Thanks Pepperband! Not sure if it's relevant, but how long was the affair? My wife's affair has been going on for around 2 years and I think she has fallen for him, or at least in her head she has. Again, she did come back and I think it was sincere but I realize now that I didn't enforce no contact and she probably was in WD and couldn't help but go back.

Thanks helpthelostdads and Mel! I know I have been on here for a couple of days going back and forth with a bunch of questions. I am getting on board with exposure, but still pretty scared about the outcome. It's easy to run through so many different scenerios.... I've been doing that anyway, just about her coming back, not coming back, etc etc

Just wanted to quote this in case you missed it the first time I posted it when you asked if exposure had worked for anyone.

And ya know what was worse than my W's A? My 16 yr old son telling me he already knew his mother was committing adultery before I told him, but that he didn't want to say anything to me because what if he was wrong? Can you imagine what he went thru? And your son asked you if his mother was having an affair and you didn't tell him? Think of what he's going thru!

And if you need any more encouragement, let me add this. The three previous years before my W's A...our 16 yr old got straight A's in school. The last quarter of his freshman year in H.S. is when the A started and he still did ok, but his grades had slipped. Soph year, lots of C's and D's. Grew his hair long and started running with what I would politely describe as not the kind of crowd a parent aspires their kids to run with. After I exposed to my kids and the A ended THE NEXT DAY (late in the school year), by the next school year, his grades returned to A's and B's.

A year later he was voted Sr Class President and just two weeks ago both my W and I attended his graduation from Basic Training in the USAF. You know who the first person he hugged was when we saw him for the first time? HIS MOTHER.

H4U.

I had gone about my plan for 6 months. The OM and my wife did not know I was reading emails, snooping. Did not know I saw a lot of stuff. He was our pastor. I used every guilt trip there was. They thought I thought it was over. I met with him, sent him emails, strategically mentioning things that referenced some of their conversations, their real misgivings and guilt, because it was there. These were two people really struggling with what they were doing. I made him especially feel like dung. It stopped several times. But I didn't want to expose, out of fear of my wife's anger, fear of embarrassment for my children, fear of scorn on my wife (how dumbassed does that sound.) And I had no thought of NC (how could I disrupt my youngest daughter's church experience, again dumbassed.)

My marriage slowly, well not so slowly, went from in trouble to in shambles. I found MB and took it from there. I took about 2 days of 2x4 bombs. Dropped off and read. Snooped, gathered evidence and waited for it to inevitably start again, at least get something I could use, I am sure it never stopped, just went underground.

Then I exposed. I was in control. It felt like 1000 lbs lifted off me. I was not hiding sin, not enabling snakes.

It was the only thing I did right, the only thing I really feel good about, and I waited too long. I had weakly let my marriage implode and never lifted a finger to really try and stop someone from taking my wife until it was too late. By then, she was finished with me.

Much of your chances of success in saving your marriage depend on the state it is in before exposure. By you being in the position you are in, I doubt it was all that good before the affair, and will deteriorate exponentially as long as you let it go on.

Believe me, every day is important.

Or, let another man keep screwing your wife. Maybe you can give them a ride to where ever they go so she wont get mad.

Don't think of it as exposure.....think of it as spreading the good news that your WW has finally found her soulmate in POSOM.... & it only took 20 some years.....

You will get some back fire from those who are close to the situation.....but it's all talk, classic double think and self justifying of their A.

It's actually quite funny.

I promise you will feel better later down the road about it.

I wish I could disagree with you Mel, but I think you must know me! Seriously that is what her and I both struggle with.... communication in general and yes, avoiding conflict. She even said that was why she didn't even want to tell the kids she was moving the first time, she wanted to wait until she found a place or was out I guess. She said she doesn't like conflict, I think I told her (or at least thought it), that conflict is coming.... maybe I should take my own advice

Thank you!!!! That actually made me cry!! I had forgotten the story, sorry, but when I started reading it came back to me, and the addition today was very touching. I don't want my boys to hate their Mom!!!! It is what scares me.... I admit that I fear she is so far gone with the A that she'll just run to the OM.... but I fear the kids hating her more than anything else!! I truly don't think they will, I just don't think kids hate Moms, especially knowing our boys and my wife. But I do fear it. I don't even know she'll run to the OM if I expose.... she did come back to me, but probably fell due to WD and went back to the A.

Thanks again for the comment about your son and his Mother.... that still has tears in my eyes.

Giraffe,

A wayward mother, and a lack of honesty from their betrayed father, is a recipe for disaster not only in their current lives, but in their adult lives as well.

Our models of marriage are our parents and grandparents (and possibly aunts and uncles).

Don't let your children grow up believing "sometimes it just doesn't work."

Because, frankly, that's a load of crap. Were they to hate their mother, yet have safe, loving, romantic marriages in their adult lives, they will be far better off!

It has already been mentioned that her relationship to them depends on her, not you.

Imagine this conversation.

"Dad, I can't believe Mom left you for xxxx. It must be quite a shock."

