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, but I don't think it's always the best thing for the wayward spouse (especially when they are apparently surrounded by only toxic people).
No no no.
Toxic people would tell you you were doing the right thing, keep on having affairs!
Toxic people would keep their 'nose out of others' affairs' and laugh while you made a fool of yourself.
From what you have said, people view your adultery as bad and want you to work on your marriage. They express disgust, which has had a powerful effect on your motivation to win approval.
I dont think of that as toxic, I think of it as tough. I am sure it is powerfully unpleasant, but so are sit ups when you want great abs. No pain no gain.
Guilt IS your friend and those who provoke your guilt are the TRUEST friends.
That is not to say you should put up with needless abuse when you have repented and agree to work on the marriage. But it sounds as though you are just talking about the general humiliation of people's normal reactions to exposure.
And you cannot expect people to admire, trust and respect you again before you put the work in.
But as you agreed to expose yourself, I am hoping you see this as a challenge, not a punishment.
Originally Posted by allfalldown
Maybe I did the wrong thing by exposing myself and should have left it for him.
Exposure is a fight for the marriage and he did not expose because he is too hurt to fight.
Encouraging people to hold you accountable and to support him will help. He will know no one is keeping secrets for you or whispering about your marriage. Surround yourself with true, honest, frank friends who will keep you in line and his spirits up. People who will tell him they would not stand for it and would rat you out. Dont hang out with any toxic 'whatever makes you happy' types.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
Sounds like you had your cake and you want to eat it too, if you will.
You sound a bit too in control of this situation when its your husband who was just bamboozled.
You are saying to your husband, in essence, 'honey, I know I screwed up beyond belief but dont be too mad, I fess'd up and told some people so if you leave me, its on you'.
Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
What appears vengeful to the guilty is actually protection and insurance for the injured.
BINGO!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
By possibly divorcing my husband, it would NOT be because I blamed him or the exposure for my bad behavior, it would be because I felt he was needlessly cruel to humiliate me further when I was already wishing myself dead. When a spouse is genuinely repentant, further humiliating them just seems like cruel revenge.
Again, I state, I agree that most people do not repent without exposure and all that. I am just saying, if my spouse exposed me when it wasn't necessary for me, I might not be able to get over him violating my trust and throwing me under the bus when I was already suffering so much. Yes, I deserve it, yes it will probably help him and everyone else cope, but no, it is not going to make me at all motivated to work on my marriage with the man who was willing to stand me in the town square bearing the Scarlet A the minute he suspected something was amiss.
Hi....looks like you're talking about my thread in the OP.
Well, it was never my intention to make WH feel humiliated or for me to be needlessly cruel...or as my WH put it, to get revenge. It was about doing the right thing and also taking a necessary step in an attempt to save my marriage. I had and still have the very strong desire that my WH turn around, see the error of his ways and become a better man for himself, with or without me.
Oh...btw, WH was NOT repentant. AT ALL. I (we are military) followed chain of command and he disobeyed direct orders TWICE regarding OW. Now, he has a reduction in rank and we are going through a D. Maybe he feels he cannot let this exposure go, but hey....he had his chances.
OW is a mess...she is a shoddy person and SHE NEEDED to be exposed. Trust me on this one.
BS-me 1 child
Matthew 5:44 (CEV) "But I tell you to love your enemies and pray for anyone who mistreats you"
Funny, Melody, I was just reading that article while you were responding to my post. See, I did the exposure myself and I am not resentful of it, but everyone here has made it clear that I am not "recovered" yet (I agree). I honestly do think that my husband had gone to great lengths to expose immediately, I would have probably stayed in the fog (maybe for the rest of my life) and divorced him. I know that Dr. Harley recommends exposure as a loving way to promote both parties best interest in ending the affair, but what if the affair can genuinely and honestly end without exposure? I know it's the exception to the rule, but some people are probably capable of it. In fact, when I did my own exposure, I wasn't doing it as a way of holding myself accountable is the designated BS's intent. I did it more as a punishment and vengeance for myself, honestly. It almost seems like a sort of vengeful thing for a BS to do, especially of the WS can and does end the affair without it. I am just thinking out loud and glad someone is around with whom I can chat.
My wife willingly confessed to the kids, and her parents. Right after Dday. She was never angry over it. In fact I think she was relieved.
