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Well thanks everyone for your input. I see that you all feel that we shouldn't work on Marriage cause apparently I am a hopeless case who cares about nothing. So I guess I should start packing since he would be better off. This what I am getting from your advice.
So I guess a person who has no boundaries is a monster. So should I pack now or after Christmas???
I really wanted to work on our marriage and be a good parent but apparently I am not capable of ever being a decent person. Who is this? That be a drama queen, Pep...  Get out your hankie... 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Well thanks everyone for your input. I see that you all feel that we shouldn't work on Marriage cause apparently I am a hopeless case who cares about nothing. So I guess I should start packing since he would be better off. This what I am getting from your advice.
So I guess a person who has no boundaries is a monster. So should I pack now or after Christmas???
I really wanted to work on our marriage and be a good parent but apparently I am not capable of ever being a decent person. Who is this? Let me assume this is Sennipa's WW .... who logged in using the same computer and her husband's ID (by mistake). Quit whining. Quit feeling sorry for yourself. Start working. If you don't KNOW what to do, call for a phone counseling appointment with the Harleys. BUY the SAA book and read it with a highlighter as I previously suggested. ASK MARRIAGE BUILDERS related questions instead of "Oh, woe is me."
Last edited by Pepperband; 12/07/11 09:23 AM.
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Let us know when you get serious, Madam. You aren't going to get too far with the pity party around here. Our pity is reserved for the dead bodies in your path.
you will get help here, but no one is going to tolerate your drama queen crap.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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What does that mean "who is this"?
Do you think it's fun to see your spouse hurting everyday especially when your the cause?????? It's effing painful.
Do you know what its like to tell your kids that you made a life changing decision in the wrong direction and see them look at you as if you are a disease?
Do you know what its like to be WEAK. Has anyone of you ever had a weakness for something, food, shopping, alcohol, gambling, gossip????
Do you know what its like to sin and carry it around with you beating yourself up asking WHY WHY WHY???
No I guess not, you must be perfect.
Me BH previous user name SEM
WW Senninpaswife previous user name Keep Smiling
Married 16 years - HS sweethearts
2 kids, Boy 15 years, Girl 13 years
WW's Affair #1,2,3,4 @ 1 year into marriage All ONS type PAs
DDay #1 09/11/01 False recovery for 10 years
WW's Affair #5 07/11 - 10/11 with my best friend EA&PA
DDay #2 11/27/11
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No I guess not, you must be perfect. No, but we are all capable enough to know: - to sign in and post under our own username, and
- to understand why readers might be confused and suspicious if we don't!
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Let us know when you get serious, Madam. You aren't going to get too far with the pity party around here. Our pity is reserved for the dead bodies in your path.
you will get help here, but no one is going to tolerate your drama queen crap. What do you mean serious?? I have started reading "Surviving an affair". I am doing everything he asks. What do you mean when I get SERIOUS????
Me BH previous user name SEM
WW Senninpaswife previous user name Keep Smiling
Married 16 years - HS sweethearts
2 kids, Boy 15 years, Girl 13 years
WW's Affair #1,2,3,4 @ 1 year into marriage All ONS type PAs
DDay #1 09/11/01 False recovery for 10 years
WW's Affair #5 07/11 - 10/11 with my best friend EA&PA
DDay #2 11/27/11
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What does that mean "who is this"? LOOK at the name you are using to post. You are posting using your HUSBAND's name. It's confusing. Do you think it's fun to see your spouse hurting everyday especially when your the cause?????? It's effing painful. It's your responsibility to make the corrections. I don't care about your pain at the moment. Do you know what its like to tell your kids that you made a life changing decision in the wrong direction and see them look at you as if you are a disease? Nope. It's your responsibility to make the corrections. Do you know what its like to be WEAK. Yes. Has anyone of you ever had a weakness for something, food, shopping, alcohol, gambling, gossip???? Screwing another woman's (a friend's) husband? Nope. My husband knows. He screwed his friend's wife. He felt really crappy. He did not whine after he was caught. He changed. Do you know what its like to sin and carry it around with you beating yourself up asking WHY WHY WHY??? We told you why. YOu lack boundaries. You lack empathy. Instead of taking responsibility you look to blame. No I guess not, you must be perfect. I'll get back to you on that. Seriously, I am not perfect. I am smart. But definitely not perfect. I do live my values instead of living my whims. And, I am conscious about keeping my values current on a DAILY basis. I check myself. I check my behavior. I am acutely aware I will die some day. How do I wish to be remembered? And, yourself?
