What a night. OWH called me last night asking me to provide more information about the exchange between her and WH. Apparently she denied everything claiming that this is only a friendship and that she sees WH only in the hallways of the school. He wanted proof that they actually had sex, which I could not provide. I did send him copies of many e-mails in which they profess love for each other but apparently OWH needed more than that. OW also told him that WH is separated/divorced and that I am a psycho and emotionally unstable.

I am thinking about sending her a link to a photo album which show us as a family. I am going to send the same link to WH lest he forgets who we were/are as a family.

Any ideas how to phrase a powerful message to her?

I will also e-mail the link to OWH husband. I think they all should know the face of the people that this adultery impacted.

Can you clarify this conversation between you and OWH, please?

You told OWH that your H and his wife are having an affair. You sent him emails in which OW and your H profess love for each other.

OW tells her H that their relationship is just a friendship and they only see each other in the hallways at school. Her H at least partially believes her and is doubtful about the fact that this is an affair. Th emails professing love are not evidence enough for him that the relationship is more than "passing in the hallway". Is that correct?

Only because you want OWH to see the seriousness of the situation and put pressure on his wife to end the affair, I suggest you make one more (and only one more) attempt to sway OWH. Tell him you do not have evidence of the sexual act, but remind him that emails professing love show more than just a passing friendship. Tell him that your H has moved out because he loves OW an that he is perfectly open about this to you. Invite him to contact your H and ask for his side of the story. Tell him that his own marriage is at risk if he does not see the seriousness of his wife's involvement with another man.

Then leave it that that, and do not try any more to convince him. There is no guarantee that exposure to anybody will result in the individual putting pressure on the affair. Although we might be completely astonished by his response, it might be the case that this BH would rather look the other way if it means not upsetting his wife, who hasn't admitted the affair or left him yet.

I cannot believe, BTW, that there is nothing in any of the emails that points to a sexual affair. They must have said something along the lines of how wonderful it felt to be together last Thursday, or how amazing it feels to be in the other's arms. You should try interpreting them once again and giving this H your interpretation. But do not expend energy trying to make him see the obvious. You have done your job. His marriage from here on is up to him.

The problem with the evidence is that when I discovered the A through a string of e-mails that indicated a PA and confronted WH, he admitted everything and begged me to reconcile. We had a pretty good two weeks when he was a model husband and things looked hopeful. I felt that to be able to trust him again, I could not let the evidence exist as I would constantly be reminded about this dark past, so I shredded it. Now, I regret it.

OWH also told him that OW does not have any feelings for her H. So, it appears she is sending mixed messages about her commiment to the marriage. She said that she feels a

OWH asked me for evidence that they continued to be in contact after he confronted her yesterday afternoon and I did provide it to him.

Thank you so much for your suggestions, Sugar. I will contact OWH one more time.

OW won't care, but OWH might so it wouldn't hurt.


Then tell OWH that. He's not dumb, but might be playing dumb because he doesn't want to believe the worst about OW. That's his issue, he'll see the truth eventually.

You're doing great, by the way. I imagine you'll hear from your WH about all of this before too long.

Did you email the college/employer about WH and OW? Do that this morning if you haven't already before they get a chance to spin it on Monday.

Remember that electronic data can so easily be recovered, quo. If you "shredded" the emails it sounds as if you mean the paper copies.

Do you have access to the email account itself? Look in the "sent" and "deleted" folders to see if the emails are there. Failing that, see if the account provider (e.g. hotmail) can recover the emails.

Wow. You sure set the bar low when it comes to trust.

Yeah, I am ashamed how low I set the bar and how I have been enabling him. Pathetic! I definitely do not have access to the old e-mails -- they all have been deleted and accounts closed down. I explained this to OWH -- he is still very conflicted: on one hand he says he doesn't care, on the other he keeps asking for more proof. I told him to request her cell phone records. I am sure she communicated with WH at his hotel by phone. He said it will take him a few days to receive these from the phone company.

