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Joined: Apr 2005
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It has always been your right to check, It wasn't mystically granted to you by her decision to cheat.  Once you are in love with each other, and living a fully integrated lifestyle, it doesn't feel like snooping any more. You're just fully accessible to each other, fully open, you are part of every aspect of her life including phone and email, and she is fully part of every aspect of your life including phone and email. Then it's not a big deal. It's just the two of you staying close and intimate with each other.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner. ~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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Thanks, CWMI. Nothing from the intel. And yes...I am ashamed to check. I don't really buy into the it's my "right" to check, forever more. We failed because of other issues, causing the trust issue. Trust issues weren't the cause of failure. IF we can address what caused the failure....and address for ever more....I should/would feel no need to not trust her. I know, I know...this site is chock FULL of "I told you so's" on this issue. But, if I can't have trust (once/if we get back to a healthy relationship), I can't imagine committing to it. Does that make sense? No, it doesn't make sense. First of all, transparency and openness is part of a normal healthy marriage. It's what normal couples do in a normal healthy marriage. "Hey, where are you going today?" "Let me tell you ..." Second of all, trust is an emotion. You can't force yourself to feel it. You have to create the right psychological environment to bring it about. The way to do that is with evidence: trust (the emotion) is built over time when repeated evidence adds up to trust being a reasonable conclusion for your emotions. And how can you do that if you aren't looking at the evidence? The reason the Marriage Builders plan calls for all of this sharing and openness is so that you can create the emotion of trust.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: Jun 2011
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[quote=CWMI] I don't really buy into the it's my "right" to check, forever more. We failed because of other issues, causing the trust issue. Trust issues weren't the cause of failure. IF we can address what caused the failure....and address for ever more....I should/would feel no need to not trust her. . I used to be like this too. However read Dr H 'trust - but verify' article. It makes a lot of sense. Your lives should be completely open to each other, no locked doors. You see each other naked - but you cant see her email? does that make sense? Trusting but verifying doesnt mean you are constantly scowling, on the hunt for bad stuff. Not at all. You jsut take an interest in all areas of your spouses life. You 'trust' that shes a good person but you 'verify' she hasnt made mistakes. Everyone does, after all. About all sorts of things, not just infidelity - it can be money, sickness, a weird little secret, a harmful friend, a pyramid scheme! You arent trusting but verifying at the moment, youre actively snooping because your spouse is secretive, but the former is where you want to be. Dont go back to not being able to see fully into one anothers lives, ever. Its lazy for one thing. You say - "your behaviour is your job and not my concern" You are not there to catch them when they fall. Plus her life affects your life no matter what she does. Its your right.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Joined: Nov 2011
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You arent trusting but verifying at the moment, youre actively snooping because your spouse is secretive, but the former is where you want to be. I agree with this.
Me: 48 DW: 37 Married 12 years DD1: 8 DD2: 6
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Just want to clarify that you must snoop right now! When you have your marriage back you can focus on reuilding the trust then
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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