Just because your wife goes ballistic does not mean there is a crisis, SS. Just calm down. You already knew she was leaving to pursue her affair. This is just part and parcel of her plan. Her rage is just more evidence that she has something to hide.

Quit acting like you have done something wrong!! Every time you show this inappropriate guilt, you hand her a loaded bullet to shoot you with. Tell her you have a RIGHT to know everything she is doing and as long as she sneaks around and hides, you will do what it takes to find out what she is doing. NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO THE PRIVACY TO DESTROY HER SPOUSE BEHIND HIS BACK.

Stop acting like you did something wrong!!

SS, lets practice a little reality testing. I know you are under great pressure from your sneaky, wayward wife so I feel this is necessary.

BAD = having an affair, lying to your spouse, abandoning your family to pursue affair

GOOD = investigating said affairee and uncovering the truth

In other words, it is bad to have an affair; it is not bad to uncover said affair. Your wife is trying to gaslight you into thinking you have done something WRONG.

Tell her you are very sorry; very sorry that she put you in that position. If she were not sneaking around like a rat it wouldn't be necessary to spy on her.

And be sure and tell her that the OMW is having the OM watched. She will take that news right back to the OM. Use her fear AGAINST HER.

BE LOUD AND PROUD, SS~!!!

Your wife is a bully who's always gotten her way. She probably wanted to be a stay at home mom and you worked hard to make that happen but she wasn't happy even though it was most likely HER idea.

She's still trying to bully you and everyone around her even though you are the BETRAYED spouse who's done everything you can to accommodate her whims over the years.

No more grovelling. You're not doing anything wrong. You are trying to protect yourself and your children from her destructive behavior. She's got everyone around her brainwashed and worried about her stupid happiness.

Come out of HER fog. Be strong now. This lady is so used to running everyone over that she's got you worried. It's time to turn the tables on her. BE STRONG.

The way I explained things to WW was that I knew I was being lied to and was doing what I could to try to protect myself and the family from what was happening. I explained to her that I had asked her repeatedly since this started to just be honest with me and she was unwilling to honor that. Her argument is that I am escalating things and I have lost control and the only thing that is going to protect her from me is a legal document. I assured her that even though I wished she didn't date, once she leaves the house, my "control" over what she does doesn't really exist anymore. I brought up the line about my right to know what my spouse was doing and planning and who she was talking with and that was when she brought up the D discussion.

You know my WW very well. Yes, it was her idea to stay at home and I fully supported her. She actually told me that she felt bullied through my actions. She went on to talk about how she doesn't feel like she could trust me and her privacy has been invaded. Geez, I wonder what that feels like????

I am upset that this happened so close to her move out date. She is going to be leaving the house with a sour taste in her mouth. My hope is that once she can get settled in the new place, she will realize that she is on her own and will calm down some.

When she brings up privacy, let her know that you�re not violating her privacy. Tell her you�re violating her secrecy and there is a big difference between the two. Secrecy is what someone does when they don�t want their spouse to know what they�re doing. Privacy is shutting the door when using the bathroom.

One of those activities threatens your life and family. The other doesn�t.

Get another voice activated recorder in place soon while she's not expecting it. [don't get caught]

Maybe this time get a MP3 player/recorder wristwatch that may get overlooked.

Also...I'm betting part of her upset was making you tell her how long you've been using it and what all exactly you heard. I hope you didn't tell her and made her believe you've heard and documented it all (saved the files off the recorder in a safe place too). You see...if and when you move forward in discovery you want her thinking you've got recordings of a bunch of things such that she'll be too afraid to lie under oath in your deposition of her.

Besides (wink-wink-nudge-nudge)...she knew about the VAR as you guys used it and/or ones like it to monitor the baby sitters and kids over the years. It's not like she didn't know there were recorders in your house...she basically consented to it. If ever questioned by the cops about it...you don't have to say or explain anything....perhaps SHE put the recorders there to frame you.

mr w

The only reason she would have a bad taste in her mouth, though, is because you are trying to protect yourself. The goal here is not to appease a tyrant by doing whatever she wants. That is not Plan A, SS. You should continually tell her that she can "trust" you to snoop like a bloodhound as long as she continues to hide things from you.

Can you file on grounds of adultery in your state? Does adultery factor into divorce settlements?

I have a feeling the only way your WW will wake up is if her world gets very, very sour by her own hand.

Get your legal stuff in order. You do not want to have to shell out large amounts of cash to support her as she forges her (ridiculous) new path.

