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Just wondering if any other WS's out there did their own exposure (as I did). I was just reading the thread in Marriage Builders 101 where a BS was lamenting that her BS filed for divorce in response to the exposure. Everyone quickly corrected her that divorce is never in reponse to exposure--if he filed for divorce, he was always going to whether exposed or not.

I was giving that some thought as the wayward spouse and not sure I agree. I exposed myself willingly to all, but had I not exposed myself and still held true to my NC agreement 100% from the beginning and my husband exposed me--I am not sure I would have gotten over that. We are working things out now after my self-exposure, but I am not sure I'd have been interested in working things out had he exposed me. Any one else have thoughts?


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Anger over exposure is a sign of the fog, though. When the fog rolls off, waywards usually do see the value of exposure. If a wayward gets divorced over exposure, what is really happening is that they are still fogged out. And because of that, the marriage was not going to make it anyway.

A recovered WS does not resent exposure. Rather they apologize for putting their victims in that spot in the first place.

In the case of a WS who has ended her affair and agreed to NC, the affair should be exposed to the close family and children together. This is done for a couple of reasons. So the BS can receive support from the family and so that the family can hold the WS accountable.

If a WS insisted on keeping his affair a secret, without a really good reason, I would be very dubious about his sincerity.

Originally Posted by Dr Harley
"Our policy for years has been to tell all family members on both sides of the family about an affair. Time after time, people who have followed our advice have reported that it helped clear the air, and it also helped restore trust. Right now, anything you can do to help your husband restore his trust in you would be extremely important. Tell your parents right away."

A great article on this subject is here: When Should An Affair Be Exposed?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Funny, Melody, I was just reading that article while you were responding to my post. See, I did the exposure myself and I am not resentful of it, but everyone here has made it clear that I am not "recovered" yet (I agree). I honestly do think that my husband had gone to great lengths to expose immediately, I would have probably stayed in the fog (maybe for the rest of my life) and divorced him. I know that Dr. Harley recommends exposure as a loving way to promote both parties best interest in ending the affair, but what if the affair can genuinely and honestly end without exposure? I know it's the exception to the rule, but some people are probably capable of it. In fact, when I did my own exposure, I wasn't doing it as a way of holding myself accountable is the designated BS's intent. I did it more as a punishment and vengeance for myself, honestly. It almost seems like a sort of vengeful thing for a BS to do, especially of the WS can and does end the affair without it. I am just thinking out loud and glad someone is around with whom I can chat.


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My wife was furious that I exposed the affair to our children and close family, and the OM wife. But her close family would call her repeatedly and tell her she was making unhealthy decisions.
If it were kept secret, I dont know what would have happened. The idea of exposure is to shine light on the darkness. My wife thought OM was the greatest man alive, her family viewed him a felon drug addict.
If I had exposed it earlier, while it was still an emotional affair, perhaps it may have ended before it became sexual.
But I thought MB Forum was too tough, and did not follow their recommendations at first.

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Originally Posted by allfalldown
I exposed myself willingly to all, but had I not exposed myself and still held true to my NC agreement 100% from the beginning and my husband exposed me--I am not sure I would have gotten over that.


Well, that wouldnt have washed with me and I would have said 'Go, then'. It would be like trying to recover as an alcoholic in secret. You have to get up there and say it publicly. Ask for help, repent to ALL the people you have hurt. Usually entire families and circles of friends are affected, not just the BS. So well done you for doing that. I respect and admire the honesty and bravery that must have taken.

I would however say that the BS is the person who SHOULD expose. The WS is usually either still addicted or a bit fogged and cannot do it properly. Plus the person who needs support most is the BS. It makes sense for them to be the ones to ask for it.

There will be people who will have seen 'body language' or something suspect between the APs, who are whispering rumours. There will also be people with no idea who dont understand why OW and WH cant be invited to the same party etc....

Exposure is a must, it lets everyone know you are both fighting for your marriage and why. The help of others is usually vital. It's a stage that cant be skipped, regardless of NC being kept religiously.

