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"I am exposing after the holiday.

For selfish reasons, I don't want to ruin my child's memory, because she seems to intend to do that for the next one."

This makes me sad, and very frustrated. I don't get it. At all.

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Holidays = leverage. When you put pressure on the wayward via exposure, and they start to see what's really at stake, they are more likely to turn. Holidays bring up the need for connection and family. What better time to expose to bring home the reality of all that she's about to lose?

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Paternity suit public record, SQ.


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??

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Makes no sense...

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Originally Posted by Surfer88
Makes no sense...


What makes no sense, 88 ?


SQ asked,
Originally Posted by SusieQ
And just who told you that OMW was cheating?

And the answer is:
Paternity suit public record. The public record lists one party = OMEX and the other party = Not OM.

I did draw a conclusion, but based on the preceding.

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Gotcha.

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DD,

GMJ just exposed and is having results and is killing the affair.

Waiting will do nothing and making her deal with the holidays alone has huge consequences.

But the reality is that your kid probably already senses something is up.

Seriously, I feel like you're going to give us another excuse for not exposing after the holiday.

Next time it will be: I'll wait till the New Year. I'll wait till after Valentine's Day. I'll wait till after Flag Day. I'll wait till after the Fourth of July. I'll wait till after labor day. I'll wait till the school year is out.

There is never a good time to expose. Just do it and quit being so afraid of it. It's the only way you will kill this thing.

Instead, now your WW has some holiday memory she'll be able to make with OM.

I'm can see it already, "OM. I love you so much. I'm so thankful on this day that you're in my life. I can't wait till we're together soon once I get rid of my idiot BH."

Wake up. Stop letting the affair get more entrenched.

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It IS true that out of the 365 days in a year....many are special in some way.







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Originally Posted by DevotedDad
I am exposing after the holiday.

For selfish reasons, I don't want to ruin my child's memory, because she seems to intend to do that for the next one.
The holidays can be the BEST time to reveal to your child the truth behind why her family's world has seemed upended. If you expose prior to the holidays, you will force your WW's hand. If she moves out she will miss the ENs she would get from holiday traditions of family interactions. It would be a very cold, very sad thing for her. Waywards don't like cold, sad things.

I appreciate that you are trying to protect your child, but in reality your inaction is placing her family security in jeopardy. Why would you jeopardize your child so she can open Christmas presents while mommy and daddy pretend to be happy? Don't you realize that she'll always have this Christmas to remember as when mommy and daddy PRETENDED to be happy? Do you think that will make her feel secure with you in the future? For her to know that you are willing to deceive her about her reality?

Regardless. DD, you have continued to strike me as someone who has no intention of using any plan except Plan DD. You are betting everything on the hope that your WW will suddenly wake up and mend her ways. That will probably not happen. Don't be a liar in your daughter's eyes when the truth does, indeed, come out.

Last edited by maritalbliss; 11/19/11 10:33 PM.

D-Day 2-10-2009
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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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I think I'm missing something here. I don't understand why people are delaying exposure. I exposed about two days after D Day. I couldn't WAIT to expose, to throw some water on the raging inferno of the affair. For me, anything was better than doing NOTHING. Exposure is the biggest weapon a BS has in fighting the affair, because it brings reality and truth with it. There are no guarentees exposure will kill the affair immediately, but it is guarenteed the affair won't die immediately by doing nothing.

Imagine your WW's affair is a bomb. There is a bomb in your house. It is ticking and is going to destroy your life and what you hold dear if you can't diffuse it. You know the bomb is there. You don't know when the bomb might explode. You know this bomb is going to cause harm to your family. Instead of calling in the bomb squad immediately (by exposing to all who can influence the outcome), you choose to wait to make that phone call. Because alerting your family and friends to the bomb just doesn't suit you right now. You want your child to feel happy over the holiday, and will tell her about the bomb later. Your child will be able to work out that you knew there was a bomb ticking over the holiday, but pretended there wasn't.

Maybe a bad analogy, but just trying to give you a wake-up call. DD, you are delaying the bomb squad FOR A TIME THAT SUITS YOU BETTER!!!


Me (BW): 35
Married 1999 with no kids, DDay July 2011, OC born September 2012, Divorce final November 2012.

WXH (Gollum) is corrupted by his A, and now forever bound to it.

Plan B has set me free.

"Mourn the man he was. Know the man he is."
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Cara, thank you for chiming in. The problem that DD is wrestling with is his fear of his wife. Until he is against the wall and is losing everything, he will dangle helplessly. He's waiting for his WW to call the shots. Unfortunately.


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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I hope DD reads GJM's thread.

EXPOSE, EXPOSE, EXPOSE!


Me (BW): 35
Married 1999 with no kids, DDay July 2011, OC born September 2012, Divorce final November 2012.

WXH (Gollum) is corrupted by his A, and now forever bound to it.

Plan B has set me free.

"Mourn the man he was. Know the man he is."
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Originally Posted by DevotedDad
I am exposing after the holiday.

For selfish reasons, I don't want to ruin my child's memory, because she seems to intend to do that for the next one.

