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Seriously.... glad you found out you had affairs because of a medical problem...  Bet that makes it all better. 
Me -BS 40
Him - FWH 34 (dtl)
3 D-Days from 12/25/10 to 01/06/11
NC - 01/09/11
02/20/12 done beating my head on that wall.
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I always wonder
which came first
the chicken or the egg.
Are you scattered and foggy from ADD
or
do you have ADD from having to keep secrets, trying to live seperate secret lives and keep them straight, thus scattering your thoughts?
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Luvs,
I'm not blaming my actions on the ADD... it's part of the reason for issues we've had, not an excuse for my behavior. I had choices and made the wrong choices. But understanding myself and getting healthy will demonstrate to Amy that I'm serious about being the man I always should have been for her.
Reading,
You don't get ADD from being busy or distracted. ADD is a physiological brain dysfunction from birth. It's real and it's not a joke.
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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So...Does EVERYONE with ADD behave in the manner in which you did?
BS(me)
FWH
M '91
DS x 3
Don’t let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers of this world, rather than from Christ.
Col. 2:8 (NLT)
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I can see that most of our marital problems have come from my ADD ANYTHING goes... What's next? Bad diet?
Me, FWW: 43
Mr_Recon6mo, FWH: 44
DD20 and DS23
3 cats
Married 23 years, together 24
Divorcing
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I am not by any means an expert on ADD, but I know a contradiction when I see one... I can see that most of our marital problems have come from my ADD. I'm not blaming my actions on the ADD... I do know people with ADD are more likely to have relationship problems, but that's like saying thieves are more likely to be poor. They dont have a gun to their heads forcing them into a life of crime, they choose it, as you chose your actions. No hint of blaming the affair on ADD, ok? Get treatment, but focus your marriage efforts upon your ACTIONS and taking responsibility. Anyway, back to work.. FYI Amy went home for a week to her mom's with our two youngest. I'm enjoying time with our two oldest. I'm using a plotwatcher time lapse video camera to record myself from when the kids go to bed to when I leave for work so Amy can see that I'm behaving myself.  I like the video camera idea, but why are you two apart? I will let those more experienced in recovery chime in, but it takes a lot of time together from what I have seen.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Luvs,
I'm not blaming my actions on the ADD... it's part of the reason for issues we've had, not an excuse for my behavior. I had choices and made the wrong choices.
You are correct. My wife was diagnosed as clinically depressed but her decision to cheat was solely hers. No fault of the depression.
But understanding myself and getting healthy will demonstrate to Amy that I'm serious about being the man I always should have been for her.
Fixing the add may help in other areas, like concentration, jumping from subject to subject. It helps peripheral things, but not the root problem.
Reading,
You don't get ADD from being busy or distracted. ADD is a physiological brain dysfunction from birth. It's real and it's not a joke.
Agreed. So... Now to your diagnosis... Hypersexuality Hypersexuality is extremely frequent or suddenly increased sexual urges or sexual activity. All that means is you have surges in your sex drive. These can be controlled through self discipline. Schlag, what does a diagnosis of hypersexuality mean to you?
It sounds to me that the doctor is saying you have tendencies, but not enough for a serious disorder. This tells me that everything you did was **not** medical, but something that is controllable.
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You don't get ADD from being busy or distracted. ADD is a physiological brain dysfunction from birth. It's real and it's not a joke. Dr. Harley says he thinks he could probably be diagnosed with ADD. Just thought I'd throw it in there for a little different perspective on this conversation.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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There is no connection between ADD and adultery. This is another distraction from a wayward who is not serious.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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So ... are you wanting us to tell you what to do next, or just wanting to blog?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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So ... are you wanting us to tell you what to do next, or just wanting to blog? I think the goal is to continually throw enough crap up against the wall to see if something sticks with us. The "add" angle was the latest rationalization.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I can also see why my memory is so bad. It's Ironic that everyone here says I'm "foggy" - that's exactly how spouses in the book describe their ADD partners over and over again. Maybe it's early onset of alzheimers disease, I mean you are, like, 37'ish already. Or it could be male menopause syndrome. Maybe your hyper-sexual disorder is really just hot flashes. Who knows for sure.... I really think you may just be suffering from a cranial-rectal disorder.... If you'll ask that UCLA specialist to just pull your head out of your (ummm) for you, I think you may find you're cured. Best of luck!