I know how easy it is to set the bar low. I have done it. We want to trust our WS about things, but since they are Waywards, everything that comes from their mouth is a lie. That was one of the things I have struggled with myself. Set your bar higher, expect more from him by way of his actions and not his words. Listen to the vets, they are here to help and keep you on the right path. Expect the high and lows, they will come frequently and fast. Keep breathing, keep reading. Hugs to you. I know this is tough.

How do you close down an email account, quo? I have no idea how this is done. I know that if you let them lapse by not using them they disappear, but how do you close them down?

quo, does he understand that your husband has admitted they slept together and that he is in love with her?

I sent OWH another e-mail in which I presented the timeline of their affair and more information supporting the fact that they had a PA. Although I shredded the original e-mails, there was a unique and personal fact about OW mentioned in one of them that should prove to OWH that the affair was indeed physical.

E-mail accounts, at least those with gmail or yahoo can be cancelled any time.

I have also sent an album of our family's photos to OWH. Adultery has a dehumanizing effect on perpetrators and their families. I hope seeing us as a real and happy family will put things in a proper perspective.

You did good, quo! Can you refresh my memory? Has this affair been exposed to your H's parents and other family members?

Can they be reactivated?

Not sure about re-activation.Yes, the A has been exposed to both sets of OW parents and my WH father.

Should have said "to OW parents and OWH parents."

What about your husbands parents and family members?

Never mind, I think you mean it has been exposed to his father? What about his mother and other family members? Will his father speak to him?

quo, you didn't actually answer my question about how you cancelled this account.

You are doing the same thing with not being specific when asked about what you said to OWH. It would be much easier for all if you just answer questions fully and not obliquely. It is hard for me to understand how a man could be told that his wife is having an affair, and be sent emails showing love messages, and not believe that something serious is going on, but I haven't manage to get from you exactly what you said and exactly why he didn't believe it.

Anyway, here is what gmail says about recovering deleting data:

I want to retrieve my deleted account

Residual copies of deleted messages and accounts may take up to 60 days to be deleted from our active servers and may remain in our backup systems. If you delete your Gmail address but wish to have it back, we work to help you recover your deleted accounts whenever possible. However, within a few weeks' time, accounts are usually no longer retrievable. Note that a successful recovery will only recover the username associated with the account.

The reason I am harping on about this is because I am trying to explore whether you can get this data back. You need this data as evidence, which sadly, you might need in the future.

Excellent. I think you are getting your spark back post-exposure, because this shows cool thinking.

Another thing you could do for OWH is provide him with dates the APs were together. This may join up with lame and suspicious excuses she gave him to get him out of the way.

WH Father has been told. His mother is diceased. I don't know how I can recover WH's closed gmail account as I don't have his password. He deleted all messages and closed the account at DT so it has been 1.5 months. I have not notified WH family because his is the only child and not close to his cousins. They do not have any sphere of influence of him.

Sugar, it is also hard for me to understand how OW can convince OWH that this is purely a friendship without any physical contact or even meetings in his office. It is absurd. The e-mails that I sent to him were full of declarations of love, missing each other and terms of indearment. She is giving him conflicting information claiming first that it is purely a friendship and WH is obsessed with her (which is actually true), that he is divorced/separated (not true until 10/30 when I kicked him out) and that she feels nothing for her H. OWH wanted proof that after he confronted her and she told him that she will never contact WH again, she actually did contact him again and was in touch by phone. I provided him with this information.

As to the physical vs. emotional affair, I think that cultural differences are coming into play here due to their specific ethnic background which has a more male-dominated culture. I think in his eyes, or the eyes of his community, the comission of physical adultery is much more grave that any emotional engagement.

As to OWH, I am going to compile a list of potential PA contact dates, and hotel numbers so that when he obtains her cell phone records, he could cross reference that information.