I meant, my lack of being a good husband helped facilitate the affair.

I am not verbally abusive. If I got mad, I usually kept it myself, how I was brought up. She wanted to know, says she felt like a detective. So, it was one of the things I was working on for her. Let me stew a bit, get my head around. Gave myself a time limit, like an hour or 4, then force myself to tell her about it. And like I said, I was trying to voice my complaints, not accuse or anything. She read them that way anyway, and never said anything so I could try to explain better. She tried to tell me I was unhappy in the marriage, and so I came up with reasons just like she was doing. Only, I just recently realized, I wasn't all that unhappy in the marriage.

And now it feels like she only wanted to make it feel like we both were unhappy.

Some of the things I told her I liked that she did for me, she felt "anxious" about doing. Such as a call to me in the morning on her way to work as I was already at work. Just a quick hello. She used to do it, and I liked it when she did. There were times I was to busy or distracted with work to have a good conversation with her. She brought that up, so when she did call, I made sure to make her my number 1 priority no matter what. Then the anxiety came, and felt like I was asking to much of her.

Then she wouldn't know if I was going to be mad when she came home. I was never mad. Upset a bit sure, how can a one minute phone call be that hard. Or a simple text back saying hello, or thanks or whatever. She says she never has time...and yes she is very busy at work. But I know she has texted others the same day as some of this.

From the books, she is in withdrawl. She wouldn't want to do anything for me, or let me do things for her. I took some wrong steps. She needed time away, stayed with a friend for a few days. She came back, and wanted time apart. I said I thought that might be best. Let us work on these things I have done and have not done. Let me be your friend again.

Of course, that never happened due to the letter to the OM's wife about the affair.

-Crestfallen32

I did trickle, your right. I started with the OM's wife. Then yesterday to all her family and friends, her mom included. It was only an email, cause I can't seem to bring myself to call. Course, being in ND and her mom in Cali, that two hours is tough. Besides the point I know.

I do not have access to phone bill anymore. And it did not show whom she texted, only called anyway. They had a texting thing from what I can tell.

I will have to bring myself to call the OM's wife today. Just to make sure she knows. Working on finding email addresses to Human Resources now.

She stayed with a friend for a few days. Then came back and said she deserves a bed. So she is staying in the guest bedroom.

There is spyware that you could put on her phone to capture her text messages. I really suggest you do that so you know the nature and depth of their affair. Plus it provides you with more proof to give to the other mans wife.

You do need to try contacting her again, and make sure its her you speak to. Don't try mail again, it can be intercepted.

Continue with your efforts on being a better husband -- BUT STOP EXPECTING IT TO MATTER TO HER. Do it because its the right thing to do, and because it demonstrates changes that are lasting and permanent.

But you must understand that while she is involved with OM -- your lovebank deposits do not register with her. She is only open to him.

CF, actually that is not a "trickle" exposure! Sounds like you did a great job! They are just in damage control and your wife is flipping out. What did you send in the email?

And I would get with the OMW NOW. Do that NOW before the OM has more time to spin her. Tell her that your wife has admitted to the affair.

I think you did a great job!!

Being as she won't let me within 10 feet of her phone, and that it's a basic phone, as in the makes calls and texts and that's it...not sure I can get a spyware program on it.

I can see her picture messages though.

I agree with Mel, please listen to her, there's no one on these boards that knows more, and has helped more people, kill affairs. She's sort of like our own Buffy the Affair Slayer. It's unfortunate that she's from Texas, and has all of these misguided notions about us Yankees, but she's the best ally you can have here.

Quote

I found the texts after they had been deleted, so I don't know what they said. I brought this up, and she says she deleted them so I wouldn't get the wrong idea.

Almost funny in a fogbabble way - what idea do you get from her deleting them and then telling you that? The affair is ongoing, right?

Quote

"Their marriage could be over, and we could do anything we wanted. Did you think of that?"

Again, if it was a one time thing, why would she say this? They've just gone underground, using emails and phones you can't access. You need to confirm the OMW received your message. Your wife and the OM have had time to attempt damage control and spin everything just as Mel said.

If you still love your wife and want to kill her affair and ultimately build a new marriage, you can't self-impose limitations on the weapons that you can use. As it stands right now, your wife is thinking divorce and happily ever after with scumbag, so what do you have to lose? Don't half-step now, kill the affair by every means available.

When you call the OMW, I would compare dates and times when your wife was gone. You will find a lot of similar nights away. But you need to get with the OMW TODAY. Don't put that off. Don't waste time posting here while you could be comparing notes with her.

Why did she stay away for a few days? I would be sure and tell the OMW that your wife was staying somewhere else on those days.

I don't know how to write what I need for Human resources though. Your template doesn't feel like it fits. Can you help me with that?

And I used your templates for FB messages, and an email to family and friends. I edited some, and what not of course. I am greatful for those.

Sure! Just post what you think will work and we can help.

yankees!!

thanks for the vote of confidence...

You're able to get on her FB? Do you recognize all of her friends? Is there an odd name you don't recognize, with no profile picture?

Melody,

As far as the letter goes. I don't know if they have used the company...they are flight instructors. Other than a few emails I don't really have access to. They could easily plan without the use of email and phone. How do I say they had an affair, continue contact to this day, and keep it matter of fact. Do I say it is becoming an issue in our marriage? That sort of thing.

I'm all shakes and lost at the moment. I feel in over my head, and just trying to stay calm.

I can't seem to dial the phone to try and call his wife. Like she knows, and might not want to talk to me about it. Or she's been snowballed into thinking something else.

Everyone on her list I know. I have access to her FB, she doesn't use it but maybe once a month.

There are sim card readers that will recover and show the content of deleted texts.

You would just have to access her phone - maybe while she's sleeping? It would be worth the risk to get that intel.

Sprint phones that don't have sim cards. I have looked into spyware for her phone and with no data, I can't do much.

CF, the workplace letter, as written, would be perfect for your case. They are having the affair at work. You know they see each other at work. That is plenty enough evidence. They can check their email accounts and see for themselves.


You need to just suck in your breath and dial the #. JUST DO IT. Disguise your # using *67 and DON'T LEAVE A MESSAGE. I know it is hard but once you start talking you will be FINE. Be sure and give the OMW your wife's cell phone # and YOUR #. Ask her to stay in touch with you so you can compare notes.

Do you see the OM's wife on the facebook? She could be friends with the OM's parents.

I do see her, and there are two that could be his parents, but I have no idea if they really are them or not, and not sure how to find out.

Good work!! I would send them BOTH a facebook exposure letter. Have you been able to reach the OMW yet?