This is what you should do too, TTS. Just make it a boundary she get rid of facebook. Even if you have a shared fb account, she can still look up anyone on facebook and be triggered every time she does it. And people can still PM her. FB is a big fat nothing and is not worth the risk. Just ask her to delete it.

Thanks everyone.

I have all PW. I will revise and let you know how it goes.

Everyone,

It did not go well. Turned into an agruement. She felt I was pressuring her or blackmailing her.... "Your way or else" is what she said a few times.

Turned into a rehash of how we got here and why her FBFF is no friend of the family. I showed her my text from her. It didn't seem to phase her. Told her that her OM had changed his # and is not calling her. She said she still wonders if he did call if she would go to him. She still thinks of him. I knew she would, but her fog is thick still.

I don't know if I can do this much longer. She said she will not read, won't join this forum. She only wants to discuss progress with MC. I am going to give MC an ear full our next session. My EP's are not out of line for our recovery.....and she better back me on that.

I am going to see an attorney next week, I need to start planning for Plan B. I am 4.5 months into Plan A, no one has left house. But I can't stay, or sleep next to someone who says my touch is unwanted and has been for a very long time. Told me that hasn't changed.

She even told me if we divorce she would win custody of kids.....says our state gives kids to moms almost every time.

I don't know what to do, I feel like nothing is helping and I am loseing hope.

Tex, I seriously think there is some sort of contact going on. I don't know how... Maybe through a friend? Man, I hope I'm wrong. My heart's with you. Whatever you do, don't leave. Make her leave and file for custody first if you pursue plan B.

Be strong.

CV

CV,

Even in the heat of the discussion, she swears there is no contact.

I will ask her to leave.... But should I file for custody first?

I feel like walking out tonight......logic is the only thing keeping me here.

Get this....family pictures tomorrow.....the whole family, aunts, cousins...that's gonna be fun....Not.

Hang in there Tex,

Me? I'd set her down and ask her "do you really want family pictures tomorrow? Do you think that in the current state, there is a family to be photographed?"

Use it as a POJA for her. tell her you are NOT enthusiastic with it being done because you don't have assurances or progress telling you your family is being recovered.

**IF** you ask her to leave (you may find more strength to stay in the morning), I would file first. See what a lawyer thinks though. Not sure what the laws are in your state.

Remember though, no LB's or ao's as hard as it is.

cv

CV,

LB's are almost impossible to avoid with her right now.....she is fighting like a cornered animal....I feel so little love right now, I'm angry, sad and disappointed....she doesn't seem to get it!! Still foggy, still "in love" with OM.

What is ao's..... Angry Outburst??

It feels like week one all over.

I would tell her to leave today. File tomorrow. What's the story with the family pictures? The family is aware of what she's been up to, yes? This is very good timing. They're not going to be happy to hear that she's screwing up her marital recovery because she would rather talk to her FB friends than save her marriage. Can you talk to them and ask for their help? Maybe they can talk to her.

They're also not going to be happy the you, she & the kids aren't in that family photo, so they'll be on this pronto in order to help smooth things out before the photo session.

ITA,, Tex. Yes Ao=angry outburst. Seems you need to do a little something more to shake that fog of hers.

CV

It is a fog of the PA, and the absence of attraction for me. Yesterday when we were discussing our EN, she says "I don't know how to have SF", I lost my temper and said sure you do....you had it with him bc you wanted to, it not the SF you don't like, it's me! She said nothing. Silence was my conformation.

EP #2 delt with FBFF.... At one point I said it's either her or me, you decide. Long pause...... She said that's not fair. I said "It shouldn't be a tough decision, I would pick you over anyone you could list"... I believe she doesn't want to be married to me, and doesn't want to work on our marriage.

OM and WW did talk of leaving families ( most do I know, but she had said they did not ), but that they would wait until youngest graduated. That's 11 years..... I asked, "Did you think you could hide this for 11 years, were you going to just lead me along. That isn't just cruel, that's Evil." She kept saying "I don't know what to say, or what to do...".

I slept in another room last night, got up early and left. I'm just driving around, crying at the possibility she is a cruel and selfish person, I don't know that I want to be married to. Her depression / bi-polar and all the meds makes me even more sad for her.

Needed to Vent!! Sorry for the ramblings and length. I am lost!!

Is there a way you can do a SPECTACULAR Plan A until 1 January? That is six weeks. It has to be without any LOVEBUSTERS I mean any. Bite your tongue, walk away, come curse, vent, rant here on your thread.

Get your Lawyer to set it up and have her severed on 2 January if during this time she doesn't come around. You give her the Plan B letter on the same day.

2 January is six months from d-day. You have her removed from the house, and go super dark in Plan B.

I encourage you to go into a Plan A that will wow her unbelievably, and the ony way is to make sure you have no Lovebusters. Show her what she will really miss in you.

She does love you -- she is clouded by the fog. She had a strong contrast effect with you and the OM. That means she only sees all good in him, and all bad in you.

She didn't have reality with him to know all his faults. Your history with her is what is working against you. That is why you have to show only your Plan A side.