This lady is so used to bending people to her will that she will be shocked when she lands on her butt and has to support herself. Her adultery partner has his own family to support so there won't be much help from him. This is very good news for you.

Her family is obviously used to chugging her crazy kool aid. Keep the kids with you!! Get as much custody as you can so that you offer her the least amount of support as possible.

She's taken you for granted in terms of the financial support. Let her get out there and discover her happiness in some crappy apartment ALONE.

You seem to know my WW very well. How long have you known her?

WW will be making decent money at her new job but she is also going to be saddled with some serous bills and you are right. OM is in no position to help her out in that regard. If anything, he will be looking for help. WW just had our insurance split up today so she will be picking up the tab for her car and her renters insurance.

We talked about child visitation for the next couple of months. Looks like I will have the kids during the week and every other weekend. I am going to be the one needing child support. That is fine for me. That kind of sets precedent should we do end up going the legal route.

Well, she's been out of the work force for awhile and will find the new job a bit of a shock.

She's very fantasy driven so it all looks peachy now but the reality of getting up and dealing with the daily grind is going to be a bucket of cold water on her dream-land.

Good for you on keeping the kids. Try to get that nailed down so there's no going back! She is in for a rude awakening and thank heaven's for that!

shortsleeves,

that is a good precedence for your children's custody and support.......get it writing waywards can't be trusted, make sure you are financially free from her as well.
let her feel what her decision has left her with........she will soon resent her new life and guess who she will blame, OM.........sit back and watch it all fall apart.......
crappy apartment alone sounds just about right to learn a lesson......
wait until she wakes up one day and says to herself what have I done.........
that day is coming

This whole thing is fantasy driven. I guess I understand a person's need for a career to make them feel fulfilled or like they are contributing something to society. But the whole stay at home mom thing was her idea and let's get real for a second. She has had everything paid for during the last 5+ years and has been free to do pretty much whatever she has wanted during that time. Hmm, should I take the kids to the beach today or go shopping?

WW actually insisted that we both sign the visitation schedule. Not that it is a legal document but still...

sign the agreement even if it's not legal.......
when reality hits that fantasy world watch her fall and wonder what hit her

I hope you are right. WW is a very capable woman and has lived on her own before. It has just been a long while for her. Her apartment is actually pretty nice. It is not cheap though which I still haven't figured out how she is going to pay for along with everything else.

I signed it, I just felt kind of silly when I was doing it because it was just on some note paper. We both have copies of it as well.

It's good that she's setting her sights so high with the apartment, etc. This means she won't be able to just up and quit the job if/when it gets hard.

She is someone who gets an idea of what she wants, makes it happen and then finds it lacking. She wanted to be a mother and stay home. That didn't make her happy so now she's leaving the kids with Short to forge her new path to happy.

People like this never find what they're looking for until they realize the thread running through their unhappiness is THEM.

Maybe she'll get to that realization when lover boy shows up and needs her to support him and the job is tougher than she thought and she actually misses the kids she wanted to make and the husband she wanted to marry. Hopefully she will be one of those fantasy driven people who wakes up when none of these changes bring that illusive happiness she feels entitled to.

I'm in your boat SS,

WW wants a career of her own. Has a job that pays 8.50 an hour and lives in a 1BR apt. I can't understand why she just can't have a career in OUR house. I'm hoping her fantasy will end soon as well. Good luck to you.

I think time will tell on all of what you said. I feel like what WW is displaying is sort of systemic for her. She has a history of getting into things and then just bailing on them when they don't work out or are no longer a challenge. I agree the one common thread in all of WW's misery is her. WW has been looking into IC to try to sort out what her issues are. I hope she figures that out whether we get our M back on track or not. That is her journey and I realize I can't help her with any of that.

I spent the evening last night speaking with some neighbors that are also close friends of ours about our situation. WW aproached them on Sunday after her explosion from the discovery of the VAR. She told them that she wanted them to know about what I had done in case her body was found in a ditch. It continues to amaze me what can come out of WW's mouth. Fortunately the friends were able to be supportive of her without condoning her actions. They are seeing the same thing the rest of us are and agree that WW was being completely overdramatic. They understand the position WW has put me in and why I am doing the things I am. I am fortunate to have people close by for support.

I feel like I am in a bit of a holding pattern right now. I am just trying to give WW a wide berth right now and am biding my time until she moves out in another week and a half. I wasn't thinking this a month ago but part of me now is looking forward to WW moving out. Is that wrong?