"Well, Son, I actually have known about their affair for over two tears and kept it from you like you were a little child too young to make up his own mind about his relationships."

"What, how could you have kept this from me. I have lost respect for you."

"But, but, but, ......."

The affair ended when I exposed (finally) to OMW. It was 2,5 years ago. We are in happy marriage now and it still gets better every day. My wife still thanks me for the exposure.

Ask from herself if you are doubting, she is posting in these forums.

I get that. I too was afraid my boys would hate their mom.

When I told them, I was very careful to not bash her and I told them in my best Dad voice, that I would not accept them disrespecting her, that she was their mother and yes, she'd made a mistake, a BIG mistake, but she was just in a F'd up place.

The next day, after my W said she was willing to try, I told our son's "Everyone makes mistakes, the real measure of a person is what they learn and how they respond to those mistakes".

Don't get me wrong, it was a long tough road and her WD went on for a good 3-4 months, but things slowly got better between us as well as between her and our son's.

And now, going on 4 years later, things have never been better with all of us.

H4U.

Thanks.... and trust me, that has gone through my mind. It's what had me thinking about telling them way back, before I even read these MB posts.

Your boys will RESENT you terribly for withholding this information about their lives FROM THEM. Do you know who I resent the MOST about hiding my father's affairs from me? MY MOTHER.

My father was invested in hiding his crimes because he was guilty, but my mother had no such excuse. She was not wayward; he was.

Believe me, kids don't appreciate being treated like little morons who are too stupid to know the truth about their own lives. I deeply resent the confusion my mother caused me by not telling me the truth. I concluded the source of the problem WAS ME. And that is the problem with lying to your kids. It just causes confusion.

As long as you lie to them, your wife is free to lie to them.

My disbelief at your attitude is not at your asking questions about a course of action that you might not fully understand, or that you need to work out the timeline for. I do not believe that you are weak for asking questions or cowardly for not having exposure sewn up already, having only come here yesterday.

I am frustrated at you because I don't believe your "questions" are really questions designed to help you understand and prepare fully. Your "questions" are really objections to what you are being advised, and your objection comes from weakness and cowardice. Your "questions" are a smokescreen or a pointless game, although why you come here to play games, or repeatedly to tell us why you can't use the MB plans, is beyond me. Does posting these endless "questions" here make you feel that you are actually doing something to save your marriage?

I don't believe you are here to get help because when you get a clear answer to each "question" posed, you do not accept it. You simply bypass that answer and find some other smokescreen to tremble behind.

For example, you asked whether exposure stopped affairs and saved marriages. Several people told you that yes, it stopped the affair in their marriage and gave them a shot at recovery. Your objection to that is that "not many" people said this. Good grief.

When another person (Pepperband) adds her very positive experience of exposure and recovery, you ask whether the affair was as long as your wife's - as if looking for a time loophole that would mean that exposure wouldn't work in your case. you need something - anything - to prove that your circumstances are different.

You know that my H had a long-term affair, because I posted the timeline to you - a 3.5 year PA followed by 6 months of EA by means of phone calls. You simply bypass my experience.

At least two people have told you that they did NOT expose and they regret not doing so. You simply bypass their posts and continue posting objections. I think you are looking around for someone - anyone - to tell you that they regret exposing because it made things worse. When you find that person - and no doubt SOMEONE will be able to come here and say that, if you let this thread go on long enough - you will claim to have all the evidence you need that exposure is a bad idea. Viola.

I don't lose respect for someone who takes a couple of days to work out how to follow the MB plans. However, I don't respect anyone who, having heard the expertise of Dr Harley, who has seen exposure work many hundreds of times, and having heard from several people who have learned the wisdom of his plans (sometimes ESPECIALLY because they did not expose), would not take charge of his marriage to give his kids a chance of a future, if not himself.

And as for someone who would hide behind fear of his kids' reactions should exposure prove successful...

TOS. I must remember TOS.

Thanks, that's awesome.... congratulations! I hope to have one of these success stories to share on MB, soon!

So, you only exposed to OMW? just curious.... I know it seems to be the advice here to do a big exposure. I can see where that is more effective. I don't want to just tell the OMW because it's his ex, and I don't think they were still married when the affair started. She'll probably still not be happy, she has been friends with my W since middle school. But I also want to tell my W's Mom and Dad.... and our kids. I was just curious if you only told the OMW.

Again.... congrats to you and Mrs_Recon6mo

Thank you! That is one to really think on!

You could invest some effort in reading some of the stories around here, you know? A little work on your own to see how it's worked out for other people?

The most effective exposures are the wide spread ones that are done on the same day. Rarely is a minimal exposure effective because it is not enough to kill the affair and just enough to tick off the affairees. When it comes to exposure it has been my observation that it is better to do more than less. You can recover from doing more, but doing less typically neutralizes the exposure.

Word.

What? Are you just having a bad day and decided to take it out on a guy that has only been on this site for 24 hours or what? Sorry a simple question set you off so easy.... I didn't mean to imply I wasn't willing to do any research. A lot of folks had replied to my post and I was just asking a question. Sorry it upset you.