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Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 240
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Joined: Feb 2011
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My husband went berserk when I exposed his affair (I called it an EA in my letter but I did not know they had kissed by then) he basically had me add a follow up addendum regarding my own EA. It really sucked, took just as long as exposing his cause FB has to be done individually. I was not pleased and unwilling to do it but fair is fair...we were both in affairs.
Me: 34yrs
OM #1 ONS July 2010
OM #2 internet/text EA (9/10-2/11)
He: WH 38 yrs
OW#1 Former friend, 7 month EA & PA 1/11-7/11
OW#2 Ex-GF, 1 month phone/ FB EA & ONS 7/11
Recovering MB Online!
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
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It almost seems like a sort of vengeful thing for a BS to do, especially of the WS can and does end the affair without it. Well, it sure sounds like a great plan when the WS agrees to end the A, but more often than not, they take the A underground *OR* they really do try to end it but NC really doesn't ever get implemented. We see that scenario here on the boards again and again and again....
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
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I am just saying, if my spouse exposed me when it wasn't necessary for me, I might not be able to get over him violating my trust and throwing me under the bus when I was already suffering so much. Wow. This is about the foggiest thing I've read in long time. Violating YOUR trust? What about your BH's trust? He didn't get a choice when you broke HIS trust now did he? x2. This is pretty foggy. allfalldown, could you tell us how long you have had NC implemented for?
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
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We are here, after all, to learn about Dr Harley's opinions, not our own personal philosophies. I don't know about you, but I am here because I screwed up my marriage. I don't know how to save a marriage. And I don't think you got here because you were singing too loud in church.  Right. Got it. All we want to say afd, is that exposure is like a cleaning crew after the mess of an affair - it shines the light of the truth onto the problem so you have a marriage with no more secrets, lies and hidden corners. It's a dose of medicine that might not taste good, but needs to be adminstered - either self administered by the wayward or by the wounded party. You DO still sound a bit foggy, but that's what we are here for - to 2x4 the fog away. It sounds like you are struggling quite a lot with guilt - but as we have said, that guilt is your friend. There are many former waywards who can tell you that guilt was their way out of hell. Those stings of your conscience are growing pains. Good luck! Keep fighting!
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 520
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Posts: 520 |
While my husband was foggy, he was quite angry about exposure. He said I violated his trust, I was controlling him, blah blah blah.
When he got out of the fog- he told me he was proud of me for standing up and fighting for our marriage and family in a way he did not have the strength to at the time.
So, yeah, OP? You're too foggy at this point to have a profound insight.
Thanks for all the support along the way.
I wish you all well. I'm outta here.
Peace.
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Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,123 Likes: 1
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Just wondering if any other WS's out there did their own exposure (as I did). I was just reading the thread in Marriage Builders 101 where a BS was lamenting that her BS filed for divorce in response to the exposure. Everyone quickly corrected her that divorce is never in reponse to exposure--if he filed for divorce, he was always going to whether exposed or not.
I was giving that some thought as the wayward spouse and not sure I agree. I exposed myself willingly to all, but had I not exposed myself and still held true to my NC agreement 100% from the beginning and my husband exposed me--I am not sure I would have gotten over that. We are working things out now after my self-exposure, but I am not sure I'd have been interested in working things out had he exposed me. Any one else have thoughts? The WS should ONLY "self-expose" under observation of, and with direction from, their BS. Why? Because a foggy WS is going to act as a super-colon and unload a large load of crap. That's right, wayward fog causes an anatomical switch of rectum and mouth, causing all things coming out of a foggy waywards mouth to smell distinctly like feces... Because it is. "Our marriage was going bad, and..." "Blah blah blah, I'm not a bad person for shagging in an alley behind a dumpster, despite the fact I'm 40, married, and have 3 kids at home..." All wayward self exposure does is allow a selfish, evil, self-centered liar set the stage with crap.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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