What you don't believe the stage of the moon or the day your born, totally predict what and who you are? Come on we all know those colorfull houses with the neon signs, that house the peculiar fortune tellers, are how real people win the lottery!

Indie, I am sure if I believed in all of this, in another life you were my conscience.

I have been reading WH's horoscope. I do not believe in them. But since the separation I have been reading it obsessively.

It does trigger me. You are right. I read recently that there was likely to be a pregnancy soon, and I plunged into dispair. Despite not believing this stuff, it is like my last chance at having any insight or influence on his life. Hmmm.

And I am guiltier then you, as I knew it was triggering me but did it anyway.

Masochist.

Thanks for calling me out.

Yes its funny isnt it? I did justify it to myself on the quiet, I think by telling myself it 'wasnt real'. Well my thoughts are real, so out it goes. It takes time though to sort through the habits and reflexes you've built up for years. Even sleeping on the left hand side of the bed. It drives me crazy because I am making room for him! Nuts. But its a habit I havent managed to break yet.

Oh well, if I have anything its time. And I am not sure yet how to break the horoscope habit. I will stumble on them in every magazine. I will try just reading my own the first time, and if my eyes get dragged to his, then next time I wont be allowed to read the page at all, and if THAT doesnt work, no more magazines.

Had the craziest dream last night. It started with a 'dream within a dream' I dreamt I was on the verge between sleep and awake, dreaming that softlad was in the bed with me, with his arms around me. I slowly woke (in the dream) to realise that he WAS in bed with me, and that he wasnt supposed to be. I was furious and woke him up, I dragged him out of the bed, demanding to know how he had gotten into MY house. It felt very real. I kicked him out and he was in the street in just his pants. He was a bit angry, but a bit taken aback and without argument, like he hadnt expected any fight from me on his being home.

When I really did wake up I was a bit bemused. What did it mean? Is it my assessment of what I think he wants? His needs from me, but taken back by force instead of earned back. Or is it wish fulfilment on my part? It would be tremendous fun to kick him out in his underpants in the middle of the night.

I came to the conclusion it was just a weird dream. End of.

A friend in work said something lovely to me the other day. She said I was more 'me' than I had ever been. She said she thought I had become the sort of person I was always meant to be and that I now had this real spark.

It was great, because sometimes I get paranoid over being classed as some sort of divorce stereotype - bitter etc. But apparently not...

Indie, you are doing everything beautifully. And look at how you made others think about what they had been doing in their own Plan B's. Now THAT is some yodaing. GREAT JOB.

I think your dream was your mind kicking Softlad outta it.

I remember having dreams like that too. I remember getting mad at myself in my dream because I allowed my WH to come home without all of the requirements being met. It made me realize how strongly I wanted to stick to my guns.

When Scotty was new in her Plan B, she had a "Loony Jar" .... She made loonie deposits when she obsessed about WH.

A Loony is a Canadian dollar coin.

A "loonie" is also a crazed person.

She financed some family fun time with her boys using her loonies.

Al least that way, her obsessive WH thoughts had some value. A monetary value ! LOL

I LOVE this. I sleep and my mind fights on!



Yeah I love the loony jar!

I am away for a while pals, my last night at home for some nights. Staying at parents tomorrow and Sunday morning Mum and I fly to Egypt!

I am so looking forward to it!

Have a safe and MARVELOUS trip. And don't worry, we will keep these posters on their best behaviour while you are gone(did you see what they did to MY thread when I went camping?) HEHEHEHE

So I had a great trip. Got home last night. On the way home I thought to myself that my heart was healing remarkably rapily. That I almost dont want softlad to wake up,as he would then stand between me and a whole new world.

So this news greets me in an email from my solicitor today. apparently softlad has now got representation. They state he believes he has grounds to cross-petition on the basis of MY behaviour (I wonder if that was typed with a straight face, or if it is a standard letter?)

However they will allow me to proceed on the grounds of His behaviour if limit my claim for legal costs against him so we pay the same amount

(as the petitioner, I have alreay paid to file the divorce, but my solicitor sent a letter telling him that as he refuses to end his affair, he should pay me back all the money as I was effectively forced to do that)

My solicitor recommends that we accept because keeping things on an undefended basis keeps the costs lower.


It is all pretty much as expected and I am not one bit surprised. So why do I feel completely and utterly kicked in the teeth yet again?

This actually really really hurts. A surprising amount. Plan Bers coming up on the rear should expect a dip in the ride.

It DOES hurt.
You happily-ish truck along in B and then are reminded of the horrors of the betrayel here and there and it always gets you when you are at even keel and whoops your spirit to sorrow again.

Better than being in the drama continualy.

Plan B is the best place given the possibilities though you are a human experiencing the situation anyway.

yk?

I am glad that you had a great trip.

In the end, with the legal stuff, what is going to cost you the least in the end and if you still want to stall the D, which one would help you get there.

Softlad is trying to cover his own butt.

Ride out this low knowing that you will get even again. I often think that because you are healing when these hits happen, it actually helps you through a bit.

