G-man....

Both of my son's thanked me for telling them the truth. My youngest KNEW his mom was having an A, but didn't think he could tell me because what if he was wrong?

A good many pages ago, I seem to remember one of your kids asking if their mom was having an A (if I've mixed up your story with someone else, ignore this part). How do you think your kids will feel when they find out that, in addition to their mother doing what she's doing, their dad wasn't honest with them either?

No one is beating you up, we WANT to see your marriage healed. And this is probably one of the biggest things that might possibly save your marriage. If it doesn't, then what have you lost? Your wife is gone now anyway, so why not try?

you are right! I have thought/hoped she would come around. But I know better.... she DID leave me, and then she DID come back, but couldn't end the affair then, so I have to realize she can't do this on her own! And maybe I did put it off because of the holiday but I don't know.... I liked that everyone was telling me that holidays are a great time to do this and I have to say I agree. But then again, I have wondered what made me NOT do it this past weekend.

Thank you!

G6

It is sort of like, the tale "The Emperor Has No Clothes" by Hans Christian Andersen.
Every one, kids included, already know things are askew and wonky and something is wrong. Something.

Once you tell them what is happening, yes, they will be upset due to the cruelty of their mom's actions but they will also feel vindicated within that OH, THAT is what was happening that they felt.

I had an awesome therapist who use to tell me, "The why you do something isn't as important as the fact that you need to just stop doing it!"

In other words, why you didn't tell your sons isn't as important as the fact that you just need to tell them.

Why I'm fat isn't as important as just tackling the problem and fixing the behaviors that make me fat. I eat too much and don't exercise enough.

Why you avoid conflict doesn't matter. You have a crisis on your hands.

Your sons are completely clued in that not all is right and I'm willing to bet my left arm that they already suspect that she's having an affair. Kids tend to clue in long before the BS does.

There is not a lot we can do to help unless you get this done.

I am not saying this to be smart or ugly, but I am more concerned now that you will expose then cower, apologize and roll over when the reaction comes.

I don't really know how to advise you. I think your kids should know, just out of decency.

As for your marriage, good luck. You gotta change.

all so true.... The kids probably are very aware that something isn't right, I mean they know she left and came back but things still are not "right"

I am avoiding conflict and I have a crisis on my hands but I DO need to do this, and that was a great quote about why isn't as important as just doing it.

And I am concerned about how I will react to her reaction.... I can't cower down and apoligize, that would defeat what I finally got the courage to do.

Thanks to all of you!!!!!!

Giraffe6

It's been said before, but you need to keep this in mind.

Exposure will put a lot of pressure on to end the affair. Her secret utopia will look pretty ugly in the light.

This is what you need to keep in mind. Her returning to the marriage depends a lot on what you do. She has to respect you first and foremost.

I say this out of concern and honesty. I think if I had acted as you have and especially if I kept up anything approaching this behavior, my ex-wife would have spit in my face.

I think you have a lot of work to do. But do it, for your own well being.

And I am concerned about how I will react to her reaction...

Well, this is something we CAN help you prepare for. Waywards collectively have a distressingly limited number of responses.

She will go bat-sh!+ crazy. She will probably scream, call you every name in the book, and hit you with the proto-typical "Well, now our marriage IS over!" crap. She might (and given the over-entitled...lady...your WW has been described to be), probably WILL become physically abusive.

Knowing all this G6, you cannot realistically tell us you would be worried about your reaction, because you can REHEARSE IT NOW! Here is your only line to anything she says, "I did what I thought was best to protect and inform out children." You only reaction to her physical confrontations will be to back away, and urge her to control herself. If she wants to leave, you let her.

Get yourself armed with a mini-audio recorder, and do the (good) deed, amigo.

Giraffe, My thought is just expose and if you are worried about how you will respond when she comes to you.... just make yourself unavailable for a while. When my wife and I were apart and I didn't feel talking would be helpful I would not answer phone or not be home. I waited until she settled down or I was in better mood.

Nike--- "Just do it"

I did this right before xmas. And we still had xmas.

You can do this. No one will care about the date.

G6, clearly you are an enabler. You are enabling your WW's affair, you are enabling your own life to be a living hell, you are enabling the fantasy you have about your life but what is long gone because this is a lie. You are enabling your future which is going to be miserable if you continue this way.



And I'm starting to think you like it. You like your life the way it is.

G6, if you really need to, then call your oldest, tell him, and then ask him to spread the word to the other kids.

I don't think it is the best approach, but at this point I think anything is better than nothing.

Right now your wife is drowning and you're just watching and hoping she pulls herself out of it.

Not going to happen.

We can't be courageous for you.

You know why you didn't do it. It is because you made a choice NOT TO DO IT. You have to make a choice to do it and then do it. It's very simple.

I get the sense that you are waiting until you FEEL like it, and that will never happen. No one ever "feels" like doing this. It is a tough thing. No magic feeling is going to attack you against your will. Courage is a choice, not something that some people have and others don't. Everyone is afraid. Some people choose to allow their fear to control them and some people choose to be in control of their fear.

You have to make a decision to do it and then do it. Honestly, I shouldn't have to explain this to a 45 year old grown man.

If you do get to that point, your lb may be so drained that you don�t care about her reaction. If that�s the case, then it really is over because you won�t care at that point if it is saved or not. If you reach the point of emotional detachment, then the marriage is very likely to fail. The objective of MB is to save the marriage when it is still salvageable IF it is still salvageable.

You�re rapidly approaching the point of her being a walk away wife and not having any hope of saving your marriage.

Do you have an internal locus of control, or external?

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2555478#Post2555478

Yes, I've read it.

You are choosing victimhood.
You are avoiding responsibility.

.... under the guise of "thinking things over".

Behold, I summoned Pepperband!