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Let us know when you get serious, Madam. You aren't going to get too far with the pity party around here. Our pity is reserved for the dead bodies in your path.
you will get help here, but no one is going to tolerate your drama queen crap. What do you mean serious?? I have started reading "Surviving an affair". I am doing everything he asks. What do you mean when I get SERIOUS???? Oh wow, she's reading a book! whoopee!!  You deserve a medal! Glad you could find time for reading a book in between all your pity pandering... 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Seenipa, I am assuming this is seeninpa's wife. It sounds to me your looking for an excuse not to work, not to do the heavy lifting and in your earlier post almost saying you were thinking he might be having and affair to help justify what you have done.
I was a FWH and recently a BH..to me it seems your looking for any reason not to work on the marriage.
My wife would use I can't get over the past and I am sorry I am not doing it good enough for you. Your husband has been thru hell, I doubt you really have any idea though becuase until you can realize the depth of his pain and take on what you did, it will never sink in.
I know when I was the WH, I never got it and never wanted to but being the BH I can tell you MB has completly changed me. If I was a WH still, I would think the MB rules were stupid..but now I see how affair are affecting nearly everyone to some degree and all I want to do is work hard to live my life following these rules..my wife is not on board with MB yet but as far as I can tell she is working on it.
Regardless of what she does, I am better and I will make it and be better for it. Melody Lane is awesome..and she is right you will never run a WW/WH off who truly wants to work on their marriage. Good luck on recovery..if you want it prove it to your husband!
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Do you know what its like to sin and carry it around with you beating yourself up asking WHY WHY WHY??? Where was all this breast-beating BEFORE you and OM got caught? Did you feel the burden of your sin while getting a toe-job under the card table? ***while your best friend (OMW) was in the room? ***Where are your MB-related questions?
Last edited by Pepperband; 12/07/11 09:41 AM.
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Are you "run of the mill" ?
6. Cries for an audience, especially when caught.
This ain't your first rodeo.
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Sorry didn't realize I was in my husbands account. And Yes I am enjoying my pity party! So where is my MEDAL???
How do I lack empathy? Because Of my actions? Other than that do you know me well enough to decide that?
Me BH previous user name SEM
WW Senninpaswife previous user name Keep Smiling
Married 16 years - HS sweethearts
2 kids, Boy 15 years, Girl 13 years
WW's Affair #1,2,3,4 @ 1 year into marriage All ONS type PAs
DDay #1 09/11/01 False recovery for 10 years
WW's Affair #5 07/11 - 10/11 with my best friend EA&PA
DDay #2 11/27/11
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What does that mean "who is this"?
Do you think it's fun to see your spouse hurting everyday especially when your the cause?????? It's effing painful.
Do you know what its like to tell your kids that you made a life changing decision in the wrong direction and see them look at you as if you are a disease?
Do you know what its like to be WEAK. Has anyone of you ever had a weakness for something, food, shopping, alcohol, gambling, gossip????
Do you know what its like to sin and carry it around with you beating yourself up asking WHY WHY WHY???
No I guess not, you must be perfect. Do you know what its like for your spouse to behave like an alley cat in heat and have FOUR affairs? ["one-night stands"] Do you know what its like for your spouse to have another affair five years later? Do you know what its like for your spouse to have another affair 10 years later? Do you know what its like for your spouse to screw your best friend? Do you know what its like for your spouse to screw your best friend in YOUR HOUSE? Do you know what its like to have to tell your boss that your CO-WORKER is having sexual relations with your wife and you might have to leave your job? Do you know what its like to have to see your wife's scummy OM at work every day? Do you know what its like to have to hear that your own mother has been screwing our family friend? In our own home? Do you know what its like to find out your "best friend" is shagging your husband? Like I said: NOT SERIOUS!!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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How do I lack empathy? Because Of my actions? Other than that do you know me well enough to decide that? Let me quote the Good Doctor........ Love Busters
The love you and your spouse have for each other is directly affected by almost all of your behavior. This is a point that I will repeat in most of my remaining concepts and Q&A columns. Until now, I have focused attention on behavior that will meet each other's most important emotional needs. When you behave that way, you are caring for each other. But the resulting Love Bank deposits will not do your marriage much good if other behavior leads to Love Bank withdrawals. So to help you gain control over your behavior so that you can learn to avoid making Love Bank withdrawals, I will introduce you to my next basic concept, Love Busters.
Why would any of us hurt the one we promised to love and cherish?