Thats up to you. Sometimes people have to make their own mistakes to see what's what.

Do you really think the people on these boards have not experienced dealing with an A on an important day?

Try it, and before you start saying you dont want to expose before Christmas - really examine the success of the day.

You and WW with forced plastic smiles. Her going out of the room to text OM about how she wishes she were really with him etc. You trying to look like you havent been kicked in the gut. Your child realising how tense you all are and wondering if it is their fault.

Or you both do a really great job of pretending all is fine. You do a really great job of lying to your child. A great job LYING.

I dont think you understand the dynamics of adultery at all. A holiday feeds the drama of an A. The whole 'I wish I was with you REALLY - but I cant because of the children' then the AP goes - 'Oh I know, I understand because I am such a sensitive soul. I only want whats best for your child too'

You are actively propping up this fantasy in her head by agreeing to put on a fake holiday for your child with her.

She is over the moon that you are agreeing to help her in her deceptions.

On the other hand, if EVERYONE knows - she is forced to face what she is doing to her family.

You can wait to do it, but while you do the afair partners grow closer, feed each other more dramatic garbage, the affair becomes more entrenched. Having to spend a special day apart in particular, makes them long for each other.

Think about it.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Is it Christmas or Thanksgiving that you are waiting to expose after? Not that it matters much but a month more of letting WW and OM to get closer would destroy you and your marriage.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

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I'm no expert here, but I'm going through the same thing as you and everyone else here. I was worried about exposing the A because I was worried about the holidays as well. I have 3 children in this. My WW and I planned on sharing Thanksgiving and Christmas together to try to keep us as a family. What I didn't realize is that with an A still ongoing, the WW isn't missing out on anything. She's having her cake and eating it too. I finally exposed the A and also figured that she may miss us because now she doesn't have anyone to turn to and the holidays are supposed to be special. Children are smart too. My DS11 knew prior to me telling him about the A. When I told him, he said "mom is taking advantage of you and you should cut her off so she sees how hard it is without us." I was surprised to hear him say this, but children are smarter than we give credit for. I hope you stop waiting to expose because you're giving your WW a special memory with the OM. They will share the holidays together in their hearts and grow stronger. Your pain won't go away when you expose, but you will get some relief. You owe it to your child and your marriage. My WWs family hasn't supported me, but they know I wasn't the one who caused this. The truth shall set you free.


Me: BH 36
Her: WW 34
Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9
DDay 1-6/2009
DDay 2-9/2011
DDay 3-11/2011
Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011
Divorce final May 24, 2012
My Story



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Originally Posted by Scotland
Is it Christmas or Thanksgiving that you are waiting to expose after? Not that it matters much but a month more of letting WW and OM to get closer would destroy you and your marriage.


Thanksgiving.

After considering it more, any impact from pre T vs. post T, might come from OM side given there is no respect for "family" on either my or WS side.

We always do our own thing.....which she's already indicated "I'm not sure how I feel about cooking'. Which would mean, pre T from WS side will guarantee a negative experience for our child.



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Been a while since I have logged in - but wanted to chime in about my experience with exposure. This statement is so true

Quote
My DS11 knew prior to me telling him about the A. When I told him, he said "mom is taking advantage of you and you should cut her off so she sees how hard it is without us." I was surprised to hear him say this, but children are smarter than we give credit for.

In my situation - my sons (16&22) at the time - went to visit the OM and basically told him to buzz off. They were trying prevent me from knowing - fearful that I would go extreme if I found out. Meanwhile - I was working on my own plan. I'd been ignoring the truth because it was just to painful to accept.

In short - their relationship with their mother is still strong - they were protecting her and their family. Kids have a huge stake in their family's well being - its the only family they have. BTW - affair was broken immediately - their exposure/confrontation was definately a bucket of ice cold water poured on the lovebirds.


Me:52
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2 Sons (29 & 23)
1 Dtr (20)
1 GDtr (2.5) precious little girl
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Quote
We always do our own thing.....which she's already indicated "I'm not sure how I feel about cooking'. Which would mean, pre T from WS side will guarantee a negative experience for our child.
It sounds like your child is going to have a negative experience either way.

Pre-holiday exposure could make for some interesting table talk at OM's house. Consider that it might make for a pretty negative holiday experience for HIM.

Get it done, DD. You are fiddling while Rome burns.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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WS removed any reservation I had about PreT vs. PostT.

Tonight, WS made it clear that in her mind being with the OM is her priority above everything else including the pleas of our child to "don't go out". WS response was to dismissively chuckle and say "Oh, You're being silly." "See you guys in the morning."

WS knows I will not confront and make a scene in front of our child.....and I did not react to avoid making our already anxious child even more so, and enabling WS to say "he's only acting that way because of what you said."

Call it denial, or naivity I have attributed WS abnormal and abhorant behavior as characteristic of being in an affair. But as time has passed, and the selfishness and callousness has exponentially increased I'm beginning to question if it's less influence of the affair, and simply huge character flaws that will never change.

How do you know which is the more likely scenario ?


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