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I know that you will never understand and it's easy for you to point a finger and spat "woe is me". How easy for you to judge when you have not spent time in my shoes. (Thank God) I really do want to work on me, us and M. Melody is an alcoholic. Now enjoying a long time sobriety. (26 years, is it?) She did things (before sobriety) that required she wear very nasty shoes indeed. No one knows better than a former nasty-shoe-wearer what is required to make a better life.
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I'm sorry that I portray myself as "snottiness" but I find it a defense mechanism. It is easier to attack when feeling attacked. I am sorry you choose to be snotty to people who are trying to help you. No one is "attacking" you. Obviously the job change isn't feebleness at this time and IMO lets move on to another issue. No, we will NOT "move onto another issue" until you address and resolve this problem. This is a major problem that has to change in order to affair proof your marriage. So, don't try and sweep it under the rug. The past A's are the past and we have moved on, dealing with the recent one. The stress I had made me greedy I guess. I want to learn from it and be a better person. Your "past" behavior is in the present which is why it keeps coming up. You haven't learned from your past mistakes as evidenced by the fact that you continue to make the same mistake over and over again. How easy for you to judge when you have not spent time in my shoes. (Thank God) I really do want to work on me, us and M. Yes, everyone here can judge that what you did was wrong. We don't need to "spend time in your shoes" to judge right from wrong. Apparently you don't want to "work on me, us, and M" because you ARE NOT taking any actions. sennswifeinpa, talk is cheap. If you want to change then you have to actually DO something. You have done NOTHING.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[Obviously the job change isn't feebleness at this time and IMO lets move on to another issue. Ok, this is where we start. First off, how many guys have you shagged at work? How many have you given blow jobs? It is clear you have a long history of chasing men where ever and whenever, so lets start with some honesty. A serial cheater in a job with mostly men is like a fox in a hen house. The first step is to change your job to one where you are around women. Start coming up with solutions that can get you into a new environment on a day shift.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[font:Impact]A) Change cell phone number and give password & account access to your spouse.
B) Change email account.
C) Eliminate all social networking accounts (i.e., Face book, Classmates, My Space, etc.)
D) Take a polygraph
E) Make a copy of my vehicle keys and any other keys my spouse does not have and give to them (i.e., safe deposit boxes, business keys, storage cabinets/lockers, etc.)
F) List out passwords for all business and personal computer logins, and any other passwords my spouse does not have access to.
G) Give my spouse access to any banking/financial accounts, business and personal.
H) Install software that tracks all internet use, giving my spouse administrative access.
I) Install a webcam/security cameras for while at work that my spouse can access.
J) I will contact an attorney that will work on my spouse�s behalf and write a post-nuptial agreement.
K) Sell the house/purchase a new one.
L) Sell any vehicle AP was in and replace them.[font:Impact]
-My husband can access my phone at any time, Changing the # has been discussed but hasn't been an issue yet.
-We share an email address, and I don't use any others, and if I had he knows the password.
-I had used FB haven't been on there we agreed that I would delete everyone but family. I haven't done so because I spend all of my time with husband, and not computer.
-making an appointment
-no need we share all of these items
-ditto
-I know he an use history and he may have other methods. not sure
-not possible, work in manufac shop
-not necessary, he and I both know I wouldn't take a thing from him.
-just did that
-no need Seriously? This is what you didn't have time to post? Clearly dishonesty is still an issue. This is such a poor excuse for a EP plan for a serial cheater that I am speechless.
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I am sorry that I dont have time to list them now but I will squeeze time out to list them before long. Please do not use "time" as an excuse anymore. That's complete crap. The astute observer will notice that if you add the 15 hours for quality family time to the 15 hours of undivided attention, you have just committed 30 hours a week. When you add 40 to 50 hours of work, how much time does that leave? If you need about 8.5 hours of sleep each night, you have about 28.5 hours left (168 total hours in a week minus 59.5 hours for sleeping minus 50 hours for work minus 15 hours for quality family time minus 15 hours for undivided attention equals 28.5 hours.) After seven affairs, you should be thanking your lucky stars that your BH is even giving you chance to clean up this mess.
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Two things to add to your Extraordinary Precaution plan:
1 - Practice radical honesty
2- Stop making excuses/blameshifting for my actions
These are two things that enabled you to live a life as a serial cheater. These things need to CHANGE.
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She was ready to pack up this AM, "because everybody here thinks were going to fail" I told her to go. I don't think I need to beg her to stay! I explained if you leave because of people here, you wanted to leave anyway, and they are giving you your reason. Just think, instead of playing the drama queen you could have spent that time working on an affair proof marriage. I feel sorry for your husband that he has to deal with your crap.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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That is the very definition of fogbabble.
I am going to fail because people think I am going to fail.
Sipa's wife - When you are willing to sacrifice your precious night shifts to make amends and commit to a full MB recovery plan suitable for a serial cheat WITHOUT SKIPPING ANY CHAPTERS We will sit up and take notice.
Until then I wouldnt trust you to mail a letter.
And where is that NC letter btw?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Senn'swife,
Did you get a chance to read my thread on Extraordinary Precautions and all the links?
