I distrust this greatly. Have you checked for an affair phone?

I do too. There is clearly something very wrong with a man putting his marriage at such risk for coffee....

You know you are right. Start trusting your instincts.

Have you tried a keylogger on your home computer? GPS on his phone? If you are right about them conducting things entirely at work, maybe cut to the chase and get a PI?

Have you tried a VAR in the home? Maybe take yourself out for the day and see if he calls her from home?

This is a good idea. Hide it near the land line. ALSO - consider hiding one in the bedroom, or wherever he dresses in the morning. You may pick something up if he's the type to talk to himself when no one is around. Can you arrange to be out of the house before he has to leave for work for a few mornings?

Ditto.

*chuckle*

Gail, I remember saying the same thing on my thread about why my FWW's phone was so void of contact with her co-worker OM. Then mb asked if I had looked for an affair phone and, well, I found one.

Look for a phone.

Have you checked his credit report lately? If he does have a second phone, I was just wondering how he would pay for it.

Could he have a work cell phone? You might call his main office when you know he's not there and ask to speak to him. When told he's not there, ask for his work cell number because you've got to ask him something real quick about the kids.

If told he doesn't have one, then it's "Oh, sorry, I could have sworn he had gotten a work phone!" Playing the helpless female may be required, unfortunately.

And I wasn't happy when you confirmed it. But it worked out for you, and it can for Gail.

Gail, honey, no news is not necessarily good news. Get snooping.

Yep.

Like others have posted, just changing the names in Gail's story would fit just about all of us.

I've searched his car on numerous occasions (for receipts or any type of clue) and have come up with nothing. I've also gone through bank and credit card statements to look for odd purchases, and besides the lunches and coffees there has been nothing. I take care of our finances, my husband doesn't even have the login for his personal credit card. I log in and make the payments for him.

When I was complaining about his frequent coffee visits and that he was spending $100 a month on starbucks he suggested an allowance and to just pull it out in cash. I told him that was ludicrous and that he didn't need an "allowance" but rather to just cut back. I bought a Keurig this week so he has no excuse to go out for coffee all the time (because he's in a hurry he always says). It really is about the money as well as the fact I suspect they grab each other coffee or go together. I thought his asking for cash was odd though. He knows I go through our finances with a fine tooth comb. Part of job is auditing and reconciling accounts for the company I work for, so it comes as second nature to me.

He ran to go and grab food for us and I just had a look at his work email. He left it up when he went out. Absolutely no emails between the two of them that aren't work related.

Either he's realllllllly good, or I'm nuts.

You're both missing the big point, gail. I don't mean to shout, but: YOU DON'T LIKE THIS 'FRIENDSHIP'. That alone means he NEEDS TO END IT.

She's probably just buying for him and they're silent because they know you're watching.

We, too, have a Keurig machine. I'm hosed if they ever determine that caffeine is bad for you!

Agreed, and I have told him this when he was arguing with me whether or not the friendship was appropriate. I told him bottom line it makes me uncomfortable and it needs to end.

I would say offering to bring her in a coffee is something that a friend would do. He says it's something coworkers do for each other all of the time. In any case, I did tell him that I'm not comfortable with him doing this either. He thought because they weren't going out for coffee everything was fine (I know he's playing dumb here) and found another loop hole. I also think because months have gone by without this being a issue for us that he eased back into more friendly since I wasn't over his shoulder watching.

He has said he won't be picking up any coffee for her in the future. So far, it doesn't look like he has.

Also, still nothing on the mobile device tracker other than one work related text.

I don't think so because for a while now he's been going to coffee shops every day of the week. I can tell from the bank charges so he's definitely buying his own coffee. Well, was buying his own. This past week he's been making it at home and bringing it with him.

looking for loopholes =

He's OK with doing things that make you unhappy.

What say you?

gaillajn,
Any updates? Is there another thread?

Hey everyone, sorry to bump this thread after so many months. I have another dilemma, and I think this one is bigger than before..

First an update: OW left her job back in December for another job. She's contacted my husband only once since she left (I still kept the spyware on his phone) and apologized for being so open with him and said she learned her lesson, wished him good luck (he was promoted) and they've never spoke again. Ironically, my husbands boss knows about the situation, and disliked the OW. She was impressed my husband kept his distance and handled things professionally.

We've had discussions about what happened a few times, my husband says he was out of line and being stupid. He's found out a lot more about OW since his promotion and she was very disliked by her peers. He is pretty certain now she was coming on to him, and says he's an "idiot" for not noticing. He thought she was just being nice and they got along, or so he says.

Anyway, this is not my issue now, or maybe it stems from this.. I don't know.

I am fairly certain I have fallen out of love with my husband. He irritates me, badly. I am not all that attracted to him anymore either. I am pretty sure it's the years of BS he's put me through, including this last stint.

Honestly, I think the straw that broke the camels back has been that he sits around the house, doesn't want to do anything and frankly is boring. When he was with this OW he was bringing me flowers, animated, wanted more to do things. Now he is just a couch potato, and I prefer to do things without him.

I fantasize about packing up and leaving with the kids. I don't know where I'd go though. I fantasize about handing him divorce papers and screaming "SEE WHAT YOU PUSHED ME TO" -- but he wouldn't think it was his fault.

I've tried a hundred ways lately to tell him I am bored. Bored to the core of my being. He does nothing. He's not romantic, I'm pretty sure he's back to porn all the time although he says it's my fault because I don't initiate enough even though I did twice last week. I waited for him to reciprocate and nothing, well.. once he did and got mad at me that I wasn't touching him back and stopped and got angry.

He plays video games, watches TV and that's all he does. I've told him I can't live like this and we need to go on dates, do exciting things together. I had a cousin die back in February, and another cousin with brain cancer at the moment and a friend from HS who has terminal stomach cancer. Life is SHORT.. I keep telling him this.

He's just not getting it. He changes nothing.

Sorry to see you're not happy.

Can you tell us what you're exactly saying to him?

Have you read this? When To Call it Quits Part 1

I have told him that I can't live the way we've been living anymore, staying home all of the time, not going on dates, not taking the kids out on weekends.

He will tell me to plan something.. and when I suggest things to do he usually has a pained look on his face. He is often irritable when we do go and do things.

I have left out something big in this equation, because it is embarrassing and I am afraid of any legal implications. I just don't care anymore. My husband prefers to stay home and get stoned over everything else.

I did tell him about three weeks ago when I found out he was on his way to pick it up that I'd had it, and that I couldn't deal with it anymore. I told him it has made him lazy, boring, unmotivated and not to mention it's illegal and I worry about that too.

He told me he wasn't going to do it anymore, but he has.

He disgusts me much of the time. When I was younger I actually used to party and used drugs, many worse than pot. But this was a very long time ago, before I had kids, when I was in HS and college. When I met my husband he was in the Navy and had never tried much of anything, he was actually against the idea of smoking pot or doing any drugs other than drinking alcohol. He has changed so much in the time I've known him I hardly recognize him anymore.

I have gone over the logistics of leaving him many times. I'm still not sure how to make it work without it being painful for everyone. I imagine at some point my disgust for him will grow to the point I won't care.

He is still wayward ... I suggest separating and getting into Plan B as soon as possible.

Make sure you Plan B letter states exactly how you want to save the marriage and what EP's will need to be in place.

Your health is suffering and you love is gone because he never lifted a finger to heal you.

Plus he needs to recover from drug addiction first before any marriage can be saved.

What do you mean by this? The wayward part that is..

Listen to this radio clip.
Radio clip on smoking marijuana

Tell me what you think.