I will say I am concerned at your implication that exposure is akin to puishment? Not at all. It is FOR the marriage, not AGAINST the WS.. So who could possibly say they dont want to work it out after such a caring battle is fought for an endangered marriage? A marriage the BS could easily have just chosen to walk away from?

That is just the kind of husband I want. Don't you?


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Don't know your stand on the bible .. but here is a few biblical reasons for exposure.

Ephesians 5:11 says have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.



John 3:20 Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed.


1 Timothy 5:20 Those who sin are to be rebuked publicly, so that the others may take warning.

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I do think exposure is important, and I'm glad it's done in our marriage/affair situation. I guess I think it's good for the WS/BS to do it together if possible, but you're right it's good for the BS to be there because they need support. My BS was with me for most of my exposure, but not all. Anyhow, everyone supports him wholeheartedly now and no one really supports me, but that's ok. Even though I am trying to work on myself and our future I mostly am getting a lot of grief from everyone about how horrible I am, how could I do that, what a vile, wicked thing it was--all of which...I know...I know. It know it deeply and it's actually driven me to the verge of suicide and back several times already.

I do think exposure is probably necessary for most affairs to end, but I am not sure mine would have. The way I see it--everyone would have hated me if I continued on with my affair--and everyone still hates me although I vowed to stop it. What difference does it really make to me? I know that for my husband--exposure is good though, which was a good reason for us to do it.

Also, I do know that alcoholics can and have recovered "privately," much more than you think, actually. It doesn't work for most people, but for some it does.


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Well .. with exposure and your husband standing by you supporintg the recovery of your marriage (if thats what he wants) then you get to find out who your TRUE and NON TOXIC friends/family really are.

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Originally Posted by allfalldown
I honestly do think that my husband had gone to great lengths to expose immediately, I would have probably stayed in the fog (maybe for the rest of my life) and divorced him.

Just ask yourself WHY you would be angry about exposure of an affair? Would you be angry and threaten to divorce your husband if he "exposed" that you won a Nobel Prize? Why not? It is because you are embarrassed about YOUR behavior. And you should be embarrassed about bad behavior. But the solution to being embarrassed is not to manipulate and punish others into hiding your crimes, but to stop committing the crimes.

You only have yourself to blame for your embarrassment. So anger is misdirected when you blame others, because the person responsible for the embarrassment is the person in the mirror. If the WS had not been acting in an embarrassing, despicable way, there would be nothing to be embarrassed about. So blaming others for your embarrassment is clearly a sign of the fog because it indicates the WS has not taken responsibilty for her own bad behavior and is, instead blaming others.

Just think how much more motivated you would be to change your behavior if you ARE suffering embarrassment over your actions? I know it would motivate me!

Originally Posted by Dr Harley
There are many reasons for this recommendation, but the primary reason is based on my belief that the more people know about what I do in my most private moments, the safer I am to others. Infidelity is one of the most painful experiences one spouse can inflict on the other, and it�s far less likely to take place, or continue to take place, when everyone knows about it.

But its not all about you. And it is not solely about ending an affair. One of the main reasons for exposure is to get support for the BS and the children from family, friends, and clergy. They are the victims, so their best interest comes first. If the WS doesn't like it, then tough.

Originally Posted by Dr Harley
"Another, almost equally important reason for exposure is that it usually provides support for the betrayed spouse at a time that their whole world is falling apart. When family, friends, clergy, and even children know what�s happening to the betrayed spouse they can provide considerable emotional support when it�s needed most."

Originally Posted by Dr Harley about exposing to children
"The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight."

Again, anger over exposure is a sign of the fog. That is because wild horses could not stop a sincere wayward from reconciling. That attitude indicates a lack of sincerity. Exposure does not stop a sincere wayward from reconciling.

