It has always been your right to check, It wasn't mystically granted to you by her decision to cheat.

Once you are in love with each other, and living a fully integrated lifestyle, it doesn't feel like snooping any more. You're just fully accessible to each other, fully open, you are part of every aspect of her life including phone and email, and she is fully part of every aspect of your life including phone and email.

Then it's not a big deal. It's just the two of you staying close and intimate with each other.

No, it doesn't make sense.

First of all, transparency and openness is part of a normal healthy marriage. It's what normal couples do in a normal healthy marriage. "Hey, where are you going today?" "Let me tell you ..."

Second of all, trust is an emotion. You can't force yourself to feel it. You have to create the right psychological environment to bring it about. The way to do that is with evidence: trust (the emotion) is built over time when repeated evidence adds up to trust being a reasonable conclusion for your emotions. And how can you do that if you aren't looking at the evidence?

The reason the Marriage Builders plan calls for all of this sharing and openness is so that you can create the emotion of trust.

I used to be like this too. However read Dr H 'trust - but verify' article. It makes a lot of sense.

Your lives should be completely open to each other, no locked doors. You see each other naked - but you cant see her email? does that make sense?

Trusting but verifying doesnt mean you are constantly scowling, on the hunt for bad stuff. Not at all. You jsut take an interest in all areas of your spouses life.

You 'trust' that shes a good person but you 'verify' she hasnt made mistakes. Everyone does, after all. About all sorts of things, not just infidelity - it can be money, sickness, a weird little secret, a harmful friend, a pyramid scheme!

You arent trusting but verifying at the moment, youre actively snooping because your spouse is secretive, but the former is where you want to be.

Dont go back to not being able to see fully into one anothers lives, ever. Its lazy for one thing. You say - "your behaviour is your job and not my concern" You are not there to catch them when they fall. Plus her life affects your life no matter what she does. Its your right.

I agree with this.

Just want to clarify that you must snoop right now! When you have your marriage back you can focus on reuilding the trust then