Tescon, you told us on your other thread that your wife is having an affair. You not only described the affair in detail, but in subsequent posts, you admitted it was an emotional affair. [which is actually WORSE than a physical affair] This is not a "male friend," but an affair partner.

And using the word "allow" in conjunction with an adult woman is inappropriate since you don't have the power to allow her to do or not do anything. But what is pertinent is that it is INAPPROPRIATE for married women to have "friendships" with members of the opposite sex outside of marriage. Any married woman who does that is reckless with her marriage and any married man who tolerates that does not care very much about his wife. That is how affairs start. But you already know that.

And of course you are "insecure." Your wife is reckless and thoughtless to your marriage. You should be insecure when your wife is having an affair.

Asking us to ignore the affair is like the captain of the Titanic asking us to help fix the squeeky door to his cabin while the ship sinks. That is what you are doing. Sweeping the real problem under the rug will not EVER resolve your marital problems. And asking others to help you in this subterfuge is like asking us to push the car up the hill with the parking brake on.

There is nothing we can do to help you unless and until you address the affair.

Tecson, your wife's behavior is an affair. You are just wanting to call it something different. It's like when a man and woman go out to lunch and say it's "not dating." It doesn't make it not dating just because they call it something different. You know?

The best way we can help you is to highlight the problem for you and help you focus on solving it. Your emotions are going to lead you to want to sweep it under the rug or make some other similarly self-destructive choice.

Your wife wants to date other men and wants to call it something besides "dating" and wants you to be okay with it and wants you not to tell her you are bothered by it.

I can see why this would cause insecurity. In your entire life, not just your relationship.

If she's more interested in her relationships with other men than she is in your marriage, then she probably doesn't care if she spends you into debt. I can see why that would bother you!

It's not "controlling" to tell your spouse you are bothered by their behavior. Look at the Policy of Joint Agreement (which you'd see in the Basic Concepts, if I could get you to read them), in a good marriage, the two of you would only do things that both of you are enthusiastic about. It's not controlling to expect that. Controlling would be expecting your spouse to do things that she is not enthusiastic about, or vice versa.

First of all thankyou for trying to helpful

Second of all I never said that she was having an emotional affair, I said there was a small possibility that it may be an emotional affair, however there is a far larger possibility it is not. We have spoke in massive detail about it and at every part of the way she has been extremely honest and has told me about what she talks about with him. She always ask me for if it's ok if she sees him, and made the very valid point in my mind at least that if he was a she there wouldn't be a problem. She has never seen him without me knowing and becuase of looking after the kids there is no way she could sneak off to see him. She is actively trying to assist him to get back together with his girlfriend and his girlfriend would like to meet her as part of being a friend. She thinks he's a chauvanistic pig and has poor attitudes to women who he is romantically involved with. Yes this is what set alarm bells off in my head about our marriage. But your going to have to trust me that I'm satisfied there is nothing going on in that way and treat this situation that thedre is nothing going on. If you truly believe that it is inappropiate for women to have male friends then I'm sorry but I'm from the 21st century way of thinking. If our relationship was in a good place and I felt more secure then I wouldn't feel jealous.

You are using the word 'allow' out of context, allowed was in terms of societal thinking rather than me personally allowing her.

Well, apparently you know better than Dr. Harley.

Good luck to you, sir.

Thankyou for the advice all, I'm off to bed as I'm in the UK.

You are the falling down drunk who comes to the AA meeting and tells the sober people how it should done. Your belief that it is appropriate for married women to have "friendships" with opposite sex members outside of marriage is ruining your marriage. It would be one thing if your beliefs worked for you, but they don't.

Your marriage is on the rocks, your wife is having an affair [by your own admission] and you have been booted out of your home. Your best thinking got you to this terrible place, my friend.

We are trying to help you but there is nothing we can do if you are in denial of the real problem.

Are you snooping on your wife to see what she discusses with this man? Do you have a keylogger on her computer and spyware on her phone? If its not an affair, doing those things might rule it out.

What is the 21st Century divorce rate?

Please listen to the alarm bells you are equipped with. This is an important alert system, friend.


You have described a situation where a man and a woman discuss personal problems at a deep level.

Guess what men and women discuss with each other when they have affairs?


It's not about sexism, Tecson ... it's inappropriate for a married man to have female friends, as well.

There are people here who have seen hundreds of affairs, know what the road looks like, and can tell you exactly where your wife is on the road. Human beings can actually be pretty predictable. ALL OF US would have affairs under certain circumstances.

Hi all, I've got to go to work in a minute but there are a few other points I need to correct. I wasn't booted out but I suggested for me to sleep elsewhere for a couple of weeks but I still see my wife and kids at least once per day however it gives me a couple of hours of clarity every day.

I can see what you guys are saying about the emotional affair, I truly can and to a point I agree as I can see that he meets some of her emotional needs at the moment whereas I am not. While this is obviously very upsetting to me, due to the reasons that I've previously explained about how it's not been hidden and has been quite open and honest about what they talk about I do believe she doesn't realise whats happening and doesn't know that it's wrong. It's not like a sexual affair where you know that it's wrong but you still do it. I've been looking up emotional affairs and most of what's explained does NOT fit however, I do realise that she is too close too him. If your definition of an emotional affair is that then yes BUT I prefer to not call it that and I do not believe it is as serious as that.

You can prefer to not call lymphoma cancer, and it will still kill you.

Dude. She let you leave because it gives her more time and opportunity to test drive her new boy toy.

And she KNOWS it's wrong, because she knows how she is feeling toward him, and what it has done to her marriage.

How about you quit bullsh***ing, and start affair killing?

Unless you want to be a divorced father.

