I have a friend who regularly cheats on his girlfriend with a variety of other women. His relationship is not a marriage, but it IS a serious relationship, and his girlfriend is pregnant.

Although he loves the thrill of these "affairs" and dreads the thought being tied down to one woman, he also feels quite guilty about the situation and wishes that he COULD be satisfied in an exclusive relationship. I'd like to know if there's anything I can do to help.

I've read a couple of Dr. Harley's books and think they're fantastic, but my friend's situation seems to fall outside of their scope; Dr. Harley talks about how spouses can meet each others' emotional needs, but my friend seems to have some emotional needs that can't be met by ANY spouse/girlfriend, and which are totally incompatible with an exclusive relationship (while at the same time having other needs that can only be met in an exclusive relationship)...

His incompatible needs seem to be the eternal need to "hunt" (pursue and catch women), and the need for sexual VARIETY (as in the need for multiple women). Dr. Harley doesn't talk about such needs (from what I've read).

To my friend, the thought of settling down with one woman forever fills him with dread - for him it would be the lifestyle of ultimate boredom and would suck the life out of him (at least partially because his need to hunt and his need for sexual variety could not be met). He's also appalled by the men he knows who seem to have become castrated after getting married; who have become domesticated and lost their drive and fire.

But there's another part of him that DOES want a long term relationship, children, etc. Talk about incompatible needs.

Before you say "he just hasn't found the right woman / relationship yet" I should mention that he's had a LOT of girlfriends, fallen in love, but ALWAYS gets bored eventually and is never satisfied for very long in a routine exclusive relationship.

He started "His Needs Her Needs" a couple years ago (on my recommendation) but didn't finish - he got turned off by the fact that there was so much talk of people having affairs where they fall in LOVE with someone besides their spouse... which is not his situation at all. He doesn't fall in love with the women he's having affairs with - in fact he actually PREFERS to have no emotional connection at all with those women - he's just wants some fun and excitement through a purely physical encounter. (I realize that fun and excitement are emotional, but my point is that there's no love involved, or anything close to it)

My friend loves his girlfriend, feels guilty about cheating on her, knows he desn't deserve her for what he does, but has other urges that he just can't resist. He wishes he could be like some men he sees who are happily fulfilled in their relationships or marriages and who have no desires for other women, but he just can't be like them.

What to do?

I would let the girlfriend know what he does by writing out a list with names, dates, details and give it to her. This way she can make an informed decision about whether or not she wants to waste her time on a loser. She has a right to know all of this information.

And secondly, I would choose better friends.

p.s. as far as what your friend should do: he should stay single. He is not marriage material.

I just asked my wife if I've become castrated after marriage.

She laughed.

Maybe your friend's never seen men in a good marriage.

Joe,
He isn't a friend worth helping or having.

The following is a saying for a reason

"You can tell the character of a man by the company he keeps."

and/or

"Look at a man's friends and you will see the man."

If you want a great life, pick friends with more quality that don't need such intense help.

Also, he doesn't have a "need" for sexual variety or a "need" to hunt. He just likes catting around. He has complete control over his "urges". It he doesn't, then he should be locked up because he is dangerous. He is not the kind of guy that should get married and has no business being in a relationship with any woman unless he is honest with her about his promiscuous behavior. That's ok if he wants to live like a skank, but he has no right to take down others into his sewer life.

You might let him know that he will die a very lonely, isolated man with that kind of lifestyle. Being that he is a baby daddy, his children will be stuck with taking care of him in his old age. But they will have a low regard for him.

It is totally normal and common for a man happy in a relationship or in marriage to continue to feel physical desire for other women.

But since we are humans and not animals, we don't have to act on every impulse we have. We can think it over and decide if acting on our impulse is worth it or not. We can decide if it would hurt someone we care about, someone who cares about us; we can decide if hurting that person would ruin our life or not, and we can incorporate that information into our decision.

Are you married Joe? If you are I would keep your wife well away from this guy, since he likes a 'challenge'

And I agree - pick better friends.

Here's what would happen if I did that:

• I would lose a friend, and so would he.
• The opportunity for the right thing to happen (for him to tell her himeself) would be lost forever.
• I'd lose the ability to have any positive influence over my friend.
• I'd lose the opportunity to prevent the suffering of countless women in the future by helping my friend to change.

