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_SOL #2572005 12/06/11 01:43 PM
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SOL sounds like you are doing well. Sorry to hear Pinky won't step up and be a MOTHER. Ugh. She makes me ill. Be thankful that you are there close by and can fill in the gaps as best you can.

My poor dh had his dss moved away from him far enough that he can't do much to influence their daily lives. Their mother is molding them and their view of their dad--it is very difficult to watch.

My own situation with my ds11 and his dad is not great. Like you though I am very proud of my son's ability to express his feelings and morals and values to his dad.

Have you discussed her violation of the agreement with your attorney? Are you documenting all including her decreased time with boys in hopes of lowering your cs payments?

Dh just got a new job where he will be making a lot more money. As soon as XW finds out she will be pounding down the door for more money. Oh, well part of it.

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Hey Big Bro, glad to hear that things are going somewhat decent for you.

Sucks that Pinky is still very much in a wayward mindset. It boggles the mind when parents do this to their own children. As long as you hold fast to what is right, your boys will know how to behave as adults. Great job being the dad that they need.

On the loneliness thing, I get that. That's what I miss most too. Funny thing is, I see Pinky as also missing that, and that's why she keeps hopping from one to the next to try to fill that void. She doesn't realize that SHE destroyed that, and now you all have to pay the price. You and the boys will fare better than Pinky in the end though, since you are the ones who did things the right way.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
_SOL #2572330 12/07/11 08:52 AM
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I just keep having this same thought go through my head... "so, is this it then? Is this what my life has become?" This is my life, and it's not what it was before.


Right now, you�re just in kind of a holding pattern. I�m sure that it has an almost unreal quality about it, almost like you�re thinking you�ll wake up soon and realize it was just a bad dream. Will be like that for a while yet to come.


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Once again she seems to be placing her needs way above the boys' and will not see that she could be doing any wrong in any way.



I think that the reason you get angry about this is that you want to think that she places the same weight of importance on the same things that you do and in the same priorities. You gotta stop doing that because you already know she�s selfish and her only priority is herself. There is something broken inside of Pinky and she will find herself bouncing from guy to guy until she realizes that it's not something wrong with the men it's something wrong with her. That epihany may never come.

Sometimes it will make you wonder that the only reason that she even takes the kids is to not only keep the child support coming but also to keep up appearances with her parents. It would be one thing to cheat, she probably has been able to do some damage control there by smearing you, and she is their daughter after all; but quite another thing to neglect her children in their eyes.


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while being chased by three women in real life that I enjoy spending time with, but I'm just not that into. I think two of them want to be in a committed relationship and the other one acts as if we already are, lol. Sometimes I think the dating is just not worth the stress and aggregation that comes with it.



You�re smart to recognize this as we talked about before, not being ready or even willing to be in a committed relationship yet. And you�ll find yourself not quite over the anger you had over what happened with your ex-wife. While you want female companionship, getting into a serious relationship right now would be like jumping from the frying pan into the fire.


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Then I look at where I'm at now and I find myself to be quite lonely and somewhat empty inside. I want to just keep things light with dating, but the ones I'm with are making that difficult. At the same time, I do long for that deeper connection and hope to find the 'spark' with someone to have a LTR with. I'm still in no rush and figure it will come in time. Often times I just wonder, what the hell am I really doing?



What you�re doing is feeling your way along, trying to establish a new life on your own terms. Key concept there, your own terms, you now make all of the rules in your life. One of the reasons I said you�re not ready yet for a committed relationship is that as you date some of these women and they start making noises about commitment, they often try to start telling you not only what to do with them but also how, when, where and why you should be doing it. You�ll find yourself getting angry when this happens, something on the order of �who does this woman think she is?� Then the whole betrayal thing and the selfishness comes rushing back at you, and you realize that you don't want to put yourself in another situation where a woman is trying to establish control over your life. You're a very attractive prospect, SOL, nice, stable guy with manners and who treats women well, devoted to his kids, has a good job, and is available NOW, you'll find women that when they start to date you will try to expedite the process of getting you married once again.

The emptiness will go when you get comfortable with the feeling of just being on your own. Nothing wrong with being on your own and answering to nobody but yourself. You�re able to pursue things or interests that you didn�t have the time or inclination to do before. Important to have something for yourself that doesn�t always involve your kids or a date with a woman. Take the time to just be by yourself for a while.

The way to explain to your ex-wife about bringing guys around your kids is that you don't want them to meet someone who isn't going to be there two months later. It's not fair to the boys and what idea do they get about their mother? You've done your best to not demonize her but she's doing a great job of that herself. If she could understand that she is really destroying her image as their mother in their eyes and that is the reason for the clause in the settlement, not you trying to put the kibosh on her social life. What does she think that your boys feel when she is staying over various men's houses and dragging them there? I would tell her that while you don't want to create discord you're going to stand firm about no overnights with boyfriends.