Lack of empathy is at the core of the problem. I was struck with what we are all up against while watching a Star Trek episode. Spock had volunteered to be possessed by an alien presence so that it could communicate with Captain Kirk of the Starship Enterprise.
As soon as it entered Spock's body, its first reaction was, "Oh, how lonely you must all feel."
You see, in the alien world, they were all connected to each other through telepathy so that each one could feel what everyone else felt. They were all emotionally bonded to each other. But as soon as the alien possessed Spock's body, it realized that we humans are all cut off from each other emotionally. And it viewed our state as incredibly isolated and lonely.
One of the most important consequences of our emotional isolation is that we cannot feel the way we affect others. And that creates the temptation to hurt others because in doing so we don't feel the pain we cause. If we were connected emotionally to others as the aliens were, we would be far less tempted to do anything thoughtless, gaining at someone else's expense. That's because in so doing, we would be hurting ourselves as well.
And that's what I always seem to be battling when I try to encourage one spouse to avoid doing anything that would hurt the other spouse. I cannot seem to trigger empathy. Each spouse complains about how thoughtless the other spouse is, without much awareness of his or her own thoughtlessness.
Lack of empathy helps makes thoughtlessness possible. Since we don't feel what other's feel, we tend to minimize the negative effects we have on others, and consider our thoughtlessness to be benign. An angry outburst is regarded by some as a creative expression. Disrespect is viewed as helping the other spouse gain proper perspective. And a demand is nothing more than encouraging a spouse to do what he or she should have done all along. None of these is seen as one spouse gaining at the other's expense, because the spouse who is inflicting the pain does not feel the pain. But whenever one spouse is the cause of the other's unhappiness, one thing's for sure -- Love Bank withdrawals are taking place.
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How do I lack empathy? Because Of my actions? Other than that do you know me well enough to decide that? Studying the wayward mind is something of a science around here. There are a LOT of things about people who go wayward that are very, very similar, typical, and repetitive. The good news is that that can be used to help YOU change many things about the way you think and act that can lead to a happier marriage for you. But one of the things about the wayward mind is that the wayward typically thinks they are unique, special, different from the others, living through a special story that is different from anything else. It's a form of thinking highly of themselves, actually, a form of pride. The unfortunate thing about this is that it can cause them to reject the helpful advice they are given, which has helped hundreds of unfaithful spouses before them, because they believe they are different and the advice does not apply and nobody understands them. They waste their time trying to make other people understand and see that they are different; it would be more helpful for them and lead to a happier situation in life if they would adopt the advice they are given sooner, rather than later.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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How do I lack empathy? Because Of my actions? Other than that do you know me well enough to decide that? YES.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You are, right now, during this discussion, focused on your own pain. You have NOT ONCE mentioned OMW's pain. Her children's pain.
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[quote=MelodyLane][quote=senninpa]
Do you know what its like for your spouse to behave like an alley cat in heat and have FOUR affairs? ["one-night stands"]
Do you know what its like for your spouse to have another affair five years later?
Do you know what its like for your spouse to have another affair 10 years later?
Do you know what its like for your spouse to screw your best friend?
Do you know what its like for your spouse to screw your best friend in YOUR HOUSE?
Do you know what its like to have to tell your boss that your CO-WORKER is having sexual relations with your wife and you might have to leave your job?
Do you know what its like to have to see your wife's scummy OM at work every day?
Do you know what its like to have to hear that your own mother has been screwing our family friend? In our own home?
Do you know what its like to find out your "best friend" is shagging your husband?
Yeah I know what it's like cause I am the one who inflected it...
Yeah I get to hear everyday what he had to endure through the day. I see the pain in his eyes. I see the hurt look. The crushing of his heart being torn. Yeah I see what i caused.
I am the WS
BH, love him dearly
~It's not easy taking my problems one at a time when they refuse to get in line. ~Ashleigh Brilliant
~When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. ~Franklin D. Roosevelt
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I know you feel bad, you got caught..quit making excuses of how bad you feel..didn't feel bad while playing footsies? If you want to start to feel better own what you did and put EP in place to make your husband and family feel safe..yeah it sucks..owell..I bet your husband is hurting 10 times what you are but instead of helping him you just watching him bleed out..Start first aid/CPR!
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[
Yeah I know what it's like cause I am the one who inflected it...
Yeah I get to hear everyday what he had to endure through the day. I see the pain in his eyes. I see the hurt look. The crushing of his heart being torn. Yeah I see what i caused. You saw it 15 years ago. Again 10 years ago. Yet here you are once again. Talking about YOUR pain.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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