Yeah, I'm really struggling this week to want to meet her needs. I just don't feel like doing it. I have to continually remind myself that in the end it will be worth it, but I guess I'm just at the bottom of a hill on that roller coaster.

Hi .. I am just catching up on your thread .. I noticed you said several times your wife has no energy. I mention this becasue My wife had not much energy aswell .. Now my wife didnt have an affair to the extent of a PA but her energy levels were really shot with all the responsibilities of life that succumbed her.

I did some reasearch on some natural products and I found one called Maca Root. It does EVERYTHING is says it does .. it increases energy .. libido .. balances horomones .. etc. Do some research on your own about it and try it out. You may find the results surprisingly effective. Maca takes about 3-5 days of full dose to take effect. And MAN does it work like a charm for my wife and I. WE can take our dose .. and the results are that we have energy left at the end of the day after kids are in bed and chores are done for our UA time. Its great! My wife would contest to it too .. and she was even more skeptical than I was.

www.macaroot.com
www.macatalk.com
www.macasex.com

You can probably find other sources .. but those are a good start.

MNG

I just saw you say your wife likes affection afterwards. Not sure if this well help but I LOVE LOVE LOVE for my dh to WANT me to lay my head on his chest while he lightly strokes my back with his finger tips. It feels light and sweet and makes me feel so good. I will also say it help orgasism last even longer as a woman. Hopefully that is not too much info for this board LOL.

Tammy

She does like affection and she doesn't feel like I short change her in that department. She says she would like a little more conversation, but I just run out of things to say. I'm just not that chatty and never have been. I do try to hang out with her and ask questions which will usually keep the conversation going, but I'm not one of those people that can talk about nothing. Things were better today, I didn't feel as down, but our work schedules are destroying any UA time that we had scheduled for this week. I can't wait for the weekend.

M3M, never really has a problem with climax for her, but we do some of that stuff you talked about now more than in the past.

We sometimes run out of conversation ideas, too, IP. We live on a small island and live a pretty quiet life, for the most part. After H talks a bit about work and we catch up, discuss plans and some other things, we do occasionally have a lull...

SO...

We pull out a list of, believe it or not, casual conversation starters.

Here's a few of the "starters." We each take a turn.

What kind of job do you want to have in 20 years?
What would you like to do to become famous?
If you could have been someone in history, who would you have been?
What TV or movie star would you like to invite to your party?

We have two pages of these little jump start questions for those times, and they're kind of fun.

I like those, care to share more LWFH?

Does anyone have a sample of a post nuptial agreement that I could use?

I posted them in "Other Topics" this morning. Here's the link.

Conversation Starters

Thanks LWFH, I asked my wife one of those questions and she was like "where did that come from?"

Merry Christmas to everyone!

So, it's been a couple of months now and things aren't working for me. I feel like giving up. I asked her to move out today. I can't overcome these feelings of sexual inadequacy. I can't deal with her occasional negative responses about SF. I just want to feel normal again, like there is nothing wrong with me and be in a relationship where I don't always wonder if I'm pleasing my partner. She said she would move out, but we'll see.

"Never make a decision today without thinking about tomorrow."

Have you. Your posts seem to show you are only hung up on the past and worrying.

Well you know you're are the roller coaster ride?

Do you know that at the 6 month mark after dday the anger phase starts.

And lasts for about 6 months?

Do you know that we say recovery takes 2 to 5 years and you are not even 1 year post day?

There is a reason why we say you should wait before you make any important decisions. How about waiting for the anger phase to end?

Then while you are meeting your WW needs keep your mouth shut.

No WW wants to be told/complained to why how SF with the OM was better for her. Usually WW say that SF was good because their judgement is clouded by the adrenaline rush of the forbidden, of being bad, and no one catching her.

Plus with WW work and everything else she is dead tired which makes her want to put off SF, let alone do it enthusiastically because you're always turning SF into a three some with the OM's memories for WW.

How often do you talk about the PA with WW?

Did WW trickle truth you?

Is all your questions answered?

Then time to stop the talking on daily or even weekly basis. I can understand if something never came up before or all of a sudden something you were told does not make sense but these questions need to be few and far between with no response from you except for saying thank you for clearing that.

WW's have to heal as well. But you keep picking at her scab constantly.

Stop acting like you're the only one this has happened to.

Are those negative responses a criticism of something you are doing and she's not phrasing it very well? For example, "I don't like it when you....." could be easily changed to "I like it when....."

Do you ask her for her ideas on how you can please her/what she wants during SF?

Your spouse's betrayal hurts deeply, but before your wife moves out and your little daughter's family becomes another statistic, why not consider calling Dr. Harley or even calling their counseling center for a couple of sessions?

ROAD,

Have you. Your posts seem to show you are only hung up on the past and worrying.
-YES, I do get triggered when she isn't focused on me during UA time or sexual fulfillment.

Well you know you're are the roller coaster ride?
YES, i harbor a lot of resentment. While I was serving my country for the last three years overseas, my wife was using me while shopping for a new
husband.

Do you know that at the 6 month mark after dday the anger phase starts.
-No
And lasts for about 6 months? NO

Do you know that we say recovery takes 2 to 5 years and you are not even 1 year post day? 5 years is a long time

There is a reason why we say you should wait before you make any important decisions. How about waiting for the anger phase to end? I'm trying but I'm losing my patience, I thought this emotional roller coaster would subside by now.

Then while you are meeting your WW needs keep your mouth shut.
-You worded this statement poorly, it makes me wanna have an angry outburst towards you. I'll hold it in.