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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[
I really think you may just be suffering from a cranial-rectal disorder.... If you'll ask that UCLA specialist to just pull your head out of your (ummm) for you, I think you may find you're cured. 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Schlag, My advice? STOP looking for a CAUSE for your adultery. Here is the "cause", if you MUST have one: YOU CHOSE TO CHEAT. That, in a nutshell, is exactly what happened. You wanted some extracurricular sex. You got it. Then, you lied about it. In the middle of all of this, you covered up, you obfuscated, you gaslighted, you hid things, you betrayed, you deceived, and a whole host of other really bad and dastardly stuff. How hard is this to understand? Come on. I have ADHD. I have diverticulosis. I have chronic headaches. I also have pimples on my butt from time to time. NONE of these make me any more or less likely to make bad decisions, although there are times when I would just sorely love to blame SOMETHING for those stupid things I do!!!!!! PLEASE - for the love of all things holy - just OWN IT FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.  Man. Schoolbus. Ranting.
Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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And Schlag, if you had been around here for ANY length of time, you would know that I do not yell at people very often.
You should feel honored.
Usually, I would just give up and stop posting to you.
What in the world is it that you want?
There is no way out for you. Have you figured this out yet?
I want you to focus on the future of your marriage.
Really consider this.
Do you see a future with Amy unless you completely stop trying to find a back door from owning this, lay down all of your defenses, and accept that your affair behaviors
ARE 100% A CHOICE
and
ARE 100% ABOUT YOU.
We have spoken about you being "broken". The sense of brokenness occurs when you realize that there truly is no way out but to accept that YOU, and you alone, own this; that your shame and guilt are now public and that you must admit to all those in your life that you did this and that there is NO EXCUSE or "condition" that might explain it away (not in part, not in whole). Being broken means that you find yourself on the floor - helpless to fight against this, helpless to repair it, and knowing that your ONLY recourse is to face it head-on.
You are not there yet.
We call you "foggy" because you continue to seek an excuse, a way out, something that allows you to explain yourself that you hope to cling to so you don't look like such a jerk.
Schlag,
Your best bet is to shout to the world that you are a jerk.
Because.....
everyone already knows you are.
You will feel so much better once you do this. Everyone else will find you a better man for doing it.
Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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Update for everybody...
I did an extensive psychological evaluation last week with a specialist at UCLA. This reminds me of poster Chris1970. A WH who was searching for a diagnosis to explain "why" he did such cruel things to his wife. THIS LINK is my reply It's really remarkable how identical they are. Schlag , just so you know .... Chris1972 diddled with his excuse-making too long and his wife was fed up and filed for divorce.
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Schlag .... you're not as special as you think you are.
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Update for everybody...
I did an extensive psychological evaluation last week with a specialist at UCLA. This reminds me of poster Chris1970. A WH who was searching for a diagnosis to explain "why" he did such cruel things to his wife. THIS LINK is my reply It's really remarkable how identical they are. Schlag , just so you know .... Chris1972 diddled with his excuse-making too long and his wife was fed up and filed for divorce. My word! I almost linked this thread today to Schlage cuz he reminds me so much of Chris. Seriously!
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I AM A JERK!!!!
I'm so bad at communicating, please forgive me everybody.
Like I said in my reply previously, I was just updating everybody as to what happened in the last week.
ADD did not make me do it.
Depression did not make me do it.
I made the choices.
I will be the man I need to be for Amy and my family in the future.
I will not seek outside my marriage again.
I will do whatever it takes, with or without Amy's wanting me back, to prove to her that this is true.
I am doing the EPs.
Amy is filing for divorce but I have 6 months in which she is (thankfully so far) interested in my EPs and is willing to see the change in me. I only pray that she sees it before she falls in love with someone else. We both agree that divorce is the right path for us, and that when she marries again it will be to a new man, either a new me or another man. I want it to be me.
Last edited by Schlag; 11/15/11 09:20 AM.
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