Thanks! And I realize that even when folks here are getting on me about hesitating etc that it's all meant well. Some are effective and some just discourage me, however I'm sure all are sent with the best intentions.

I don't like sitting on the sidelines while this is happening! I am losing respect for myself each day! BUT that doesn't make it any easier to do this.... well, actually it does, but it's still difficult to do this with my kids over the phone.

Giraffe6

Just do it. You're killing yourself with the thinking.

As my wise, younger brother likes to say, "sometimes being smart is a huge liability".

Expose to your children first maybe that will be enough to jolt your wife back into reality you need their help, they can text her, email her, call her from where they are.........the sooner the better, believe the news will be awful no matter when it actually happens, in an email, phone or in person.....
It will hurt no matter what, tell them you need their help to keep your family in tact. they will help..........
I know it was the part I dreaded as well but it was a relief for me to have everything in the open and all that was left was honesty.........
you need to get to that.

What difference does it make whether you do it in person or over the phone? It really makes no difference.

Thanks for the post.... I don't agree with this one. Maybe for some people it doesn't matter, but for my kids it matters. At least that's the case with me. I have thought about telling them over the phone today because I do like the idea of exposing before Thanksgiving. But I am just not comofortable doing this over the phone. I will tell the OM ex and my FIL over the phone but I want to talk with my kids face to face to give them this news. Sorry, it's not a stall tactic, it's what I'm comfortable with. But I appreciate your opinion.

G6, Let's play this out. So, you expose to your boys on Thanksgiving or the night before.

Some predictions:

You tell them, they are upset, and at least one of them begs you not to expose to anyone else (because you will have told them that THIS website �told� you to do so versus owning the decision). You will come back here and tell us that you are reconsidering full exposure because you don't want to further upset your boys. And, you will tell us that you appreciate the advice, but it isn't right for �everyone�. And, that you are still considering exposing, but that you need to think about it more out of respect for your boys, and didn't want to �waste� valuable time with them exposing, and ruining the holiday. And, you don't want them to hate their mother.

But, let's say I am wrong. On Thanksgiving, you decide to expose. Exactly who are you exposing to? I see 2 people. Do you have the Facebook list of targets saved in a Word document? Do you have the actual FB message drafted and saved, ready to cut/copy? Have you practiced/scripted the phone exposure? Doubt this.

But, let's say I am wrong. When you expose to this already compiled list, pre-defined group of people that can possibly have influence on your WW, what is your response going to be when you get replies that �this should be kept private�, etc.? Got your response ready? Doubt this.

But, let's say I'm wrong. After 30 minutes of full exposure is done, when WW blows up your phone with every evil-spewing thing you can imagine to you, your boys, and others do you have your response ready? Doubt this.

Your second post here could be today's latest post. Saving this marriage is going to take incredible STRENGTH, WORK and TIME. I wish that you had it in you. I really do. If you could simply distinguish the difference between doing something "to" your family versus "for" your family, ... ?

Lastly, think about the example you are setting for FOUR young BOYS.

The point is not to make you feel comfortable, though, but to take steps to inform your sons of the problem and conduct an effective, meaningful exposure. That can be done over the phone. No one is EVER "comfortable" exposing an affair so that is a ridiculous standard to apply. If you will only do things that make you feel "comfortable" then you are doomed from the start.

You won't feel "comfortable" doing it in person either. As I said previously, it is more important to your marriage to have this exposure take place BEFORE Thanksgiving than after.

When an exposure is delayed for a silly reason such as this, it is an obvious delay tactic.

Betrayed spouses routinely expose affairs to the other betrayed spouse over the phone or via email and that is a much more traumatic exposure that what you will be doing with your sons. While they will be upset, it is NOTHING compared to the utter devastation experienced by a spouse. Your boys are mostly grown and they certainly don't need their daddy there to hold their hands when they receive upsetting news. Hearing the news over the phone from you gives them a chance to compose themselves, which I am sure they will appreciate.

