Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 18 of 35 1 2 16 17 18 19 20 34 35
Schlag #2563754 11/14/11 01:36 PM
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 581
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 581
Seriously.... glad you found out you had affairs because of a medical problem... MrRollieEyes

Bet that makes it all better. puke


Me -BS 40
Him - FWH 34 (dtl)
3 D-Days from 12/25/10 to 01/06/11
NC - 01/09/11
02/20/12 done beating my head on that wall.
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
I always wonder
which came first
the chicken or the egg.

Are you scattered and foggy from ADD
or
do you have ADD from having to keep secrets, trying to live seperate secret lives and keep them straight, thus scattering your thoughts?







Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 199
S
Schlag Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 199
Luvs,

I'm not blaming my actions on the ADD... it's part of the reason for issues we've had, not an excuse for my behavior. I had choices and made the wrong choices. But understanding myself and getting healthy will demonstrate to Amy that I'm serious about being the man I always should have been for her.

Reading,

You don't get ADD from being busy or distracted. ADD is a physiological brain dysfunction from birth. It's real and it's not a joke.

Schlag #2563783 11/14/11 02:33 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
rotflmao


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Schlag #2563789 11/14/11 02:44 PM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 199
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 199


So...Does EVERYONE with ADD behave in the manner in which you did?


BS(me)
FWH
M '91
DS x 3



Dont let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers of this world, rather than from Christ.

Col. 2:8 (NLT)
Schlag #2563808 11/14/11 03:16 PM
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 550
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 550
Quote:
I can see that most of our marital problems have come from my ADD


ANYTHING goes... What's next? Bad diet?


Me, FWW: 43
Mr_Recon6mo, FWH: 44
DD20 and DS23
3 cats
Married 23 years, together 24
Divorcing

Schlag #2563816 11/14/11 03:24 PM
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I am not by any means an expert on ADD, but I know a contradiction when I see one...

Originally Posted By: Schlag
I can see that most of our marital problems have come from my ADD.


Originally Posted By: Schlag

I'm not blaming my actions on the ADD...


I do know people with ADD are more likely to have relationship problems, but that's like saying thieves are more likely to be poor. They dont have a gun to their heads forcing them into a life of crime, they choose it, as you chose your actions.

No hint of blaming the affair on ADD, ok? Get treatment, but focus your marriage efforts upon your ACTIONS and taking responsibility.

Anyway, back to work..


Originally Posted By: Schlag
FYI Amy went home for a week to her mom's with our two youngest. I'm enjoying time with our two oldest. I'm using a plotwatcher time lapse video camera to record myself from when the kids go to bed to when I leave for work so Amy can see that I'm behaving myself. smile


I like the video camera idea, but why are you two apart? I will let those more experienced in recovery chime in, but it takes a lot of time together from what I have seen.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Schlag #2563820 11/14/11 03:29 PM
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,495
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,495
Originally Posted By: Schlag
Luvs,

I'm not blaming my actions on the ADD... it's part of the reason for issues we've had, not an excuse for my behavior. I had choices and made the wrong choices.

You are correct. My wife was diagnosed as clinically depressed but her decision to cheat was solely hers. No fault of the depression.

But understanding myself and getting healthy will demonstrate to Amy that I'm serious about being the man I always should have been for her.


Fixing the add may help in other areas, like concentration, jumping from subject to subject. It helps peripheral things, but not the root problem.

Reading,

You don't get ADD from being busy or distracted. ADD is a physiological brain dysfunction from birth. It's real and it's not a joke.

Agreed. So... Now to your diagnosis... Hypersexuality Hypersexuality is extremely frequent or suddenly increased sexual urges or sexual activity. All that means is you have surges in your sex drive. These can be controlled through self discipline. Schlag, what does a diagnosis of hypersexuality mean to you?

It sounds to me that the doctor is saying you have tendencies, but not enough for a serious disorder. This tells me that everything you did was **not** medical, but something that is controllable.





Celtic Voyager
Married 22+ years
3 young adult children


"A story of me"
Schlag #2563886 11/14/11 05:12 PM
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
Originally Posted By: Schlag
You don't get ADD from being busy or distracted. ADD is a physiological brain dysfunction from birth. It's real and it's not a joke.


Dr. Harley says he thinks he could probably be diagnosed with ADD.

Just thought I'd throw it in there for a little different perspective on this conversation.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
markos #2563888 11/14/11 05:14 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
There is no connection between ADD and adultery. This is another distraction from a wayward who is not serious.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


markos #2563889 11/14/11 05:15 PM
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
So ... are you wanting us to tell you what to do next, or just wanting to blog?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
markos #2563900 11/14/11 05:27 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: markos
So ... are you wanting us to tell you what to do next, or just wanting to blog?


I think the goal is to continually throw enough crap up against the wall to see if something sticks with us. The "add" angle was the latest rationalization.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Schlag #2563969 11/14/11 08:05 PM
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146
Originally Posted By: Schlag

I can also see why my memory is so bad. It's Ironic that everyone here says I'm "foggy" - that's exactly how spouses in the book describe their ADD partners over and over again.



