Moderators, I believe I made a forum faux pas. Could one of you combine this thread with my original thread "big setback? Need advice please"? I think I should have kept one main thread.

Keep scheduling appointments with the Jennifer...
It's the fastest way to get through this.

Come on!

You can do this.....
Hold it together....

Pray for your wife and for yourself.

Everyone that wants to save their marriage goes through this.

WW and I are both making extra efforts to spend quality time with the kids. Quality time was severely lacking in the last couple of months but is far better now.

Sorry for not replying directly to everyone but I'll try to answer questions and give an update:

For our UA time, this week is the first week we've been able to schedule a full 15+ hours ( we work different shifts but W is part time and was picking up extra hours ). We have time set aside for:
Playing board / card games together ( alternating his / her choice of game)
Reading a book out loud to each other then discussing the section we just read
Very basic SF time ( think cuddling with a strict time limit and NO EXPECTATION of more )

More updates on the way. Outta time right now.

Isn't it nice to be wrong sometimes?

Keep posting.

Being wrong never felt so right.

Found a note this morning from W addressed to me. She said:

You've been doing a good job meeting my needs. I'm sorry I haven't been able to meet yours. Don't give up on me.


My plan is to reassure her at the first opportunity that I'm not giving up. I've said as much but I'll say it again.

Could this be a sign that W is starting to come out of the fog?

Questions about notifying OMW. I have tracked down his address but his phone number is unlisted. Should I just send her a letter? Any idea how to make sure she reads it and he doesn't intercept it? OM won't know it's coming but they live in another city and might notice where the letter came from.

Or is there a better way to notify her?

How much detail should I include? I don't have photos or anything but I have dates when they got together. I want to make sure she believes me by including a few facts.

How about paying her a visit? Take every detail you have. She may well ask to see it. Show her as much as she cares to see.

I'm willing to do this but I need to be careful. The trip is about 1.5 - 2 hours one way and the OM is a deputy sharrif in that town. He works odd hours and could make a lot of trouble if he is home or near by. Plus I could show up and find out she's not home. It's a tricky thing.

I thought about sending a certified letter but that might make it more suspicious.

Talk to the post office about sending a certified letter that would require her signature. Find out if it's possible for them to hold the letter and notify her that she has mail at the post office to pick up. They'll require a photo ID to let her have it. That way OM can't intercept it.

I found the post office has a "Restricted Delivery" option. This is one step beyond certified mail because only the person it's addressed to can sign. Otherwise any adult can sign for certified mail.

That's good to know. So there's an option for you.

I'm not a big fan of exposure via mail, though. It's too easy for OM to gaslight his wife: "Oh, THAT guy...yeah, I saw his wife once at the grocery store and talked to her for about five minutes. Then her husband came over to us and started giving me grief about hitting on his wife - can you believe that! What a nut job! Here, honey, let me throw that away for you - you shouldn't be the victim of some whacko jerk who gets his thrills by trying to upset women and their happy marriages."

You can't meet her in person?

I agree, in person is best. I'll try and figure out a way but I don't know if I can. Their home number is unlisted and my WW never knew what it was, just had OM's cell phone number so I can't call and set up a meeting or anything. I'd have to take a day off of work and hope I caught her without her husband around. They never discussed OMW very much so I don't know her routine.

Another question, (thanks again all for the support and advice!!)

First, the background: Sunday I discovered that I could re-activate the Facebook account my WW used to contact the OM (on D-day she deleted the account). I re enabled it to see if I could confirm OM's address and I did. But curiosity got the better of me and I found that my WW never deleted their chat sessions. I had the entire month's worth of conversations.

The good: Much of WW had confessed to me checked out.

The not so good: Some of the details were inconsistent with her story but they were minor. Example, I had asked WW if OM had any pictures of her and she said no. She did send him some. WW explained that we were talking about their sexual encounters at the time so she thought I meant did OM have any explicit pictures of her, not just any pictures.

The bad: WW left out details to "protect my feelings". At the time we were just starting MB recovery so neither of us had a good handle on Radical Honesty or PoJA (and we're still learning).

The ugly: I now know several things that I'm not sure how to deal with:

#1: Mother in law knew a lot about the A, helped WW hide it, and even was having conversations with OM feeding him information.

#2: WW told me that none of her friends who she talked to during the A supported the A. They didn't want to be part of anything. However, one friend encouraged and supported the A. The friend helped WW figure out how I was discovering things, helping WW hide them better, and even came up with ways my WW could see OM. Example: One week 2 of WW's work shifts were canceled. This friend said, "Don't tell your H. You could pretend to go to work and see OM instead."

#3: WW revealed something about me to the OM that was my most personal, intimate, secret. Something only my WW ever knew about a sexual issue I had. She told OM and they were mocking me.

WW's answers: #1 - Mom was focused on WW's happiness. WW was happy with OM so mom supported it.
#2: - Same as #1
#3: - WW said she never should have told anyone and she is sorry she did.


I don't know what to do with these. On the one hand I want the whole truth. On the other, I don't want WW to have to re-live the memories. Now that I have the details I'm willing to let this go but I can't help but wonder if there are any other half-truths out there.
My big concerns are how to deal with mom-in-law and the friend. Any advice?

I would cut MIL and the friend out of your lives. They are an enemy of your marriage. Having anything to do with them is dangerous to your marriage, for both you AND your wife.

We agreed to put off dealing with the friends until after the holidays which brings us to now. I have tried discussing this a few times but we aren't getting anywhere. W cries, gets angry, and accuses me of not wanting to have any friends. Then if we have any SF time scheduled she cancels it because she is too upset.

Today I asked W to write down her thoughts about her friends and I'm doing the same. Here are my points. Please review and let me know if I have this right:

1. Eliminate any conditions that allowed the A to happen. Your friends did not discourage the A. Yes the A is partly my fault but an A is never justified.

2. H's feelings were not considered. Even the biggest jerk doesn't deserve to be the victim of an A.

3. Trust. I don't trust W to be alone with these friends.

4. No secret life. Friends have demonstrated they won't "out" W.

5. Ownership of missdeeds. W claims she has taken responsibility for having the A but the last these friends have heard I pushed W into it so I only have myself to blame. If W admits to her friends there is no excuse for an A it will go a long way to prove W has taken ownership.

6. Consider our family. Did Ws friends consider what the A was doing to the kids?


This is what I have so far. I can flesh it out with examples but how does my reasoning look?