HPB & HHH thank you, you are right.

big triggers today!! H sent calendar for upcoming weeks. he then notice there was an OW bday on the calendar, so he emailed as soon as he saw. i thanked him (with puke in my mouth)

so of course---- i do get upset, why shouldnt I.. this garbage has been going on for 10 months, 10, 10 10. what an idiot, you were smart enough to have a complete 2nd life be smart enough to clean up ***EDIT***. ( they were added a year ago as are reoccuring series- idiot- )

this was supposed to be taken care of.

now i have a know another name - this was one of the random makeouts that he had no names for- oops i guess he forgot this one. so of course i google her.

then 2 week later on the calendar is another OW bday.

We were and have been having a great time together and working very hard a building something new. this really put me back to not believing ANYTHING HE SAYS.

i asked him to take some time and and get a plan that will eliminate any more triggers that are in his control, and rethink everything and fill in the blanks amd anymore lies that will come back to bit me in the butt.

this a alot of stuff to deal with and i really dont know what to do.

i am at a loss.

but still reading the trees that i killed.

still in a bad way... what am i missing here...

things were going well and then this puts me back to day 1 i feel like.

I am questioning everything. am i overreacting?

Chickadee,

When i get triggered like this it takes me a few days to work outta the funk. I think this is normal. As time goes on, we handle these triggers better (most of the time). This winter/fall has been rough on me too, so I sympathize. My personal feeling on "cleaning the mess" is that AP's talk outta their you know whats so much and are so paranoid and secretive that they are flying by the seat of their pants and when exposed go into brain-dump. Now they have to think and after so long of not using the brain it is difficult. That's just my assessment though.

I would have him go through the calendar for the next year and eliminate everything potentially there. If he hasn't already.

Hang in there, we are with you!

CV

thanks cv- calendar is empty i assume, but you know what i dont care, very tired of pushing him to clean up this mess.

i really dont want to be around him at this time.

my gut has been working overtime, i just dont know what it is.

i said some very hurtful things last night and i dont care (ooh taker coming out) I was being honest in saying i dont believe him.

i am sure he is not feeling very positive right now about himself or us. and i am not making it easy.

how do i just forget when our entire M has been a sham? and every day there is always something.

i just dont get it...

chickadee,

Why not quit doing the calendar thing?

Surely there's another way...I use multiple layers of post-it notes taped to my computer screen to (generally and in theory) keep track of what I need to do.

I know how this goes. This will/does get better. It's been a couple months since I let the venom spew. Sometimes you just get so mad and hurt that it's very difficult to contain the hurtful words. I would just want him to be sure he knows how painful all this is.



yes, that's a tough one to swollow. I still think of it everyday. I told my FWH that I think of it many times a day and he was surprised....which made me mad becuase I think he should think of how stupid he was many times a day too!


I don't think we ever will.

I think the holidays are worse, maybe, maybe not. My DDay was a few days before Christmas, so that sucks!

Also, the last few years FWH has helped me in all the shopping, decorating ect... which is great, but it makes me think of all those years I did it all alone.... yes, it's always something...

I'll vent and hang out in the self pity pit with you for a while. but we can't stay long, there is shopping to do!

i dont think he will ever put a reminder on his calendar again.

the problem is the protective liar, he lied on his list and said he didnt know names, but yes he did, and birthdays ( he forgot). i have to find out then pull the crap out of him. poly didnt pick it up bc he wasnt asked for names.

little lies little lie, the big lies are out why hurt chicka with more, she would leave me.....


part of the problem with me is i dont think i want to know or can deal with anymore of the crap, but i dont know how i can move on without knowing. its a big hurdle for me.

ugh the holidays... it only the 2nd.... this is a pretty big pity party i am having but thanks for poping in.

going to a session in 15min, should be a heavy duty one. great way to start the weekend.

Good call on the session, hope it offers some suggestions.

What about a weekend getaway to, perhaps, a warmer climate?

My FWH was a protective lair also. It took him a LONG time to figure out how damageing this is. You are not too far out from poly, and yes, I think they remember small things that they did'nt remember on the poly.

I made a list by year and month, asked all the names, locations, ect..(everything I wanted to know) went over it again when I had a question, FWH didn't like it, but it had to be done for my sanity.

The last time we talked about the A's has been....gosh, many months.

It will get better chick. This is the problem with MA's, it's not fair, it stinks and the triggers are everywhere.

Keep in mind the "new" hubby he is, and how awesome he is now. That helps me pull my head out of a tailspin when I feel it coming on.

On that note though, I do know exactly how you feel. And, there are days still that I wonder if I'm an idiot. The anger and saddness is not quite as deep as a year ago, so I chalk that up as progress.

It's this time of year that's been a bit off for me as well.