Glad to have you back.

((indie))

This is often the case once legal representatives are brought into the picture. And although this is deeply personal to you it is not for the "representative" who sees it as just another case. This is what they do for a living and their reputation is based on favourable outcomes for their clients. Therefore, they try every argument they can think of to get something to fly in their favor.

I'm sure if this representative knew you personally they would drop softlad like a hot potato.

One more battle in the war. Keep fighting. You are doing great !!

{{{{indie}}}}




Prepare yourself for a small roller coaster.


I just had a D settlement hearing.....received everything I wanted, my WW rolled completely over.......I fully expected a battle....


Still I left feeling kicked in the gut.


Expect an attempt to cake eat when it nears the end.......

My WW pulled it.....


Let the lawyers do the dirty work......it's why they are there.





Hang in there and make sure to treat yourself.

I had to go to the dentists just now or I would have left a fuller description of my trip.

It's important that I do, because I have so often slammed others' poor boundaries on here. However while I was away, my own were tested and in places I dropped them entirely.

The second night in Egypt involved lots of wine. It was a very quiet resort, which is what I was after, but I was bored. When we joined a group at the pool bar that night I scanned the group for single men to be wary of and it was all middle aged couples, so I felt it was quite safe to relax and I chattered away nonsense and drank a bit more than I would usually.

Of course I forgot about the blinking staff, didnt I? My mum said the next day I had been flirty with them and vice versa. At first I objected. I said the staff had been nice, but that's their job, but she insisted and she is always right. Plus I am flirty in a way that I would describe as a reflex. It has happened in the past where I am not aware of it if im not being watchful of myself. Plus this trait of mine has been kept in the box so long, that I had forgotten that I did this.

Actually scratch all of that excuse making - it is nice to have men hanging on your every word. While not thinking about the consequences.

Well I spent the rest of the week trying to undo this mistake. I think I would have got away with it with European men, but Egyptian men are quite aggressive, particularly when they know you're going home next week. One of the guys, was a true die hard and I was well punished for my behaviour by his creeping me out on a daily basis. However another one was worse in that he was very funny and nice about being turned down. Which turned him into a temptation. Could hardly believe it.



It was VERY annoying to realise NG was right. Temptation does lurk round corners. However by the time I realised the wisdom of his words, the damage had been done. I had displayed poor boundaries and turned an Egyptian waiter into a temptation. So the only thing I could then do was rely on my Art of War and

... 'Appear Strong when Weak'

All I had was my poker face and I couldnt betray any temptation on my expression. I feel I did pretty well. But from now on I hope to do better.

In generaly, Indie, I think you are being very hard on yourself, but ...


This actually struck me as very wayward-ish. My FWH said his affair "just happened," and he's a fun guy to be around. Probably a lot like you.

Actions can be reflexive, but ultimately we can control ourselves, right?

OK, you're already hard enough on yourself without me piling on ... plus, I just "reflexively" ate a Twix candy bar. And I could have controlled that!

Hugs,
SP

I know, sweetpea. It is very much an excuse, isnt it?

I think I like admiration so much that I choose to make it a reflex. I have swift, practiced movements when it comes to flirting. So practiced they are second nature and I hardly have to think about them.

All I have to do in reality though is think about NOT doing them

Apparently it wasnt anything I said, mum said it was my movements and expressions that were flirty. Which is cringe-worthy. However I must have noticed the reactions, they must have driven me on.

I must be aware of this tendency more and clamp down on it.

Wine seems to be the more obvious 'trigger' for flirting, trying to work out what others I can ban.

I am glad that you are realizing the poor boundaries you have in yourself. It's something that you can work on. Taking a look at how you act is good for later.

Interestung that your mom pointed it out. Did you apologize to your mom? Did you ask her if your actions harmed her in any way? She'd probably say it didn't but for her to actually bring it up to you, it must have been obvious.

Yes I also shudder to think where I would be without this site.



She said it didnt harm her, but that she didnt want me to be so careless in future. She said failing to count the staff as risks was just plan stupid. She was absolutely right. She also felt I failed to take into account cultural differences. She was dead on there too.

My mother has a very gentle technique when it comes to advice giving, in which she allows people to make mistakes so far. If I had gone beyond what she would have allowed, she said she would have told me that we were leaving.

I told her the next day that there was little I could now do. A u-turn would have little effect. It's text book isnt it? Flirt then run away. Its like baiting the hook and tugging on the line.

She smirked and said 'I know'. She had let me be careless and then showed me how difficult it can be to clear up the mess when you are careless.

I would be happy to have a quarter of her wisdom one day.

She sounds like a WONDERFUL woman. I can't wait to meet her someday.

Indie, I thinks its great that your mom could point out your flirty behavior in a gentle way. I try to do this with my wife, but she gets defensive and says she is not flirty but just friendly. Can you be more specific on what your mom considered "flirty"? I'd like to do a reality check and compare your behavior with my wife's. Maybe I'm over reacting. If not, maybe seeing what you say will help her understand my concerns. Thanks.