Found out wife had an affair with coworker last month. Confronted her and told her I won't leave and could forgive her.
She was so apologetic first week and then switched to mad and resentful with me the last two weeks. Yesterday, our first counseling appointment, she told me she needs to leave to find the happiness within herself. She's calling it a separationg.

I have been begging and pleading with her to giive me 6 months to show her I can change and to keep our family together. She keeps telling me she needs to focus on herself.

I have been reading books and going to marriagebulders.com trying to make a consciuos effort. She keeps getting mad saying "now you make an effort."

Her affair partner's wife called me tonight......she was viewing bank statements and saw charges in vacaville.....put them at a restaurant 4 hours after our marriage counseling session where she told me she wants a separation!!!!

Found out she had been lying to me and still seeing her lover. Kicked her out last night, she packed today. When I came home she was still here, followed me upstairs and asked if we could talk. I told her not right now.

How can I do "no contact" when we have 2 small children and
both work crazy shiftwork??

In my letter I put "Contact only regarding separation arrangements and to discuss children," but how is this "no contact" ?

I don't know what to do? I want to make sure she sees kids, she is there mom, but I don't want her here when I'm here, becasue otherwise it's not plan b.

Any suggestions?????? Aaarrrggggggggg

Hi hurting, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry you are here. Please do yourself a favor and change your screen name or people will NEVER remember your story from the other 1000 screen names that start with "hurting" "hoping" "desperate." You will get much more help that way.

As far as contact, you would ask someone to be your intermediary who would act as a spam filter between you and your wife. You should change the locks and not allow her into your home. If your children are too little to be dropped off and picked up from the drive way, you can set up child exchanges at a neighbor's home. I would make a visitation schedule, have the IM send it to her and try to keep to it strictly. Don't give her any overnights for now, though, unless she has a stable home to take the kids. [like grandparents]

Have you exposed the affair to her parents, family members and the workplace? It is real important that you calm yourself down and start acting STRATEGICALLY rather than emotionally or you will lose. Please read the link in my signature and then go read this: Plan B

Can I ask why you went into Plan B so soon? What do you know about Plan B and where did you learn it? Is this her first rodeo?

There will be others here that can help you more, but I think you are getting ahead of yourself.

What do you want? Do you want to reconcile?

Your wife said the things all waywards say while the affair is active.

Like I asked, do you want to save the marriage?

Have you exposed widely to everyone important to put pressure on the affair. This is vital, the affair must be over. Did you expose at her work? Do they both still work there.

First and foremost that there can be no contact forever.

Do you want to reconcile? Then kill the affair first. No contact must begin. Once that happens, withdrawal from the affair can start.

Do you want to save your marriage?

1. How do I change my screen name?

2.Affair exposed to everyone.

3. Not sure if changing locks would work....we are in L.E. and she works nights and I work days. She has moved in with her Mom, which is a 2BR retirement community home. We do not have neighbors we trust and Grandma is not always available.
I thought, maybe, she could visit them before I get home, but was not expecting her to still be here...thought Grandma would be. Maybe she will have to visit them at Grandma's and I pick them up?? But don't know how to do it?

We still have not told kids......I was thinking of texting wife this: After we tell kids tomorrow, I will have to have us use someone to communicate through and we will have to figure out visiting.....maybe p/u or drop off in front of house or grandmas...i can't have you in this house, too painful"

In your "my stuff" area.


The best way to do it is to drop them off at Grandmas for visits. And you should change your locks if you are serious about going into Plan B.

But I am concerned about your decision to go into Plan B. Why so soon? What do you KNOW about Plan B? Where did you learn it? Is this her first affair?

How long has the affair gone on? What does her mother think about her affair?

Has the affair been exposed at her workplace? What was their response?

We need alot more information to understand your situation.

1. Yes want to save marriage / reconcile.
2. yes they are co-workers.
3. no i have not told her work, but want to, but thought this might lead to more anger/resentment.
4. all family and my co-workers know

*YOU* tell the kids yourself. Tonight.

As for the rest of your plan, I would calm down and stop being a loose cannon. Don't text her or speak to her until you have calmed down and come up with a PLAN. You can't afford to fly by the seat of your pants. You don't work out a plan WITH HER. You develop a plan yourself and then communicate that to her.

still reading surving an affair....but after the lover's wife called me, and caught her lie, I could not have her in the house.
i wrote the sincere no-contact letter, but did not think about changing locks...thought i could allowq her to visit the kids here if i was not here

EA probably 2 months, PA prob 1 month

her mom is pissed, sad, and hurting

The goal here is to save your marriage, not to avoid your wife's anger. Your marriage can survive her anger, it can't survive an ongoing affair. If you look at the link in my signature you will find a workplace exposure letter that needs to be sent to the Director of Human Resources, a key VP and both the affairees supervisors.


They know WHAT exactly? And who told them? Why would your coworkers be told and not hers? Are they the same?

kids are young (6 and 3) isnt telling them with her better? for their psyche so they see mom and dad still care about both of them?

kids are young (6 and 3) isnt it better to tell them with mom for their psyche and confidence they are loved by both

What letter was sent to WHOM? I don't understand.


It is way too early for Plan B. You have to do Plan A first.

When did you find out about the affair? WHY are you jumping into Plan B so soon?

Oh no. Telling them with her there will just add to the confusion. The 3 year old will not understand so don't tell her. Tell the 6 year old YOURSELF that his mother is having an affair. Tell him why this is immoral.

my co-workers and my immed supervisors, know about affair and lying.....

hers probably do and kept it quiet....

my family knows all details and her mother (her only family) knows detils about affair and lies

since we are in L.E. telling supervisors is tricky...

tried plan A for 3 weeks, but after she told me she wants to separate in counseling and then discover the affair still ongoing (having luch with her lover 3 hours later!), had to get her out of the house

ok...not a "no contact with lover" letter, the plan b letter

Did you read the exposure letter in my signature link? I would read the letter and get it sent out.


Plan A should be for much longer than 3 weeks. By throwing her out, you make loserboy look attractive by comparison.

I would rethink this strategy if you want to save your marriage. You can strategically kill this affair without harming your marriage by bringing her back home and then beginning a campaign to kill her affair. If you can kill the affair while being the most attractive husband possible, you will win.

But by throwing her out, you give the advantage to scumbag.

Has she called and tried to come back? If she does, I would let her come back and put off Plan B for awhile.

Stop going to counseling. All they did was validate your wayward wife's marriage wrecking agenda. They did nothing for your marriage, did they?

If you're wondering how to explain to the 6 year old, just tell him (or her?) this:

"Mommies and daddies are only supposed to kiss each other, and mommy kissed another man."

Vets'll probably tell you how to change that based on your situation.

I hope you are busy changing that screen name to something memorable like Rocky or KILLER!!!

This is a more strategic approach:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


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Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.
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