Even so, there is no justification for delaying the very opportune timing of this exposure. Your sons will benefit MORE from their mother having to face the music on Thanksgiving than from hearing it from you in person.

I will add that this is my last post on this thread. I can tell when someone is not serious about saving their marriage and this is one of those cases. We have so many people on this forum who are serious and really need our help.

Sad, but true.

No getting through.

My last try. I literally sent a single email to everyone. I even apologized for sending in email, saying I would have been tied up for HOURS on the phone.

Trust me, been there. No one will care that you emailed. You can do this in ten minutes. .

What they will care about, and what you should care about is your wifes behaviour. End of discussion. No sugar coating needed.

Good luck sir. This fights already over unless you do this.

Alright, let me preface this by saying I'm a newbie here. My words carry no weight and no water whatsoever.

That being said, if I had the resources of this community back then, I may have been able to save what I have now lost. Not blaming myself for her actions, but constantly blame myself for my inaction to save what I had, and destroy what was killing it. To this day, I still regret not doing EVERYTHING I could to save this. I simply didn't know how or what to do!

Since I have found this place (just recently BTW), I realize all I did wrong during my marriage, and most certainly what I DIDN'T do to recover it. I became the weak little "please, I'm so sorry!!What can I do to make things right?" Sound familiar????

Do what I didn't do..at least at that time anyway. Stand up, be strong, and, most of all fight for what you ultimately want.

Don't be a pansy, or a wuss, or what ever other deprecating names I can come up with.

Grow a pair and take CONTROL. Your future is in your hands right now. This is your one chance to get it back.

In other words.......

GO NUCLEAR NOW

Your call

WB, I'm with you, buddy. I was just like that as well and all it did was get me divorced.

That may have been the eventual outcome, but it should have come about on MY terms, not the railroad I was forced to ride.

I too ignored the advice given on this board and I have $55k in legal bills to show for it that I'm still paying off.

So, G6, you're getting advice from those who exposed and saved, exposed and didn't save, and those that didn't do anything right.

The one common bond in all of those different posters (besided 20/20 hindsight) is that immediate exposure is the way to go.

I have 3 kids. I see no need to sit them down face to face to give them bad news.

You have adult children. Treat them like adults.

Your marriage has a tumor G6. Right now it's localized and can be easily excised with surgery. Every day that you delay surgery gives the tumor another day to get bigger and spread. If you delay too long, it will become inoperable and your prognosis will become terminal. Your marriage will die a certain death when it could have been easily cured with surgery (exposure) and follow up chemo (the MB program). Fade to black, R.I.P., all because you are afraid of a little post-op discomfort. Easier to just let it die? Believe me, divorce is a LOT more painful, trust me, I KNOW.

It's an uncomfortable process G6, something that no one SHOULD have to go through but often DO. Just gotta muster up the gumption and overcome your fear.

If not, I'll be advising you on the Divorce Board - wonder if you listen to me there?

11 pages of inaction.

Giraffe you are losing valuable sources of advice. Mel has already bailed and she is the most experienced person on here. I too dont have time to advise someone who is hesitant, because hesitation will not get the the job done.

yes it is difficult
uncomfortable
unpleasant
unpredicatable.

but we all did it.

I think I must make this my last post too.

G6, read GJM's thread. You guys were in parallel up until a few days ago. He, like you, was scared. He finally did what needed to be done. Look at where he is now.

Wow it's only been a few days? Seems like an eternity ago. It still hurts, but it's a step forward and it hurts just a little bit less. There is some relief. I doubt it would hurt as much with adult children for me. I think that was my biggest problem; thinking about how young they were and not having both parents. It's definitely made my bond with them stronger though. You can do it man!

I'm not sure I could forgive if my kids were grown. I'd very strongly consider D if the kids were out of the house.

I don't think I could ever deal with this situation ever again.

So, how did your kids take it?

I'm wondering the same.