Background Info:
BH: 41; WW 35; Married 7 years, together 10
Children: Daughters 6,3....i have a son from previous
My 2nd marriage, her first
WW met AP at work...they work nights together 6p-6a
WW told me affair lasted 3 weeks, had sex 3 times, she ended it the day before I found out.
I found out about the affair after the wife "blew up" for no reason when I tried to hug and kiss her and then didn't talk with me for a week. I started being suspicous after I tried to kiss her and "saw it" in her eyes. Cell phone records and landline records. (I am a detective)
Have the bboks: Survivng the Affair, His Needs Her needs, Love Busters. Reading #1 still, Read #2, have not started #3.
Also reading Chapman's The 5 Languages of Love.

Her last email last night admitted continual "non-intimate" contact with the AP, but the spyware I had installed on her phone (now deleted) shows differently.

DD, did you expose the affair to your 6 year old? Did you expose the affair to the workplace?

I did not say "affair" or "other man" to 6 yr old.....seems cruel.....I did say mommy isn't happpy and doing things she shouldn't....she asked if I said I'm sorry....I said I did and I told.mommy I would do anything to have her stay.....
6 yr old said..."maybe somebody at mommys work is saying you are.not.a nice man." I asked.where she heard that...she said.she.didn't.know.
I held back tears....wanted to call wife and.yell and scream....but.did.not......should I.address this.with.wife.in a letter?

You still have at least one person's name and a location that have not been edited out of your posts. You should probably take care of that, and maybe re-read your posts to see if I missed any.

tl

That story would not make any sense to an ADULT so I don't understand how a child of 6 can understand it. She needs to be told the truth. Don't address it with your wife, address it with your DAUGHTER. Tell her the TRUTH. Tell her that her mother is committing adultery with a bad man and explain why adultery is immoral. Otherwise she will conclude that SHE is to blame or that you are to blame.

Don't add to her confusion and don't lie to her.

DD --

You also need to understand that you do the activities in Plan A or Plan B REGARDLESS OF HOW YOUR WIFE "FEELS" ABOUT THEM.

Plan A is for you. You prove that you can be the man she fell in love with. You prove that you can create the right environment for a happy marriage and family. You demonstrate your commitment to the changes, so your wife will see consistancy and permanence (and they are just not changes you are making temporarily to keep her or control her...)

Plan B is for you. To seperate yourself from the craziness of "wayworld". To restore healing. To protect and defend your family.

These are YOUR plans. You do them in the face of your wayward wife's anger, blame, silence, crying, guilt, unease, etc.
You need to be cool, calm, and collected. You do them in the right sequence, in the right way -- because that is your best shot at restoring your family. And you do not let your waywards words, emotions, or tantrums effect you and ruin YOUR PLAN.

Thank you Melody. I am.so lost and tired.of.crying.
I have no clue what to do about what daut. told me about man at mommies work sayin I'm not nice.
I sure don't feel like this plan b can work when I was only given such a short time for plan a. I am second guessing everything I ever did/said.
what do youbthink about the email.she sent me?

You are confusing them and are forcing them to come to conclusions on their own. Why would you do such a cruel thing to them??
"Mommy has a boyfriend. When mommies are married it is wrong for them to have boyfriends. Mommy knows that I love her and want her to be home with all of us, but until she stops having her boyfriend she can't come home."

Don't tell them she's unhappy. Doing so may teach them that it's acceptable for unhappy people to do 'bad' things. Tell them what it really is- mommy has a boyfriend, and that is wrong.

Come on, now, DD - you can do this! Stop crying and suit up. You need to go after this affair and squeeze the life out of it! Your WW needs you now more than ever!

DD, please calm yourself down and get your emotions under control. You are making strategic mistakes right now. We can help you very much if you can put your emotions aside and follow a plan. I didn't read her email because it is just fogbabble. It is about as meaningful as the rantings of a falling down drunk. I care more about YOUR PLAN.

So put the email from your wife aside and start focusing on doing a great PLAN A.

Can you go to your doctor and get some anti-depressants?

Well maybe I blew It.then by kicking her iut after.finding out shebwas.still seeing him.and.lying.about.it. Can't take.it.back. Now.I.think.I.scewed.things up even more.
I told her I.want to Change for.us....not just to change but.to be a better friend husband and dad.
now that I kicked.her out can't show her the seriousness I am taking changing.
guess I'm doomed

I used to live in the general area you mentioned. I know what the primary L.E. jobs are in that part of the state. If what I am suggesting is the case, then (as a former employee in a similar setting and another state, but as a nurse) having, let's call them "subordinates", finding out about an affair between 2 officers leaves the officers wide open to blackmail and strong pressure to bring in contraband, etc. Or else! And the grapevine WILL out them, one way or another.

tl

DD, you didn't totally blow things. You can still manage this, if you follow a PLAN. Why not use the Plan A from Marriage builders, since you're here?

In all seriousness, re-read the advice you have been given so far, and read ALL of the things you possibly can.

I do have one small question. Were you married when you met your current wife? Why did your other marriage end?

You did not say what mom is doing wrong. So you told the child nothing. No one here would suggest the you tell a 6 yo that mommy banging the OM. What would be better and child appropriate is that married people and in our families case wives/moms do not have boyfriends and go out on dates with them as boy friend and girl friend.

Update: Friday she asked to come back home. She said she wanted her family back and thanked me for waiting for her. That day we held hands, talked, and she said she wanted to take a leave of absence from work so she doesnt see him and she wanted to make this a "home". She told our 6 yera old daughter "we are back together." It was a great day!
But.....last night she pulled away again. this morning she gave me the "I love you, but I'm not in Love with you"
I am continuously using patience and trying to talk with her about the love busters and his needs, her needs, as well as 'the 5 languages of love' (Chapman)
She seems to pull away.....So now back on plan A.....how do I talk with her about the books without coming acroos like "selfish demands"??
Helllllppppp!!!!!!!!!!

She started withdrawal and didn't like how it felt. DD, what conditions did she agree to so that you allowed her to come home?

She can't take a leave from work - she needs to leave the job completely.

What are your requirements that she needs to agree to in order to return home?

I said "no contact" with him....she understands that. I see she got a text last night from him christmas shopping (by herself) but see no reply
I am hoping she will come to me and let me know about it. Trying to give her the opportunity.

This isn't nearly enough to help a wayward break their addiction, and will lead to a False Recovery, as you have seen.

Consider these requirements AT MINIMUM:
She needs to send a NC letter.
Is he married? Does his wife know? Have you exposed to his family?
Have you told your children the whole truth yet?
She has to leave that job.
She will need to change her phone number.
She needs to commit to 25 hours of UA time with you each week.

I would suggest that these things need to be agreed to before she is permitted to come home. Anything short of this will be disastrous. As you have seen.

And what the heck is she doing, shopping by herself?? She should not have idle time alone right now. Why didn't you go with her?