Her anger is good. It means she cares. Deep inside of her is her love for you. You spent 18 years together for a reason. There is love there, and you have to show her how your new marriage will work.

Keep your boundaries up - no FBFF is a must. Plan A her like a rock star, and in the meantime work with your attorney to get your separation set-up.

I know she loves me. She says she loves me. She says she would love to stay married as long as I don't have request to meet my SF and AS needs. I believe I'm an above average man, I'm very kind, easy to talk to, smart, funny, and willing to try exciting things. She says she "was" happy with me as a dad and provider. She just doesn't want to be my lover.

I am in Plan A now, I've been avoiding LB's ( until last night ). My plan all along was to make it through the holidays. I am just wondering now if I have the foritude to make it that long.

After last night, the movies in my head started again, the fears of him came back, and the thoughts of just ending our marriage are strong. During my drive around, thoughts of death crept in ( I am not suicidal ), but those thoughts did pass through. Depression today is going to be a battle. I don't hide sadness well, I'm normally the jovial person in the crowd. Children will see it and become sad, they fear a breakup. I am lost!!!

What is her top EN? Double dose it and up your UA time to 25 hours. Also, perfect time to start UA time with Christmas shopping.

Take her around to different jewelry stores and start looking for her gift. Work with her to plan out what to get the children. Wow her here! Make this the best Christmas on the planEt. OM WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO CAPTURE THESE MOMENTS WITH HER EVER. THEY ARE NOT HIS KIDS AND THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN IF SHE MARRIES HIM.

Set-up Thanksgiving weekend to get the family tree and decorate. Sit down as a family and make a bunch of ornaments. With family pictures and kids crafts. Your ten and six year old would love to do that. Make some hot cocoa. Use picutes when you were first married as your ornaments.

Don't even think about her fog, just pull her through it. Be the light for her to head towards.

Show her what your life will be like without her. Show her how she will miss this family time between Thanksgiving and Christmas every year.

Hiding my anger is not my strong point. She will yell, she will try to provoke me.....

I am so mad now, that I left house to cool down. Her texting me has only raised my anger again.

Her OM is a lying, 2 time cheating SOB, he used her for his own pleasure and ego and dropped her as soon as I knew. He is so far underground WW couldn't contact him if she tried. She is mad at him, but still feels more for him than me....

I don't know if I need a day away b4 starting Plan A again. I feel like I got Kicked in the Gut again last night, and this time instead of being the nice guy, I want to FIGHT. I am soooooo loooossssttttt. Is there a pause button I can push?

Stop this ride, I want to get off. This hill has made me sick.

Long drop.....

Things that fall must come up???? I have nowhere else to go but up.

ITL,
I pray I have the strength to do those things. Right now I am a beaten fighter, down on the mat. I appreciate your encouragement to "Get Up".

The go read on recovery the other BH's, Mikestillstanding, doormat_no_more, helpfordad, etc.

Read what they did and how they overcame when they were in the same position as you are currently.

ITL,

Thanks again. I need to get up, release my anger on some inanimate object and start anew.

I've read those threads, each offer hope. But it's like telling someone with cancer there is a 70% success rate. They hear 30% fail rate, failure means death.

I'm pessimistic today.

Man go to the sporting goods store and buy a punching bag if you don't have one. Beat the heck outta that thing. I used my old USMC seabag and beat my knuckles bloody (which I don't recommend doing with a broken hand like I did). I moved up to a punching bag a few weeks later. I tell ya, it was a miracle worker for me.

It's ok to take some time and cool down. I thought many many times that i could use a day away. Go stay with family or a friend overnight. Never did, but i wonder if giving myself a day to cool would have helped me avoid some major no no's.

CV

TexasTwoStep,

I hear your pain and frustration. we have all been in your shoes and know how tough some of the days are to get through.......
Just take those days minute by minute, day by day you will feel better. I know it seems impossible right now........
I think you have to remember your wife is going through withdrawal right now from the OM, fogged out, she can't think rationally you have to keep that in mind.......
You have to be the strong one and carry your family.........just stick to fighting for what is right, your marriage, your family.......
just keep saying, I love you and I will do whatever it takes to save the marriage....over and over again, as your wife de-fogs, she will see what the affair really was for her and what she has done to her own family.
In the meantime stick to being the best husband you can be, look good, smell good, just be mr. wonderful......she will see it eventually...........
Your wayward wife is not saying anything out of the ordinary, she is following the script........
Make sure you check for contact.......and wait her out........
I used to get into my car and just scream going down the highway, I am sure I must have look like a nut case but it relieved some stress and tension and I felt much better afterwards.........
My husband had an affair, it took him 4 months to stop contact with his OW, he was moving out and changed his mind last minute.........because he worked in the same place it took another 4 months of watching him go to work before the OW found new employment so I was in Plan A for a long time............I know it's hard, I just kept it in my mind that what my husband and the OW underestimated was "ME" I found the strength to fight for my family and my marriage........I learned a lot about myself..........this forum helped, my friends helped and staying busy helped...................and yelling in the car...........hehe!!
hugs......jessi