I'm aware of that. I'm also hopeful that it's possible for people to change.

Everyone is worth helping.

The same thing could be said about any of your "needs"... maybe you just "like" affection and don't actually need it. In my friend's case, it seems to me like he really does have those needs. I'm trying to understand why, how they should be dealth with, and whether they can change.

I am single - not in any relationship.

What a relief to see a reply that isn't an "angry outburst". I totally agree with you - that's how I think also. But some people don't think that way, and have impulses so strong that they find them exceedingly hard to resist. My friend has another male friend who is happily married. This married friend shows my cheating friend, through both words and example, the joy that can come from a good exclusive relationship... and yet to my cheating friend it all still seems so unappealing. I don't understand why, or what can be done about that.

First off, you are not a "friend" to this man. You are an accessory to the crime. There is a big difference between enabling someone and being their friend. You don't seem to understand the difference. A real "friend" helps the person be his best, an enabler helps the person be his WORST. You are doing the latter. All you are doing is covering up his crimes. An enabler is not a "friend." And if he wakes up some day and does change, he will not remember you fondly for this. You will be the kind of "friend" he will dump right away.

This woman's need to know she is being harmed behind her back greatly supercedes your misguided notions of "friendship."

The "right thing to happen" is that this woman is informed of what your scuzzy "friend" is doing behind her back. It doesn't matter one whit where that information comes from. If someone embezzles your money or molests your daughter do you CARE who tells you? Of course not. Your need to know supercedes any silly notions over who is the right person to tell. Anyone who knows has a moral obligation to tell her.

She is being exposed to STDs by this skank and is being harmed behind her back. Would you use that excuse if someone were embezzling her money? Well, she is being exposed to much worse. And she probably envisions a future with loser boy that will never happen.

You need to use more discretion about the kind of company you keep. When you choose friends, one is expected to have some standards. I don't see any standards here whatsoever. What kind of a person chooses friends who lie and cheat? And what kind of person tolerates such friends?


How does driving the getaway car constitute a "positive influence" over your friend? You would have much more influence over your friend in a positive way if you would stop enabling him and tell him to hit the road if he doesn't stop being a skank. Enabling him to be a bad man is not "influencing" him in a positive way.


The same thing could be said about any of your "needs"... maybe you just "like" affection and don't actually need it. In my friend's case, it seems to me like he really does have those needs. I'm trying to understand why, how they should be dealth with, and whether they can change.[/quote]

You don't understand emotional needs. You somehow completely missed the point. Emotional needs are what you do for the other person to create romantic feelings in the context of an exclusive relationship. Affection is what I "need" in order to feel romantic love for my husband. I don't "need" affection outside of those parameters. It is not what you do yourself. Obviously chasing other women is not a part of the creation of romantic relationship and obviously chasing women will not make his gf fall in love with him.

And lastly, I would again emphasize that you learn to use some discretion when choosing friends. The friends you choose are direct reflection on your
OWN character. Your friend is a sleazeball and if you climb in the gutter with him, you will get dirty yourself.

Victims, in particular, are worth helping.

Someone like your 'friend' who willfully and intentionally inflicts cruelty onto his domestic partner .... You can help him after he stops being so reckless and so cruel.

PS to Mel ~~~>

You truly want to help your friend in a positive way? Then go tell his girlfriend what he is doing behind her back. Tell his parents what he is doing. Then go to him and say, "Skanky, as your friend, I refuse to stand by while you behave like an alley cat in heat and harm others in your pursuits. I care too much to watch you degrade yourself. I will not be a witness to your personal destruction and the destruction of others. If you want to remain my friend, then you have to raise your standards and stop acting like a loser."

THAT, is how a real friend acts. A true friend does not sit by idly while his friend harms others and degrades himself. THAT will give him motivation to change.

But I get the sense that you don't even comprehend he is doing something wrong, do you?

Joe, you are posting on a thread where many of us have been betrayed. Where many of our friends and our spouses' friends knew and watched us suffer in silence for months or years. Many is the time I cried out of sheer frustration because nothing I did changed my relationship � because I was left in ignorance as to what was wrong and how to help myself.

Your insistence on keeping this man�s secret and in helping him betray this poor woman � and then coming here to tell us that your staying silent is somehow moral � is breathtakingly insensitive.

