SS????? I don't get it. You need to know what they are saying. Why isn't she forwarding you the emails??

SS, it is extremely frustrating to see 2 married people doing absolutely nothing to bust up an ongoing affair, other than sitting around regaling themselves with the contents of their emails. This affair cannot be busted up like this. It is going to take a much more proactive approach.

Here you have evidence of an ongoing affair and what are you doing? You and the OMW are doing.......absolutely nothing. You can't save a marriage if you enable the affair.

You need the contents of those emails. You need to know their plan so you can make your plan.

I have exposed to my parents, my sister, WW parents, WW close cousin, 4 of WW close friends, 3 of my close friends and co-workers, & OMW. OMW has exposed to her family, OM mother and sister.

I have asked OMW to forward any emails she has to me.

WW is using her own money for this. She has savings.

Good man!!

SS, is the OMW a timid woman? It doesn't sound like she has done much at all to bust up the affair. What is your impression?

SS,

Now that exposure has occured, it's time for a plan to kill this affair. Have you gotten an support from her family or friends?

Have you exposed to her co-workers or her HR department? How much savings does she have? Protect all other money, she may need more and you should not provide.

You may want to look at Plan B...... I will let the Vets respond to that.

Plan B appears to be the next step.

That means darkness. But you basically have to ask her to leave.

Dr. H would probably encourage you to hang in there and Plan A for as long as you can stand it.

That's very likely. He is probably waffling because he doesn't want to commit to either woman - he wants them both. He likes it just like it is. That's why it's so critical to expose this to the harsh light of reality.

Thank her for her kind offer to translate, but just ask her to forward them. It appears that rehashing what is in them is consuming a lot of time.

The A is dead. I am going to obviously monitor things to ensure there is no relapse but talking with WW over the last few days, she is genuinely done with dealing with the waffling and craziness that the OM is exhibiting. She has told him it is over between them and he is on his own from here on. She recognized finally that he did not have his stuff together to make any kind of serious go at things. He wasn't going to go all in and leave his life, career, family, etc. for WW. I have confirmed this with OMW and they sound like they are back working on their stuff on their end.

My problem now is that WW is real pissed at our situation. I made some major withdrawals last week with the exposures and the snooping. She does not feel secure living in the house now and wants to leave ASAP. She intends on moving out and has told me she still does not see any future together with me. She told me last night that she will be looking to start dating (some one else) and wanted to know if I was going to continue to stalk her every move. You see my problem. This A appears to be dead but WW still has no feelings for me. I am afraid I did too much damage killing the A and wonder if we will be able to get to a point where we could even discuss our future together. I know I don't want some crazy open relationship with her but I don't know if I can go through killing another A. She asked me last night if I wanted to start legal papers and I let her know it was too early for that.

SS, what is happening here is that the affair is not dead. She is moving out to pursue her affair. And using your exposure as justification and a way to blame you. You already know they were in touch over the weekend.

It is not exposure that caused the damage, but her affair. If your wife was serious about recovering your marriage, exposure would not stop her. But she is not serious.

Just let her know that you won't cooperate with any divorce schemes and you certainly will not go along with any continued adultery [ie: "dating"]

Just be nice, keep snooping, keep exposing and don't let her abuse you.

Did you get the emails from the OMW?

OMW was unable to come up with any emails. I don't know how she was viewing the messages but the account that OM and WW were going back and forth on has been closed.

I will continue to monitor things the best I can. I am skeptical that the A is done but everything I have seen and heard says that it is. Whether this lasts and doesn't start up again is another issue.

I am going to keep pushing the plan A full bore in the mean time.

Have to agree with Mel. The affair is still on or dormant.

Either that or she is having a fit because it is truly over and she has nowhere to run now.

But I suspect that it's simply dormant.

Don't let her use your exposure as a weapon. If she starts harping on it, say, "Stop right there. Your affair brought all of this on. I only brought it to light and I don't regret it one bit. You are the one that has betrayed this family and betrayed me. You are the one that needs to get her crap together. I don't want to hear anything else about my exposure of your affair. It's done and it was a result of YOUR actions, not mine. Now, want to discuss how we can fix our marriage?"

Show her you have a pair and aren't afraid of her. Her huffing and puffing is an attempt to control you because you cower at her anger.

She's angry and perhaps you'll need to tiptoe a few days as she settles down but slowly and eventually you've got to start having conversations....real honest conversations with her whereupon you:

1. Meet her need for conversation
2. Start planting seeds
3. LISTEN

Although the affair is over (if it's really over...keep snooping and realize they often have "closure contact")...until she's done with withdrawal and in a place where she can really decide to commit or not to a recovery program I'd say...PLAN A continues.

I think you are already aware and have already been coached to discuss with her what the best outcome to this situation would be for your family....that you and she commit to a recovery plan and rebuild a loving committed marriage of extraordinary care that both she and the kids will be proud of.

As you pressure her gently towards committing to TRY a recovery plan I think some talking points would be:

1. I am not going to file for divorce and if you do I will fight you until the end at which point I'll be completely done with you. You will also be seeking primary custody with supervised visitation for her. OM will have to testify as well as embarrassing discovery of all family members about their behavior and role in the destruction of the family. *note- I'd hesitate to give up too much legal strategy and certainly insure she's not tape recording you.

