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Sorry...logged in as "DNU1" instead of "Lawfulgood"
D-Papers served May 8th, 2009
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Glad to have read this thread! I think the stats go against my marriage being recoverable, but I at least need to try. I need to know I did everything I knew how to do and that my kids know it as well. And I think you are right - WORST case scenario is I emerge a stronger person through it all. That is a downside risk I am willing to take! Thanks for your posts!!!
BS-me 42yrs
WH-him 50yrs
OW 31yrs and single
married 18yrs
together 21yrs
DD15
DS12
D-Day#1 6/14/2009 DD15 discovered A
WH moves out 6/14/2009
WH asks to reconcile 6/21/2009
WH asks for D 7/18/2009
WH asks to reconcile 9/14/2009
WH sees therapist 9/2009
No active recovery right now
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Glad to have read this thread! I think the stats go against my marriage being recoverable, but I at least need to try. I need to know I did everything I knew how to do and that my kids know it as well. And I think you are right - WORST case scenario is I emerge a stronger person through it all. That is a downside risk I am willing to take! Thanks for your posts!!! Thing you have to really ponder, I mean REALLY think long and hard about is just how long and to what extent you are willing to try and recover your marriage(?). I still get peeps on this forum hinting that i should give my STBxWW another chance. I appreciate the optimism, but for me, in my case, I had simply had enough and could no longer remain married to her. Bottom line is this: You get to make decisions about your life and I get to make decisions about mine. I wake up every morning and look at my own reflection in the mirror...And I'm damn proud of the man I have become.
3-DDays, 4-OMs*, Plan-D May 9, 2009, final Dec 2010 (FREEDOM!)
Custody of DDs / new job(s) / "I'm alive...and well"
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I still get peeps on this forum hinting that i should give my STBxWW another chance. I appreciate the optimism, but for me, in my case, I had simply had enough and could no longer remain married to her. A few years ago, my brother's brother-in-law awoke Easter morning to the sounds of his daughter yelling loudly at her newly found easter basket. They asked her what she was doing and she said "giving a shout out to my peeps". Anyway, Derrah...read up on the Plans and read up on boundaries (vs. manipulation/control). Once you get into your plan A, try to set an end date and get an idea of the circumstances which will predicate your Plan B. Plan D, if that is to be the end result will then become a natural rational decision you'll get to...in due time. I, too, thought my situation in 2005 was pretty hopeless. "Odds" are pretty tough to figure this early as some of the most savable seeming situations that have arrived here didn't make it and the most outlandish ones have. There's almost always hope but hope alone won't save it...which is why you implement "a plan". Mr. Wondering
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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Great thread. Very timely for me.
Linus
Me: BH 60 - Married 21 years
ExW had an EA beginning 09/09 (Facebook)
After a few false recoveries, I filed for D 05/11
D final 03/12
'Be Mindful of Your Many Blessings and Endeavor Daily to be Worthy of Them'
Jay Severin
'Life is a gift and it offers each of us the privilege, the opportunity and the responsibility to give something back by becoming something more'
Tony Robbins
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In my years here I can't recall a BS that came here, that had steadfastly applied and implemented the plans only to end up divorced whom REGRETTED trying and using MB.
Mr. Wondering No regrets here. I only wish I knew two years ago what I know now. If I could go back, the exposure would be so much more nuclear. TE
BH(Me)=40
WXW=38
ILYBNILWY: 8/09
DDAY: 8/31/09
Two boys: 8,7
Divorced 3/23/2011
Don't let your eyes refuse to see. Don't let your ears refuse to hear. Or you ain't never gonna shake this sense of sadness. --Ray Lamontagne
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Thanks for the bump Pepperband.
As a BS Sometimes coaching and dealing with the A's (one was admitted and the 2nd one with OM #2 has still not been), sure makes it feel like Marriage at All Costs for me. But then I am a weakling.
