Hi,
I was just ready to leave my husband when a friend told me about this website.
I have read the Basic Concepts and now have LoveBusters and His Needs Her needs on order.
After reading some of the Q&A's, I am not sure if I should be doing a Plan A?
I was going to leave because of my husband's constant demands for sex.
Not sure how to proceed other than continue reading here until the books arrive.
Any help or advice would be appreciated.

Thanks

Welcome to Marriage Builders, RC.

Can you tell us a little more about your marriage? How long have you been married? Any kids? Do you both work?

I'm going to guess that by 'constant' you mean he would like to have sex more frequently than you do.

Have you discussed frequency with him? Can the two of you arrive at a schedule that is agreeable to both of you?

Do you desire your husband sexually?

MaritalBliss-thank you for your response and your welcome.

My husband and I are both 40 and have been married for 18 years.
We have 7 children aged 10 months to 15 years of age.
My husband takes care of the children and I work 50-60 hours a week.

My husband has a very high need for sex and I have no need for it at all. We have discussed it many times but have not been able to reach an acceptable agreement. Sex has been an issue with us from the start. My husband is an excellent Father and does a wonderful job caring for the children. Our relationship is good-we are good partners and parents, but struggle with the lack of sex/intimacy.

No, I do not desire my husband sexually.

I have only just discovered this website, so have not implemented any of the MarriageBuilders skills or techniques.

I am still trying to decide on the best thing to do next. So, just reading more on the website for now - and then the books when they arrive.

Thanks

Oh, sweetie, you're probably exhausted! Seven kids in 15 years?? There's been very little time for the two of you. I have a couple of friends who might be able to help - I'm going to flag them and get them over to your thread.

Hang on and don't make any decisions right now.

Hi, Raging,

Maritalbliss is probably right in identifying a lack of time together as your main problem. In addition, you and your husband shouldn't be making demands of each other at the other's expense.

According to Dr. Harley, wives need two things in order to feel enthusiastic about sex: an emotional connection, and the prospect of enjoyment. You can get all that by working this program together! And the most important ingredient is time: time spent alone (no children with you who are awake), giving each other your undivided attention (no distractions like television and electronic devices), meeting each other's intimate emotional needs (intimate conversation, recreational companionship, affection, and sexual fulfillment).

According to Dr. Harley, a good marriage needs to spend at least fifteen quality hours a week together doing these things. Marriages in trouble need to spend more time together in order to rebuild: twenty-five to thirty hours a week.

Dr. Harley calls this principle the "Policy of Undivided Attention." If the two of you follow it together for awhile, you will probably find your feelings about leaving changing, as well as your feelings about sex. I can personally testify that my wife's feelings about sex change completely based on whether or not she is feeling an emotional connection to me, an emotional connection that I can generate simply by following these "rules."

In days past, Dr. Harley was able to help husbands and wives adjust to each other and have a fulfilling relationship by telling them to have about four dates a week, spending three hours in affection and intimate conversation, followed by love making.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8120_sex.html

Here are some links I think might be essential reading for you, Raging:

How Dr. Harley learned to save marriages
How can a husband receive the sex he needs in marriage?
How to create your own plan to resolve marital conflicts and restore love to your marriage
Romantic love: is it a realistic goal for marriage therapy?

Hello RC, and welcome to Marriage Builders

The sexual intimacy is not an unusual problem, and Marriage Builders can help the two of you become compatible. One of the big contributing factors is that you're probably not in love with each other, which will almost always diminish a woman's desire for sex.

A couple of articles that you may find helpful:

What to do when you are not meeting your spouse's need for sex? Letter 2
Meeting the need for Sexual Fulfillment

If you've read the basic concepts, then you've heard about Undivided Attention (UA).

Dr. Harley recommends a minimum of 15 hours together (20-30 hours for hurting marriages) concentrating on meeting the four intimate Emotional Needs (EN): Conversation, Affection, Sexual Fulfillment, and Recreational Companionship. This will be essential for your marriage's recovery and health.

How much time alone together are you getting each week?
How is it spent?
What lovebusters does your husband commit?
What lovebusters are you guilty of?

What to do when you're not meeting your spouse's need for sex? [b]Letter 1[/b](Not the same article I linked to before)

Marcos & Prisca - Thank you so much for your encouraging responses, and also the links. I have been reading all over this site since I found it.

To amswer your questions Prisca:

We currently do not spend any time alone together. I am at work until 6.30 or 7.00pm each day, then when I get home I am caring for the children and doing housework until we all go to bed. The babies & toddler sleep with us to make it easier (more rest for me) for nursing.

His LoveBuster - Selfish Demands (for sex)
My LoveBusters - Disrespectful Judgements (responding to demand for sex) and Independent Behavior (Bossy, do my own thing type of person). Plus whatever it is when I am not meeting his main need.

I am still trying to decide what to do. This program sounds like a good plan, but I am afraid I will never be able to meet his need for sex.

However, I fell I must let him know that I am at the point of leaving the marriage.

I was thinking of an e-mail letting him know how I feel and provide links to Basic Concepts and this thread so he can read and decide for himself if he thinks it is worth a try.

I was thinking 6 months would be long enough to try-if there is no improvement by then, we call it a day.

