ML - I noticed this is a real trend here with waywards, an increase in alcohol and drug use. Have you also found many waywards fall into this more?

Pep - had a great compartimentalize article the other day. I believe the more the wayward compartmentalizes the harder they fall into waywardness. Compartmentalizing shuts humans off from all intimacy. It makes you numb. The harder they try to keep the compartments suppressed the angrier and more depressed they become because the compartments really want to merge with each other.

He was talking about himself, SS, and his almost mythical ability to be edited by the mods.

My WW does not seem to be turning to alcohol more and I have not seen any sign of drug use. She has family history of alcoholism so I will continue to be watchful.

WW is a master at compartmentalizing. She calls it her armor. She puts on layers of armor to protect herself from any feelings or emotions she doesn't want to deal with. I realized early on that nothing what I was doing or saying was making it to her. SY was being shielded by her mental armor.

A short (hopefully) update on things...

WW moved out last Saturday. I got the kids cleaned up and loaded into the car and got away from that whole scene for the day. I told WW that for everyone's safety I would not be present while she moved out plus I didn't want the kids seeing that. More questions for them to ask with crappy answers. Before I left, I told WW that this was not at all how I wanted things to happen, that I felt like I could do only so much from my side and she would have to take things from here, the ball was in her court, and that I hoped that she finds what she is looking for. I spent the day hanging out with some great friends. A very loving family with kids about he same age as mine. We had a blast and they were so supportive (and distracting). They sent me home with enough food for the week which was a huge help.

We met WW for a Sunday brunch and the kids got their photos taken with the big guy in the red suit. The meal went fine and we didn't talk about anything significant. We said our ggoodbye's and I got to explain again that mommy wasn't coming home and she wouldn't be sleeping at the house that night.

The week has gone better than I was expecting as far as my being able to juggle everything with the kids schedules. I scrape them out of bed at 5:45 AM which is an early wake up for both of them. They are good sports about it for the most part. I think keeping busy with kid stuff has been a good distraction for me this week.

I was invited over to the neighbors for supper on Tuesday( WW picked up the kids from school that night). We spent the evening diagnosing what was wrong with WW. I am hearing more and more from people that they think that WW has some kind of serious mental illness. None of us have any expertise in this field mind you (well with one exception) so I realize this isn't exactly a professional evaluation.

WW forwarded me an email notice for an evening seminar coming up. The topic is "Forgiveness and Letting Go of the Past". I just about blew a gasket when I read that. I am in no position to do either of those right now. I controlled myself and didn't even respond.

Any conversations between WW and me seem real cold. I am frustrated with this whole situation and I would guess she is trying to retract as much as possible from her old life.

WW's birthday is tomorrow. I went back and forth all week trying to figure out whether I do anything for her or not. I finally decided to just have some flowers sent to her with a short note (no "I love you" or anything).

WW and I each returned keys to one another (house and car keys). She wrote a short email to me telling me that she would not be dropping by unannounced and asked me to do the same. I wrote her back saying that I had no intention of visiting her apt. I told her that this all feels weird to me and that I just didn't understand why she was doing what she was doing. I told her that I hoped that now that she was in her own space she would be able to decompress to the point to where we could talk about our new path.

WW's IC gave her an order for mandatory meditation! That should solve all of her problems???

I read through pepperband's thread on run of the mill WWs and got really depressed about my situation. FWIW, I think my WW is more of a type 2 than 1 but has traits of both. This whole thing sucks.

So sorry for you and your kids, SS.

I really hope no four legged pets were nearby when you read "WW topic is "Forgiveness and Letting Go of the Past"

If she seeks forgiveness she needs to first REPENT and make amends. Forgiveness is not some entitlement program for selfish waywards.

Thanks. I have been hearing that a lot lately...

I almost felt felt like WW sent me that to get me spun up. I think she is just plain clueless.

No animals were harmed during the receipt of that email. When the dog swiped DD3's breakfast TWICE this week... That dog was not helping things.

SS, in your situation, I would strongly consider going into Plan B sooner rather than later. I can see how she is wearing you down one drip at a time. People who go into Plan B start feeling SUPER after a few weeks of being removed from the circle of abuse.

