CV,

He has deleted all email addresses, except one which i have full access to. He has deleted her off all his gaming networks, which I can verify at any time. He has given me all passwords and I have access to his phone anytime i want it. He checks in with me frequently. Any other female friend that i have wanted him to cut contact with he has. I also have in place a keylogger on the home computer which he uses frequently ( which he does not know about). Moving or changing jobs is not an issue since she had nothing to do with those- now this all being said if he really wanted to he could find a way- ( i regularly inspect his car for prepaid cell phone- but it is unlikely since i control the money so any extra $ amount would bee noticed quickly by me) Also he know that he is on his last chance- if i find one more thing pertaining to her, it will be over-

All good things! What about
no opposite sex friendships?

No personal life discussions with women, etc...

CV

CV,

he has not cut out all opposite sex friendships yet, that's one im still working on- for some reason he dosent seem to see the connection between what happened with one could happen with another- he has cut out a few others that i have requested but not totally eliminated the other two, one is a friend since childhood ( which i know he isnt/wont be attracted to and one is a former work friend- but there contact is more sporadic) ( though he has cut down on his contact with them after i told his it was an issue for me)

SM, almost all the affairs that show up here on the board are from opposite sex friendships. And some have been been lifelong friends who never started the romance until they were well into their adulthood. Rarely do we see one night stands. Eliminating opposite sex friendships and committing to avoiding them is a very basic EP. I would reconsider your stance on that.

Have a look at this article by Dr Harley: Are "Friends" a Threat to Your Marriage?

Thanks Melody,

I will put more emphasis on stopping all the opposite sex friendships-

If OW knows this remaining email address, I would close it as well. Though you may have access to it, if he saw a message from her it would instantly set him back.

NW,

you are right really hadn't thought about it that way since he seems to be having the harder time with NC than her--


In an attempt to make myself feel better I am going to list what has gotten better in our relationship so far( cause the last couple day have sucked- in particular when i had a trigger in the middle of a bowling alley with H and my son yesterday when the music they were playing in the bowling alley was the OW former ringtone on my Hs phone, Beautiful by bruno mars- oh how makes me want to puke- I had to stop myself from telling him i wanted a D right there in the bowling alley even though it wasn't his fault they were playing it- this has been so hard kicking him out and D keep going though my mind more and more )

- He has really stepped up and started helping around the house and with the child ( this is a big EN for me which he was not really fulfilling prior to Dday)
-We are having a lot more conversation and actually talk about each others day instead of only trading vital information
-We have actually been hugging-( though mostly initiated by me) haven't in years and he has been slowly getting better at them
-We are actually spending time together, not just tolerating each other being in the same room

Well that really it for now on the improvement hopefully that list will continue to grow

You have hit on the one thing that will make the most lovebank deposits the FASTEST, the policy of undivided attention. Check this out: Policy of Undivided Attention

Go back to the above...did the email(s) used to send the NC letters get deleted?

I know it's, um, difficult sometimes with a 3-year old, but try to get the UA time up. Schedule it on a calender if you have to and make certain activities in the day a habit. Get a babysitter once a week, move your child's bedtime up a 1/2 hour...whatever you can think of. It's awkward at first, but becomes a habit after a while and actually talking to your spouse becomes less forced.

Yes the emails were deleted in front of me- we then deleted that email account entirely ( his idea- he actually had 3 email accounts- 2 i knew of ( though one was rarely used- he was using the one that was rarely used to send the last NC letter) and one was secret, which he had already deleted )- and i looked though his one remaining account at that time for any of her contact information ( which none was on there) and have been monitoring it then since

Yes it is difficult with both of us having full time jobs and having the 3 year old- We have been doing our best to schedule as much time together out as we can ( shooting for 1 night a week- everything is so $$$ once you add in the babysitter) and we have been trying to at lest spend some ( trying for 1-2 hrs a night) UA together every night after my son goes to bed. But i am trying my best cause i know it wont get better unless we do spend time together-

SM, I would make this a priority because this program doesn't work without AT LEAST 15 hours of UA time. UA time spent at home is usually not very effective becuase it is too easy to get disrupted. And it is at the time of day when you are your most tired and usually don't look very good. It is much better to schedule UA time around 5-6 after work and plan to dress up and GO OUT. Harley recommends 4 dates of 4 hours each and then you can make up the rest of the time in the evenings or weekends.