Still, every couple of weeks I see some small change that gives me hope. In my case, it is still worth at All Costs. But it is far from a landslide vote.
Me BS 57
She WW 50
Hers 18, 23
Mine 23, 28, 30
Ours DS 12
D-Day 1 - April 26 2009
D-Dapy 2 (OM #2) - October 15 2009
WW admitted OM #1 on Feb 1, 2010 (our anniversary) - He died!
Exposed February 22, 2010
WW won't admit OM #2 still despite lots of evidence. Hopefully its over.
Me: Reforming Verbal Abuser (and I always will be).
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You're gonna have to learn how to make all of your decisions with each other in mind.
You're gonna have to learn how to avoid being the cause of each other's unhappiness.
And you're gonna have to learn how to meet each other's emotional needs.
Which is a lot harder than "moving on", or "getting closure", or watching the WS get run over by "the karma bus".
If a BS is too lazy to learn the above marriage skills, the "karma bus" just might roll over you in your future relationships.This is going to sound silly.....but I recently learned EXACTLY THAT!! I have made a lot of mistakes in this Marriage. But I DO NOT want to make the same mistakes AGAIN. Thanks!!
BH(Me)= 55 WW(Her)=43 DD=24 (My step-daughter, been raising her since the age of 8, SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!!) Married=13 yrs Together=16.5 yrs THIS IS MY STORYWW moved out of the home = May 1,2011 D-Day=July 4, 2011 Dear Wife: I'm COMPLETELY CRAZY about you!..... as of Aug-2012 forget that last part....Good Luck to you and GOODBYE!!"Mourn the woman she was. Know the woman she is."
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BUMPING hat tip to Barnboy for transcribing this from Dr Harleys' video. While I'm saddened that you see no hope for your marriage after this betrayal and lying about it, I sincerely empathize. In fact, Dr. Harley does, too. Here's what he has to say from the last few minutes of his free Infidelity Video : When I first started doing this, I could not imagine anybody getting over it. Now, there are a lot of people that have told me that they haven't gotten over it. Thirty years has gone by, and they haven't gotten over it. But they haven't gone through the procedure I recommend, either.
The people that have gone through this procedure that I recommend HAVE gotten over it. And to me it's the most amazing thing that you can go through the worst experience of your life -- somebody hurting you in the worst way possible -- and, two years later, you love the guy, you trust the guy, you forgive the guy, you never wanna lose the guy.
To me, that's amazing.
It's what love is all about. It's what male-female relationships are all about. And when you do things the right way, you can restore a relationship even when a professional like me looks at it and thinks it's hopeless.
I got a procedure that works even when I think it's hopeless!
Even when I don't think... "I think you oughtta' leave the guy! What a jerk!"
"No, I don't really wanna leave the guy. Tell me what I can do to save the marriage."
"Well, OK, I'll give you some help."
So, you know, this is what I do. I do this for a living. I help people solve problems where I'm not always convinced that they oughtta' be solved.
But I know how to solve 'em. This is the way... this is the way do it.
If a person says "I don't want to save my marriage", I'd say "I agree! You have no argument with me! Your spouse did something that, from my perspective, is the most disgraceful thing imaginable. If you wanna leave him for that, you have my blessings."
But people have come to me and said "I want you to help me save my marriage."
"OK, I can do that, too. This is how to do it."
But it's a very narrow road, and I don't know of another way that can be accomplished. I don't know of another way. You can never see or talk to the [affair partner]* again, you're gonna go through a period of withdrawal that's, that's, that's a little bit ugly, and then you're gonna have to learn how to achieve these three goals in your marriage:
You're gonna have to learn how to make all of your decisions with each other in mind.
You're gonna have to learn how to avoid being the cause of each other's unhappiness.
And you're gonna have to learn how to meet each other's emotional needs.
*Dr. Harley says 'spouse' here in the video, but it's obvious he means the affair partner, who most often is married him or herself
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