Other reasons for exposure are to wake the WS up from the fog. The more sunshine that is shone on the affair, the better the recovery. It is like chemotherapy to cancer. And of course, the more people who know, the more to hold you accountable. That is a good thing, not a bad thing! smile





"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by allfalldown
Also, I do know that alcoholics can and have recovered "privately," much more than you think, actually. It doesn't work for most people, but for some it does.

Alcoholics make sure their friends and family know so they can hold them accountable and help them stay sober. Secrecy about alcoholism can be a disaster. My whole family knows, my friends know, my boss knows.

Why would I care if they all know? I am safer if they all know and that is what counts.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I am just trying to offer a slightly dissenting opinion here as the wayward spouse. I do understand that the exposure is intended to be the best for everyone, but I don't think it's always the best thing for the wayward spouse (especially when they are apparently surrounded by only toxic people).

By possibly divorcing my husband, it would NOT be because I blamed him or the exposure for my bad behavior, it would be because I felt he was needlessly cruel to humiliate me further when I was already wishing myself dead. When a spouse is genuinely repentant, further humiliating them just seems like cruel revenge.

Again, I state, I agree that most people do not repent without exposure and all that. I am just saying, if my spouse exposed me when it wasn't necessary for me, I might not be able to get over him violating my trust and throwing me under the bus when I was already suffering so much. Yes, I deserve it, yes it will probably help him and everyone else cope, but no, it is not going to make me at all motivated to work on my marriage with the man who was willing to stand me in the town square bearing the Scarlet A the minute he suspected something was amiss.

I understand he is hurting more than I ever will. I understand that I deserve justice and more humiliation than he could ever bring me. I am just saying, his showing of mercy--his merciful, graceful, undeserved, reluctance to expose me was part of the reason I realized I adored him so much and wanted to work things out with him.

Just another opinion. And I still got exposed, but I am not bitter at him for doing it to me because I did it myself.

Last edited by allfalldown; 12/29/11 03:40 PM.

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Originally Posted by allfalldown
Even though I am trying to work on myself and our future I mostly am getting a lot of grief from everyone about how horrible I am, how could I do that, what a vile, wicked thing it was--all of which...I know...I know. It know it deeply and it's actually driven me to the verge of suicide and back several times already.


Relief comes from stopping the bad behavior and making amends. The only time in my life I ever felt suicidal was when I was being bad. My guilt drove me to be good, but being bad drove me into the depths of hell. I couldn't stand the pain. Would you not agree that an affair is a vile, wicked thing to do? I understand what it feels like to feel embarrassed, ashamed, humiliated to my core. But you should not fight this, you should embrace it. Guilt is your friend. It is telling you that you have violated your conscience. That is a good thing, because now you know you cannot get away with crossing that line again. It is your warning system.

So how do you dig yourself out? By making amends and behaving properly. You stop feeling sorry for yourself and CHANGE yourself into a person you can respect. A person who does not set off those red alarms coming from your conscience. You render aide to your victim and make this right.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Ok, here's where I have to parse and select my words VERY carefully, because I'd like to close out 2011 without having them (What? Again?) being zapped into non-existence for my heresy!

Exposure's greatest utility and strength is in "blowing up" ongoing affairs, resistent thusfar to the uneducated, ineffective beggings and pleadings of BSs. Correctly done, exposure leaves the WS finds nowhere to hide, no support, no solace, and no understanding. In an instant, not only does the target-WS stand naked and flawed before all acquaintances, but the AP, the "soul-mate" for whom the marriage was betrayed, is totally consumed with repairing things on his end, so is of no help whatsoever.

The case may be made that "post-affair" exposure might be considered a legitimate part of the JC package that is the BS's right. I would aver that this was, in effect, the intention of your self-exposure action. I laud you for this initiative, and certainly hope your BH understands the depth of commitment it demonstrates.

