Ok,another development in this saga and I need help once again. Yesterday I sent to WH, OW and OWH an link to an online photo album of a dozen or so of pictures of our family that I selected specifically for this purpose. In my message to OW attaching the link I said that adultery has a dehumanizing effect on the perpertrators and consequently on their families but I wanted her to know that our family is still standing strong full of humanity, pride and grace.

Today, I received a reply from her in which she stated that she knows about my adulterous affair and that I should get off my high horse. This is a total lie. Should I confront WH about what lies he has been feeding this psycho? Should I dignify OW's message with a response?

You should politely respond and tell her that she apparently has been told a lie, that you have not ever had an affair.

"Sally, I received your message about my "affair" and wanted to assure you that this is a complete fabrication; I have never had an affair. It appears that WS lies to you also. I imagine there are many other lies you have been told in addition to this whopper. I would suggest you question everything he tells you."

and be sure and cc your husband and her husband.

quo, if I were in your shoes, I would go into Plan B BEFORE Christmas and not after. Going into Plan B before Christmas has a very dramatic effect on the WS and gives him a chance to envision the true consequences of his actions. It shows him his future as a divorced man. In this case, it would be extremely effective because he can't see or speak to the OW and he be putting pressure on her to CHOOSE. I predict she is not going to choose and this would cause great conflict in the affair.

One of the reasons your H wants to do it this way is so he doesn't have to FACE the consequences of his affair. He wants to spend Christmas with you and play "happy family" and be "friends" while planning on dumping you and son for his skank. I would force him to do this earlier and NOT give him any benefits of the family he DUMPED at Christmas. Can you even imagine what it will be like to have to sit there on Christmas day with this hostile man who you know is planning to leave you for his "soul mate schmoopie??" I cannot think of a worse way to spend your Christmas.

As far as the effects on your son, it is in your son's best interest for you to go into Plan B sooner rather than later, because a) that protects his mother's mental health and b) it has a greater influence on the outcome of his parents marriage.

So no, from a strategic standpoint, your best bet is to go into Plan B the week of December 12th. I would start working that right now in this way. DON'T give him a date. Just DEMAND that he ends his affair and commits to a program of recovery or he moves out. If he doesn't move out by the week of the fifth, I would file divorce/separation to get him out before Christmas. It is likely, though, that you can persuade him to get out on your own before then, though. Most WS just move out asked persistently.

Another key reason for this is he will drive you crazy. You won't be able to tolerate being around him emotionally. Women can only take 3 to 4 weeks of Plan A before they start expereincing severe emotional and physical problems. And it will happen FAST. That is not fair to your son because you are all he has. He needs you to be in good emotional shape for him.

And if she replies with more vitriol, I would forward it to your husband and say "please tell your adultery partner to stop sending me this vitriol. I have done nothing wrong and don't deserve to be treated like this."

I would add: "I would like to see copies of any documentation of my alleged affair so that I can properly bring legal action against the person who is attempting to commit slander and libel against me."

Q. After this last reply to OW, I would plan B OW and ignore anything further from her. Remember, this is a woman who is willing to sleep with another woman's husband and to destroy two families in the process. She knows what she is doing is wrong. She does not care. If she continues to attack you, it will only start to make her look petty and vindictive.

She does not deserve any space in your head and will only pull you down.

Focus on you and your own family. Hold your head high.

Agree with pokerface. After this forward everything to your husband and ignore that vile skank. I think in this one instance you have a unique opportunity to show her that your H has lied to HER.

WH responded to my forwarding her message to him stating that what she referred to was what he told her about my brief engagement while I was single and in my early twenties with a married man who was estranged from his wife and had no kids. I am speechless. Notwithstanding the serious error in judgement that I exhibited a quarter century ago, years before I even met my WH, I am shocked that she had to fall so low and had to resort to bringing up "dirt" against me from so many years ago.

WH also told me that if I want to preserve our family's dignity I should cease engaging in any exchange with her or her husband, and WH and I we should resolve our differences on civil terms. He also indicated that I have alienated OWH, who should have been my ally, and who, WH claims, has contacted him and implored him to stop his "deranged wife." Thoughts?

