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I've been reading over old emails to try and teach Amy who I was, and I read an email chain from about 5 days after our "false" D-Day two years ago.
I didn't trust Amy to deal with what I had done to her, so I controlled the situation and kept lying to her because I didn't trust that we could recover from it. I thought I could change despite hiding the awful truth from her. Instead, that guilt ate away at me slowly and made real change impossible.
MY GOD, AMY TOLD ME DIRECTLY TWO YEARS AGO EXACTLY WHAT WOULD HAPPEN - AND IT'S HAPPENING NOW.
She said:
"If you haven't [told her everything] I honestly believe there will be no healing and hope for us with the lies still being hidden. Only you can listen to your soul and know if you've told me everything. If you have and God has forgiven you and you start anew and are washed clean, than *I* am able to figure out how to heal. I need you to be there for me, put me first, SHOW me you are changed and in this 100% and be the wonderful husband that I know deep down you can be.
I hope this makes sense. Did you do the right thing in telling me? Yes. Did you obey God by telling me? Yes. Does it make the rebuilding of trust process harder? Yes. Does it hurt like hell? YES. But, I'm still sitting here and I'm still TRYING, and trying hard, so you need to as well or there is no hope for us."
It's so awful to see her hope and her kindness during that time when she should have been so angry - and think that if I'd had the courage to trust her and God we might be 2 years into recovery right now instead of headed for divorce.
I sat sobbing uncontrollably in my office for a good 5-10 minutes and then decided to get out my bible and pray. I prayed to God to forgive me for not having faith in Amy and to give me another chance to fix this and that I would love her as He intended me to love her. That I would raise my children to love Him and serve Him.
Then I asked him to speak to me directly.
I opened up to a random page in my bible and read this: Malachi 2:10-17 10 Have we not all one Father? Did not one God create us? Why do we profane the covenant of our fathers by breaking faith with one another? 11 Judah has broken faith. A detestable thing has been committed in Israel and in Jerusalem: Judah has desecrated the sanctuary the LORD loves, by marrying the daughter of a foreign god. 12 As for the man who does this, whoever he may be, may the LORD cut him off from the tents of Jacob�even though he brings offerings to the LORD Almighty. 13 Another thing you do: You flood the LORD�s altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. 14 You ask, �Why?� It is because the LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. 15 Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. 16 �I hate divorce,� says the LORD God of Israel, �and I hate a man�s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment,� says the LORD Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith.
Last edited by Schlag; 12/08/11 05:56 PM.
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I've been reading over old emails to try and teach Amy who I was, and I read an email chain from about 5 days after our "false" D-Day two years ago.  Eric, why are you trying to teach Amy who you were? She KNOWS who you were. This is not focusing on recovering yourself or your marriage (should Amy change her mind). Amy already stated she doesn't want you teaching her, she wants to see you changing. I didn't trust Amy to deal with what I had done to her, so I controlled the situation and kept lying to her because I didn't trust that we could recover from it. I thought I could change despite hiding the awful truth from her. Instead, that guilt ate away at me slowly and made real change impossible. MY GOD, AMY TOLD ME DIRECTLY TWO YEARS AGO EXACTLY WHAT WOULD HAPPEN - AND IT'S HAPPENING NOW. Truly, she was a prophet. Eric, what did you think was going to be the outcome? You have continued to lie, you just recently ferreted away pregnancy pics (after she TOLD YOU how she felt about that), and now you are trying to "teach her" about your past instead of demonstrating what you are now. You are running in every direction but down the recovery path.She said: "If you haven't [told her everything] I honestly believe there will be no healing and hope for us with the lies still being hidden. Only you can listen to your soul and know if you've told me everything. If you have and God has forgiven you and you start anew and are washed clean, than *I* am able to figure out how to heal. I need you to be there for me, put me first, SHOW me you are changed and in this 100% and be the wonderful husband that I know deep down you can be.
I hope this makes sense. Did you do the right thing in telling me? Yes. Did you obey God by telling me? Yes. Does it make the rebuilding of trust process harder? Yes. Does it hurt like hell? YES. But, I'm still sitting here and I'm still TRYING, and trying hard, so you need to as well or there is no hope for us." It's so awful to see her hope and her kindness during that time when she should have been so angry - and think that if I'd had the courage to trust her and God we might be 2 years into recovery right now instead of headed for divorce. I sat sobbing uncontrollably in my office for a good 5-10 minutes and then decided to get out my bible and pray. I prayed to God to forgive me for not having faith in Amy and to give me another chance to fix this and that I would love her as He intended me to love her. That I would raise my children to love Him and serve Him. Then I asked him to speak to me directly. I opened up to a random page in my bible and read this:[/color] Malachi 2:10-17 Nice... But you need to get your act together. You won't have the opportunity to "malachi" because you are running in all directions.
Last edited by celticvoyager; 12/08/11 07:09 PM.
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Eric,
I also wanted to post to you that while what Amy is totally responsible for her actions and choices, you need to see that your continued disrespectful judgments are fueling her anger, fear and desire for revenge.
