Life is so nice at home. I recognize that caring love is not the same as romantic love. I have romantic feelings for her. But I sure can sense the romantic rejection from her. Just hanging in there. We talk to SH Monday together about EN and LB.

So how did it go?

She informed me: "I will talk to him one more time.. just because I said I would. But this is the last time."

She was very short with Steve. And he was very patient. So am I. She has a lot of defenses. Like:

"The last call didn't make me feel good."
"My therapist said, 'I don't have to talk to him if I don't want to.'"
"This is costing a lot more money."
"I like his work and his plan, but this plan may not be right for me."
"I am done. I said I was done. I am done."
"Stretch can keep on talking to SH. This is just something to help him feel good."
"Stretch has done good work, and made progress... this will help him some day with someone else."
"I don't want to do this anymore. It will be hard. I can't take any more hits."

Steve asked, "What is the purpose of us being here." She responded, "Because I promised I would. Because I am supposed to stay with the father of my children."

No, he explained, "We said we could research the idea that you could be ultimately happy with the father of your four children. We are searching for your happiness."

She actually refused to get back on the phone with Steve. After we talked as a group, he took me for one-on-one then asked to talk to Mrs. Stretch to finish the call. She said, "No thanks. I'll pass. I am done." Rather childish. In the moment I suppose she feels empowered, strong, like she set boudaries. But that will haunt her someday down the road. She will wonder -- why couldn't I even try.

When he talks to her, ever so patiently and slowly, he is always seeking something she agrees with. For example, "Oh you say Stretch has made a lot of progress this last year? Yes? Well, wow, that was while he faced resistance. Imagine if you worked together as a team! Imagine how happy he could make you feel." Also, he says, "I can promise you both paths will cost money. And both will be hard. And both will make you not feel good sometimes. You guys dug yourself a hole. My plan for your happiness Mrs Stretch and the divorce plan... they will both be hard, painful, expensive. Divorce won't be nearly as easy as this plan would be."

My thoughts... well, a difficult hour on the phone with Steve is nothing compared countless difficult hours in bed with your devastated and crying children after you break the news that mommy wants to quit on daddy.

Anyway, I am really pretty cool with all this. I feel more empowered and positive than I have in a looooong time. So I don't explode or get agitated. Steve explains, "Your willingness, your patience is a very precious commodity. This takes a lot of your energy. Don't waste it on emotions that bring our love busters anyway."

Our supposition... she will cook this over for a couple days. I'll see what comes up after a couple days of thinking.

His recommendation: just sit together and go through the EN survey. And do it right this time. A year ago we did it. Had no coach. I was not in a good place. She was "distracted." That's how Steve carefully put it. (He said, "So a year ago huh? Weren't you two really distracted at that time." -- He knows. I mean, obviously she was still emotionally involved in her fantasy and the deceit and lies. Even if guitar man wasn't talking to her.)

So anyway, we went through EN a year ago and we were both full of defenses and looking for fights etc. It was BS. Not done well. He gave very stern rules for just listening and taking notes.

I am going to ask her tomorrow and again in a couple days after that if she will sit down so we can share our EN surveys. And I'll continue to be as wonderful as I can be. Avoid LB's. Try to get her to take this baby step with me. And I will not play along with divorce plans like seeing realtors etc. I am not on the D plan. I cannot sign up for that now.

I asked Steve for motivation and a pep talk. He said he has been here before. Its harder with women when they leave the marriage. Typically much harder. He has overcome this level of resistance before.

Well, Stretch... All I can say is keep following the plan that Steve Harley sets forth for you. He is the professional, and said himself he has worked through these situations.

Hang in there!

Thanks HHH -

From my little sister:

"You have more energy, patience and strength than most. You�re carrying a load that most men would have selfishly tossed aside and walked away from a year ago (and I think several gave you that advice), instead you dug in and said I have the strength and I will find or create the support network I need to get through this. You didn�t build up a wall of excuses for throwing in the towel. You�re giving it your all and whether you�re together or not you will both come out with some hard truths and eventually the better for it (even if it takes several years). Wounds heal poorly if they are ignored and allowed to fester. I love you and I am proud of you for doing everything you can think of to try and make this work. You will be ok, you have proven as much."