No WW wants to be told/complained to why how SF with the OM was better for her. Usually WW say that SF was good because their judgement is clouded by the adrenaline rush of the forbidden, of being bad, and no one catching her.
-well, do you think that's what she told me?

Plus with WW work and everything else she is dead tired which makes her want to put off SF, let alone do it enthusiastically because you're always turning SF into a three some with the OM's memories for WW.
-I'm sorry, I thought eight hours of sleep a day are enough for adults. I've been getting by on 4-5 a night just fine.

How often do you talk about the PA with WW? Every time she makes sex seem like a burden.

Did WW trickle truth you? -yes

Is all your questions answered? -no, but apparently talking about affair is counter productive according to Dr. H

Then time to stop the talking on daily or even weekly basis. I can understand if something never came up before or all of a sudden something you were told does not make sense but these questions need to be few and far between with no response from you except for saying thank you for clearing that.

WW's have to heal as well. But you keep picking at her scab constantly.
- heal from what? Getting all their needs met and then being told playtime is over?

Stop acting like you're the only one this has happened to.
ARE YOU F@$KING SERIOUS! You sound like a WH.

LWFH,

We usually do things during SF that is pleasing to her ninety percent of the time. I've read Dr. H's article on lack of desire in wives, so I'm willing to do the positions and foreplay that she enjoys most.
I think the real issue is the lack of planning, which we did two weeks ago and it worked well, but last week we only had two days for the opportunity due to Christmas and she made statements both times that made me feel she just had no interest in it, which does not make it fulfilling at all and makes massive love bank withdrawals for me. We are going to continue to try and plan, but if that doesn't work, she agreed to use our tax return for counseling with the Harley's.

IP,

I agree that once all of your questions have been answered then the affair questions should end, but you still have been given a lame story about how it was only oral sex. I don't know how you can see yourself 10 years from now with doubt remaining.

I only wish I had found this place 20+ years ago, I would have gotten the full truth or left, now with all these years passed it is so much more difficult.

God Bless
Gamma

Okay, that's good. For whomever the need is less, the fulfilling of that need should be all about person desiring it less.


Scheduling time during the holidays is a challenge for many married couples; however, the undivided attention is needed as badly as ever. The time needs to scheduled, put on the calendar and the date kept.

Why is it your wife is not interested? Is she tired? It sounds like the willingness for SF is still a problem for your wife.

It is often difficult for a woman to go from work mode in the office to work mode at home to switching gears to SF.

It's tough that the way humans are built (in general) is that men have a constant building up of the need for SF--a drive for it. But women don't, not in the same way. Many include it in their top 10, but not necessarily in their top 5, because of that lack of drive/craving for it.

Would your wife consider cutting back on her hours so she's not as tired? She could see a doctor and find out if she's tired due to a medical reason, such as anemia. Some doctors will prescribe small doses of testosterone to women to help build up the sex drive a bit. It works well for some, not so well for others, but it's worth asking about.

Would she considering posting here? The board is forthright but kind to FWWs. If she is still foggy, she will be called out, but folks here really want to help.

Up in the Marriage Builders 101 board, there was a recent thread about a woman with several children and a fulltime job who never wanted SF, and she's being helped.

My final question is: would you say that your wife is in love with you?

I'm going to offer my usual caveat to this kind of statistic. The typical number Dr. Harley uses is "two years" for recovery. The main reason is because after two years of time spent working MarriageBuilders together, your relationship should be better than it has ever been. If it is not better than it has ever been, then it's probably time to identify the issues that keep you from making the marriage better than it has ever been, and separate with the intent of divorce if they cannot be remedied.

After two years, are you still going to have triggers? Sure, from time to time. It should be rare, but it may happen. Are you occasionally going to have down days as a result of your spouse's infidelity? Yep, that's going to happen, too.

But it's a matter of degree. I still have down days from time to time when I think of the death of various loved ones who've been gone for years. Feeling a little blue is different from the intense pain of discovering your spouse's infidelity in scale, not type.

So although "five years" is bandied about a lot, realize that in practice it means "two years": within two years from getting on board with recovery together, you'll either be in love with your spouse again and your marriage will be better than it ever has been, or you'll know it's time to hang up the cleats and file for divorce.

Gamma,

At this point it doesn't really matter anymore. Is there doubt.....yeah, but I think about it less and less the harder she tries to meet my needs. I suspect she did have sex, she swears to God that she didn't. If she told me she did would it change my desire to to make the marriage work? Proly not. It would hurt that she lied for so long, but thats between her and God come judgement day. She wants my forgiveness and i have given it when its not deserved. My daughter needs a full time father to help develop her moral compass, I seriously doubt my wife could do it alone and work. Am I just staying for my daughter, hell yes, but I dont want a loveless marriage.

LWFH,

I'll have to ask if she will post here. She's not very open to talking about the affair, even with her counselor. I personally think her low energy levels are due to a lack of exercise. She has always been a naturally low body fat petite build until she had a baby and she recently had elevated cholesterol levels, but she has lacked motivation to start working out. I've been trying to do as much of the household chores to get rid of any feelings of not enough time.

Do I think she's in love with me? I would say resoundingly yes, but my occasional lapses when I start thinking about the affair is a LB for her. She says she can see it on my face every time I think about it, but she asks so I tell her. I'm just being honest. This week has started off good. Had some good IC yesterday and SF today before daughter got home. Both planned. We'll see how the rest of the week goes.

Over the years, and I read here for many years before I joined. In that time I have seen poster's say that they knew they were on the road to recovery at the two year mark but recovery took more time to complete.

Everyone is different. Sometimes anger phase, sometimes no, HB, no HB, SF never stopped, it took over a year to get SF worked out.