I weep for this poor girl and for her child too. Do not comfort yourself that ignorance is bliss. She knows something is wrong. She just doesn�t know whether or not to trust her instincts because everyone around her � including you � is lying to her.

Whenever she gets a hint of the truth, I bet she comforts herself with the knowledge that his friends are really nice, would not let him do that, would not cover for him. I did.

We have a history of helping waywards on here. We usually do that with the truth.

Cheating is an addiction and tough love is the only hope an addict has. The truth must be told widely. There must be an intervention from those who care about them and demands made to change. If they refuse, people must let them hit rock bottom � they cannot enable, help, hide and keep secrets, which is what you are doing.

You might as well build him a hut to cheat in - THAT is what your silence does. Provides space and opportunity.

But on the other hand I guess you might lose a friend.

So his pregnant girlfriend will just have to figure it out for herself.

If you truly want your friend to change, Joe, then you must help him to hit bottom. So far, his lifestyle is working for him, because he has "great friends" like you who help him make it possible.

Now, I am all for the catch-and-release program, when one is single and flagrantly so. I was on it myself at one time, 'here for a good time, not for a long time'. I see no problem whatsoever with that. I went on a lot of great dates, did a lot of cool things. It's very easy for women, lol. However, it is cruel to lead someone to believe that you are exclusive with them, and not be.

Your friend feels guilt for what he's doing, correct? Good, then he's not completely heartless. HELP HIM, by exposing who he truly is, to everyone important in his life. It's only by seeing himself in THEIR eyes that he will stop this destruction. Right now, he cats around without getting caught. Put a stop to that.

Let me give you a little scenario to think about your 'friendship' with this guy. He's got a baby on the way. He feels guilt. Your best scenario, I think, is that he will stop this, stay with the baby momma and live happily ever after, right? The truth is going to come out sooner or later whether you tell or not. So, lets imagine your friend does come around and straightens up and marries this girl, and she finds out you were complicit with his cheating ways. Guess what happens then? Friend then will have to choose you or his girl, and guess who he'll choose (if he is really reformed)? You will be dumped like the piece of garbage 'friend' that you are. She will never allow you around. EVER.

Or, you can be both of their hero by helping them to live with honesty.

Your choice.

Actually, I think that cheating on someone is one of the most terrible things that anyone can do to another person. Why do you think I joined this forum yesterday?

I'd respond to the rest of what you wrote but from the tone of your writing I don't think you'd be able to hear anything I say. I think you misunderstand the role that I'm playing.

That thought gives me no comfort whatsoever.

I am not lying to her, and I will never lie to her. I'm also not covering for my friend. I do not see or speak to his girlfriend - I've told my friend that I can't do so as long as he's cheating on her.

Yes, I agree completely. And this girl absolutely has a right to know what is happening. But if I could convince my friend to tell her himself tomorrow, would that not be infinitely better than me telling her today?

I'm realizing that that may have been a mistake

If I am misunderstanding, then why don't you explain it?

Why not respond to my points? If you think cheating is such a terrible thing then why don't you warn this poor woman? Why do you befriend someone who does something so terrible?


Why is that a "mistake?" Because you are hearing something you don't like? That is not an open minded approach, but the approach of someone who is just looking for validation of pre-formed views.


How so? The goal is to tell her the truth. That is unlikely to come from your friend. A better way is to tell her yourself and then tell your friend you have told her the truth. Trying to force him to tell her will not magically transform him into an honest person. It will only interfere with getting her the truth.

...or an argument. Your posts, right from the off, smell of an agenda.

You have this backwards. The right thing would be to see and speak to the GF and NOT see or speak to your creepy friend.

If you don't tell the girlfriend, then you most certainly are covering up for your friend. It is immoral to not tell her. There is no excuse to not contact her. If someone's child was being molested would you use this excuse to not warn her parents? ["I don't see or speak to her parents"]

And keep in mind, if he does marry her and come to his senses, you will be the kind of friend she will make him get rid of once she finds out that you KNEW and didn't tell her. You are a toxic friend and will be viewed as such if you help him cover up his behavior.

Good luck with that, joe

I dont know why addicts dont arrange their own interventions more often - but somehow they just dont!

If you are confident you can get through to him - try this.

Day one - Buddy, you must tell your girlfriend you are cheating on her.

If he then does not, you can at least tell yourself you tried and then move on to doing the job properly.