Been a bit down. Birthday holidays death anniversaries . So add that to the rollercoaster. But. H is trying to help me thu it. I am the positive one.

Dad, I can't give you timing or anything like that, but I can give you an idea of what to expect.

The hardest part of the fight is now over. The A has ended, and you are moving towards recovery. As Pep would say; it's a direction not a destination. If you are a man of faith, consider it like securing your spot in heaven; the things you have learned must be adhered to for the rest of your life - you will fail sometimes, but then you have to get back on the path.

So, with the hardest part of the journey out of the way, you will now embark on the longest part of the journey.

The first leg is tough. You are now going to be able to begin progressing through the grieving process. You cannot "get over it," go around it, go above it, slink under it. You have to go through it.

If I get some time this weekend, I'll dig up some stuff on grieving so that you can reflect on that and make sense of some of this part of the roller coaster.

The roller coaster of recovery along with the roller coaster of grief is a wild ride.

6 months, a year... however long it takes, eventually you will sort it out and come out of grieving. However, you will still be on the coaster.

Chin up, though! Without the complication of grief, the recovery coaster is a tad more mild. Like a "mad mouse" coaster versus a super-coaster.

The solution is to remain vigilant in your new MB-led lifestyle - keep up UA, KEEP UP RH, keep up PoJA.

At times, you are going to retract, you are going to hit these moments of pain, anger, bitterness... you are going to get indifferent, or want to withdraw.

Fight that.

In those moments, imagine yourself encased in in a protective shell - you are alone in the dark, and you are starving. You can see shafts of light shining through the cracks.

At these times, your FWW, and the way she has tried to pick up the rope and share the load, is going to be your life-saver.

Meeting your needs, EP's, RH on her part is going to be like tossing handfuls of rice at the shell to nourish you. Copious amounts will be lost. However, some grains will slip through the cracks, and that is what you will need to sustain yourself.

DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO WITHDRAW.

I think you'll discover that this process is going to take years.... 3,5,10.... Dunno?? I do know there is no magical amount of time when there has been multiple affairs and years of lies....

i think that i am worried that i will get to 3 5 or 10 years and cant do it. I cannot trigger or feel like this for that long, you might a well lock me up.(I am exhausted).

hhh
have had this in my bag for months- just read it again. HHH can you point me to your links on grieving?

having a terrible time with the uneasy panicy feelings, H is asking what he need to do, but i cannot tell him anything, i just dont know....

we are spending over 20+ hours together- we do nothing alone, except work.

my brain is working overtime, tick tick tick, trigger trigger trigger, cannot get it all to just stop. really i am trying- stop sign out, file folders of the brain away. it exhausting physically. i know this is not good for us. i guess i am having a hard time with moving forward and forgetting the past.(ugggh).

then there is the entire world (or just alot) that can trigger me and i cannot insulate myself from it (i dont know how).

The few times he had gone to meetings of The Compassionate Friends, he had heard other grieving parents speak of the Zero Point. The Zero Point was the instant of the child's death, from which every future event would be dated, the eye blink during which crushing loss reset your internal gauges to zero. It was the moment at which your shabby box of hopes and wants--which had once seemed to be such a fabulous chest of bright dreams--was turned on end and emptied into an abyss, leaving you with zero expectations. In a clock tick, the future was no longer a kingdom of possibility and wonder, but a yoke of obligation--and only the unattainable past offered a hospitable place to live. He had existed at Zero Point for more than a year, with time receding from him in both directions, belonging to neither the days ahead nor those behind. It was as though he had been suspended in a tank of liquid nitrogen and lay deep in cryogenic slumber.

�Any one second: he remembered: the thought of feeling like he�d be feeling this second for 60 more of these seconds�he couldn�t deal. He could not f�-ing deal. He had to build a wall around each second just to take it. The whole first two weeks of it are telescoped in his memory down into like one second�less: the space between two heartbeats. A breath and a second, the pause and gather between each cramp. An endless Now stretching its gull-wings out on either side of his heartbeat. And he�d never before or since felt so excruciatingly alive. Living in the Present between pulses.�

�He could do dextral pain the same way: Abiding. No one single instant of it was unendurable. Here was a second right here: he endured it. What was undealable-with was the thought of all the instants lined up and stretching ahead, glittering�It�s too much to think about. To Abide there�He could just hunker down in the space between each heartbeat and make each heartbeat a wall and live there. Not let his head look over.�

I suggested, "When you were confident that you'd find love, you didn't and when you got anxious about it, you did. Perhaps anxiety had a part in it."

Lauren's eyes widened as she asked, "How's that?"

"Anxiety can spur us into action and can help solve problems. Perhaps your behavior changed when you got anxious," I interpreted.

If it's been two years since the last affair and the marriage isn't "better than ever", Dr. Harley usually says it's time to hang up the cleats and separate, planning to divorce. The chance of recovery -- ever -- is extremely low at that point.

NW-last year he was traveling and into his mass A and I was pretty much alone for the holidays. So that�s not helping like decorating (he said something like �last year�.� I wanted to say sorry sweetie but I did that alone last year, and that and that and that�. oh yeah and that too. ) ( DJ I know) � uggh- thank you.

triggers- they happen every day for me. (we would have to live in a bubble to eliminate all of them)- this is a big problem (put on top a racing mind- that doent help)

If it's been two years since the last affair and the marriage isn't "better than ever", Dr. Harley usually says it's time to hang up the cleats and separate, planning to divorce. The chance of recovery -- ever -- is extremely low at that point.