I think there are two types, the ones who were wanting to actively stay in the A and the ones who were not happy in the A and this makes a difference with exposure. I agree with Mel's assessment though that even the resentful often see the benefit of it after the fog lifts.
CV
Celtic Voyager Married 22+ years 3 young adult children
...actually protection and insurance for the injured.
...and legitimately is to be bundled into the JC package, as I said, as in, "You broke our contract, and as JUST COMPENSATION for my agreeing NOT to invoke the bail-out option, I will insist on the "protection and insurance" of revealing to our segment of the world what you did."
Some BSs might demand this; some might not. Just as there are risks to the BS in NOT demanding it, there are other risks to the BS with a recalcitrant spouse in demanding it. Well, folks welcome to the spikey world of adulthood, where we have to take responsibility for the results of own actions:
NG did not expose, with a positive result.
ML (and PB?) did expose, with a positive result.
The unnamed BW did expose, with a negative result.
I'm sure there have been BSs who did not expose, with a negative result.
The varying results depend on uncountable variables, but I'll agree with the others here that it is the balance of
the commitment to repair/recovery on the part of the WS, versus
the self-image/internal stature of the WS
that would be the key measurement in how the post-exposure situation will be resolved.
When all is said and done, a WS finally coming back to the marriage, fully and unconditionally, is going to do so as a wreck, on his/her knees. A still-standing WS, just ending an affair, then getting exposed unilaterally by the BS, is obviously the most likely to react badly with an "I'm outta here!" If the BS then is satisfied by the "Well, he would have inevitably.....", then what status does NG have to say, "Yeah, but......"
I am just trying to offer a slightly dissenting opinion here as the wayward spouse. I do understand that the exposure is intended to be the best for everyone, but I don't think it's always the best thing for the wayward spouse (especially when they are apparently surrounded by only toxic people).
Interesting thought process you have.
BTW, The opinion you offer is NOT a dissenting opinion. I have NEVER met a wayward that thinks exposure is a good thing. Quite the contrary, ALL waywards, including myself, while I was wayward, HATE exposure....
Originally Posted by allfalldown
By possibly divorcing my husband, it would NOT be because I blamed him or the exposure for my bad behavior, it would be because I felt he was needlessly cruel to humiliate me further when I was already wishing myself dead. When a spouse is genuinely repentant, further humiliating them just seems like cruel revenge.
You are discussing two different people here.
A wayward spouse, by default, has NO remorse and is NOT capable of repentance either.
A FORMER wayward spouse would have no fear of facing exposure due to the humility that accompanies genuine remorse.
Huge difference in the two.
Originally Posted by allfalldown
Again, I state, I agree that most people do not repent without exposure and all that. I am just saying, if my spouse exposed me when it wasn't necessary for me, I might not be able to get over him violating my trust and throwing me under the bus when I was already suffering so much. Yes, I deserve it, yes it will probably help him and everyone else cope, but no, it is not going to make me at all motivated to work on my marriage with the man who was willing to stand me in the town square bearing the Scarlet A the minute he suspected something was amiss.
Again, your trying to discuss two different people as one.
Originally Posted by allfalldown
I understand he is hurting more than I ever will. I understand that I deserve justice and more humiliation than he could ever bring me. I am just saying, his showing of mercy--his merciful, graceful, undeserved, reluctance to expose me was part of the reason I realized I adored him so much and wanted to work things out with him.
Your husband made a choice not to expose, but I would suggest it was more out of embarrassment and maybe some fear, not out of mercy. His choice had nothing to do with you, it was about him and what he wanted.
See, my wife exposed my adultery and I adore her for being brave enough to FIGHT for our marriage while I was a whacked out wayward hell bent on destroying the same.
As a FORMER wayward I'm forever grateful to my wife for all she did to save our marriage....
Hang in there AFD, you'll see the whole picture with time. You did well going back and being honest with your family and friends about all your deception and lies....
Last edited by HerPapaBear; 12/29/1106:00 PM. Reason: added a line
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
I am just saying, if my spouse exposed me when it wasn't necessary for me, I might not be able to get over him violating my trust and throwing me under the bus when I was already suffering so much.
Wow. This is about the foggiest thing I've read in long time. Violating YOUR trust? What about your BH's trust? He didn't get a choice when you broke HIS trust now did he?
