My H has been in an adulterous affair with a married woman. I don't know who OW is or who OW's husband is. I can't help but wonder if the OW's husband is one of the men posting on this site. If you live in Michigan and wife works for a company that begins with "B", it could be. What are the chances? I could only hope, because at least it seems the men on this site are here because they want to do good. Although knowing my H was causing your pain wouldn't feel so great.

Hurt Bad,<P>Well there are two sides to the "knowing". In the beginning, I felt I HAD to know everything! My H kept his cards close to the vest, but little by little and with alot of snooping I got the whole story. H eventually told me most everything I wanted to know. <P>Well, now I know and so what! The knowledge doesn't change the outcome: my H lkeft the house and right now is in FL visiting the OW yet again.<P>Now, he has a new tactic - telling me more than I wan to know.<P>I don't know if finding out will really help you or not. I know in the beginning I was as driven to know as you might be right now. Just don't pin any unrealistic expectations on something changing if you ever find out who the OW is. <P>A suggestion: spend your time and energy on figuring out WHY the affair is happening and what role you may have played in it. This has been a REAL learning experience for me and I am determined that I will not have endured all this pain and not gained from it!<P>Wishing you the best...<P>Roll Me Away

HB - Try also lurking on some of the betrayers forums, like Philanderers Forum. There are a couple of others too. This actually is not by any means the best way to find out what's going on, though. Really, you need to look around your own home and keep tabs on your H, if you truly want to discover who the OW is. The best way, if you can afford it, is to hire a P.I. Most of us here can't (it IS expensive) so do our own detective work. Also, I do disagree with RMA that understanding why is the most important thing. I don't think we really can do that until we know the details of our spouse's affair, including who the OP is. This enables us to confront them with what we know about the affair. Until we can do this, they're only going to tell us that we're being paranoid for being suspicious and we're going to make zilch progress towards understanding why. Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

What in the HELL is the world coming to when there is a <B>Philanderers Forum???</B><P>HB, I agree that you need to know. I think that's important. Good luck in finding them!<P><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

new_beginning - I think it's called GOING to hell in a handbasket. Oh, they're a sweet bunch on PF. But if your spouse is cheating on you, you do pick up some interesting clues! R & B,<P>--Wex

I have mixed feeling about your H's OW's H finding out. I am glad in a way that I discovered the affair (in my case it was a one night mistake, but the hurt is still there) I have realized so much about what was going on in our relationship and so did my H. It's like a ton of bricks fell on his head, BUT on the other hand the hurt has been so great and even though you would like to make the OW suffer the consequences of her actions you have to remember this would be afflicting pain on another person who is innocent like us! On the other hand (wait am I out of hands) he has the right to know. It's just so hard and confusing. Your story reminds me of mine in that I thought I was married to a wonderful guy with such great morals and now everything I thought is down the drain. I too worry about our precious little girl who is innocent to all this. Some days I see so much hope and some days I see nothing but the negative side. How will I ever trust again, how can I believe what he says. I do know the OW and unfortunately I thought it was a friend I'd never have to worry about interfering in my marriage. I hate that I have so much hate in me because of her. So about you not knowing who she is, I can see where you'd want to know but knowing (at least in my case) sucks BIG TIME! <P>If you figure out a way to start trusting again, let me know okay?

Philanderer's Forum? Oh that sounds like great fun.<p>[This message has been edited by nonplused (edited November 01, 1999).]

Thanks Kris10:<P>I don't know if I will ever trust him again. I feel inside me that I can, and I can forgive him - but I have yet to see him want to be forgiven and until then, nothing. I don't know right now if my marriage will continue or not. I can't seem to gauge it. The hopefulness seems to become more distant, but not gone. I know he feels incredible guilt, but I don't know if it's enough for him to turn back to our marriage and save our family from the despair.<P>I almost don't want to know who she is because then it may give her the green light to be calling my home and be in my face. I only want to know out of curiousity - what kind of woman has the power to make my H forget every good memory of 19 years we've had. What does she look like? Is she a gorgeous young blond with long hair and a bod that won't quit. My H is very handsome and I always knew there were women throwing themselves at him, I just never thought he'd actually take one up on it. If I know him, she would have to be drop-dead gorgeous to even be attracted in the first place, which hurts me because I'm 38 and had 3 children go through my body (1 miscarriage). I think for women tho, the curiousity eats us alive because we over-analyze and imagine so much is going on.<P>I'm sure I'm better off not knowing for now. Maybe some day he'll tell me he told her goodbye and answer my questions. I can only pray for God's intervention at this point. My children deserve so much more than this, and so do I.<P>I have to go do something else now, or I'm going to be a mess. Thanks.

Hurt Bad,<BR>Anytime! We sound like we are in similar boats except my H does want forgiveness in the worst way~ I guess that is definitely a good thing. The best thing we can do is rely on God and pray about what is hurting us. I just lost my grandmother who I was close to this past year and I saw that in her (her faith) that it got her through everything. It was amazing the things that happened in her life. I just hope I can have as good of faith as she. It's hard sometimes. My prayers are with you. My email is kristen.hess@capbluecross.com if you ever need to talk.

I also found the Filanderers Forum by a search of infidelity. This just makes me sick that there are people out there looking for a quick one and don't care about the outcome or how it affects anyone. And they even tell you how to do it and not get caught. You got that right society is going to hell in a handbasket. This sucks worse than life itself.<P> Still wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic<P>