Hire a PI.
Put a GPS/VAR on her vehicle.

Plan A like a Rock Star.

Get her to lower her guard.

Wait for her to trip up.

What top 3 or 4 of your W's intimate ENs are you planning to meet beyond her expectations?

Get concert tickets?
Plan a wonderful kid-free weekend?
Take her dancing?
Make her laugh every day?
Compliment her in unexpected ways?
Cook for her?

Recreational companionship and conversation are her most important needs. Last night I took her and my son to farmers market and we grabbed a bite to eat. It was nice, but I am having a really hard time with meeting her need of conversation. When I am upset, I withdraw. She notices.

Maybe I can take her to a concert or show or movie. Somewhere where it would be inappropriate to talk.

OK.

Also, next time you get caught in a verbal battle in your own mind and tend to withdraw, just grab her hand and give it a squeeze.

Say something off topic like: "I love holding your hand."

And leave it at that. Shut up, but stay in physical contact.

Make sense?

I can do that. Thanks.

Oh yea, another question. I know on Monday my wife asked OM to go to lunch and I know that she went out to lunch again today. Should I even ask who she went with?

HIRE A PI

It's funny that Pep suggested this. Over 25 years ago my H (ex) and I were in a conflict with high tension. We were at a festival-type thing and it was very crowded and rowdy.

He was in front of me and turned around, reached for my hand, firmly took it, pulled me closer to him and led me through the crowd.

Still remember it to this day. He melted my heart (and anger) without a word with that gesture of strength, caring and confidence.

Pep is dead-on.

"And leave it at that. Shut up, but stay in physical contact."

Quickly to add, in the story I cited I was a) at fault and b) a complete snot (hey...I was in my 20's), and my H got the quickest, most genuine apology I'd ever given him. And, he never said a word *aloud*.

Don't be discouraged by OMW dismissal of the whole thing. I still think that OMW had previous suspicions in her own mind and is why she wanted you to call her. She was then gaslighted by OM.

You planted the seed. Let her process it.

Lay low with a stellar PLAN A while snooping your butt off. Waywards are very good at taking things underground once threatened... keep this in mind. It is a battle of wits and you have to be the smarter one.

Remember to breath - slowly and deeply.

Nope. Don't tip your hand to her. Not, you're going to have to go for an Academy Award for Best Performance, here, and behave as though you think all is right with your world. I know this is incredibly stressful, and I'm sure you'd like get honest answers to your questions. Ain't gonna happen, friend. Waywards lie. If their lips are moving, they're lying.

All your questions or accusations will do is drive her underground and make her more careful in her dealings with OM. Believe me. In my sitch, the OWH was actually threatening my H, and begging his WW to come clean. You'd think an irate husband who is threatening an OM (my H at the time) would cause the OM to dump his affair partner. All it did was drive them underground. I suspect the drama even fueled the illicit excitement of their affair.

Say nothing. Plan A your rear end off.

Not much to report from last night. We had a nice family dinner and just relaxed and played hide and seek with my son.

After my son went to sleep we watched a little TV and went to sleep. My wife wasn't all that interested in snuggling up while we watched TV.

Quick question. So a few weeks ago I read HNHN. She said that she would read it after her work event. She had some assigned reading that she wanted to finish. The truth is it really hurt my feelings that she was more focused on her work event than trying to learn how to meet my needs. Anyway, on to my question. Should I encourage her to read HNHN, or just drop it until I figure out what is going on?

Thanks again for all of the help.

Keep it on your nightstand, or out somewhere where she can see it. Don't push it on her.

NSSISC,

You need to step it up. Please tell us why you haven't put the voice recorder in the car. That will reveal a lot.

A PI can get pictures of her on one of her lunches with OM.

Take a day off of work and spy on her yourself if you know she's going "to lunch."

I bet lunch might involve a hotel somewhere.

Get going on the spying. You're sitting idle and hoping something reveals itself.

Get off your butt and put a VAR in the car. Many men here have caught their wives that way.

Get a GPS tracker on the car.

Hire a PI! Get a friend to take a picture of her with OM.

Do something!

This is what i was thinking too. If somethings going on you need to get your evidence and put a stop to this.

Anything new?

Did you ever find out if she was cheating on you???

Curious the poster never came back - always wonder what happened when folks do this.

One thing that struck me when reading through the thread is that he said he had no evidence, I am curious if he ever checked to see that she was getting extra pay for all of the extra housr that she said she was spending at work. of course, that wouldnt matter if she was on salary as opposed to an hourly employee.

Hey guys! I'm still here. I lurk but don't post much.

I've yet to find any evidence. I still believe in my heart that something happened, but I can't prove it. The wife and I have discussed it a few times but it obviously doesn't help to keep bringing it up. Unless something comes up I will keep my mouth shut.

Our relationship has improved but I know we have a long ways to go. We are working on His Needs Her Needs at the moment. I've read a bunch of different relationship books in the past few months and this is by far my favorite.

In addition I have been working on myself. I think that at the beginning of the year (when things were really bad with my wife) I was depressed. This whole thing was a huge wake up call. There are some things about me that I want to change.

Two of my favorite self improvement books are No More Mr. Nice Guy and Married Man's Sex Life. I am definitely a nice guy and have been working on changing that.

I continue to snoop, but not obsessively. If I ever find anything, I will for sure post it.

I guess I would say I am cautiously optimistic about the future of my marriage. Maybe she cheated, maybe she didn't. Either way I will be the best me I can be.

She is salary so it wouldn't have mattered. Good idea though!