Your sister is right on the money.

Hang in there brother, she will come round or she won't. Either way, your life is on the mend.

Exactly.

I couldn't imagine going through what you have, Stretch. But, I'm not here to tell you what I think or feel about your life. What "I would do" is irrelevant.

If I can lend extra support and encouragement as you work through this with your coach, I am glad to do that.

I am humbled by your patience and commitment, sir.

I am getting by really well. Feeling calm and zen. It seems to me she is somewhat unraveled. Not ready for what comes next.... for what she is about make happen.

It occured to me this morning that i would like to keep our home. To stay in this house. So i dont sign on with her plans to sell the house. I want to stay here for me and the kids (50pct of the time) and she can use the settlement and maintenance to rent a new place or whatever.

I am calm about the future. Much less emotional and pathetic. Makes me strong enough for either path. I can except no less than full recovery or full divorce. Both would be excellent.

Does she know that you won't be best buddies if you guys divorce?

I have explained that. Its not how she imagines the story. And she has always been one who wants to get her way. But i clearly told her. I think she imagines i will change my mind. And come around to give her the kind of divorce she wants. One where i still jump and she can still be bossy

She has a divorce fantasy right now

Still doing alright?

Thanks for checking in. Yes. I am feeling pretty good. I am happy that I have decided I want to stay in this house.

I have not asked her about taking the next step with the MB plan since our call with Steve a week ago. Remember, his advice was to simply request: "I would like to do the EN assignment together. Following the ground rules as he told us."

I will ask her. And let you know how it goes. I won't push. Just want to leave the door open to recovery.

Meanwhile, I am trying my best to be Mr excellent and avoid LBs. She has had moments of sweetness and love. Caring love? Selfish love? IDK right now. She has asked me for kisses. We enjoyed SF. She has said, "I love you too." "Honey" "Sweetie"

We are getting a lot of handyman repairs around the house. She wants to list it in Jan. But I have made no indication that I do. I've said, "I don't want to sell." I told her and the realtor. But she is on her own plan --- and confused I think. On the other hand, I haven't aggressively come out and said, "You know, I don't want to list the house. I plan to stay here. Withthe kids. With you or without you." Its not Dishonest at this point. Because I would tell her if she asked. But its not Open and Honest on my part.

I am just happy that I feel a sense of peace. And non-emotional right now. Smile on my face. I have the strength to present her options in life and not fall apart if she rejects them.

Total deep dark separation becomes difficult in January considering that I intend to keep the house. Perhaps she needs to rent a place in January where she can take the kids every other week. That way, I can maintain dark separation -- which I think I should do if she will not work on MB with Steve and I.

I'll run all the scenario's by coach Steve during my next call.

If you want to keep the house, you should (at least) look and see if you are going to be able to refinance in your name only. January will be here before you know it, so it's best to start getting prepared. Here's hoping, of course, that it won't be needed!

Assuming you have a mortgage

I can. Looked into it before. Turns out I can get better rates with my solo credit rating. We are single income family.

There are really good interest rates out there right now if your credit is good, stretch.

Hey there are good ones even if your credit is not good. I refinanced from 8% to 4% and my credit is right at FHA minimum.

So if you are single income exactly how is she going to pull this off?

It sounds like the plan was for them to sell the house and she gets half of the proceeds. If that's the case, she won't be going anywhere in January, because the house isn't going to sell between now and then.

The faster way is Stretch's idea: he refinances and buys her half out. Is that what you were thinking, Stretch? That won't happen right away, either. Also, has she considered that the current mortgage will have to be paid off? Between that and your closing costs, she will likely get far, far less than she may be imagining.

Magic fairies.

Seriously.

EDIT: I'm sure that Mrs. Stretch either believes that Mr. Stretch will foot the bill entirely or hasn't even thought of it. "It'll just, you know, work out and we'll all be happy!"

SIL has a 3 sumthing percent mortgage and nobody can top it

Yup good credit and steady job, the family is blessed to see DD and DGD so well taken care of

It can happen stretch