I can see she is counting on you to be there as a backup and be her "friend." [as evidenced by her stupid fake "forgiveness" email, which only really means 'please ignore my cruel abandonment of my husband and children']

How long have you been in Plan A now? What are your visitation plans? Have you filed for divorce/separation yet?

I agree completely. WW has done absolutely nothing to earn any form of forgiveness from me. She doesn't get it.

I was hoping that WW moving out would relieve me of some of the anxiety I have been experiencing with all of this and it may still (WW has not been gone a week). I have been in Plan A since September. I have not filed any legal paperwork. I have been dragging my feet on all of that. I wanted to see how things were once WW moved out and started her new job. Oh, I am not sure if I mentioned, WW starts work on Monday. One floor down from where I work. great. That should make for an interesting Plan B when I get there. I admit, I have been thinking more and more about the timing of the Plan B. I think I am doing better than I sound. I am pretty tired right now from running around with all of the kid stuff this week and have been going on about 4 hours of rest/night. I seem to get a little touchy when I don't sleep well.

You need to get a sense of her schedule so you know when she's going to and from work. Make note of how she enters and leaves the building. You'll need that info when you get to Plan B so you will be able to avoid bumping into her.

You work at a hospital?

I have her work hour schedule and may need to change mine by about 15 minutes to avoid running into her every day. It will still be difficult to completely avoid her though. Not impossible.

Nope. I work in a building with about 700 other engineers.

Emphasis mine. Make it happen, SS.

Here is an update on things:

Christmas came and went. ILs stayed at the house which was great! MIL flooded the downstairs bathroom/basement while I was at work which was not so great. Cut off the tip of my ring finger making supper and had to go to the emergency room the day after Christmas which was also not so great. WW stayed over at the house on Christmas eve and slept in the bed with me (no SF). I got an email from OMW on Christmas morning letting me know that WW and OM have been talking all along and that she had a hunch that OM might be coming up this way for a visit in the next week or so. Merry F'ing Christmas. That just about ruined my day. I tried to not let it set me off but it was not easy. It was so confusing. WW was there at the house, with the family, sleeping in our bed and at the same time still going on with OM. I told her that I felt like she was still on the fence. Should I not have invited her to Christmas? I think I did the right thing.

The kid swapping has been going ok so far. Not too many hiccups. I am slowly getting a routine down and am able to get everyone rolling and on the road in the morning in time for school.

Our 6th anniversary is tomorrow. A week ago I asked WW if she was interested in going out for dinner. I would take care of a baby sitter and other logistics. She said she had to think about it. The next day we met and she mentioned to me that she hadn't realized it was going to be our anniversary and that she didn't think it would be a good idea to go out. It would seem too much like a date. I am going to be seeing WW tomorrow about something else and was thinking of giving her a card and a small gift. Thoughts? Thanks.

A card and a Plan B letter might make a nice gift.

You're dragging your feet here (and you've been avoiding this place as you conflict avoid your way through this mess). I know it's an emotional matter which isn't your area of strength but playing family over the holidays and sharing a bed with her????? YOU MATTER TOO!


How much custody is/was she asking for? How much is she utilizing?? Are you keeping good documentation...everyday and particularly every night (overnights with the kids count most as you can spend nearly every waking moment with your kids but if they sleep at your spouses house...then she is the primary custodial parent).

If she's HANDING you 90% custody right now...your best bet may be going to Plan B and just sitting on it for awhile (documenting it and hopefully making it the permanent "agreement" later on after actually being the primary custodial parent for 3 - 12 months). If she's not giving you primary custody...you should be considering Plan B plus a divorce filing to protect your children. The fact she gave you exclusive use of the residence puts you somewhat in the driver's seat.

You should be discussing this with your attorney too and strategizing.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

I am still working my plan A right now. My understanding was that part of plan A was to make the home a warm and welcome place to be.

I have been keeping a log of the dates that WW has visitation with the kids. So far, we have agreed to her seeing them on Tuesday nights and every other weekend. They will stay over at her place Friday and Saturday night every other weekend and she will take them out for supper on Tuesday nights. I expect this to continue at least through the end of the school year.