Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
ABOUT, FACE!

Alrighty, recruits, let's take a look at this issue. A lot of you newbies are refusing to do what you need to in order to get through this ordeal.

You insist your situation is "unique" and that exposure would only "drive them away!"

Sure, you can meet needs, but you are competing with an irrational druggish fantasy! There is no way that just sitting and meeting needs is going to make your WS get off the fence. You have to shove them off, and one of the tools to do so is exposure.

Meeting needs, eliminating LBs, and so forth is a good thing, but it is only about 1/2 of Plan A.

Think of the rutting location of WS and OP as an enemy bunker. Exposure is a grenade that, used properly, will blow the enemy bunker all to heck.

How to Expose Effectively:

* Do NOT threaten exposure beforehand. This will give the wayward time to spin the story and paint you as a liar.

* Do it all as quickly as possible. Stretching it out over several days makes it more likely that your WS will catch wind of one person's knowledge. They'll then have more chance to do "damage control." (Note on FB Exposure: Give it 1 minute between messages if you send them to people. If you don't, you'll be stopped from sending more FB messages for a while)

* Do not apologize for exposure. This grenade you just lobbed in the affair bunker will REALLY tick the WS off and they will make every attempt to get you to recant the exposure and apologize to them for the *horrible* (/sarcasm) thing you did.

* Do not take anything they say right now seriously. They'll say all sorts of things--I was going to work it out with you, but now I won't. How could you! I don't trust you anymore! How could you do this to me! Just pretend they're a crack addict you just took crack away from.

* Work Exposure -- This is primarily for BS's whose WS's are having affairs with a coworker. Most companies will NOT take kindly to this sort of thing, due to the fact that many affairees waste company time and resources. Address workplace exposure to HR, or a commanding officer if the WS is in the military.

I don't want to hear any whining. "They'll be mad!" "This will drive them away!" "It won't work!" "They'll lose their job (if affair partner is coworker)!"

DO IT. It will do nothing but help you!

(Apologies to anyone who is in the armed forces, as I am not involved in them at all.)


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,588
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,588
Concur, without reservations!

Colonel (Retired) Armymama


BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
Bump for people who need it!


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 289
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 289
Originally Posted by karmasrose
....you are competing with an irrational druggish fantasy!
* Do not take anything they say right now seriously. They'll say all sorts of things--I was going to work it out with you, but now I won't. How could you! I don't trust you anymore! How could you do this to me! Just pretend they're a crack addict you just took crack away from.

You forgot "I'M DONE WITH YOU!!!"


BH(Me)= 55
WW(Her)=43
DD=24 (My step-daughter, been raising her since the age of 8, SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!!)
Married=13 yrs
Together=16.5 yrs
THIS IS MY STORY
WW moved out of the home = May 1,2011
D-Day=July 4, 2011
Dear Wife: I'm COMPLETELY CRAZY about you!.....as of Aug-2012 forget that last part....Good Luck to you and GOODBYE!!
"Mourn the woman she was. Know the woman she is."
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
Bump


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
An Addition:

Some WSs will tell you that exposure will hurt their career--especially if they are in the army or having an affair with a coworker (in a school).

They should have thought of that before they stuck their pen into the work inkwell.

Their shame is their own. Not yours.



One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
Bump for newbies who need it!


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 107
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 107
Oh this sounds all so familiar...
I exposed my WS almost a month ago and he was livid. He accused me of 'ruining his reputation and career', of being vindictive and mentally unstable and a whole host of other things.
He has since filed the divorce petition. I even got a letter from his lawyer threatening me with an injunction if I was to send anymore 'harassment emails' to his employer.

Am I sorry that I exposed him? Absolutely not.
The way I see it, I had already lost him, and if there was (or is, we live in hope) a chance to help end his affair I had to take it.
And it's his actions and behaviour that are jeopardising his career, not me.

I know he absolutely hates my guts right now,and won't even talk to me but I hope that at some point his fog will lift and he will see my actions for what they were, for the good of him and our marriage.

If the fog doesn't lift, or his hatred for me remains, then that is his cross to bear, not mine. I tried everything I could, and my conscience is clear.


Me, BS, 35
J, WS, 33
12 years together, married 2.
No kids, just cats
D-day 06/30/11
In Plan B

"If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
Exactly! It's wonderful to see a BS who doesn't balk at exposure and goes through with it.


Your marriage can always survive his anger. Not his affair.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 313
K
kar Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 313
I exposed and HE11 broke loose. Through all of the anger spewing out of WH's mouth I just kept repeating to myself. "Our marriage can withstand ANGER it can not withstand and AFFAIR."

Btw his anger scared the daylights out of me but I remained as calm as I could considering. WH was actually quite funny in retrospect.

So I can say I am quite happy to have done a tsunami exposure. I even had to do it one week earlier than planned. I got almost everyone that I wanted with a few exceptions so I beg you to not be afraid of the anger and to listen to the vets. They truly know what they are doing.


BW (Me) age 41
WH age 40
kids 9 & 3
DD PA Skank #1 2/07
DD PA Skank #2 9/29/10
DD EA Skank #3 3/11 (occurred in '08)not sure if it was PA
Plan A- presently 9/2/11
Plan D- filed 12/20/11, served 12/24/11, 9/2/11 on hold, 12/1/11 cancelled
1/5/2011 WH tells me he is not 100% sure his relationship with OW would work.
7/21/2011 WH moves back home
11/7/2011 WH still foggy in ref to SK#3
Plan D- 1/2012 refiled
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 289
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 289
Originally Posted by Maryse
Am I sorry that I exposed him? Absolutely not.
The way I see it, I had already lost him, and if there was (or is, we live in hope) a chance to help end his affair I had to take it.
I know he absolutely hates my guts right now,and won't even talk to me but I hope that at some point his fog will lift and he will see my actions for what they were, for the good of him and our marriage.

If the fog doesn't lift, or his hatred for me remains, then that is his cross to bear, not mine. I tried everything I could, and my conscience is clear.

Change "He" to "She" and that is my situation.
And I couldn't agree more!
Wife.....if you're there.....WAKE UP AND OPEN YOUR EYES!!!!


BH(Me)= 55
WW(Her)=43
DD=24 (My step-daughter, been raising her since the age of 8, SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!!)
Married=13 yrs
Together=16.5 yrs
THIS IS MY STORY
WW moved out of the home = May 1,2011
D-Day=July 4, 2011
Dear Wife: I'm COMPLETELY CRAZY about you!.....as of Aug-2012 forget that last part....Good Luck to you and GOODBYE!!
"Mourn the woman she was. Know the woman she is."
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
Bump


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Love it! weightlifter


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 171
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 171
Great post!


BS-me
1 child

Matthew 5:44 (CEV)
"But I tell you to love your enemies and pray for anyone who mistreats you"

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 182 guests, and 55 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
BuckeyeGrad, A12345bc, light124, DORA SMITH, Itstiffanyluv2u
71,769 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,562
Posts2,322,996
Members71,769
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5