2. If she would just commit to TRYING, really TRYING a recovery program for one year, where just you and her work on your marriage and try to rebuild it and she has NO CONTACT with OM or any other men, THEN you promise that if it fails you'll be OK with an amicable cheap quickie divorce.

Basically...scenario #1 and #2 will take the same amount of time because in your state (whatever state that is...this is just a conversation) an unwilling participant in a divorce proceeding can drag out the divorce process for up to two years. Scenario #1 also will cost a TON more money than #2. Thus...she's got nothing to lose by just giving the family a shot...which, once again...IS the best outcome for everyone...including the children, isn't it?

Hopefully you'll wear her down and eventually get the recently former wayward battle cry..."FINE...I'm trapped and completely stuck with you...I'll try but just know that I will NEVER love you entirely...I'm just staying for the children". Don't sweat it. They all say that. Recovery has to start somewhere so why not rock bottom. Trust that the program will build the recovery so what she says TODAY is irrelevant. Just stay calm and secure in yourself with the knowledge that despite what she thinks about you...YOU know you are her best chance/shot at happiness and you're being a really awesome husband and father even standing there giving her a shot at recovery in spite of what she's done and is saying. Be confident (quietly to yourself) that she'll one day appreciate all you did to fight for her and if she's not...she's not worth continuing to be married to anyway and divorce would become a welcome respite.

It's a noble fight for marriage and family you are undertaking. Many men before you have shrunk in it's wake. One way or another YOU will make it....however, she really only has one way to make it and that's through you. She's lucky to have you...for now.

Mr. Wondering

SS, I assure you the affair is not over. Do you have a keylogger on her computer? What about spyware on her phone?

SS,

He wasn't going to go all in and leave his life, career, family, etc. for WW. I have confirmed this with OMW and they sound like they are back working on their stuff on their end.

Stress this over and over, give WW the exact quotes if you have them, if need be interview OM and get a recording. Betrayers hate getting betrayed like conmen hate getting conned.

God Bless
Gamma

This is waaaay too tidy. They've gone underground.

Thanks for the guidance Mr. W. Your post helps.

Here is my update on things.

I have been continuing to Plan A as best as WW lets me. She is still in NC with OM for now at least. My issues right now are as follows. I made some serious LB during the exposure period. WW really resents the fact that I went and talked to other people during the exposure. She feels like it was none of their business and that they had no reason to know. I told her that I felt that it was the necessary thing to do to end the affair and that I would not appologize for doing that. I was respectful in what I said, it was not a smear campaign. Since exposure a number of the people I had talked to have spoken up to WW which I was relieved. WW took this exposure as a way for me to drive a wedge between her and her friends/relatives that did care enough to speak up. I don't know if I can take credit for the A ending but either way, it appears to be over for the present time. I also had a major LB when I searched WW car prior to her leaving for the weekend. WW is still harping on that one. Is there a way that I can rebuild trust with WW? That seems to be our number one issue right now.

WW has found an apartment and is planning on moving out in the middle of December. This news knocked me on my rear. In the back of my mind I thought it would happen eventually, I guess that I thought since the A was over, there might be some lifting of the fog. Is there ever a situation where seperation between couples is a good thing? Could this provide a way out of the fog for WW? She would be on her own without my support and without the kids everyday. I asked WW if she planned on inviting up the OM once she was settled into her new place and she said no, not any time soon. To me, she is kind of leaving the door open for him which bothers me. The last time they spoke, she told OM that she did not want to hear from him ever again unless he was able to sort his life out. That sounds to me like she isn't totally over him. I asked WW if she planned on dating other people when after she moved out. She said yes eventually. I quickly followed that up with asking her if we could date. She said yes but not in the first few weeks. She says she needs to establish her new self in the apartment. She told me right now that she can't stand to be around me and dating me right now would not happen. I did get her to agree that the best thing for our family and for us would be for the two of us to live in a happy, loving, marriage. She says that she doesn't see how that could happen and that she doesn't think she can be the wife I need. I told her that she was doing a wonderful job up until about February/March (when she first took up with OM and mentally divorced me). I have repeated to her that I know we can be better, more in love than we were at our best. I have a plan. This isn't based on some wish I made after I threw a penny into a fountain. I told her that I got married not knowing how to be a good husband. I know now.

Right now, I am continuing plan A but am thinking about when to implement plan B. I am thinking about seeing how things go once she moves out and then re-evaluating.

Hi shortsleeves, thanks for the update. The reason she is planning on leaving is because the affair is still on. They might have backed off a little for now to throw off suspicions but there is a plan there to continue the affair.


The reason she is angry is because she is still in the fog. The reason she is still in the fog is because of her affair. So of course she doesn't like the fact that others know. That is because she wants to keep her affair secret.

Don't argue with her about it and stop trying to reason with a falling down drunk. It is a waste of time. Once her affair ends and the fog rolls off, she won't be resentful. If that ever happens.


It is not.


That is not a lovebuster. She is only angry because she has something to hide. The fact that she is angry about this should raise your distrust level about 1000%. People who have nothing to hide, don't hide.

So tell her that her anger about this causes you to trust her LESS, not more. If she wants to earn your trust, this is not the way to do it.

Let her know that she can trust you to watch her like a hawk and if that means searching her car that is what you will do. You have a RIGHT to know every damn thing she does as she is your wife. As such, everything she does affects you.

Smile when you say it.

She is trying to gaslight you and scare you into stopping your snooping.

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