it destroyed something. But you are in the place of willing to put it back together, and it is your choice also.

I know you are stepping gingerly around all of this, and I know that IC is also, but how much will you allow and bury inside also? There is only so much that you should take on, until it becomes dangerous for your self esteem and respect too.

This is about owning up to our mistakes, and taking responsibilty for them, not about finding "reasons" why we were fooled. Once we see we were, isn't that enough to look inside ourselves and deny ourselves those excuses and hold ourselves lucky to have realised our foolishness?

What does she believe when she is alone?

CP and CV,

You have both stirred my interest in how to address the issue of future contact.

I need some advice on possibly rewriting our EP's. I think I read on someone's thread a line addressing future contact. I want to put in there, that any future contact made by WW, will result in her leaving the house and family....No negotiations!!! Any contact by OM, must be reported immediately.

My fear, if OMW kicks him to the curb, he will attempt to contact my WW.

Right now, it just says.... No contact with OM or OMW ever.

Any suggestions or copy of a EP would be helpful.

I still believe there has been no contact and she is just slow to release and move to meet my EN. I've read SAA and HNHN, going to buy LB to read this weekend. She hasn't read, did scan through SAA. She says she was confused about why she feel in love with OM, when he was so far away. Hasn't read much since. Doesn't like to read as a general rule.

She still is flying by her own rules it sounds like

The rules of her feelings, the justifications of her freedom and thinking the grass is greener over there

Around here we call it foggy, because feelings do not help us think well

She is not interested in the books because they go against her fantasy life she sees as freedom of expression and what she deserves for all her sacrifice

Yet she has lost the understanding that she is not alone in this, you are just as much invested

There is a scripture that talks about someone who does not have control of thier spirit is like a city with no walls

What is offered here is a way to understand our spirit, not to live by our feelingsl. This is part of growing up, and as soon as she is ready to do so, you can help her separate her "wild thing" from the grounding knowledge, that some feelings are dangerous to herself and others.

Is it fair? Depends on whether you love others as much as yourself, and the truth more than the lies that we belive when we think we are supposed to have it all according to our emotions

I would get some spyware on the phone and I am not sure where you are in your transparency with her but maybe it's time that you take possession of this marrige and stand up for it. Tell her that you want protection also

CP,

Believe me, she is foggy. A foggy, depressed, bi-polar, love sick fool.... Who can't decide if she deserves the marriage, kids and security or if she is so F'd up that she deserves to be kicked to the curb the way her mother was..... I see the struggle, I see her go in and out of happiness.....I live the horror of thinking she will just give up.

I need protection, my children deserve protection.....and I will give them that.

What I need to know if inside my EP's can I put the precautions and the consequences? Or does that come off looking like a threat?

CP, MB, CV or Pepper.....

In a short conversation at lunch she says "I feel like things are getting better and you don't... Why is that?"

I replied.... BC I'm meeting your EN and you are not meeting mine.

We then compared mental notes.... She believed most of what she has been doing is meeting my needs. I told her those were her needs, not mine. She knows my needs...... Is this foggy behavior or just laziness?

Still looking for clarification on EP's as well.

Still communicating calmly.

Calling all Vets.....

Need advice on past two post.

I am sorry, I forget(I am too young for memory problems aren't I?), where are you? Are you in Plan A? Recovery?