The one constant through all the years has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It's been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past. It reminds us of all that once was good, and it could be again.
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Originally Posted by americajin
The way to explain to your ex-wife about bringing guys around your kids is that you don't want them to meet someone who isn't going to be there two months later. It's not fair to the boys and what idea do they get about their mother? You've done your best to not demonize her but she's doing a great job of that herself. If she could understand that she is really destroying her image as their mother in their eyes and that is the reason for the clause in the settlement, not you trying to put the kibosh on her social life. What does she think that your boys feel when she is staying over various men's houses and dragging them there? I would tell her that while you don't want to create discord you're going to stand firm about no overnights with boyfriends.

Another good thing to tell her is that she is violating a court order and leaving herself open to charges of contempt. And that if you hear of another overnight with the boyfriend in the presence of your kids that you will file. And then follow through.

Your ex-wife has no respect for you or your kids (or herself) and she will keep doing this until something forces her to change. She doesn't really want to go in front of a judge and try to explain this away.


Me: BS 51
Himself: WH 53, EA/PA w/ RunnerSlut his "running buddy."
Buncha' kids. The two youngest are still minors.
Separated: 08/13/09 after 25 years of marriage
Plan D: Filed 11/13/09 Final 3/30/11
MC told me that he probably has a personality disorder
Kirby #2572632 12/07/11 03:01 PM
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I agree with what Kirby wrote.


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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Americajin- thanks. So much of what you said is right on the money. I am still sort of feeling like life is in a holding pattern. I'm genuinely pretty content really. I think I'm just getting used to living as a single parent and it's still a bit strange.

I do get angry because Pinky's actions or inactions have a negative effect on the boys and she doesn't even seem to see it. I also realize that this isn't healthy for me. I understand I cannot influence her. Just frustrated for my boys. I don't think she is smearing me, nor do I care. I still talk to her parents occasionally and we are on good terms. They are still disappointed with her.

You are also very correct about why I bristle when a dating partner tries to act as if we are already in a committed relationship. I make it very clear from the beginning that I am just looking for someone to enjoy some activities together from time to time (and not necessarily sexual). Just somebody to get together with and talk over a meal and hang out. They all nod their head that they understand yet they proceed to act as if we are a 'couple' by calling or texting every day, even when I tell them I would prefer to talk once or twice a week. Maybe it's like you suggest and I'm getting the feeling of being controlled when that is absolutely not what I want.

I have talked to Pinky about the time with the boys. She is taking them back up to Chicago again this weekend but is telling me that she is not including her boyfriend this weekend. I still have my suspicions but she knows where I stand on the subject.


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Kirby and Kay- I will bring up the issue of contempt of the court order if she continues to have him stay with her and the boys. Thanks.


-SOL
_SOL #2573370 12/09/11 08:47 AM
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Limb!~ what's up my good friend?
Once again - Thanks for your devoted service to keeping our country safe. We appreciate it.
Thanks for the update, I was wondering about you as well. [thanks aj for the prompt]

I got a little flash to the wayward world when Pink suggested BF would not be in Chicago. It's a classic wayward end-around to not "plan" to be in the same place at the same time....but gosh, guess what !? things changed and it just serendipitously without any knowledge of anyone that it so happened that his other plans fell through and nobody could have predicted it but jeez there he was and he wound up staying with us......blah blah blah.
To a wayward it's not lying if you can convince everyone that it wasn't planned.

So expect it.
The sadness is that she's probably not careful at all about exposing her kids to this tactic of deceitfulness. So she's teaching her kids how to lie.

Here's the good news I see in your situation. You.
I remember from classes I took in childhood development that kids really only need to have one individual in there lives to inspire them and guide them. Kids from impoverished broken homes can thrive if they have a coach, teacher, librarian, choir director, grandmother, etc. who truly gives them the safety and care they need. That you are spending up to 70% of time with them (I think I predicted something like this) is very hopeful for them. That you are the picture of honesty and integrity is crucially important.

Your influence shows in events like the one you described above where they were able to illustrate their feelings to her in a mature and assertive way.

~opt


Me: 43 y.o. BFWH, D-day 11/11/09 (NC since 9/01)
Divorce from WW final 9/16/10.
Current Status: MB-based Marriage to Nature Girl 12/8/12 (first date on 12/11/10)
Mine: S(16), D(11)
NatureGirls: S(23), D(21)
Another EA Story
_SOL #2748139 08/08/13 09:19 PM
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How are things _SOL?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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