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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In other words you have NO extraordinary precautions and are just here talking smack. You havent done the first thing. Nothing. Just a lot of empty talk. What about working in a manufacturing shop full of MEN on an opposite shift from your husband? When and where is that change taking place? And how about admitting that you are addicted to chasing men no matter where or how? ~ I was working in a shop as you described that Bh ask to work then he asked me to go where I am today. I have two female workers on my shift, one who I hang out with while @ work. I am not changing jobs cause financially it would be suicide. My actions are always accountable there. I make sure to not put myself in dangerous situations. So your list is a WASTE unless it includes changing your job and lifestyle so you can't chase men. That means you get a job where you are surrounded by hens and can't pursue your favorite pastime. Also, that was really cute that you answered that you got a new house. Did you screw the OM in your house? Did you sell THAT house?
~ No we will stay in this house and "over come the demons"
As a FWH
Been there-Done that-Got the T-shirt.
House was sold to leave the
"Demons" behind..........
No insulting others is not fundamental at all but there are times you cant bite your tongue and you feel like you cant get a word in edge wise cause they post to fast and IMO pick at some things that seem pointless. IMO
That is because your goal is chase c*ck and ours is to help you recover your marriage. So of course these things are pointless to someone who has no intention of changing and has no interest in saving her marriage. You have got away with talking bullcrap ["oh so sorry!! I will read Surviving an Affair!! Lets move on!" and fiddling around the edges for 15 years and this time your bullcrap is not working for you.
We are hoping at some point you actually get serious. Have seen no sign of that at all.
In my opinion, your H should divorce you because this is a lost cause. There is nothing here to save. Nothing...~It's great to hear that you think I am and our M is a lost cause. I don't understand why you think I am not serious. Have you been here in person, called or message to ask what is going on or seen something here, or are you just observing the posts? Do you think as a psychologist your responses are getting to a root of a problem or are you spatting your opinion based of other WS? As a BH sold our lake home with the million dollar view and all the lake toys to go with it. Made me sick thinking about living in the house I knew POSOM "polluted" with my XWW. nESRE
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She had sex with the POSOM in her family's new home.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I did a polygraph. I changed my cell # and the only people who have my # are my husband and son. I am using radical honesty.
I am printing my no contact letter now and going to mail it.
I am the WS
BH, love him dearly
~It's not easy taking my problems one at a time when they refuse to get in line. ~Ashleigh Brilliant
~When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. ~Franklin D. Roosevelt
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That's great, senn's wife. Now, how will you be arranging your life in a way where you won't be tempted to chase men anymore? For example, finding a job with all women, getting on the same shift as your husband so you can be off at the same time, etc. What is being done about that?
What about your flirting? What has been done about that?
What is being done to break your addiction to cheating?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I did a polygraph. I changed my cell # and the only people who have my # are my husband and son. I am using radical honesty.
I am printing my no contact letter now and going to mail it. Sounds great, just a quick reminder that it is your HUSBAND who mails the letter, not yourself.  God bless. Jim
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Great job, senn's wife -- keep it up!
(And Flint is right, your husband should read and mail the NC letter.)
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Husband adjusted the letter and I whole heartedly agreed and it was mailed off today.
He had a bad day yesterday. It is so hard to see him like that. I wish I could go back in time and talk some sense into myself before heading down that path.
I am the WS
BH, love him dearly
~It's not easy taking my problems one at a time when they refuse to get in line. ~Ashleigh Brilliant
~When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. ~Franklin D. Roosevelt
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I wish I could go back in time and talk some sense into myself before heading down that path. Can you identify what would you would like to have done differently? If you were able to sit across the table with yourself, what specifically would you have said?
Last edited by HerPapaBear; 01/12/12 10:03 AM.
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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I want to go back to when we were at friends house and OM started messing with me. I wish I would have got up and woke H up said time to go.
Before that I wish I could go back, smack myself and say what is it you think you are lacking. If you keep moving on this path you are going to make the biggest mistake of your life.
Did I mention that I recently found out that both of my parents are serial cheaters. How screwed up is that? How about if I'd known sooner maybe I could have learned from them to build boundaries. But I can't do the what if's... It's far to late for that.
When H is having his down days and says I don't know if we are going to make it. I get moments were I want to run into the arms of the OM. Of course I think it through more, then decide and know ~that would be STUPID! My brain thinks better then my heart. Half of my heart is so in love with H, the other half is a lump of crud that isn't sure from one day to the next want it wants. Mostly it's just numb...
Those moments for OM are growing farther away every day, but H will bring up something and ask repeated questions then it reminds me of what I felt and those feelings start to come back up. I hate talking about OM cause I don't want to think of him.
I want to work on us on our M. I didn't realize that I am a serial cheater. In fact I am still trying to come to terms with this. I guess in denile but the light bulb is flickering.
I am the WS
BH, love him dearly
~It's not easy taking my problems one at a time when they refuse to get in line. ~Ashleigh Brilliant
~When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. ~Franklin D. Roosevelt
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Those moments for OM are growing farther away every day, but H will bring up something and ask repeated questions then it reminds me of what I felt and those feelings start to come back up. I hate talking about OM cause I don't want to think of him. Instead of focusing on yourself, how about focusing on rendering aide to your victim? This is not about you and your feelings, but about repairing the wounds you inflicted on your husband and your children. What are you doing to help him heal? What are you doing to earn his forgiveness? Why should he even consider staying married to you?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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