Exposure done properly (and not for vengeance or revenge) HELPS save marriages. We've seen it 100s of times. Dr. Harley has studied it for years. Self-exposure serves who? You? Your BH? IMO, self-exposure allows the WS (read: you) the opportunity to spin things to your advantage. You say everyone is supporting him and not you so much. Did you expect them to pat you on the back and tell you "Way to go girl!" No. If they are true friends who really care about you, they are going to feel betrayed too, but they'll be willing to hold you accountable.
It won't always be this way. You can earn favor and trust back with your actions, not just words.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage ********************* “In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
[The varying results depend on uncountable variables, but I'll agree with the others here that it is the balance of
the commitment to repair/recovery on the part of the WS, versus the self-image/internal stature of the WS that would be the key measurement in how the post-exposure situation will be resolved.
It has been my own observation here after 10 years that in the marriages where exposure to the family has taken place, there is a much better recovery. There are various reasons, among them are the support to the marriage from the family, especially to the BS. Another is the effect exposure has by shining the light on the affair; it has the effect of waking up the WS. In the marriages where there was no exposure, the WS's tend to be foggy and entitled. It takes much longer to recover.
But the key measurement is Dr Harley's experience. He has been doing this for 40 years and what is his policy? Keeping in mind that he has saved hundreds of marriages and we have saved *ONE*:
Originally Posted by Dr Harley
Another suggestion I make to a couple struggling to restore their marriage after one of them had an affair is to make the affair public. Everyone should know what happened -- children, relatives, friends, and especially the children and spouse of the lover -- so that the affair is exposed to the light of day. What often makes affairs appealing is that it is done in secret. Most affairs become very unappealing once everyone knows about it.
Originally Posted by Dr Harley
Our policy for years has been to tell all family members on both sides of the family about an affair. Time after time, people who have followed our advice have reported that it helped clear the air, and it also helped restore trust. Right now, anything you can do to help your husband restore his trust in you would be extremely important. Tell your parents right away.
We are here, after all, to learn about Dr Harley's opinions, not our own personal philosophies. I don't know about you, but I am here because I screwed up my marriage. I don't know how to save a marriage. And I don't think you got here because you were singing too loud in church.
Originally Posted by Neverguessed
When all is said and done, a WS finally coming back to the marriage, fully and unconditionally, is going to do so as a wreck, on his/her knees.
I am presuming you meant to say the "BS" here and just mistyped. IT is the "BS" who is the wreck, of course. They have been savaged, brought to their knees - without their permission - very much akin to a rape, physical assualt or the death of a child. If the WS suffers in the commission of that crime, it was self wrought and deserved suffering. There are consequences for cruelty to others, after all. Humilation and embarrassment is one of them.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
[ BTW, The opinion you offer is NOT a dissenting opinion. I have NEVER met a wayward that thinks exposure is a good thing. Quite the contrary, ALL waywards, including myself, while I was wayward, HATE exposure....
Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed.21 But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God. John 3:20-21.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Sounds like you had your cake and you want to eat it too, if you will.
You sound a bit too in control of this situation when its your husband who was just bamboozled.
You are saying to your husband, in essence, 'honey, I know I screwed up beyond belief but dont be too mad, I fess'd up and told some people so if you leave me, its on you'.
I read through the whole thread again and I guess I see where you all would get that, though it is not at all what I meant to say. I know that it's all on me. I accept responsibility, regardless of who exposed what and whether or not he wants to stay with me---that's all on me.
WW (31) married 7 yrs to BH (31) Dday 11.28.11, EA 3 months 3 children 5, 2 & 1
We are here, after all, to learn about Dr Harley's opinions, not our own personal philosophies. I don't know about you, but I am here because I screwed up my marriage. I don't know how to save a marriage. And I don't think you got here because you were singing too loud in church.
Right. Got it.
WW (31) married 7 yrs to BH (31) Dday 11.28.11, EA 3 months 3 children 5, 2 & 1
Waa waa, exposure is mean, cruel and awful! I feel SO BAD (now that I've been caught) and that would only hurt me more! And if he hurts me that's HIS VENGEANCE! See, he's awful!!!
Suck it up. YOU stabbed him and now you are complaining about the blood that got on your hands.
TOO DARN BAD!
This is YOUR fault! And it is YOUR responsibility to clean this mess up! /2x4
Listen to MelodyLane and the others. They want to help you!
Last edited by karmasrose; 12/29/1109:34 PM.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