There ARE proponents of unilateral BS employment of "exposure as a tool to recovery", even after the affair is dead and buried. From personal experience, I would not be one of them. I never exposed my bride's transgressions to either of our families, nor to her co-workers, nor......Well you get the idea. Why did I not? Because I knew her, and I knew what that added level of humiliation would have done to her, already a basket-case of shame. ("Hey, you've got a broken leg? Here, let me break your crutch! Now, let's go for a walk together!") It would not be that her resentment of ME would have been the issue, it would have been unnecessary damage to her that would have been...tragic. I was not in need of seeing her suffer any more.

As for "Well, he would have filed anyway.....", sorry, that's not saleable to this buyer, either. Every action we take is fraught with consequences, some predictable, some surprising. Writing off a reaction immediately following a previous action as unrelated, or "inevitable, anyway" is simplistic and more tied to a search for absolution, than to hard cause-effect analysis.

(As an aside, for our convenience, the initiating query on this thread could have been included as a branch in your main thread.)

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You get to perpetrate a great fraud against your husband and then dictate the terms of ending it?

Id love to hear from your husband.


Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
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Originally Posted by allfalldown
By possibly divorcing my husband, it would NOT be because I blamed him or the exposure for my bad behavior, it would be because I felt he was needlessly cruel to humiliate me further when I was already wishing myself dead. When a spouse is genuinely repentant, further humiliating them just seems like cruel revenge.

It's a little ridiculous to talk about cruelty when you have just inflicted an extremely cruel act on your own spouse. It is not "cruel" to expose truth. It is "cruel" to have an affair.

And you should feel humiliated about having an affair. That is not your husbands fault. That is your fault for behaving badly.

If you were serious about making amends and reconciling with your husband, nothing would stop you. Not exposure, not nothing.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thank you NeverGuessed, I guess I am glad to see that I don't face 100% opposition here. It's just my opinion and I definitely still see the value of exposure in most cases. Your example of the breaking the leg and crutch then going walking resonates deeply with me and that's just where I feel I'd have been if my BS exposed.

Also, I intentionally didn't make this a branch of my other thread because I wanted to ask the question in a more general sense and not particular to my situation. Nothing about my particular situation with the email EA makes the self-exposure relevant. The self-exposure or non-exposure could be implemented in any case that the spouses (especially BS) thought it was the best thing.

If anyone is interested in my unique details, I will add that my BS was AGAINST exposure and only went through with it at my insistence. Yet now he is not sure he wants to save our marriage. Does anyone think he'd be more likely to take me back if he had gotten that golden chance to expose me against my will and add insult to injury? Maybe I did the wrong thing by exposing myself and should have left it for him.

Last edited by allfalldown; 12/29/11 03:52 PM.

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Originally Posted by NeverGuessed
As for "Well, he would have filed anyway.....", sorry, that's not saleable to this buyer, either. Every action we take is fraught with consequences, some predictable, some surprising. Writing off a reaction immediately following a previous action as unrelated, or "inevitable, anyway" is simplistic and more tied to a search for absolution, than to hard cause-effect analysis.

I disagree with this 100%. A wayward spouse who is truly committed to recovery will not allow exposure or anything else to get in their way. Anger over exposure is a direct result of the FOG, because it stems from embarrassment over their OWN actions. That is not the fault of the exposer, that is the fault of the CHEATER, because that embarrassment results from his behavior. So no, exposure does not "cause" divorce. It comes from resentment fueled by the fog.

In my situation, if my H would have objected to my exposure, I would not have taken him back. Any waywards who are "angry" or "bitter" about exposure need to carefully consider that your BS might not take YOU back with that kind of attitude.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by allfalldown
Yet now he is not sure he wants to save our marriage. Does anyone think he'd be more likely to take me back if he had gotten that golden chance to expose me against my will and add insult to injury? Maybe I did the wrong thing by exposing myself and should have left it for him.

What does that have to do with his uncertainty about saving the marriage? I am not following your reasoning. And how does exposing add "insult to injury?"

