You told them, didn't you?

No.... I didn't tell them.... I guess I failed. You were all right.... I couldn't do it.... you can all give me a big I told you so if it makes you feel better. I struggled with it all weekend. I talked with my WW on Thursday night and it was a good talk but I knew the A wasn't going to end no matter what she said. I thought about telling the boys Friday and then again on Saturday but didn't do it! Now I am faced with either telling them over the phone which I didn't want to do OR waiting until Christmas.... and I DON'T want to drag this out another month. Anyway, just wanted to update you.... I won't bother you guys anymore.... I guess I'm just a doormat. Like I said, feel free to throw your "I told you so's"

G6

Giraffe,

It's not so much that anyone here wants to say I told you so. It's more like someone keeps telling you there is a wasp in your fist and to please crush it so it will stop stinging you.

Your kids need to know why their world is falling apart.

God Bless
Gamma

You're human...your natural instincts tell you to protect your children. These people have given you tools to help you because it has helped them. There are no guarantees, but if you don't take action, you will definitely destroy what's left of your self. If I can tell an 8, 11, 13 year old what's going on, you can definitely tell older children. They need to know the truth. You're protecting your WW in the process and enabling her A. The pain doesn't go away, but it reduces a little. Good luck to you.

That wasn't our goal. Our goal was to encourage you to use the tools that will be the most beneficial for saving your marriage. You chose not to. That's up to you.

You're the one who has to live your life, Giraffe. Not us. While it's frustrating to watch an avoidable trainwreck, it doesn't make anyone want to gloat.

You are not serious about ending the affair. You are very serious about giving your wayward wife a soft landing zone for her affair. That is contrary to what we know works in killing affairs.

Good luck with that, though.

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Like I said, feel free to throw your "I told you so's"

Sorry, we don't get any sense of satisfaction at all, G6, quite the opposite in fact. We can see the almost inevitable result and are trying our best to, paraphrasing Gunny Foley in Officer and a Gentleman, use all means, both fair and unfair, to get you to to take some action.

You're right! I appreciate the posts. I did expect plenty of harsh comments, so thank you for not doing that. I am not happy with myself, so anything you guys would say is probably not worse than how I already feel. I know you are all trying to advise me and thank you again for not gloating. I am not sure why I didn't do it. Just didn't have the backbone I guess. I DO want to end the affair! I am just one of these WH that "thinks" he knows his wife, and that I can talk to her, etc etc. haha, I know, what a joke, right? I am beating myself up plenty, trust me. I am losing respect for myself each day!

Sad about this update, Giraffe. It's not too late to get things moving here but every day that passes, you are losing ground.

What are you going to say to your sons when the divorce comes? Or are you just planning to live with your wife's affair?

Thanks GJM! It sounds like you were in a similar situation as me. And I have to think it was even harder for you since your kids are younger. I know it was tough, thanks for the post and for sharing your story. It helps me to realize what I should have done this past weekend! Now, I have to get the stones to do this over the phone rather than talking myself into waiting until Christmas.

Giraffe6

You are NOT the bad guy for telling the truth. If I were a child in this sitch I WOULD WANT TO KNOW!!

Your wife is out of her mind right now. You cannot expect her to reason with you. She is an addict and needs an intervention. Please pick up the phone today!!

We can help you by encouraging you to rip the bandaid off NOW, deal with the pain NOW, rather than waiting until its worse.

So, I suggest you get going and do it NOW, okay?

Still here to help you, friend.

You are SO right zibbles! I know it, but what I don't know is why I can't just do it! I know I have to end this affair so why in the world so I think I can "talk" or reason with my WW?!?!?!?

The way you get the stones is by stopping the talking and starting to DO it. Get off your rear and ACT.

We can help you by pointing out that you are TALKING and not ACTING.

I suggest you read some other threads around here and get an idea what has worked and not worked for people. Quit talking so much. ACT.

Thanks markos! I wasn't sure if I would still have any support here after failing to take action this weekend. I almost didn't even log on.

You're desperate to believe she's still in there somewhere and that she loves you and your sons enough to stop on her own.

SHE CAN'T. She needs your help now, like never before.

Perhaps you also wanted to have one last amazing holiday just in case this thing blows up and you end up divorced. We know your struggle but the answer is action.

Do it now to help relieve the self loathing that's building up in you. Do it for your WW, your kids and YOU. It's hard but not as hard as it seems when you THINK about it.

Psst - hey, Giraffe? WW isn't your wife. She's in there, somewhere, way under all that fog and entitlement. But she is no longer in communication with the non-wayward world. Exposure is your best bet for dragging her out of all of that.

G6,

I�m sad to see this happened and really wish you could just do the Nike thing. Just do it.

It�s really a matter of just doing it.

G6, I don�t know how else we can communicate this to you: there is no chance you can save your marriage so long as the affair is ongoing and the affair will never end unless it is exposed.

The greatest threat to the affair is you. All you have to do is act. What would you do if your wife was drowning? Would you stand aside and hoped she pulled herself out? Would you dive in and help her?

This is basically you shouting to your kids that your wife is drowning. Once you�re done telling your kids that your wife is in trouble, you dive in to save her. Some of your sons may dive in after you.

Find a way to detach yourself from yourself. Become a different personality in your mind. Emulate James Bond. Emulate Bruce Lee. Emulate whomever you need to emulate in order to be an actor playing a part and getting this done.

Do it now. Right after you�re done reading this post, logoff, pick up your phone and call your oldest son. Tell him. If you don�t have the guts to tell the rest, then ask him to do it for you.

But this must be done. Your marriage is doomed otherwise.

This is like telling the old man who lived in the shack by the mouth of Mt. St. Helens that he needs to get out since the mountain is about to explode around him. We want to save your life. But we can�t move you out. We can�t make you save yourself.

This will end in disaster unless you do something.

Just do it.

Please. We�re rooting for you, but we can�t do it for you.

Giraffe,
Call your kids, tell them you wanted to tell them but didn't/couldn't. Let them know you love them and didn't want to hurt them but you need them to know the whole story so they know what is happening. Let them decide what to do or say to their mom. Be ready to expose to the rest of your list right after telling your kids. You know this will change things. You don't like what is going on now but are afraid of how it will change if you expose. If you look at it as the best chance of breaking up the affair and saving your family you will wonder why you waited so long.

Giraffe6, now that you've spent the holiday weekend with your boys and didn't tell, I imagine when you DO tell them they're going to connect the dots... and be relieved.

I assure you, that even if you didn't tell them this weekend, they KNOW. They KNOW something is not right with mom and dad.

You're not protecting your WW or your boys by allowing this secret to fester.

Please call your children and let them know.

P.S. I sincerely hope that your WW didn't take them aside privately and pave the way for her to leave the marriage with complaints about you.

I was scared to my boys were 20 and 22 at the time, but I did it. I was able to help them as well as they helped me, they were adults..........It was actually a relief for me to not have to keep it in any longer..........
I called mine at school, over the phone.......not the way I would have like but I did not want them to hear from anyone esle but me and their father wasn't about to tell them.........I was the only parent worried about them at this point..........
We grew closer as we stayed in contact, they pretty much ignored their Dad, it was heartbreaking for me to hear my husband say can you ask them this or that.
It weighed heavily on my WH at what his boys now thought of him, reality Giraffe6.
Please consider telling your boys and letting them help you.......
Show them what forgiveness is about and accountability and honesty........
I only knew for probably a week before I told them and it was killing me I can't imagine holding in this kind of lie.........
Let the chips fall where they may, just be ready and willing to pick them up and put them back together again........
jessi