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But generally...if the wayward is generally a decent person pre-affair, then the exposure shakes them to their senses and/or lessens the thrill of sneaking around that some waywards get from having affairs.
Probably they do because the romantic version of the affair is best experienced in secret. Once people know about it, it isn't nearly so magical. Reality hits fantasy. Wham.
"Why does serial murder out in the open crumble so fast?"
"Why does burglary out in the open crumble so fast?"
"Why does rape out in the open crumble so fast?"
Sadly, a lot of the "excitement" of adultery is the fact that IT IS WRONG. That excitement becomes a whole something different when it's no longer a "dirty little secret."
In other words...
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
but speaking from an analyzing perspective. I believe I read, but can't find it, that sometimes WS get really intense with their AP after exposure. I find the dynamics interesting, I'd like to know more.
Me BW (37) WH (37) DD1 6 yrs DD2 2 yr
A man who abandons his wife and children because of his infidelity is no price. I can do better then that, I deserve better then that.
The difficulties and struggles of today are but the price we must pay for the accomplishments and victories of tomorrow
Men must be honest with themselves before they can be honest with others. A man who is not honest with himself presents a hopeless case
I meant this as a general discussion, not about me, I'm in a happy place.
Some WS are instantly back into reality after exposure. And there are a few WS who get so mad, and almost as punishment intensify the affair. I know they never last, but I'm just interested in the process, how/why they intensify, and how that extreme intensifying blows it up more violently.
Me BW (37) WH (37) DD1 6 yrs DD2 2 yr
A man who abandons his wife and children because of his infidelity is no price. I can do better then that, I deserve better then that.
The difficulties and struggles of today are but the price we must pay for the accomplishments and victories of tomorrow
Men must be honest with themselves before they can be honest with others. A man who is not honest with himself presents a hopeless case
but speaking from an analyzing perspective. I believe I read, but can't find it, that sometimes WS get really intense with their AP after exposure. I find the dynamics interesting, I'd like to know more.
Why does an affair 'out in the open' crumble fast?
Why do the cockroaches RUN when you turn on the lights??
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
I agree they intensify to try to recapture that excitement of the early days when it was all so thrilling. Also, in my opinion, to try to show the world that it is a 'real relationship'. That they were right all along to persue this 'true love & everlasting happiness with their soulmate'.
Normal relationships follow a rather different time track, take more time to develop and evolve; affair based relationships sky-rocket and (hopefully) eventually implode.
Me, BS, 35 J, WS, 33 12 years together, married 2. No kids, just cats D-day 06/30/11 In Plan B
"If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."
I think it's like the sick evil twin of hysterical bonding.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
Those A's that survive exposure would often involve stuborn people. People who, like a bulldog, hangs on regardless of cost rather then admit they are wrong.
This was the case with the X of my brother in law. She would allmost never admit an error on her part. So when her H exposed her there was no turning back. She moved in with her A partner and was D fram my brother in law. Her relationship with the A partner was dead somewhere between 12and 15 months after D.
MFJ - there is also the gold digger. The woman who looks and acts like a porn star in order to capture and seize a man with money.
She doesn't care one iota about her reputation because in her mind she has her "Eye on the Prize". The wayward husband has his own issues with sex, porn, and waywardness that he goes deep into the fog for this woman. His addiction isn't the woman -- it is sex and her body.
He will go to great lenths to keep his HIGH buzzing, and she goes to great length to keep his money flowing.
EXPOSURE doesn't kill an affair like that because the HIGH is so powerful, it consumes them beyond everything else.
Read Holyheart's entire thread and you will see how these gold diggers work when they are with a man addicted to their body.
With that those affairs ALWAYS die because the money runs out. There isn't enough ever and slowly the man loses it all. He loses it all because the gold digger keeps spending.
When those affairs crumble the depression, anxiety, and complete self loathing consume the wayward husband. Often he becomes suicidal.
An the Gold Digger - she has already latched onto a new man.
Look up "Spider Woman" and/or "Philandering Woman" for this.
It was never love it was only passing evil (adultery) for another evil (money) that made the relationship last.