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No one on this site is paid for our participtation. We're here because we know it works. And we know very well the emotions you are dealing with. We've been there. Thank you! I admit I did wonder about that (if some of you were paid spokesmen :)) We're trying to save you from the mis-steps you'll likely encounter that could derail your attempts to save your M.
Some of the best posters we've got are on your thread. You just don't know it yet. They've been where you are and came out on the other side. They don't want to see you lose your marriage - it's so salvageable at this point. IF YOU DO THIS RIGHT. Thank you again! I realize you are all on my "team" and I am getting on board with this! I am working on a plan. And I appreciate everything! I still have a lot catching up to do, I missed a lot of posts from yesterday and this morning.... back to reading! Giraffe6
Me: 46
Wife: 44
Married 24 years
Kids: 4
PA began about 2 years ago.
D-Day: August 2011
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Giraffe,
Thank you! I admit I did wonder about that (if some of you were paid spokesmen
Actually we are paid, I for one would be divorced and/or living in a marriage hell of argument, fighting and disrespect, if I had not stumbled on MB.
If one assumes their marriage and family are their biggest and most important asset, then yes I am very well compensated.
This site has changed not just how I deal with my W, but with everyone.
God Bless
Gamma
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Click on the carrot/stick link in my sig line. Click the LINK and read that first post and all its parts. I have suggested one way to word your exposure statement. Exposure is your most effective tool to end the affair !
It is important to SNOOP ~before~ exposure.
There are ways to snoop in order to gather evidence. If you have questions about snooping tactics ... go to the general Questions infidelity forum and begin a thread titled something like: ~~~> I need to snoop. Teach me everything you know!
OK ... once you've snooped and you know there is an affair ... and your spouse refuses to end the affair relationship ... you will hear:
"It's only a friendship."
"You are too controling."
"I love you but I am not in love with you."
"You are too suspicious."
"You are crazy."
"Our marriage never worked."
"I've never been happy."
"Our marriage was a mistake from the start."
TIME for exposure.
WAT has a great exposure thread ... read it
Exposure is NOT to the 2 infidels ... they already know they are in an affair!
You expose to the other betrayed spouse first.
You expose to your family as well as your spouse's family (if appropriate)
You expose to work, or neighbors, or others .... ASK the board for help regarding who to expose to
HOW you expose is important
wording something like:
I am saddened to tell you my sweetie is having an affair. It's been going on for (length of time).He/she refuses to end the affair. I want our marriage to recover from this affair. If you have any influence on my sweetie, please do what you can to get him/her to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end.
don't forget these words
swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.
you NEVER tell your adulterous spouse you are going to expose
you just do it
Last edited by Pepperband; 11/16/11 11:37 AM.
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Giraffe, all that I am pressuring you to do is to slow down, talk less, listen more, go back, and reread. Can you do that? Thanks marcos! I'm working on that now.... readning the posts I missed yesterday and today. For some reason I just felt too pressured yesterday, but I understand why you guys are doing that, and it's appreciated. I have a question.... I know everyone says sooner is better. I'm thinking of doing this next week over Thanksgiving. For a couple reasons. I would prefer to tell my kids in person and only one of them is at home, the other three are away (college & living out of the area), but all four boys will be home for the holiday. Plus the OM goes away a lot in the fall and winter (hunts, fishes, etc) so chances are he will be gone anyway. I wanted to do this sooner so we can talk over Thanksgiving but I would prefer to tell as many folks in person as I can, especially our boys. If I do it this way, the only person I should have to tell over the phone is her Dad. I can tell our kids, MIL, and OM ex in person. G6
Me: 46
Wife: 44
Married 24 years
Kids: 4
PA began about 2 years ago.
D-Day: August 2011
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You make your own decision whether to follow me and the others who took the advice. We will be inside waiting for you. Some of us are married some are not. But none of us are afraid anymore. Wow, thank you so much! I only quoted the last paragraph but trust me I read it all. I am happy for you and hope/pray I can post something very similar, SOON! G6
Me: 46
Wife: 44
Married 24 years
Kids: 4
PA began about 2 years ago.
D-Day: August 2011
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I have suggested one way to word your exposure statement. Thanks Pepperband! I know I was a little frustrated yesterday and arguing rather than listening.... thank you for sticking with me.... that goes for ALL of you!
Me: 46
Wife: 44
Married 24 years
Kids: 4
PA began about 2 years ago.
D-Day: August 2011
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Posts: 123
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If one assumes their marriage and family are their biggest and most important asset, then yes I am very well compensated.
This site has changed not just how I deal with my W, but with everyone.
God Bless
Gamma well said! thanks I appreciate all of this. I am working on a strategy!
Me: 46
Wife: 44
Married 24 years
Kids: 4
PA began about 2 years ago.
D-Day: August 2011
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Tell the one child living at home today.
Chances are, your other two will call you soon after that.
I recommend you get this done before Thanksgiving.
Why?
The secrecy of their affair is romantic right now.