Thoughts?

Thanks

How far apart are you on meeting that need for him? It is a matter of differing views on frequency? And how exactly is he making "selfish demands" when it comes to sex? What does he do? Because it is not a lovebuster to ask that your needs be met in marriage UNLESS it is done in a disrespectful way.

Can you be more specific?

RC, this is the core of your problem right here. Your marriage has been so neglected that you have fallen out of love. This is why you don't want to have sex with him. In order for a woman to desire sex, she needs 2 things: an emotional attachment and the prospect of enjoyment.

Did you read the excellent links from Markos and Prisca?

If you will make your marriage a priority, your feelings about sex will change.

Melody Lane, Thank you for your thoughtful responses.

I am still very much learning all this-it is a lot to take in. I defined my husband's constant request for sex as LoveBusters based on what I read and how I fell about those requests. I see from your comment that in fact he is not LoveBusting me. He is always respectful, but it just bugs me that he does it and I feel stressed and pressured as a result.

Yes, I have read the links that Marcos & Prisca provided and I see that I will need to make a lot of changes.

Frequency is the main issue and we are very far apart-he would like sex at least daily, I would like it not at all or once a month at the most. We have tried to negotiate this to no avail.

Anyway, I sent my husband an e-mail with the links so I will wait now and see if he is willing/interested in this program.

Thanks

RC, if you can both use this program to effect a change in your feelings of romantic love for each other, you will experience a major difference in how you view sex with him. Women who are in love with their husbands do desire sex. It is very hard to have a bad marriage and this is one of the reasons why. You are experiencing one of the top reasons. You feel pressure and annoyance when he simply politely asks you to meet a basic need in marriage. The solution is not to demand that he stop expecting that need to be met, but to fix your marriage so you DO feel like it. [maybe not every day, of course!]

We can help you with that, if you are willing to take the necessary steps.

Ok, so now my husband is furious with me as a result of the e-mail I sent him. (where I told him I was going to leave the marriage, but then was referred to this website).I think he did follow the links to this website though (I looked at his history). Anyway, waiting for him to be open to a discussion of this program.

The books should be coming Wednesday or Thursday.

Melody Lane-I have a question on your last response.
When you mentioned "taking the necessary steps" are you referring to MarriageBuilders in general or to something more specific?

Thanks

Quote

I was going to leave because of my husband's constant demands for sex.

Is it a constant demand for sex, or is it that he continues to ask because he ain't getting it? It would be one thing if you were having sex everyday and he continues to ask - that would be a demand. It's quite another when you simply don't want to have sex and so look at any request as undesirable behavior. Asking for more food when you've eaten and should be full is gluttony, asking for food everyday when you haven't eaten for days and are starving is trying to survive.

Quote

When you mentioned "taking the necessary steps" are you referring to MarriageBuilders in general or to something more specific?

Perhaps waiting for you to be open to a discussion of this program.

I am referring to MB in general.

Americajin-thanks for your response.
You are correct-my husband's constant requests for sex were just that-respectful requests. So they were not demands or LoveBusters. That was my mistake in my original description/definition of the problem.

I am very open to any discussion or thoughts on how to approach the program. I did want to wait for my husband to read up on it before we both made a commitment to do the program.

MelodyLane-thanks for clarifying.

Thanks

RC, another great resource is the MB radio show. On it, dr Harley and his wife explain the program and answer questions. That might help you both tremendously. Men really like Dr Harley, especially, because he is very logical and action oriented.

His legitimate need for sex is NOT a love buster. It may be a love buster how he asks, but the need is not.

What you have to do is to provide the feedback he needs in order to make a request that he has some reasonable assurance it will be granted.

In other words, what have you NEGOTIATED in order to ensure that you both are mutually enthusiastic about the sex question?

You don't say how he demands sex. So let's assume you are correct and he's making demands. What have you told him regarding how he can make a request that has a good chance of being treated as a legitimate and valid request and not viewed by you as a demand?

What is it about how he asks that causes you to judge it as a demand?

Would he agree that he's demanding? Or would he claim that he's "starving" in the sexual arena and he's simply begging for a morsel?

In other words, what makes your perspective any more valid than his?

This is why you use the POJA. You avoid making the judgments about one another. You negotiate to reach a solution that both you and your husband are enthusiastic about implementing.

So have you told him what would make you enthusiastic about coming closer to his desire for sex? What are you doing to meet his legitimate need here?

Have you told him he desires too much sex? If so, you are LB'ing him.

You are here, so the tough questions are presented to you.

Enlightened Ex- Sorry I thought I had clarified in my post above. I made an error in my original posts describing my husband's constant requests for sex as demands and LoveBusters. He is always respectful.
There is nothing I have done to negotiate or give feedback with him over this since I do not want sex at all.

I also said in my response to Prisca's questions about LoveBusters that I was LoveBusting him in my response to his requests. So I fully acknowledge that.
There is nothing that I could tell him that would make me enthusiastic about sex.
The other posters on this thread have advised me to do the program and stressed the importance of UA time.


I have only recently found this site so have not done anything to improve UA time or POJA any issues at this point. I am waiting to hear back from my husband after sending him the links to this site.

Thansk for your response and I hope I answered all your questions.

Thanks