See, I think this is your problem. You view exposure as a bad thing, when it it not. Exposure is a good thing. People are safer when others know, to themselves and others. So it is not an "insult," it is only shining the light on truth.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Dear friends and family,

I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of Joe and I. As some of you know, Joe has recently asked me for a divorce, which has shattered my heart. To my shock, I have discovered that the reason is because he has been carrying on an affair with a woman who resides on XXX estate. The purpose of the separation is so that he can carry on his affair without my interference. Joe has tried to claim that his affair began AFTER I left for Australia, but this is not true. [as if that justified his adultery, we are still married]

As our friends, I am asking that you use your influence with Joe to persuade him to end his affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if he would only end the affair. Please support him in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage.

I would so appreciate your support and prayers.

Warmest regards,


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AFD
From the notable posts exposure examples


What part of this is cruel, insulting and vindictive?

nESRE

Last edited by nesre; 12/29/11 04:05 PM.

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Originally Posted by allfalldown
By possibly divorcing my husband, it would NOT be because I blamed him or the exposure for my bad behavior, it would be because I felt he was needlessly cruel to humiliate me further when I was already wishing myself dead. When a spouse is genuinely repentant, further humiliating them just seems like cruel revenge.

More or less "cruel" than this:

written to a WH:
Originally Posted by Dr Harley
Since you've had an affair, I would imagine that your wife is very emotionally defensive about the subject. It's the worst experience of her life -- worse than the loss of her son five years ago. Can you imagine anything being that bad? Well, you did it to her, and she is suffering as a result. It's all she can do to remain rational. If she were to express herself emotionally at this point, she would probably be expressing deep feelings of hopelessness and catastrophic loss. By trying to be rational, she is able to focus on the practical side of the issue.
here

Originally Posted by Dr Harley
"We regard infidelity as the worst offense in marriage. More damaging than physical abuse. And when a couple goes through a period of time when their relationship is broken, and they are not meeting each other's emotional needs, infidelity is very common. Granted, we can even patch these marriages together when the incentive to reconcile (children) is present. But it would be much easier and much less painful if you and your husband never had to go through it.
here

Originally Posted by Dr Harley
After having counseled thousands of couples with hundreds of marital conflicts, I am completely convinced that a spouse's unfaithfulness is the most painful experience that can be inflicted in marriage. Those I've counseled who have
had the tragic misfortune of having experienced rape, physical abuse, sexual abuse of their children, and infidelity have consistently reported to me that their spouse's unfaithfulness was their very worst experience
. To be convinced of the devastating impact of infidelity, you only need to go through it once.
How to Survive Infidelity

From "Defending Traditional Marriage" pg 143:


Quote
An affair is devastating to a betrayed spouse. It�s one of the most painful experiences that he or she could ever endure. In fact, most betrayed spouses cannot think of a single tragedy that is worse for them than the affair. Consider these examples (names have been changed to protect their identity)

* Nancy's father was murdered, her mother died of a very aggressive cancer in the same year. Both were very close to Nancy, and their sudden deaths were devastating to her. But she reported that the pain she suffered from her husband's affair was far more devastating.

* Cindy had been sexually molested by her father in her early teens. Yet her husband's one-year affair with a woman he met while away on business created far more trauma for her than her father's irresponsible behavior.

* Julie was raped by a stranger when she attended college. She told us that the rape paled in comparison to her struggle with her husband's two year affair with a female co worker.

* Robin was gang raped when she was twenty three. She reported that her husband�s one year affair with a woman he met at a local bar was much more difficult to overcome than the physical and emotional damage from the rape.

* Chad's six year old son died in a backyard accident. He said the pain he suffered from his wife's affair with a neighbor was far greater than the pain from his son's tragic death.

* Sylvia's younger sister was raped and murdered by a stranger when Sylvia was twenty one. But her husband's five month affair with a co-worker caused her to suffer more than the brutal death of her younger sister, whom she cared for deeply.

These are just a few of the testimonials that we have recorded when counseling victims of infidelity at the Marriage Builders Counseling Center. Scores of others have told me the same thing. A spouse's affair is the just about the worst experience in anyone's life.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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