Ok, it seems we have some kind of agreement about what the situation is, we may varying opinions on the scale of the emotional affair but I'm not sure that matters. My question is what to do next? How do I make her see it? because I'm really sure on a conscious level she doesn't. I get the feeling she is starting to and desperetly trying to defend it and has convinced herself that it is just being good friends and she thinks she's trying to save a friendship and not having an emotional affair. My other question is should I move back home now rather than Sunday?

Tecson,

First of all, you need to go back home, why would you think that leaving your home is going to solve anything? Secondly, is your wife a licensed social worker? if not, why is she getting involved in her "friend's" marital problems, especially since she isn't able to solve the problems in her own marriage? This is a recipe for disaster. There have been several posters here whose partner's affairs started for this very reason. As far as this guy being a "chauvinist pig" - if that were true why would your wife want to associate with him or help him with his relationship with his girlfriend? Does this really make sense to you? Perhaps you ought to take a step back and look at your situation objectively bvecause it seems you can't see the forest for the trees.

I think the whole story is a blivet - a blivet is 10 lbs of horse manure stuffed into a 5 lb bag. You're being gaslighted and it looks like you're swallowing it hook, line, and sinker.

I would lay money down that this is already a PA. I would read everything there is on the snooping board and quietly start to gather intel on what is really happening in your marriage.

Now. Today. Don't announce that you're moving back, just show up with your stuff. Move into the master bedroom - it's your room, right? If she has a problem she can sleep on the couch. Don't be confrontational - be cheerful and happy to see her. Have something cooking that smells good (or if you can't cook, get some good take-out).

I echo the other comments that this is an EA that has gone PA. The sooner you quit deluding yourself and finding excuses as to why it can't be an A, the sooner you can attack it and get OM out of your marriage.

Snoop! VAR in the car. Keyloggers on her phone and any computers in the home. Check the snooping thread for recommendations.

Your wife is having an affair, Tecson. And I would wager it is a physical affair. Women don't usually replace their husbands over mere EA's, even though EA's are more powerful than PA's and EA is just the first step before the PA.

Here is what you should do:

1. go home today. Without warning. Move right back into your own bedroom. you have no reason to leave your home

2. DO not accuse or ask if she is having an affair - but start SPYING on her. Slip a keylogger on her computer, put a tap on your phone and put spyware on her cell phone. GET THE GOODS.

Once you get the goods, then come back here and we will help you with next steps. Also, if your wife wants to run off to visit with some man, start acting like a HUSBAND and tell her that is inappropriate and you won't stand for that disrespect anymore. You and your wife have very inappropriate behaviors for a married couple. When you are married, you no longer act like single people. Your complicity with her destructive behavior is a big part of the problem.

This is the issue. Your wife is not in love with you and she is having some of her needs met by someone else. She is also spending time meeting his needs, when she could be using that time to meet yours. It will be impossible for you two to fall back in love with each other while this is happening.

In order for you two to be in love, you need to be meeting all of each others emotional needs, her relationship with this man is blocking that from happening. Step 1, stop him from meeting her needs, step 2, you meet her needs.

Also, in order for you to expertly meet each other's needs, you need to be under the same roof. Move back in today!

Hi, I'm back, as usual I've been very greatful for the advice.

So the last few weeks have been hell for me, here's an overview.

As I've said before although I was living elsewhere I've seen my wife everyday because of the kids and we even went out shopping together the other day. Through all of this I've tried to have heart to hearts with her and very very slowly I've been able to force out her feelings and things that I've done to upset her in the past. Throughout it all I've been getting red flags, like saying she wish I wouldn't blame him for our problems as it started way before he came along, which sounded to me like she was trying to justify her behaviour and it's amazing how we had the I love you but I'm not in love with you talk when things came to a head.

Also she says she and him have hardly texted in the last few weeks because he pissed her off about something and she has only seen him once which was this Wednesday and she was back earlier than usual. I see this as perhaps it's starting to dawn on her that this is wrong and shes withdrawing from him. It's worth pointing out that she can't see him without me knowing due to childcare issues.

I've spent the whole time trying to believe her and trying to be a good husband and do what I thought was right, I've supported their friendship all along and trying to believe her justifications for things. I even convinced myself at one point that I had delusional jealousy and that it was all me, but all along it would keep eating away at me that something wasn't right. She has another male friend who she has been out with once or twice but met up with other friends as well and while I did feel jealous about that it was not anywhere near the same league as this.

Last night after another one of our chats, which was me trying to force her thoughts out of her, it just got me really angry, I just wanted her to admit to it but she didn't and it always feels like shes holding something back, like shes not telling me the whole truth. After that I went back to the other house for an hour or so and just got really angry and found my nuts (sorry if that upsets anyone) and rang her and said I'm coming round, so I went round with my pillows and told her I'm moving back in and I'm not happy at all about her friendship with him.

Not surprisingly she went off the wall, slamming doors, crying, pulling her hair out. She went to our bedroom and an hour later I went upstairs and told her I'm sleeping in OUR bed. So she stormed off downstairs and slept on the sofa last night.

This morning, I went downstairs and she had left her engagement ring, wedding ring and eternity ring on top of the microwave and she went to work today without wearing them, which hurts!

I can see that he is meeting some of her emotional needs which is what finally convinced me that this is more than just a friendship but I can't help but feel that how shes it,just a really good friendship (shes already called him her best friend!), so at the moment she thinks I'm trying to break up a friendship rather than anything else and she absolutely hates me for it.

So what next? I keep wanting to let him know what he is doing to us and I keep wanting to let her sister know as hopefully she'll slap some sense into her but there is also the risk that her sister will be taken in by all the lies my wife has convinced herself with.