Q. I have been exactly where you are. I understand the shock and the need to clear your name. The crazy thing is that OWH knew me as a personal friend and still believed that I was some psycho unstable person. Well duh...of course I became unstable when I found OW was sneaking around with my husband. It is amazing how someone can ignore the facts in front of them when in denial.

My OW was very vindictive and manipulative like your OW. I found my best line of defense was to go NC with them and focus on my WH. Do not give them any more reason to paint you as the bad guy.

However, I would share with OWH any concrete proof of an A or of continued contact. I would also make sure that OWH understands that you are separated BECAUSE WH sees OW as a "cosmic connection" and refuses to go NC. Be sure OWH hears that from you before you write him off.

You have gotten very good advice here about going Plan B and showing your WH the reality of divorce. I also strongly agree that the holidays would be a great time to let this reality sink in when he spends it alone. Do you understand Plan B and how to do it effectively?

Here is a link to help you prepare for Plan B.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2482787#Post2482787

Post your Plan B letter here for help in editing and wording.

Hang in there. You are doing great.

Don't believe anything your WH says. If his lips are moving, then he is lying.

Believe only what you can personally verify.

Step back and think WHY would your husband say that?

To get you to back off, of course.

Why would he want you to back off?

Because you're hitting the mark.

It's straight out of the wayward playbook, actually. Their goal is to get you to drop it and let them have their affair in peace.

So keep the pressure up. Did you ever talk with OWH on the phone since the intercepted email from OW?

Oh, and do your Plan B before Christmas like Melody said. Your WH sitting alone in a hotel room on Christmas Day will have a big impact and is probably your best bet at the moment.

It is amazing how effective exposure can be in destabilizing WH's affair. WH was told by OWH to stop contacting and harassing her, claiming that WH's physical affair with OW are WH's obsessive delusions and a figment of his imagination. OWH told him that OW loves her husband and is staying in the marriage, and WH should focus on me and stop his obsession with OW and stop making unsubstantiated claims of physical involvement with OW.

Here is my plan for the next couple of weeks:

Return to family home in one week after spending the holidays separately with our respective families. Upon return home, stay in Plan A for two weeks, if WH continues obsessing with OW and refuses to seek reconciliation with me, proceed with Plan B as of mid December.

I have not talked to OWH on the phone. I only know that he communicated with WH via e-mail from OW's e-mail address with the message that I described above.

Now that WH knows that the affair is essentially over, based on OWH's communications, I wonder if he would be motivated to stay in Plan A. Funny, before receiving OWH's communications, he told his father that OW was going to leave her H for him. Or could it it be possible that OW is communicating with WH about her plans to leave her H, while OWH is communicating with WH about their plans to stay together?

They are trying their best to keep you away from the OWH. Do you see that? Can you get ahold of him? Don't you have his parents numbers? I would call his mother and see if she can help.

The plan is to go further underground and keep the affair going. OW probably told your WH she needed more time.

Have you read Surviving an Affair? That book explains the dynamics of affairs and outlines Plan A and Plan B. I don't think you have a proper understanding of Plan A. Plan A is a completely one sided, SHORT TERM plan that you execute while he is still in the affair. Your WH does not participate.

I agree you wayward is just trying to get you to believe the affair is over, they will resume after the dust settles.............Is your husband upset? If he is not he is playing you........
I agree know what your job is in Plan A, do that leave a good impression on your wayward and then move onto Plan B if the conditions of the rebuilding the marriage are not met by your wayward.........
He will have to chose one life or the other.............the sooner the better..........

I don't know if and how much WH is upset with the apparent breakup of the A. At the moment he is visiting his family and I am mine. We had only one communication by e-mail that I described above which was a reaction to OW's e-mail to me. He is and will be for the next several weeks hundreds of miles away from OW and the only mode of communication for them would be e-mail, which apparently OWH is monitoring closely.

I haven't read the book. I will try to get it ASAP.

They have numerous ways of maintaining contact. For example, the OW could call him from another phone line while she is out or she could have a secret email account. There are so many possible ways.

Have you had any luck getting through to the OWH?

Is there a reason you are visiting your families separately? Is that usual?

...probably because it isn't broken up. I wouldn't even begin to consider it "ended" yet. That's just what they would like you to think, though, so that you'll quit bothering them (WH and OW) about it.