Maybe it's early onset of alzheimers disease, I mean you are, like, 37'ish already. Or it could be male menopause syndrome. Maybe your hyper-sexual disorder is really just hot flashes. Who knows for sure....

I really think you may just be suffering from a cranial-rectal disorder.... If you'll ask that UCLA specialist to just pull your head out of your (ummm) for you, I think you may find you're cured.

Best of luck!





Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: HerPapaBear
[
I really think you may just be suffering from a cranial-rectal disorder.... If you'll ask that UCLA specialist to just pull your head out of your (ummm) for you, I think you may find you're cured.


rotflmao


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,093
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,093
Schlag,

My advice?

STOP looking for a CAUSE for your adultery.


Here is the "cause", if you MUST have one:

YOU CHOSE TO CHEAT.


That, in a nutshell, is exactly what happened.


You wanted some extracurricular sex. You got it.

Then, you lied about it.

In the middle of all of this, you covered up, you obfuscated, you gaslighted, you hid things, you betrayed, you deceived, and a whole host of other really bad and dastardly stuff.


How hard is this to understand?


Come on.




I have ADHD. I have diverticulosis. I have chronic headaches. I also have pimples on my butt from time to time.


NONE of these make me any more or less likely to make bad decisions, although there are times when I would just sorely love to blame SOMETHING for those stupid things I do!!!!!!



PLEASE - for the love of all things holy - just OWN IT FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

twoxfour

Man.


Schoolbus. Ranting.


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,093
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,093
And Schlag, if you had been around here for ANY length of time, you would know that I do not yell at people very often.

You should feel honored.

Usually, I would just give up and stop posting to you.



What in the world is it that you want?



There is no way out for you. Have you figured this out yet?


I want you to focus on the future of your marriage.

Really consider this.



Do you see a future with Amy unless you completely stop trying to find a back door from owning this, lay down all of your defenses, and accept that your affair behaviors

ARE 100% A CHOICE
and
ARE 100% ABOUT YOU.



We have spoken about you being "broken". The sense of brokenness occurs when you realize that there truly is no way out but to accept that YOU, and you alone, own this; that your shame and guilt are now public and that you must admit to all those in your life that you did this and that there is NO EXCUSE or "condition" that might explain it away (not in part, not in whole). Being broken means that you find yourself on the floor - helpless to fight against this, helpless to repair it, and knowing that your ONLY recourse is to face it head-on.


You are not there yet.


We call you "foggy" because you continue to seek an excuse, a way out, something that allows you to explain yourself that you hope to cling to so you don't look like such a jerk.


Schlag,

Your best bet is to shout to the world that you are a jerk.

Because.....

everyone already knows you are.

You will feel so much better once you do this. Everyone else will find you a better man for doing it.


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
Schlag #2563994 11/14/11 09:16 PM
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Originally Posted By: Schlag
Update for everybody...

I did an extensive psychological evaluation last week with a specialist at UCLA.


MrRollieEyes This reminds me of poster Chris1970. A WH who was searching for a diagnosis to explain "why" he did such cruel things to his wife.

THIS LINK is my reply

It's really remarkable how identical they are.
Schlag , just so you know .... Chris1972 diddled with his excuse-making too long and his wife was fed up and filed for divorce.

Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Schlag .... you're not as special as you think you are.

Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
Originally Posted By: Pepperband
Originally Posted By: Schlag
Update for everybody...

I did an extensive psychological evaluation last week with a specialist at UCLA.


MrRollieEyes This reminds me of poster Chris1970. A WH who was searching for a diagnosis to explain "why" he did such cruel things to his wife.

THIS LINK is my reply

It's really remarkable how identical they are.
Schlag , just so you know .... Chris1972 diddled with his excuse-making too long and his wife was fed up and filed for divorce.



My word!

I almost linked this thread today to Schlage cuz he reminds me so much of Chris. Seriously!


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
SusieQ #2564140 11/15/11 10:16 AM
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 199
S
Schlag Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 199
I AM A JERK!!!!

I'm so bad at communicating, please forgive me everybody.

Like I said in my reply previously, I was just updating everybody as to what happened in the last week.

ADD did not make me do it.

Depression did not make me do it.

I made the choices.

I will be the man I need to be for Amy and my family in the future.

I will not seek outside my marriage again.

I will do whatever it takes, with or without Amy's wanting me back, to prove to her that this is true.

I am doing the EPs.

Amy is filing for divorce but I have 6 months in which she is (thankfully so far) interested in my EPs and is willing to see the change in me. I only pray that she sees it before she falls in love with someone else. We both agree that divorce is the right path for us, and that when she marries again it will be to a new man, either a new me or another man. I want it to be me.

Last edited by Schlag; 11/15/11 10:20 AM.
Page 18 of 35 1 2 16 17 18 19 20 34 35

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (1 invisible), 28 guests, and 30 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Lethabo, Livn1dayAtaTime, widup, Reggg, Endlessvow
71,682 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,528
Posts2,322,563
Members71,682
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5