Your failure to get a handle on your own self is directly affecting her still.
CV
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Amy is not dating to inflict revenge on me. She has told me to leave so I am not around to see it. Of course I'll know it's going on either way, but she doesn't want me here because it's not healthy for me to deal with her dating in front of me while I'm trying to become the man I need to be. While it is very difficult to deal with, it is very important for me to prove to her that I want her and only her. When I'm still here fighting for her in 5 months, no matter what she does in her dating life, she will believe me.
Also, she never dated anyone in a real way before we got married. Not even me. Our relationship started out bass-ackwards with sex first and then love after. She is going out to see what is out there. Would I rather she wait until our divorce is final? Yes. Would I rather have 5 months to show her the man I can be for her? Yes. Is she giving it to me? No. I have to play the hand I'm dealt. Yes it is making my work on myself more difficult but it is also an opportunity to show her what I'm made of, if I can hold it together. So far it's been mixed results. She has been opening up to me about it the last few days but now I've messed things up by reacting to it this morning to her stepdad (my mentor in all this) and she is now cutting off the communication about it.
One thing is for sure - the best way to make her do something is to tell her she shouldn't be doing it so you guys aren't really helping the situation crapping all over her. She probably won't even be back here to read it. When you all tell her she's wayward she just talks about getting the divorce accelerated so she can be free of this marriage sooner. That's not what I want.
Last edited by Schlag; 12/12/11 02:31 PM.
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Schlag, stay off your wife's thread. We know more about revenge affairs than you do, okay? You are not helping anything by reading her thread and telling us how to post.
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Even if I didn't care about your marriage, Schlag, what Amy is doing is destructive to her and your children. They deserve at least one responsible parent to protect them, but now they have NONE.
By becoming wayward, she is throwing your children under the bus. I won't stop telling her to STOP.
Last edited by Prisca; 12/12/11 02:53 PM.
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Even if I didn't care about your marriage, Schlag, what Amy is doing is destructive to her and your children. They deserve at least one responsible parent to protect them, but now they have NONE.
By becoming wayward, she is throwing your children under the bus. I won't stop telling her to STOP.
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ITA stay off of her thread. It is harmful to you both if we spend time arguing with you about how we are helping the other one.
YOU should be Plan Aing her, and telling her that you do NOT condone her actions in dating.
Honestly, I don't care what her excuses are for committing ADULTERY, she is guilty of it.
None of us have enough control over her actions to MAKE her commit adultery. Adultery is WRONG. Let us help her, and you focus on helping yourself.
Call the Harleys, or email Joyce and get on the radio show. You two need some SERIOUS help.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Even if I didn't care about your marriage, Schlag, what Amy is doing is destructive to her and your children. They deserve at least one responsible parent to protect them, but now they have NONE.
By becoming wayward, she is throwing your children under the bus. I won't stop telling her to STOP. Right, nobody is hurt if nobody knows, right? Simple liar's logic. 
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Even if I didn't care about your marriage, Schlag, what Amy is doing is destructive to her and your children. They deserve at least one responsible parent to protect them, but now they have NONE.
By becoming wayward, she is throwing your children under the bus. I won't stop telling her to STOP. Right, nobody is hurt if nobody knows, right? Simple liar's logic.
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Right, nobody is hurt if nobody knows, right? Simple liar's logic. You're still thinking like a wayward, Schlag.
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I understand that you disagree - thats why I'm asking. Can you explain how they are hurt please? Because her children need a whole and healthy mother.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Anyway, I'm pretty sure we'll all keep our own counsel on what to say to Amy. I suggest that you work on you.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I understand that you disagree - thats why I'm asking. Can you explain how they are hurt please? Because her children need a whole and healthy mother. Not a wayward mother, who thinks only of herself and her own desires. She will say that's not how she is, she will even lie to herself about it. But if she's wayward, then it describes her to a T. Wayward = unfit parent. They will be emotionally, spiritually, and morally neglected.
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Right, nobody is hurt if nobody knows, right? Simple liar's logic. Seriously? They didn't know about your adultery, did they? By implication, they haven't been hurt by it. Is that what you're arguing? Nah. You're not arguing that. You're playing "good cop" to Amy so that we can be "bad cop". You're just doing it on the wrong issue.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Right, nobody is hurt if nobody knows, right? Simple liar's logic. Seriously? They didn't know about your adultery, did they? By implication, they haven't been hurt by it. Is that what you're arguing? Nah. You're not arguing that. You're playing "good cop" to Amy so that we can be "bad cop". You're just doing it on the wrong issue.
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Trying to defend her waywardness!
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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See, Schlag. How is this helping you with YOUR changes? It is distracting to argue with it. Work on YOURSELF. Let us help posters in a way that will help THEM, as we try to help you.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Well, if my children are going to be harmed by what she is doing I need to speak eloquently and carefully to bring this to her attention.
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Well, if my children are going to be harmed by what she is doing I need to speak eloquently and carefully to bring this to her attention. Do you really intend to do this? We've been telling her, and you're telling us to stop.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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