But it's better than last year, that's for sure. The year 2010 can certainly kiss my hind end.

Could not agree more.

Hope you can work your way out of triggerland, Chika.

Dee, I bet you are getting to the angry stage. It was about 7 months after D-Day for me. I had a complete blow up and told him I didnt think I could do it. I finally came out of my fog and started the "how dare you" and "why should I stay" I feel better now but still not 100% sure I can.

Just hold on, the ride is not fun and I cant promise we will end up where we want to be, but I have to at least know I tried.

I've been having some bad days but I know it is the time of year and the triggers that go along with it. I'm also having some issues with DSS16. David has told me he does not blame me but it is still not good.

thank you all!

i guess i am getting to the angry tired stage and then when stoopid things happen it just make it far worse.

yes stoopid.

the blow ups and the shut downs are not good.

oh yes the holidays are beinging to stink also.

i am totally over 2010.

but i did find this site and some very kind people!

Ah yes, the angry stage.

I remember about 6-7 months out it got really bad.

At one time, We were actually in Florida for one of the boys baseball tournament. I had a breakdown and wanted a divorce. My FWH talked to me, calmed me down and I got my focus back.

How quickly I forget..... There were lots of those days. It makes me realize how far we have come!

Hang in there!

At least you didnt hit him with the bat! I threw things at mine. I'm not proud of it but I was just that mad and it made me feel better.

I had a bunch of AO's at that time. I was BAD. After I would calm down I would not have blamed him for leaving for how I acted.

I think at one point at about just a year after Dday, I was where you are. Just couldn't take it anymore. I was emotionally and mentally beat by the triggers and trickling of details. I was checked out.

What I ended up doing was making lists of things I wanted to ask. The hard questions. I let them sit for a day or two, went back and wrote follow up questions from every angle I could think of, went back a few days after that and wrote questions off of those questions...


Then I prepped myself. I emotionally detached myself in almost a clinical way so I would not lash out. I gotta say, it helped me get most of everything I needed and keep my cool. It did hurt me though. I had to make an effort to stay detached. It was the only way I could get through it to hear the answers without verbally bashing her. I took time to cool off and then shared. It ended up becoming more and more of a pattern for me until I was able to get sufficient answers to "forgotten" things.

It's just an idea...

CV

another list is what i have been thinking about, but i just dont know if i can take anymore info. i tired of it and from it. i had him write out many many things.

beat up, thats what i feel.

i dont use threats or punishment when he tells me things, that wont work i know that.

H read some of my recent posts and responses and i think it was helpful. he sees me clam up and just sad it brings him down and then the silly circle begins again. reading that other BS have been in this spot doesnt make this feel like its us and we cant do it. it gives a glimmer of hope to the "new normal".

on top of all the crapola, my moms death anniversary was yesterday, had lunch with aunt (who really hasnt spoken to me since all of this stoopid stuff began- other aunt informed her there were many more A than she realized). she is very upset, sad and angry with H and thinks that i have good potential and prospects and appealing- ha, never been called appealing (but hey its her way). she doesnt think H can change- even though she loves him very much.

i have handled thing in my past that would shut a normal person down, this is alot, is it just because it dragging out over time?

Your first year anti-versary is still a few months away, so yes, everything you are going through is terribly, tragically normal. When I hit about six months post D-Day, I went into a deep anger. Oooh, I was so angry with my H and just hated hated him! I mean, I hated what he did, but I believed I also really hated HIM, too. There were AO's on my part, and I really didn't give a hoot if he was hurt by them for a while. There were times I wished he HAD left me for OW so he could just "leave me the he77 alone." Just all kinds of awful mish-mash going on in my usually very logical brain.

Thank God the first year is finally behind me. It was really horrible even with a fully repentant husband using MB. Towards the end of the year after D-Day, I went into a tail spin wondering if I was ever going to feel like my marriage was "safe." I finally posted my question to Dr. H. in the private forum.

It really is all about the conditions. As long as the conditions of your life together make a secret second life next to impossible, your marriage will be safe. And certainly, if you and he are actively using MB, your relationship will become stronger. Creating all those new habits takes a while. He had an entrenched secret second life and it's taking a while to get out of that bad habit and build new habits that are good for both of you.

Keep looking at your H and ask,"What is he doing TODAY?" That's what I kept on my front burner all the time since asking Dr. H. There is no way we can ever go back to the days of pre-A. They are dead, but here we are with a very good opportunity to re-build a really great marriage from the ground up.

Whenever your H finds those pieces of evidence from his former life, he should tell you and fix it. It's probably going to be really hard, if not impossible, to think of it all right now. He'll likely leave something out accidentally, but eventually it will be cleaned up.

Press on, chickadee.