Exposure ruins the romantic secrecy.
Thanksgiving will provide you the opportunity to carry on the carrot of Plan A despite whatever foulness WW exudes.
You are the head of the house.
There will be a family dinner because you will provide whatever is necessary for that dinner. 'EVEN IF' your WW is sulking/pouting/giving you stink-eye. YOU are Mr Turkey carver, and making toasts and saying the blessing.
If WW refuses to cook, you do it, or you order a complete meal from your supermarket. or, you can always make reservations and take the kids out to eat.
YOU decide because YOU are the leader of your family in your home.
IGNORE anything ugly your WW says after exposure.
I have been reading along and I have no doubt you will probably return to the forum after exposure and lament whatever nonsense and foulness that spewed from your WW about exposure.
If WW says something indicating she is sorry, put your arms around her. (Unlikely)
I AM TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW .... IGNORE WHAT SHE SAYS IF IT IS UGLY OR THREATENING!
Carry on with your Thanksgiving plans and IGNORE her unless she is being sociable. Spend time asking your kids about their interests.
Play games.
Play music.
Be festive .... with or without WW.
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Spend time asking your kids about their interests.
Play games.
Play music.
Be festive .... with or without WW.
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I am still married. I was planning on running off with OM after Christmas. But he ran away after EXPOSURE. Thanks, it is good to hear a WW's point of view on this. I appreciate it! I do understand now why so many of you are kind of "pushy" or just honest and it's nice. Some places just let you boohoo, but I can see MB is just going to tell me like it is, and that's what I needed to hear. Thanks! G6
Me: 46
Wife: 44
Married 24 years
Kids: 4
PA began about 2 years ago.
D-Day: August 2011
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Thanksgiving can demonstrate (to yourself and to your kids and to WW) what an awesome father and husband you are. Thanksgiving can be the crystal ball that shows WW what family fun and togetherness she will be missing if she continues her adulterous affair. WW needs to know 100%, that the time for having no consequences to her adultery is O.V.E.R. Thanksgiving AFTER exposure will provide ample consequences. Will she be mad?  Let's hope so !!!!!! Her anger will subside. Will she be embarrassed? Let's hope so !!!!!! Her embarrassment will subside. Will she experience a wake up call? Let's hope so. Put on your combat boots. This is war! You are fighting adultery. You must not lay down you best weapons before you fire the BIG GUN !!!!! 
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GREEN = carrot
RED = stick Thanks, I was going to ask to make sure I was clear, but that helped! So.... it's expose, then if she gets angry, I just continue on spending time with the family (carrot), and hope she joins in or at least realzies what she is and will be missing (stick).... is that right?
Me: 46
Wife: 44
Married 24 years
Kids: 4
PA began about 2 years ago.
D-Day: August 2011
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Yes, that's right.
Last edited by Pepperband; 11/16/11 12:40 PM.
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You can't do all stick and get "happily married" results.
You can't do all carrot and get"happily married" results.
There must be both.
Stick = reason to end affair
Carrot = reason to stay married
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You expose, and only expect her to be pissed, embarrassed, distraught, even frantic.
I've learned that it might not kill the affair immediately (but it could!), but it WILL lead the the death of this affair.
You play the hero for your family, your children...you be the foundation, the safe place.
And you know what? Chances are she'll snap out of the fantasy and want to recover her marriage, her family.
If she chooses not to, then you weren't going to have a marriage anyway, and it will be her loss.
(oh, and I say this as Pep and MB will attest to, as someone who went "all carrot" and NO stick for way too long. Then, in March, I exposed and applied the stick. Affair over, W decides pro-marriage/family or OM...begin withdrawal, move on to recovery. Apply the stick, end her affair).
You can do this.
Last edited by helpfordad; 11/16/11 12:47 PM.
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Good to see you back, Giraffe. We're pulling for you.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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NOW you sound like your ready to take action! Great job! Be the hero! We are DEF rooting for you!
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Good to see you back, Giraffe. We're pulling for you. Thanks, me too! Yesterday got a little goofy, and again, I'm sorry about that.
Me: 46
Wife: 44
Married 24 years
Kids: 4
PA began about 2 years ago.
D-Day: August 2011
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Posts: 35,996
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And, you will feel better (no longer fearful/helpless/pathetic) after exposure. You will know that you faced your great challenge and you survived. Fear (yours) will begin to die with exposure. Your wife will experience fear after exposure (this fear is the root of her anger, by the way) In fact, when WW is expressing her anger .... listen until she is fnished. Then respond to her fear, not her anger. "I know you are scared."She will deny. But repeat it.
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Great point, Pep.
Months after exposure, W said to me, reflecting, that it wasn';t that she was angry about exposure, it was that she was afraid of what people would think about her, afraid for the consequences of her actions, afraid I would not committ to recovery and she'd be left w/ nothing (knowing the OM was NOT her future).
And thanked me for saving her, and being her man when she was most afraid in her life.
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