Melody,

I in no way mean to dismiss the importance of UA time, even before I found MB i intuitively knew that the only way for the H to fall in love again with me was spending time together ( though I didn't realize how much it would take). I am trying my best and starting to get more creative as this process goes along, believe me trying to get the UA time in is currently my top priority -

I have a question- how can you tell when the withdrawal period is over for WS?

It is usually very gradual and you will be able to tell the difference. Then one day, you will realize it is all over!

So last night I decided to bring up to my WH about stopping the 2 remaining same sex friendships he still had and he got pissed. He was not even willing discuss it and did not want to listen to about how uncomfortable they were making me. He just kept telling me he didnt want to talk about it and go to bed. I told him how i felt anyway and gave him my points of why I felt its is not ok. At one point he even threatened to leave. The only thing he would say is that " I keep doing this- that one minute im fine and the next minute trying to start a fight with him" ( i assured him that i wasn't trying to fight with him just bring up my feeling of what im uncomfortable with and thats what couples do)that i was "razzing" him and "I couldn't tell him who he could be friends with". I realize that this transition has been hard on him going from complete independence to now trying to become a joint couple again- This morning he pretty much acted like nothing happened- so he was just trying to blow it over.

So know what do i do?

I would keep approaching this until he discontinues his opposite sex friendships. Keep this on the front burner until it is resolved. Don't fight with him, but just let him know this makes you uncomfortable because it is how affairs start. Show him the article. If he starts getting upset again, then say, "ok, we will discuss it again tomorrow when you have calmed down more. This is real important to me and I am not letting it go."

So far he has tried to bully and manipulate you into silence. Don't allow him to succeed on that count. He threatened to LEAVE over his friendships? WOW! I would ask him seriously if he places his friendships over your marriage. Ask him if he is really going to leave.

This is what the OW in my sitch said to her H when he told her that he was uncomfortable with the 'friendship' she had with my husband. She told her H that she would divorce him if she couldn't be 'friends' with my husband. Well, of course we all know now that 'friends' wasn't what they were.

Mel is right. Don't let up on this.

Unfortunately since this journey has all began the "Im leaving" every time he gets pissed has become almost his standard response- We have talked about it before and I have told him its emotional blackmail and it will not be tolerated- its probably why he kept telling me to go to bed- cause he knew he was going to say it (and he backed down very quickly after he said it)- What actually made him say it was when i said to him that "I dont know if i can keep working on this (meaning the relationship) if you cant even take into consideration my feelings on something im feeling uncomfortable with"

I dont know maybe im just better off ending it- I dont want to be a single mom but how can i continue live with someone who wont even be open to discussion?

SM, don't give up, just keep bringing it up until you have his agreement. He thinks that threatening to leave will scare you into submission. I don't think he is serious about leaving and if he will only stay if you tolerate his disrespect and his risky behavior, then you are losing nothing.

These steps - ending opposite sex friendships - are to make you feel safe. He is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe.

If it continues, I'd call him on it. My bet is he'll probably fuss and bluster around in a huff packing bags and maybe even make it out of the house for a few hours before coming back. But maybe then he'll get the point that this type of behavior (threats) is not acceptable to you.

It's not "marriage at all costs" and, if that is something that you believe, then he needs to know it as well.

I'd tell him to knock it off and get serious here. He's a grown man with a child and you guys don't have time to be playing these little mind games any longer. Surely, he's ready for all the drama to end and for things to be great again? You might ask him that.

NW,

I had that exact discussion with him right after the last time he had contact with the OW- I told him I didnt want this roller coaster anymore and that he needed to man-up. I had actually told him that if he pulls the emotional blackmail again ( usually he does get to the point where her grabs a box and begins packing his stuff) that I would be done ( that also when I said that if i find anymore contact with the OW im also done)- this is why i do think he backed down very quickly after he said it. Unfortunately I think his emotions are still running high from being in withdrawal.

You all are right and i will not let this issue go- but i will have to find a way to broach it without getting his guard up automatically.